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Silence, the only time that two people could be together, the only time that you could hear each other’s breathing, the silent but not awkward sound of two people. Nothing more than just reading books with each other. That’s all that they wanted and needed. They needed each other
And when broken bodies are washed ashore
Without each other they were broken, just two pieces of the same body floating around aimlessly until they found each other again. What was it to feel safe? Was it the company of someone you loved or being locked away in a ‘safe room’ everyone deemed the latter as the correct definition of ‘safety’ but we all know that even the person who created the definition of the word safety knew that being with someone you love is the safest you can feel? You are not just safe from the outside world, you are safe from your own demons.
Shinji looked up and met those red eyes he had done one too many times before. Even though they were red they had no evil intent whatsoever, they felt calm, warm and safe. It was only them to what Shinji first thought in the entire library and the books. Shinji’s cheeks were covered with the top of his book as they turned a dusty pink. He didn't want the grey haired boy to see how he made him feel. He wanted to bury all of his secrets till he couldn't push them down anymore.
But pushing down your secrets also leads you to make irrational decisions like shouting
“I think you look nice today!”
And everyone in the library turned around and looked at the boy in the window seat with a book over his flushed cheeks and him starting to panic inside because he just realised what he did and said.
The feeling of overwhelming stress and the build-up of anxiety overflowing and bubbling at the brim until it honestly feels like it's coming out of your eyes as tears, maybe the tears are just a reaction to the embarrassment or the overwhelming fear of everyone silently judging you or talking about you behind their backs.
Maybe for Shinji there really was only one person in this big world that really understood him, but would he be proud of him now? Would he know everything Shinji wanted to say?
And I can wish all that I want, but it won't bring us together
But no matter what he did, no matter what he
tried
to do nothing could ever bring them together because for them it was too late and now everything was starting to feel like a distant memory for Shinji. He was slowly but surely trying to move forward trying to see into the future but something kept dragging him back down.
The look on the other boys face when he saw the red blush on Shinji was to die for, he laughed lightly and softly moving his hand to cover his mouth as he laughed, Shinji examined this every time and watched him as he felt like his stomach was turning, was it the butterflies or the eyes of everyone on him?
“What are you reading Shinji?”
He pulled the book from over his face and read out “the catcher in the rye” a book Shinji had read time and time over and over again, maybe it was because he related to the themes of the book or maybe because he found it a good read. He had some sentimental attachment to it at least.
The people around Shinji looked at him, was he speaking too loud? They turned away almost as quickly as they looked. A few of them took small glances turning their heads slightly to view the boy. They wanted to see what he could see.
“What are you doing here”
Shinji was curious why had this red-eyed boy come back to see him again and why did he spend so much time with him. They were best friends, that’s what he thought, but did best friends share this much time together? Did best friends share baths together? Were
they
best friends?
The difference between friends and best friends is more than I think people realise. When does one go from being friends with someone to being best friends? Is it one day you decide or is it right from the very beginning your best friends? Well for Shinji and Kaworu right from the beginning they were more than best friends
“I had some spare time so I thought I’d come and pay my favourite person a visit I knew you’d be here reading that same book you always are reading”
He knew Shinji too well, he knew him like nobody else did.
The stars were just coming out and people were slowly leaving the library, a few people every half an hour. Shinji was counting. The moon was nothing but a distant blob in the sky that seemed endless. If only they could live in space. Then they would have all the room in the world to stretch their arms out and everyone to live in peace. Why did there have to be all these wars? Why did all of this have to happen? Why did it have to end like this? Why did people have to leave? Why?
Know it's for the better
Shinji buried his head in his hands trying to push the tears that were brimming in his eyes back into his body. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He especially didn't want him to see him like this.
Shinji started overthinking again and then broke down, this was common. Often but after recent events, it got worse. Nobody knew how to help him. He spent most of his time in the library. not letting anyone touch him or come near him. he was unapproachable. Silent and retreated
A comforting rub on his shoulder was enough for him to feel at ease again, he didn't know whether it was the touch of him or just the feeling that someone was there and he wasn't alone.
The grey haired boy smiled sweetly at him, warm and comforting.
