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"Two cups of coffee for the Newsie with the beautiful smile." The girl accross the counter calls out, grinning at me. I smile back.
"How much do I owe ya?"
She waves a hand. "This one's on the house, sweetheart. My small thank-you, ya know customers are always happier when they see you outside hawking headlines, always smilin'. You brighten peoples' day." I blush.
"Thanks a ton," I say. "I owe you one, Darla."
She nods, handing me the warm paper cups. "I hope your friend feels better. Merry Christmas."
"You too."
I stroll out of the little pharmacy and take the route I've walked a million times to my best friend's house. Buttons has seemed pretty down lately. I've noticed this happens every once in a while, especially when rainy season hits. I get that he likes his space when he's like this, and maybe it's not a good idea, but I feel like I gotta let him know this time that somebody's there, that he doesn't have to go through this alone.
I knock on the front door to his apartment before I know what I'm doing. It swings open, and I pause. I look down to see Annalise holding it open, looking at me with worry.
"Elmer," She pouts, "Benji won't stop crying."
"What?!"
"He keeps acting like it's nothin'. He's real upset. I don't know what to do."
"Can I come in?" I offer. I wish I'd thought to bring something for the kids.
She nods, turning and running off after Alexander, who's taken it upon himself to run around the kitchen waving a candy bar in the air... which he probably stole. I step in and quietly close the door behind me. I pause when I reach Button's door. My heart sinks when I hear sniffles coming from the other side. I knock lightly on the door.
"Hey, Buttons, it's Elmer." I whisper. "I brought ya somethin'."
"Hey, Ellie!" He calls out, his voice cracking. "I'm real busy with cleanin' up right now. Can you-"
I push open the door without thinking. Buttons is sitting on his bed with red eyes, face shiny with tears. "Aw, Buttons..."
He opens his mouth to say something, nothing but a sob comes out though.
I rush over to him, setting the coffee cups down on the small table next to his bed and wrapping my arms around him. "Benjamin." I whisper into his ear. "Aw, poor guy." He puts a hand on my chest and breaks down, shaking as he sobs. I sit quietly, rubbing his back and whispering into his ear to try and calm him down. "I got ya. I'm right here. Just breathe."
"S nothin'." He stutters out through sobs. "Jus' havin' a bad day is all."
I gently take his chin and turn him to look at my eyes. "S not nothin' to me... I noticed you get like this sometimes."
"Just in a bad mood, El." He whispers. "Please don't tell all the other fellas."
"Hey, ya know I wouldn't do that. I won't tell nobody. Ben, just talk to me. Maybe it'll make ya feel better."
He peeks out at the steaming cups behind me. "What's that?"
I look back at the table. "I went to that pharmacy on 34th street, the one you're always talkin' about. Thought maybe if I brought you somethin' from there, it'd help me cheer you up."
His face turns pink. "Gosh."
"Come on, Buttons. I can help you finish your chores later. What do ya say we go up on that fire escape next building over and talk?"
We sit shoulder to shoulder on a small scaffolding looking out over the west side of the city. The sun is setting, casting a pretty orange glow over the skyscrapers and the snow below.
"S nice up here." I muse.
Buttons smiles. "This was a good idea, El."
Silence settles over us for a few minutes. I watch the people going about their business on the streets below. A mother ushers her kids through the streets, trying to pull them along while they keep stopping to play in the snow. Two men casually walk out of a building, a group of boys is having a snowball fight.
"Ya know you can tell me anything." I offer.
He sits quietly for a minute.
"Or ya don't have to. I'm right here with you no matter what."
"For sure?"
I wince. "For sure." I look at him. "Do ya believe me?"
He returns my gaze. "I want to. More than anything."
I raise an eyebrow, beckoning him to speak again.
"Okay..." He begins dryly, "See, none of my brothers and sisters are old enough to remember him. But I am." He looks back at the city below. "I's 8 years old. He and me mother have a big fight. He's smashin' things, screamin' at her. I'm in my room..." He pauses, his face takes on a vacant look.
I wrap my arm around his shoulder.
"He's stormin' off, yellin' all kinds of obscenities at her, tellin' her he never loved her. She starts beggin', pleadin' with him to stay. 'I know ya don't love me, but at least stay for the kids.' She says. 'Please don't make Benji grow up without a pops.'" Button's eyes well up again. "'That useless boy.' He screams back at her. 'Never gonna grow up to be anybody. Why would I wanna stay here an' watch that little shit, any of our little shits, grow up to jus' be nothin'?'" He closes his eyes and leans back.
"Buttons-"
"And the hardest part in all of this," He continues, "is knowin' he was right." I shake my head, but he keeps talking. "I spent every day from then on tryna prove him wrong. I keep hopin' maybe he'll come back and see how I've changed, that I'm grown up and better than the useless child he remembers... But truth is, Elm, nothin's different. We're still poor, I'm jus' a Newsie, and I'll be lucky if I grow up to be a trolley worker." He's bawling his eyes out by the end of his tirade. I rub his back again as his body shakes with sobs.
"No." I whisper. He looks into my eyes. "You're not nothin'. Not to your mum, not to your brothers and sisters who'd be dead a long time ago without ya... Not to me." I try to focus on Button's face as my vision blurs with my own tears. "And say you grow up to be a trolley worker. I know you're gonna grow up to be the best damn trolley worker, the one who works the hardest, who never lets anyone down and always takes care of everybody because that's who you are."
Buttons raises a hand to my cheek and wipes the tears away. Even in his worst moments, still tryna take care of everybody around him. "Why do you do this, Elmer?"
I blink. "Do what?"
"Care about me."
I laugh. "You care about everybody, Buttons. Why do you do it?" He looks down. I pull him closer to me and rest my head on top of his. "I'm sorry about your old man. You deserve better than that, Buttons."
"No I don't." He mutters.
"Hey," I insist, "I'm older than you. If I say you deserve better, you deserve better."
He chuckles quietly. "Who am I to argue with elder Kasprzak?" I nod. "Elmer?" I hum questioningly in response. "Thanks for coming here. I can't think of anybody I'd rather spend this stupid holiday with."
"Me too."