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Ever since Paul first discovered Tord’s shrinking ray, he’d been using it on the monster non-stop to get it to the size of a large dog and better play with it. It’s no secret he’d always wanted a dog, and Pat and Tord indulged him. Today is another one of those instances. Tom had shifted just a little while ago, growing into his massive full form before Paul shrank him down. Now the monster was inside Paul and Pat’s quarters, lounging lazily on the couch when Tord walked in on them.
“Yo, guys, I just had the best idea!” Paul exclaimed, carding his hands through the monster’s thick fur. “What if we took Tom the way he is now to town and did that challenge where people take their dogs to pet stores and buy everything they touch?”
Tord arched an eyebrow. “Why would we do that?”
“Why not?” Paul shrugged giddily.
“I think a break from the army might do us all some good right now.” Patrick added. “When was the last time any of us left the base? You most of all, sir.”
Tord stared back and forth between his Commander, General, and his monster lover. He frowned. “I’ll arrange a transport to town.”
“Hurray!”
They changed into their civilian clothes, excused themselves from their duties, put the monster in a makeshift leash of sorts, and left the base. Tord put Erica in charge while they’re gone, and he trusted her to oversee all the finer details while they were goofing off to indulge Paul’s insane desires. Tord drove the jeep, wearing his iconic red hoodie, sunglasses, jeans, and sneakers. His robotic arm was concealed by a thin veiled fabric that had the same texture as normal human skin would. To the none the wiser, he has both arms intact. Patrick sat in the passenger’s seat beside him, with a yellow hoodie, khaki pants, and tennis shoes while Paul was in the backseat with the monster; wearing a pink hoodie, jeans, and sneakers.
It was almost a five hour drive just to get to the nearest town.
“I can’t believe I am actually doing this right now.” Tord said, shaking his head exasperatedly as he stored away his sunglasses. They arrived at the pet store and were getting off the jeep in the parking lot. “My generals are going to ask me later what happened to all the army funding, and my answer is going to be: “it went to all the dog treats and toys our secret weapon touched” now won’t that be an amazing excuse!”
Paul grabbed the monster’s leash and led the creature down from the vehicle. “What if he touches a cat?”
“Oh I hope so.” Pat clasped his hands dreamily. He has always been more of a cat person.
“Absolutely not.” Tord shook his head. “There are limits, people. We’re not getting a cat.”
The monster sniffed the air, sunlight bathing its fur a bright purple. This was the first time since the border patrol massacre that the monster had left the base, and the first time in general that it was out and about in town mingling with other people.
They entered the store, a swath of new scents filling the monster’s snout as it opened its jaws to drink it all in. It wagged its tail in excitement.
“Go ahead. Anything you want, safe for cats, is yours so long as you touch it.” Paul encouraged with a soft voice.
They walked into the first aisle, which was exclusively for dog treats and food. The monster sniffed everything but never got quite close enough to touch any of them. Tord observed it with a calculating gaze, studying it’s behavior and idly wondering how Tom would feel about it when he turned back to normal and learned they took him to a pet store solely for a trend.
The monster heaved itself on its hind legs and eagerly stuck its face on one of the top shelves. Startled, Patrick pulled on the leash to bring it down before it could cause a mess.
“He touched this.” Paul grabbed a package of dog treats. “Springly chewers for dogs of all sizes that are particularly toothy. Sounds like our boy alright.”
“I’m gonna go grab us a cart. I can see we might be buying quite a lot here.” Patrick left them momentarily.
Panting, the monster bent forward and jerked another package of dog treats on the bottom shelf with its muzzle.
“Oh Christ, it’s begun.” Tord sighed. “Not a minute in and he’s already picking out different treats. What? Are you already tired of the spoons of peanut butter I give you, you greedy f#ck?”
“Chew-a-bulls.” Said Paul, inspecting the package the monster had touched. “Barbeque flavored sticks for maximum stimulation of the jaws. Aiight.”
Patrick arrived just in time with a shopping cart and they put away the two packages the monster had touched so far inside before continuing with their little social experiment. They treaded along down the rest of the aisle with no further incidents. The monster was panting, tongue lolling out the side of its jaws, but overall seems to be enjoying the leisure walk and change in scenery.
