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A fraction of stars since the beginning of the universe are destined to collide. Interlocked in a close orbital dance around one another. The fated collision can produce some of the strongest gravitational waves ever detected, rippling space-time like nothing we have ever seen before.
Sebastian and Kimi sit together. Shoulder-to-shoulder. Knee-to-knee. Subconsciously mirroring each other’s behaviour. (It has always been that way.) They are engrossed in conversation. Kimi is expressive around Sebastian. Hand gestures theatrical. Sebastian listens intently. Hanging on to his every word.
Their eyes meet. Pupils dilate. The world disappears. They meet in between a third place no one else has yet been. It is only them now. And it is peaceful. Quiet. Familiar. Suddenly, finally, there’s no more noise. (There’s always some kind of fucking noise.)
Eyes linger.
Hearts race.
Orbits spiral.
(The important things have always been left unsaid.)
Their eyes linger a little too long. (Like they always do.)
Their hearts race a little too fast. (Like they always do.)
Their orbits spiral a little too close. (Like they always do.)
Tomorrow, nothing will ever be the same again.
Two souls interlocked in an orbital dance around one another. Destined to collide since the beginning of the universe. A force of nature beyond control.
(The laws of physics are inescapable.)
Kimi is powerless. (This never happens.)
His eyes tell too much. (This never happens.)
Sebastian catches on. (This never happens.)
And then Sebastian: (and this is almost unbearable)
he sees me see him, and I see him see me.
Tomorrow, nothing will ever be the same again.
Sebastian and Kimi are falling. This is an ultimate loss of control. A surrender. A renaissance. This is delicate. This is chests pressed together. This is arms wrapped around backs. This is Sebastian demanding Kimi to come closer when it is physically impossible. (We have never been close enough.)
This is the apotheosis of a life spent in isolation.
Colliding stars can produce some of the strongest gravitational waves ever detected, rippling space-time like nothing we have ever seen before. The power radiating from this moment – from lips pressed together, from fingers entangled in hair, from hearts racing in perfect synchrony, from years’ worth of desperation, longing, isolation and need, from the merging of two souls – the power radiating from this moment puts the combined light power of every star and galaxy to shame. It’s delicate.
But then the distance grows. (This can’t be happening.) Like it has always done. (This can’t be happening.)
(Sebastian can’t defy the laws of physics.)
(Or can he?)
(Fuck.)
Sebastian is all chaos and turmoil. It is the terror of being seen, met, recognised. He had spent his life in hiding. He had built himself a house of denial with thick walls and small windows. Whoever lives there, little by little buries their soul.
It is difficult to speak. Sebastian’s voice cracks.
“How could you?”
Kimi is all chaos and turmoil. His body bears the same scars. His soul is immured by the same prison walls. Is all this illusion, imagination? (Why can I still feel those elusive walls?) Is this not the end? Will this isolation be for long, will it be forever, will it be for eternity?
The distance grows. Like it has always done.
“How could you?”
There’s urgency in Sebastian’s voice. And despair at the edge of it. This is a fated eruption of days’ and weeks’ and months’ and years’ worth of yearning and heartache, of sleepless nights and stolen dreams, of hopes lost and hopes regained, of forced lies and half-truths. Of saying no but really saying yes – God, yes, I do.
This is a catharsis.
“I have spent my life burying my soul. Piece by piece. I carefully dismantled the fundamentals of my being. With a shovel in hand, I dug my own grave. The headstone was placed when I proposed to my fiancée. I have committed a murder. I did the impossible and let you go. I destroyed myself and made place for something other.
I tried to save my soul. I clung onto who I once was. I resisted. I fought back. I embraced my battle wounds. I tried to make you notice. I needed you to see me. How my hands would linger. How my eyes would light up. How my tone of voice would change when I spoke your name.
I waited for you. As the years passed, the desperation grew. I scratched your name onto my prison walls. I screamed your name inside my head. I built a room for you in my house of denial.
I resisted. I fought back. I embraced my battle wounds. They were all for you, after all. I got back up until I couldn’t.”
Sebastian pauses. His breathing has become irregular. Tears are rolling down his cheeks in a ceaseless stream of agony. He tries to catch his breath, but his body is in overdrive.
Kimi crumbles completely when Sebastian cries. He sees him. He recognises the agony reflected in his eyes. He knows it all too well. It is his own. Their souls have been tied together by an invisible string of gold since the beginning of the universe. They were forced to embark on the same odyssey. Sentenced to a life of solitude together. (We bear the same scars.) Souls kept apart by forces of nature beyond their control.
Until now.
Kimi whispers out Sebastian’s name. Voice soft. Gentle. Sebastian’s name has always felt safe with Kimi. It’s delicate. A desperate attempt to, somehow, balance out the brutality of this life.
“Sebastian,” Kimi whispers out again. More urgently this time.
This released another torrent of words from Sebastian.
“I have tried so desperately to be seen by you. But you never did. You never gave me a sign. Why now? Now that I have destroyed who I once was? Now that I have become something else? Crafted a new life out of nothing with my own bare hands? How could you? How could you let me see you? How can I ever look at anyone else now that I have seen you?”
(Did it take too long? Is it too late now? Can Sebastian defy the laws of physics? Are we spiraling away from each other? This can’t be happening. Did I destroy him? Am I a black hole? Am I merely a comet? Is this a death or a rebirth? Do I have blood on my hands? Is this a reckoning?)
Kimi places his hands on Sebastian’s cheeks. Thumbs desperately trying to wipe away each and every teardrop. (This is unbearable.) Kimi has been protective of Sebastian since the moment he first laid eyes on him. He already knew him then. He recognised the fire in his soul. It shined so brightly it made Kimi shiver. He promised himself he would never let the world burn out his light.
That light is still there.
“I can still see you, Sebastian. You are still there. Buried deep inside. I can see you. My soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Our stars have always been the same. I love you terribly. I love you with a love that is more than love. It’s awfully, irreducibly real. I can make up anything but I can’t dream that away.”
They are struck from their senses by a sense of belonging. Sebastian locks Kimi in his arms. They close their eyes in a state of sheer serenity. They have been waiting for this moment all their lives. This is the completion of their stellar collision. This is when two souls become one. This is not a reckoning. The supreme power of deep, genuine affection has burned down the walls of their prisons. Every atom of Sebastian and every atom of Kimi – clinging together so tightly that nothing will ever tear them apart. They will draw stars around their scars.