Work Text:
Theory is useless. Xiao stares at his boyfriend who winces as he rubs his butt. The skateboard which just sent him flying is stuck in the nearby bush, wheels still racing tauntingly fast. How is it possible that Zhongli can calculate the physics of an ollie or the perfect measurement of a skateboard dependent on the weight and aerodynamic of one’s body but cannot, to save his life, stand on the very same wheeled board?
He walks over to Zhongli, throwing a water bottle into his lap. “You…” Improved? No, he didn’t improve at all over the past three weeks since Xiao started to teach him the basics—the basics of the basics; the quintessential skill of standing still on the damn board. “…tried.”
“Thanks.” Zhongli casts him an apologetic smile. He clearly knows that he’s testing Xiao’s patience when Xiao has none to speak of—except he does when it comes to this specific man sitting on the ground, darting away his eyes as he broods over all the potential reasons why he cannot, for the love of all archons, skate.
The joke of it all is the very true fact that this man owns a skateboard shop. He literally advices a bunch of customers every single day on the perfect skateboard for them and can rattle down the distinct and independent origin histories of skateboards in several countries down to the most excruciating detail like how to write ‘skateboard’ in ancient Sumerun script and if someone asked the wrong questions he might as well tell you the history of wheels and the perfect manufacturing technique for screws to go with your uniquely customized board.
In short: Theory is useless.
Only a year into their relationship did Xiao figure out this man cannot skate.
Would he still have dated him?
Absolutely yes.
There’s barely anything better than coming home from a demanding beef against Kazuha to Zhongli sitting on the couch, legs pulled to his chest, lips pulled into a small pout as he trains his eyes on his Nintendo; the soothing rainy day music of animal crossing lingering in the air. The lights of the device flicker on his face, sharpening his already handsome features. What else can Xiao do than utter the most romantic words aka “you’ll ruin your eyes” before he plants himself next to his boyfriend, leaning against his shoulder to watch him catch coelacanth…
The only better thing is almond tofu—especially the one at Kazuha’s boyfriend’s pup café. A couple of days later he sits there with Kazuha, a generous portion of almond tofu in front of him.
“What’s actually the root cause of his inability to skate?” Kazuha peeks at him over the teacup he holds in his right hand, the other ruffling a shiba’s fur which snuggles his head against his hand.
“He’s as stiff as a rock.” Xiao presses his lips together. It doesn’t make any sense. Zhongli’s movements tend to be smooth and elegant; he should be able to hold his balance on a skateboard. Why does he seem to turn into a statue when he tries to stand on one?
Kazuha purses his lips. “Maybe ask around at S tonight. There should be plenty of people who know how to teach.”
“Are you looking forward to S?” Gorou stops over, pulling a chair towards Kazuha to get comfortable next to his boyfriend. The café is quite calm at this hour and he can spare a minute or two to chat. “It’s the Hound General of the Watatsumi Gang vs the Crimson Oni of the Arataki Gang tonight. A beef to remember, I’m sure.” He flashes a smile. “You shouldn’t miss it.”
Sure enough people have been looking forward to it. Though not for the reason Gorou might hope for. The crowd just loves the bang with which the Arataki Gang orchestrates their appearance—ungodly flashy, enough to attract the police. It’s been more than one time that the beef wasn’t between the Crimson Oni and another skater but between him and a fleet of police cars. He’d rush down the track, laughing maniacally, totally missing that his original opponent already bailed, all while unable to hear the sirens over the roaring crowd. Next thing he would jet into very dangerous—and illegal—parts of the track with just as much flashy—and illegal—moves, howling in zest and making himself very easy to follow.
“Don’t get into trouble.” Kazuha casts his boyfriend an ambiguous glance. The Watatsumi Gang had some infamous encounters with the police, too, after all.
Still. Xiao can’t say he isn’t a bit envious of Kazuha having a boyfriend who can skate. Not only skate; both of them are decent and they regularly beef each other. Before Xiao knew that Zhongli was incapable he frequently imagined the two of them racing down steep slopes and dizzying curves. He still does, but archons, reality and dreams sure are opposites. Especially when his boyfriend falls flat on his ass every time they try.
He really needs to figure out how to teach him.