They passed a display with cats and the three of them tensed when the monster paused to regard each of them, tail wagging excitedly behind it. The cats stared down at it, some of them arching their backs and hissing aggressively, and others merely curled up and groomed themselves, treating the monster with indifference. The monster heaved on its hind legs and stared at all of them for the longest time.
Paul chuckled and tugged on the leash to beckon the monster in the opposite direction. “Okay buddy, sorry but no cats, remember?”
The monster whined pitifully, still staring at the cats longingly until they turned the corner into the next aisle.
This area was dedicated to toys and clothes.
“So far so good.” Tord commented. “He hasn’t been particularly nosy – I was afraid he was going to touch everything in sight the moment we arrived, but so far he’s been pretty manageable.”
The monster idly touched a dog shirt with its tail as it veered to inspect the opposite shelf. They all gasped.
“Does that count?” Paul asked.
“He touched it.” Pat said.
“But he doesn’t even know what he just did.” Paul argued.
Tord shrugged, smirking. “He still touched it. Boy, Tom is going to deeply regret this when we go home later.”
The dog shirt in question is a dark green with the words “I’m not bossy I am the boss.” written on it. Tord snickered. Perfect.
“Oh no.” Pat murmured.
The monster stuck it’s muzzle inside all of the toy boxes as they passed by, picking at least one from each.
Tord face palmed. “Just when I complimented him on his self-control, he goes ahead and finds a way to prove me wrong. Typical Thomas.”
Paul and Pat grabbed the toys the monster had picked out and put them into the cart. A stuffed hamburger with a squeaker, a pink stuffed elephant, a blue bunny ragdoll, and a hard fox chew toy.
“This fox kind looks like you, sir.” Paul grinned, holding up the toy up to his leader and friend.
Tord was not impressed. “Gee, thanks.”
Next, the monster nudged a set of chain collars with its muzzle; tail raised with interest.
“Oh god, Tom, save it for the bedroom – I don’t wanna know your kinks!” Tord joked as he grabbed the spiked choke collar chains. “Although for your current form I think it would suit you quite nicely! I like it.”
“Damn, Tom! Is that what you’re into these days?” Paul teased, bending down to squish and shake the monster’s head between his palms affectionately.
An old lady with a Chihuahua approached them. “Excuse me, young men.” She rasped, adjusting her glasses and squinting. “I couldn’t help but notice your elegant doggie. Very well mannered!”
“Thank you, ma’am!” Paul grinned.
“What breed is he?” She asked.
Paul faltered. “Uh, he is uh… British… Tomeranian?” He said. “Very rare breed.”
The monster stooped down to sniff at the lady’s Chihuahua as the tiny dog barked its little head off at him. The monster drooled and opened its jaws wide open. Panicking, Tord and Patrick both tugged the monster back by the neck before it could gobble up the poor little dog who had no idea what it was dealing with.
Or maybe it did, and recognized that the monster was not a dog unlike his owner, who gushed over the purple monstrosity.
They bid the old lady farewell and went their opposite ways. Patrick glared at the monster and dabbed the drool away from its jaws with a handkerchief. “That was close.”
“Too close.” Tord agreed. “Let’s get on with this quickly, before anything else goes wrong.”
They continued down the aisle where the monster picked out a massive bag of dog food, and Tord had to put his foot down. “Okay, new rule; dog treats are one thing but we’re not going to waste money on huge bags of food we don’t even know the monster will eat. Plus, Tom will kill us if he finds out.”
“Agreed.”
Before they even finished speaking, the monster grabbed a hold of a large dog toy in the shape of a sausage and squeezed it between its teeth; emitting a loud squeak as it did.
Paul laughed. “We literally have this ferocious eyeless monster in the pet store and he has the audacity to look this cute when playing? The world can’t handle it, buddy.”
He tried to tug the toy away from the monster, but it jerked its head to the side, not letting Paul come near. When the commander finally managed to grab a hold of the toy, the two of them were locked in a tug of war in the middle of the aisle. Low guttural growls were rumbling in the monster’s throat as it firmly tugged the toy back.
“Here, Tom, how about a nice treat?” Patrick offered, giving it a peanut butter cookie. He made sure to bring a small bag of them just in case the monster acted out.
