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Sam Yao loved Christmas.
Ever since he was a little boy, he’d welcomed the most wonderful time of the year with open arms, ready for the decorations and the food and the gifts and the music the second it became socially acceptable to start celebrating (sometimes a little bit before…or a lot before).
Things were harder now. Of course they were. The apocalypse didn’t stop for the holidays, and, as Janine kept reminding him, neither could they. There was never any shortage of work to be done, but he always found ways to make everyone’s season just a bit merrier.
Abel’s annual Christmas Eve party was one of his biggest and best Christmas ideas. Sure, plenty of residents grumbled about the gift exchange being mandatory, and sure, some of them still hadn’t forgiven him for the eggnog incident a few years back, but ultimately, everyone always had a wonderful time and came away with far more Christmas cheer than they’d had at the start. And none filled up with more Christmas cheer than Sam himself.
Until this year. This year felt different entirely.
He leaned against the outside of the comms shack, shivering in his orange hoodie. Usually, he’d have swapped it out for one of the many ugly Christmas jumpers the runners had brought home for him over the years, but he just hadn’t been in the mood. He breathed in the frigid night air, hoping the shock of it would calm his racing mind.
“Sam?” a voice called. “Are you alright?”
Sam looked up. It was Five, who’d followed him out of the mess hall. He forced a small smile.
“Oh, hey Five. Yeah, I’m…I’m fine.”
Five raised an eyebrow. “So you’re just out here by yourself during the Christmas party for no apparent reason?”
Sam shrugged. “Just thought I’d get some air.”
Five squinted at him. They knew he wasn’t telling the truth. That was obvious. But Five was never one to pry.
They nodded. “Ok, sure. Alright if I get some air with you?”
“ ‘course.”
They leaned against the building next to him. Snow had softly begun to fall, twinkling in the lights shining over the gate.
“This is my last Christmas where I’m not a dad,” Sam said finally. “I uh…that’s sort of terrifying, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Five said. “I guess that would be sort of scary to think about.”
Sam laughed sadly. “I should be excited. And I am! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited to spend the holidays with my child, to show them movies, and teach them songs, but…”
“But what?” Five asked.
“I’m worried I won’t be any good at it,” he said quietly. “Like…this time next year, I won’t just be celebrating Christmas, I’ll be celebrating my kid’s first Christmas. That is a lot of pressure. It’s all a lot of pressure. But the holidays are a whole different thing. I’m going to be responsible for creating Christmas magic for a tiny human. And it’ll be the same every year after that. I mean, I loved the holidays as a kid. And I want my kid to feel the same way. I…I just can’t screw that up.”
Five thought for a second. “What were your favorite parts of Christmas growing up?” they asked.
Sam furrowed his brow. “Uh…I dunno, I sort of liked all of it. Christmas was just this magic time of year, it was all fun when I was a kid.”
Suddenly, an image flashed through his mind: him and his sister stringing tinsel around the tree, mugs of hot cocoa on the coffee table, a melting candy cane peeking out of each. Soft music in the background, twinkling lights in the windows –
“Although,” he said, “I did always like the day my family all went to pick out a Christmas tree together. Yeah, we’d find the perfect one, then my sister and I would decorate it when we got home. My dad always did the lights first, though, because he was so sure we’d electrocute ourselves if we did it. But once he was done we could do the tinsel and the ornaments, and I always got to put the star on top because I was the oldest. My mum had this Peanuts Christmas record too, and that was always what we played on Tree Day. She’d make us hot cocoa and start baking biscuits while we decorated. And then when we were done, we’d turn out all the lights except for the tree, and we’d all get comfy on the couch and watch a Christmas movie.”
He thought about that. “Actually, we’d do movies by tree light every Sunday in December. My sister and I would alternate who got to pick because otherwise we’d just argue about it. She always wanted to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the cartoon one, from the 60s, but I never did because…well to be honest I was sort of scared of the Grinch. I wanted to watch Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas. I mean, what better than Disney at Christmastime?”