They huddle together in Gorou’s small car once he closes his shop. Gorou is already clad in his alter ego getup, same as Kazuha. Xiao isn’t really into pretending to be someone else—and admittedly he never expected to need a cover—but for whatever reason he still gets dubbed as the Demon Conqueror. His unbroken winning streak might play a role in this.
Once they arrive Xiao sets off on his own mission as Gorou and Kazuha prepare for Gorou’s beef against the Crimson Oni.
When thinking about good teachers, the Divine Priestess—Kokomi—sure comes to mind; after all she’s the mastermind behind the Watatsumi gang’s success. Though tonight Xiao probably shouldn’t bother her; she is likely busy giving Gorou a final brief. It’s not a big problem however. S is full of talented skaters which is both a blessing and a curse. A curse because the noise and the bustle are way too much and—when you’re not the tallest person in the crowd—you can’t really see what’s going on. To be honest, if you’re not racing yourself it kind of sucks, and the only time it’s a blessing is when you have an inept boyfriend who can’t seem to get the fundamental basics of core balancing down, so you need to find someone with slightly more teaching experience than yourself.
The mission is easy as that: Zhongli is too stiff and lacks balance. Who knows how to fix this?
On his way, Xiao does find a few… well-intended hints:
Barsibato: “That blockhead needs to loosen up. Try this booze.” (Rating: unhelpful)
Shogun: “Foolish question. To find balance one must find harmony of body and mind. Meditate six hours a day.” (Rating: unrealistic)
Undead Butterfly: “Hehe. He knows too much and overthinks. A kiss might help.” (Rating: uncalled for)
Some suggest yoga, a vegan diet or a sacrifice to the seven archons. It does take a couple of them by surprise because Zhongli’s shop is quite known and he really doesn’t make it a secret that he is extremely knowledgeable on all things skateboard. If Xiao didn’t experience it first-hand himself he maybe wouldn’t believe it, too, but what can you do if life plays these kinds of jokes?
“I understand.” Kokomi and Kazuha stand next to the starting line where Gorou and the Crimson Oni give each other a final fist bump before they align at the edge of the ramp. The Arataki Gang is already making a ruckus with some firecrackers and booming music. “Take inspiration from all that surrounds you,” Kokomi says. “You’ll find solutions in the most unexpected places.” She waves at her general. “It’ll inspire you to understand each and every possibility and set up for success for every single one. Take this beef for example. We prepared twenty different skateboards to use dependent on: weather, condition of terrain, his opponent’s current mood—”
This is getting way too complicated. Zhongli is already overengineering his own skateboard and Xiao will decidedly not endorse this behaviour. It’s a waste of time and money. He nods and sets his eyes on the contestants. Gorou crouches on his board, one foot still on solid ground. A smile carves his face—eager, confident, ready to go. The Crimson Oni on the other hand still stands straight, one foot only lightly tapping his board. He takes his time to wave at his fans and to run a hand through his mane, only focusing on the track ahead when the speakers blast the countdown.
Three.
Gorou bends his knees, leans forward, readies his stance.
The Crimson Oni kicks up his board and takes a couple of steps back.
Two.
Gorou takes a deep breath; his muscles tense.
The Crimson Oni still holds his board in his hand, grin wide on his face.
One.
You can see how Gorou will charge.
The Crimson Oni moves his arm holding his skateboard back.
A shot cracks the air.
The Crimson Oni slams his board like a bowling ball against the ground, dashes and jumps. The impact of both of his feet meeting the wood bends his board into an arch, but he’s sturdy, solid, crossing the line at the same time as Gorou.
The scratch of wheels against loose debris, the dust which swirls behind them. They speed down the slope, an eruption of shouts behind them. Gorou uses the wake behind the Crimson Oni to accelerate, dives deep in the next curve, almost parallel to the ground. He overtakes. The crowd erupts in cheers once more, but the one celebrating is the Crimson Oni. His stance is still strong, rooted on his board, almost unchanged, and gravity works in his favor, accelerating him the more the slope falls, pulling him down the depths of the mountain. Gorou pulls ahead when the terrain becomes uneven, loose rocks littering the ground, easily circling around protrusions. The Crimson Oni just slams through any obstacle, unwilling to yield, unwilling to be nimble like Gorou but rather force his way like a rock—
This is it.