The monster released the toy suddenly and Paul staggered back, nearly bumping into Tord. The monster turned to Patrick, gave him a paw, and happily accepted the given treat as it wagged its tail and slowly closed its eye into a sort of smile.
Stuffing the sausage plushie away into the cart, the monster accidentally nudged a blue frilly dress with its head. Tord and Paul both snickered. “Oh yeah, he’s definitely going to regret this later.” Chortled Tord, grabbing the dress and putting it in their cart.
“No judgment though!” Paul raised both palms up. “Tom can wear whatever he wants.”
As they continued down the aisle the monster selected a box of vegan dog snacks, a packet of hip and joint treats, a vanilla flavored bone, a bucket of organic dog treats, and a bag of anti-bad breath dog mints.
“Damn, Tom, gluttonous much? It’s almost as if we haven’t been feeding you enough as it is.” Tord commented, their cart stocked full of dog food.
“Funny how he hasn’t picked any of the cat treats.” Paul pointed out. “I guess he really is a big dog at heart.”
“And he’s also picking out clothes and I don’t know what this tells us about him.” Added Patrick as he grabbed a red shirt saying “drinking buddies” with a drawing of two jugs of beer that the monster had touched.
Tord smirked. “Oh how fitting for him.”
Much to their surprise, as they were walking by the cat aisle, the monster eagerly attempted to climb a cat tower, balancing precariously on top as the whole structure shook. Paul had to pick it up in his arms before it fell over.
“Tom, c’mon, be reasonable.” Tord said. “You already have plenty of ledges for you to jump and climb back at the base; don’t be difficult.”
The monster whined in Paul’s arms, being held in a bridal carry; paws flailing and tail dangling.
“Okay, I think we’re done. We’ve been everywhere in this pet store and we need to go back to the base soon.” Said Tord, nodding toward the exit. “Let’s go.”
They went to the register and paid for all the items. Outside the store, a small group of kids eagerly approached the monster to pet it for a short while. They waved the “doggie” good-bye, and Tord and the others got back in the jeep to drive another five hours to get back to the base.
It was noon by the time they arrived home, and they hurried to Paul and Pat’s quarters to check out everything the monster picked out.
“What should we start out with?” Patrick asked, putting all the bags upon bags of dog stuff they bought at the pet store today. They spent hundreds of the army’s money on these items.
“I suggest we go with the toys first, because the moment we start feeding him he won’t want to pay attention to anything else.” Said Tord, eyeing the monster lounging on the couch.
“Tom, c’mere!” Paul beckoned with a babying soft voice, clapping as he grabbed the stuffed squeaky hamburger plush.
The monster climbed off the couch, leaving an irremovable stain of purple fur everywhere, and it eagerly approached Paul to take the toy from him. With each new toy given, the monster gradually amassed a collection of them by the couch; his favorite being the big sausage plush. The trio watched it play with wide eyed amusement.
“Since when were you a hoarder?” Tord asked, hands on his hips. “I thought collecting useless things was Matt’s thing, not yours, Thomas.”
Giggling, Paul drew closer to the monster and it’s immense pile of toys and tried to grab the hamburger plush, only for the monster to snarl and snap at him. Paul jumped back with a screech. “Tom, c’mon, let me have your toy now!” He shouted, making a grab for the fox plushie this time only for the monster to growl and snap at him yet again; baring its fangs in a threatening posture. “You don’t do that to me – that’s rude! Who got you those toys? That’s right. Us! So you gotta share.”
Paul tried a different strategy of fooling the monster with lots of affection. He petted the monster, carding his hands through its thick purple fur while he motioned for Patrick behind him to get a toy while it was distracted.
The Polish man barely reached out to the pile when the monster whipped around and yapped at him, fur bristling while Paul screeched like a little girl. “Why are you so greedy all of the sudden, Tom? Can we take at least one toy please?” He begged, staring at the monster’s threatening posture with hands on his hips. “Look at you – you literally look like a crocodile right now. We got a violet mamba in our quarters over here.”
He attempted to take one of the toys one last time before being met with a vicious yapping monster rounding up on him.
Paul raised both hands in surrender. “Alright, I give up. You win, Tom.”