The other boy stood up still keeping eye contact with Shinji, he put his hand out a sign for Shinji to hold it.
“Come on stand up,” he said hurriedly, not wanting to waste any more time. He didn't even know what his own intentions were; he just wanted to be able to see the light shine on Shinji’s face. Instead of being in that dark window seat. Where only their shadows seemed to live
Shinji began to stand up out of the window seat. He looked at the red eyes standing in front of him, a shared headphone between them. Listening to a song that spoke more words than they both could ever say. Shinji felt calm, he finally felt at peace. He felt like he could do anything. Whether this was because he had just been having a conversation with the person he loves the most in the world or because the air wasn't as thick as it was before but he felt like finally, he could say what he wanted to say.
“I love you Kaworu”
Those words being let off Shinji’s chest was the warmest and coldest feeling in the world, it was like a rod of ice had just struck through his heart but Kaworu was there melting it with his soft warm hands, it felt okay. He finally felt okay.
Kaworu looked at Shinji, a tear slowly falling out of his eye. The first time he cried in front of Shinji was this very moment. It was happiness mixed with the feeling of ‘it's too late’ but he was proud of Shinji. Proud of him for finally saying it.
Those words they both had needed to say a long time ago, the words that could’ve changed everything but anger, hate and disappointment took over. The pressure of someone’s life in your hands took over. Everything took over them and what they could’ve had was stolen away from them. Maybe if just maybe they hadn’t waited so long. This would’ve been so much easier and so much happier but they needed to try, and trying is the hardest thing when you don't even know how to stand.
He gently places his hand on Shinji’s face cupping his cheek, he brings them close together, their foreheads touching, the feel of the warmth of Shinji’s forehead. Maybe a slight droplet of sweat too. Shinji was excited and maybe a slightly little bit nervous. This was a positive reaction right?
Kaworu brought their lips together, soft and gentle at first. He didn't want to scare Shinji. Shinji’s lips were warm and Kaworus' were cold and almost empty. Shinji didn't know how to kiss but he was going to make the most of this time as it could be the only time he gets to kiss the person he loves so much. Shinji kissed back desperately and to his surprise Kaworu deepened the kiss, holding their lips together and sliding his tongue over Shinji’s lip. This kiss was desperate and so important so very important to Shinji’s growth and his happiness. This was something they both needed.
“I love you too Shinji”
And with those words Kaworu let go
And I can wish all that I want, but it won't bring us together
The last few people were looking at Shinji now, a confused but worried look on their faces. Shinji was so confused. He didn't understand why these people were leaving their seats and walking towards him. He was panicking, maybe they didn't like that he and Kaworu had just kissed, it wasn't exactly socially acceptable at the moment to do that.
The fear that was once gone had slowly come back over him like a tsunami, he didn't understand why he couldn't hear Kaworu's voice anymore, he didn't understand why the world was spinning and why he was shaking with his head in his hands once again.
The two people lift him up an arm under each of his own and carry him out of the library.
Shinji looks behind him at a shadow of two boys sitting in a window seat, one of them fades away but two glowing red eyes stay, that boy looks at Shinji once. Waves a simple goodbye and continues to look out the window at the stars in the sky.
From the distance Shinji was at now, that boy looked like a star in his ever-spinning world.
Shinji was dropped in at his home and went straight to his room. Clutching the book in his hand. It's the book he and Kaworu first read together ‘the catcher in the rye’ they both related to the protagonist and shared moments reading it together to feel a little less alone and preserve whatever innocence they had left.
Shinji didn't want to talk to anyone, he didn't want to see anyone, he wanted Kaworu but he couldn't even have that. He laid down head in his hands, earbuds in and the book lay next to him like a person. That he wished was there.
He began to remember that day when he asked him to kill him, when he didn't even get to say or do what he really wanted to. Regret, pain and memories.
And so
Shinji rocked himself to sleep slowly crying into his own hands wishing that maybe something else happened that day that maybe it didn't end the way it did or maybe wishing he had more time to say the things he never did because all he could do right now was whisper softly to himself through choked up tears “I know it's for the better”