“General!—”
“—Crimson Oni!—”
Kazuha flashes him a glare, but this is finally a lead and Xiao will grasp it. He hurtles towards the start line, but Kazuha rushes after him, his skateboard already on the ground. “What—”
“He has to win.” Xiao slams his skateboard on the ground. “I’ll challenge him and make him teach—”
Police sirens.
Shit. The crowd disperses like fog, disappearing into the woods, deserting as soon as the fun ends.
Gorou and the Crimson Oni are still racing, oblivious to the third party which joined their beef unbidden. Kazuha pushes himself onto his board, but Kokomi darts her arm out, cutting off his chase. “I’ve foreseen this.” She lifts her head, certainty in her voice. “There will be no casualties to my subjects.”
Uhm, wait. Gorou takes a sharp turn and comes to a halt. He seems to shout something at the Crimson Oni but they’re too far away. Gorou shakes his head and bolts for the woods.
A minute later the Crimson Oni is detained by the Raven Tengu, the head police who’s been hot on his heels ever since he dared a stunt with explosive barrels.
The bad thing about tonight's that Kazuha is slightly pissed that he rooted for his boyfriend’s opponent.
The good thing about tonight’s that he has finally found a clue on how to teach Zhongli and he knows exactly where to get it.
When he arrives back at home, Zhongli busies himself in the kitchen with a bamboo shoot soup, humming to the melody of a Liyuen pop song from the 80s. His face brightens when Xiao enters the room. “Have you eaten yet? The soup will be ready in a couple of minutes. Please, have some.”
The fragrance of fresh bamboo and the savory aroma of deliciously fatty pork belly wafts through the air. He must have stewed this for hours. “Thank you.” He walks over and gives Zhongli a hug. Without missing a beat, Zhongli presses a kiss to his forehead, to his cheek, and when Xiao tilts up his head, to his lips.
“Someone seems to be in a good mood.” Zhongli nuzzles into their kiss, smiling against him, before he pulls back, gaze soft and warm, heart-melting.
“Yeah…” There’s no point in denying. “I’ve found a potential skateboarding teacher for you.”
His lips perk up, a bit surprised but happy because he knows how much Xiao wants them to skate together. There’s finally a ray of hope and one day, maybe, they can race against each other at S.
“We just need to bail him out of jail.”
***
“We believe the charges against Arataki Itto are unjustified,” Zhongli tries to plead for Itto. They managed to get the Crimson Oni’s real name out of Gorou once Kazuha made sure that he’s safe and sound, and Xiao really didn’t mean any ill—especially since Gorou didn’t seem to care at all, glad that he got away from the police and a bit rueful, too, that he didn’t manage to stop Itto from getting detained. He was actually glad that Xiao and Zhongli wanted to take this case on.
Zhongli squares his shoulders, regal in the suit he chose to wear, as he reasons with chief Kujou Sara—or at least that’s what her name badge says. “The track they traversed yesterday is a legal route any civilian is allowed to pass—”
“—In a velocity which doesn’t endanger other passing citizens, yes, but that was hardly the case—”
“—and to my knowledge it was ensured that no one would mistakenly find themselves traversing yesterday’s route—”
“—because the organizers consciously chose to forgo requesting an official permit and took measures into their own hands.”
Zhongli presses his lips together, running out of arguments. Xiao nudges his arm. S has always been a gray area and the fact that the chief and Itto are on anything but good terms, doesn’t help. Though, Zhongli casts him a quick glance before he leans forward, voice dropping low. “Ei enjoys dango milk.”
“What?!” Kujou Sara darts him a bewildered frown. A blush creeps up her cheeks.
“I know her well. And I can offer more.” Zhongli gestures at nothing in particular, face serious as if he’s striking a high-stake business deal. “Let Arataki Itto go just this once and I may share some insights on your esteemed superior.”
Xiao bites his lip. It’s a gamble. The fact that the Shogun is a frequent visitor at S is quite dicey. Not only that, she is one of the top dogs next to Venti and a couple others. Obviously, they wouldn’t blow her cover to her subordinate but there’s something comical in the fact that Kujou Sara is known to be ever faithful to her boss who on the other hand partakes in mildly dodgy skating affairs.
She eyes them with suspicion, unsure what she’ll get out of this, but it’s known that Zhongli and Ei—and Venti—were mates from kindergarten to high school. If there’s anyone who has anything interesting to share it has to be Zhongli—or Yae, the chatty owner of the kiosk around the corner.