Tord’s attention shifted to the chain collar the monster had picked out, and he held the spiky collar in his hands. He neared the monster and clasped the chain around its neck.
“Awn, it looks good on him!” Paul squealed, hands to his mouth. “Makes him look even more menacing!”
Tord snorted. “Hardly. I can barely take him seriously when he’s the size of a baby deer.” He removed the chain from the monster’s neck, only to put it around his own neck. “What do you think of my new visual? This genuinely reminds me of my emo phase back in my teens…”
“You mean you’re not emo still?” Paul joked, earning an incredulous glare from his leader as he laughed.
Patrick coughed out a laugh. “Very imposing, if I may say so myself, sir.”
Barely containing his excitement over the next part, Tord clasped his hands together with a big grin on his face. “Now… to try on some clothes! ~”
“Are you ready to put on the outfits that you picked out, Tom?” Patrick asked, crouching down to the monster’s eye level with both hands to his knees.
“Okay so Tom picked out a large green baggy shirt claiming he is the boss of everything.” Paul said, grabbing the first article of clothing to put on the monster.
Patrick helped hold up the monster’s paws to fit through the sleeve holes while Paul put the shirt on him, all the while the monster remained stiff frozen.
“He’s entering a state of shock, already.” Tord laughs, grabbing his phone to take a picture. Tom won’t believe it otherwise!
“It fits him quite nicely, I think.” Patrick says, stepping back to admire the monster wearing the fashionable green shirt.
“Put on the frilly dress next!” Tord suggested, barely holding back his laughter at this point as he wheezed.
Paul and Pat helped the monster out of its shirt and into the dress, but the horns on its head threatened to rip the dress apart.
“It won’t fit!” Pat frowned.
“Wait! I know!” Paul reached into his pocket and pulled out the blue and orange shrinking ray gun. Pulling the trigger, he aimed it at the dress and increased it to a more appropriate size. “There, let’s try it now.”
Together they put the blue frilly dress on the monster.
“Oh my god!” Paul squealed, stepping back at the monster plopped down sulking on the ground wearing the sparkly blue dress. “It looks really cute like this. Just missing a bow on its head or something!”
Tord wheezed in the background, doubling over with laughter and wiping away stray tears from his eye.
Feeling pity for the poor monster, Patrick hastily took off the dress. “Alright, last article of clothing now, I promise.” He put on the red shirt on the monster, admiring the way it looked in red. “Not bad.”
“Yeah, he looks very handsome!” Paul agreed.
“The dress is still the best.” Tord finally recovered from his fit of laughter.
Paul ripped open one of the several packets of treats they bought, the first one being the barbeque flavored sticks. He held it up to the monster to take, but the monster, still wearing the red shirt, gingerly opened its jaws and reached out for the treat unenthusiastically.
“What’s wrong, bud? You picked it out!” Paul exclaimed, tipping his head down at the purple creature sitting stiffly.
“I don’t think he’s going to be doing much of anything while he is wearing that shirt.” Patrick pointed out. “Okay, bud, your protest has been heard – we’re taking it off now.”
He maneuvered the monster around so he could take off his shirt. The instant the article of clothing was off of it, the monster lunged forward and snagged the treat off of Paul’s hand; running off with it.
“What? The shirt is what was keeping him sane all along?” Tord questioned, voice dripping with mirth as he watched the monster eagerly chomp away at the treat over by the couch and it’s hoard of toys.
“I guess he just doesn’t like clothes.” Paul shrugged.
“He actually really wanted that treat. Good for him.” Patrick crossed his arms and watched the monster devour the stick worriedly. “Although I can’t help but think we should probably take it away from him before he chokes on it.”
Paul slowly turned to face him, wide eyed. “Did you even see the way he was acting with his toys? I don’t even want to find out how he will react if we try that out with his food!”
“Easy peasy.” Tord went to the kitchen to grab a jar of peanut butter and kneeled down before the monster, offering a spoon out. “Look, Thomas! It’s your favorite treat!”
The monster released the barbeque stick from its jaws, still holding on to it in its massive paws, and lapped eagerly at the peanut butter with its forked tongue. Tord nodded with his head, and Patrick went ahead and grabbed the stick before the monster could realize what was going on. By the time the creature finished its pastry treat, it whined and followed after Pat for the stick.