Once he started recounting his Christmas memories, he felt like he couldn’t stop, like they’d been just under the surface and waiting for an opportunity to be shared.
“Oh! And gingerbread houses! We always built gingerbread houses! I mean, I say built, when actually I spent most of the time eating the sweets that were supposed to be decoration, but it was always really fun. My mum would make the gingerbread herself, and it was just delicious. I used to get in trouble for stealing pieces from my sister’s house to eat.”
He thought about his dad then. He’d always been a serious man, and the holidays were no exception. He knew what the season meant to his children, though. He may not have been much for cheer or wonder himself, but his family’s holiday was full of it.
“Christmas wasn’t my dad’s favorite time of year. I don’t think he disliked it or anything, I just don’t know that it meant that much to him. It’s different in China since it’s sort of seen as a Christian holiday and all, so my dad didn’t bring a lot of traditions over with him. Oh! But he always made sure we had an apple on Christmas Eve. It was called a peace apple, like if you ate one on Christmas Eve it would ensure you had a peaceful and happy new year. That’s what my family back in China would do, so he made sure we weren’t left out. And he always made sure we got to do all of the fun things we wanted to do, because even if it didn’t mean much to him, he knew it meant something to us.
“My mum always made us go to church on Christmas Eve, which wasn’t really fun for a kid, but afterward we’d take packs of Christmas treats to our neighbors, and that was fun, because sometimes they’d have treats for us too. Like this one old lady made fudge with candy cane bits, and it was so good. I’d try to keep a stash of it so I could enjoy it all year round, but it was always gone by New Year’s Day. When we were done delivering treats, we’d drive around the whole neighborhood to see the lights. And then when we got home we got to open our first present of the year, which was always new pajamas.
“We spent Christmas Day at my grandparents’ house, which meant hours in the car, but Christmas morning was just for us. My sister and I were forbidden from waking our parents before 8:00 in the morning, and we weren’t allowed within two meters of the tree without our parents, so we would creep downstairs as soon as it was light and try to count our presents from across the room.” He laughed. “One year, we were convinced we were going to catch Santa Claus, so after my parents went to bed we snuck back downstairs, but the presents were already there! Yeah, and the stockings were full, and someone had eaten the milk and cookies too. I mean, my parents must’ve done it before they went to bed, but we were so mad that we must’ve just missed Santa. And another year –”
He looked up to see Five staring at him, suddenly self-conscious. He felt his cheeks turn pink.
“Um…yeah. Anyway. That’s uh…those were my favorite parts of Christmas I guess.”
Five grinned. “See?”
“See what?”
“You know exactly how to create Christmas magic.”
Sam shook his head. “I don’t follow.”
“Sam, do you know what all of those memories had in common?”
“Uh…they took place at Christmas?”
Five laughed. “Well yeah, but besides that: they were all memories of your family spending time together. That’s where the magic came from. Sure, there were things you loved doing, but those things were better because of who you did them with. And that’s going to be true with your family too.”
“I –” He faltered. He’d never thought of it that way. “You really think so?”
“Sam,” Five said, “You’re thinking about this a whole year in advance. Anyone who’s planning their child’s first Christmas a year in advance is going to create something amazing. I heard you and Maxine and Paula tonight. You spent half an hour talking about the holiday traditions each of you wants to pass on to the baby. And I know you’ve got a list of Christmas movies to track down so you can share those too. For the record, I think I heard Nadia say something about having a copy of Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas.”
He laughed, tears abruptly pricking his eyes. Five was right. The magic was in spending Christmas with the people you loved. He was still afraid of a lot of things that came with becoming a father – and he was absolutely certain that he would be for a very long time – but he’d spend every Christmas with his family, just like he always had before. That, at least, he knew how to do.
“Thanks, Five,” he said. “That really helps.”
They smiled and hugged him tightly. “Anytime.”
“Happy Christmas, Five.”
“Happy Christmas, Sam.”