“Just this once,” she finally says. Success. Xiao suppresses a smile. They did it. Now Zhongli will learn how to skateboard and they will one day have their own races. Hopefully they don’t land on the other side of the cell to which she leads them now.
Itto has a pretty carefree smile for someone who got detained; probably he knows he won’t be stuck in here for long when he sees them. Kujou Sara gestures for him to leave without many words and he only throws her a snide remark before following Xiao and Zhongli out.
“Phew! That was a rough night.” Itto stretches himself as they leave, his skateboard stuck in his backpack. “So, how come it’s the Demon Conqueror bailing me out this time?”
“The Demon Conqueror?” Zhongli raises a brow.
Huh. Xiao shakes his head. “A nickname. Ridiculous, I know.” He turns towards Itto. “Your freedom comes at a price. I want you to teach him—”—he points at Zhongli—”—how to skate.”
“Ahha!” Itto grins. “Learnin’ from the best, I see. Sure, can do.” He nods to himself. “But let me tell ya, it’s gonna be rough. Let’s meet tomorrow all fresh and rested.” He fishes out his phone and they exchange numbers.
Before they separate Xiao briefs Itto on what exactly he needs to be aware of when teaching Zhongli which he accepts with a knowing smile. Promising. Hopefully, he won’t be let down.
He’s let down.
“Uuuhh.” Itto totally sucks at concealing a smug smile on his face. “You know what. It’s super hard to get that right. C’mon. You sit down—Ha. You’re already sittin’—and just watch me do it.”
Zhongli—once again planting his nice ass after a not so nice fall on the ground—nods as Itto maneuvers his skateboard to spin in the air, to flip around its axis, to squeal down a rail. And Zhongli just claps excitedly at those cheap party tricks.
“What the fuck?!” Xiao explodes.
The two whirl their heads around to look at him.
“You’re supposed to teach him, not brag with your shitty skating skills—”
“—Ok, no need to get personal here—”
“—We didn’t bail you out for you to ridicule my boyfriend—”
“—He’s ya boyfriend?—”
“—I can get you right back into—”
“—Ok, ok, ok. Chill. Chill. Ya hear me. Take a deep breath. One, two, three.” Itto pats him on the back before he places his skateboard on the ground. “I gotchu. He can’t balance on one foot. Just—”—he jumps with both his feet onto the board—”—use both.”
“He’ll break—”
Zhongli jumps onto his own skateboard. He stands. He fucking dares to stand on his damned skateboard now of all times!!!!!
“A natural!” Itto runs his hand through his hair. “Dang, I’m an excellent teacher. Didn’t know that!”
“You know shit!” Xiao says, but damn if there aren’t tears springing to his eyes because, Morax, Zhongli finally did it! He’s standing on his cursed skateboard with its customized wheels and screws and imported fragrant cedar wood.
Itto shoves Zhongli and he even moves! Is it a dream? Is he going to wake up in a second?
They spend the whole afternoon practicing how to jump onto the board and when someone pushes Zhongli he manages to slowly roll two meters before losing speed and jumps off it with the brightest smile on his face. Xiao smiles, too.
“Thank you!” The both of them bow to Itto when they part. Zhongli hands him a business card of his shop, offering him to come in for tea if he should ever be in the area.
“We can skate together now.” Zhongli places his skateboard on the ground.
Is this really happening? The way home is mostly downhill. There’s really not much that can go wrong. He just needs to jump on it and let himself roll. Xiao nods. “Yes, let’s do it.”
They skate together. They’re literally skating towards the sunset together! Xiao takes the lead, Zhongli follows behind him, smiling fondly as they breeze down the hill. He’s still stiff like a rock, but nothing deters him from his path. If it goes so well just after one day, it really can’t be this long till they can beef against each other!
“You’re doing great!” Xiao yells to the back.
“Yeah…” A pause. “Xiao, I have a question.”
Xiao looks past his shoulder. Zhongli still stands rock-solid on his board, his hair dancing from the wind. Xiao perks up a brow. Everything seems fine.
“How do I stop?”
Oh, shit.
***
If the quest to learn is a ship on the open ocean then it is a journey where the shore will never be reached. — Xiao, who dreams of beefing his boyfriend until this very day.