“Oh honey, no… this is a lot of… whatever this is, so why don’t we check out some of the other treats you picked out?” Pat gazed down at the monster sympathetically as it lifted on its hind legs to lean on him, looking at him imploringly.
“Yeah, Tom, before you decide to get sick of this junk and throw up somewhere for us to clean up?” Tord added.
Paul rummaged through the shopping bags. “He picked out four bags of vegan treats.” He said. “Including the breath buster bites, funnily enough.”
Tord snickered. “He knows he needs ‘em.”
“Look who’s talking.” Patrick admonished. “I think it’s really great of Tom to have picked out some healthy varieties for treats.”
“Uh, no. Tom didn’t pick out anything. The monster did, as far as we are concerned.” Corrected Tord. “Or do you honestly think Tom would ever go along with this crazy idea and shop for dog treats, toys, and a freaking dress?”
Ignoring the ensuing argument, Paul ripped open a packet of dental chews and promptly handed one to the monster. The creature took a bite out of the bone shaped treat and chewed eagerly.
“Is it any good, bud?” Paul asked, nibbling on the other half of the treat in his hand.
“Paul!” Patrick yelled.
The Commander jumped and whipped around. “What? If he likes it, then surely it can’t be all that bad?”
“Besides, we all know this ain’t Paul’s first time eating dog food.” Tord commented dryly.
“That was a case of necessity and nothing more!”
Patrick opened the next bag of treats containing long and curly bully springs that was almost the length of Pat’s arm. He tried to break it in half, so as to avoid the likely outcome of the monster gobbling the whole thing up and choking but the monster snatched the treat out of his hands and started chewing on it, drooling all over the floor.
“Oh my god, Tom, no!” He stressed. “That’s too big for you – you’re gonna choke!”
Tord walked up to the monster and ripped out the treat from right out of its jaws with his robotic hand. The monster turned on him, snapping at his metal arm and sinking its teeth harmlessly through the metal.
“Next treat, please.” He ordered.
“Oh! Hip and joint beef!” Paul said, immediately giving some over to the monster who wasted no time in taking a big bite out of it. “Please resist the temptation to choke, Tom.”
The monster didn’t seem to hear him as it bent its head back and swallowed the barely chewed piece of beef at once, making gnarly growling sounds with its throat.
“Maybe it’s a kink of his. Choking.” Tord joked off handedly. “Who knows?”
“God, what’s even that noise he’s making?” Paul cringed back as the obnoxious sounds of chewing, growling, swallowing, and licking echoed in the room until the monster finished its treat.
“Let’s try out one of the vegan treats now.” Patrick opened the box, pulling out a tiny dark green treat in his hand. “C’mere, Tom.”
Wagging its tail, the monster padded up to Pat, furiously swiping its tongue over its snout repeatedly and bending its head down.
“Whoa, what’s going on with him?” Paul asked. “Is he buffering?”
“No, I think he’s got something in his teeth.” Tord guessed. “You know when you get something in your teeth and you keep picking at the spot with your tongue to get it out? I think that’s what this is.”
“Oh boy, I hate when that happens. Especially with those little crumbs of popcorn that scratch your tongue. Bleh!” Paul whined.
“Tom, sit!” Patrick ordered the monster. Rather than obeying it, the monster heaved itself on its hind legs and wrapped its paws around Pat’s middle. “Whoa! That’s not a sit at all.”
“I’ll take care of this.” Tord pushed down the monster, straightening up and with a booming voice he commanded. “SIT DOWN, THOMAS!”
At once, the monster sat down on its haunches and wagged its tail; staring up at him expectantly as Tord kneeled down to give it its treat.
“That was a lot of fun!” Paul said.
“Was it worth it?” Tord asked.
“Definitely!”
Tord snorted. “Now I just imagine how we’re going to explain all this to Tom.” He said. “He’s going to wake up in a few hours butt naked in a pile of dog toys, wondering why his mouth tastes like barbecue beef, and we’ll tell him in great detail how we took him to town on a walk and treated him like a dog the whole day.”
Paul grinned. “I guess for you the image of Tom naked is hard to resist thinking about eh, f#cker?”
Tord frowned and glared at him. “Is that the only thing you took from my statement?”