Chapter Text
Astra had hated Christmas for as long as she could remember.
Okay, so that wasn’t exactly true. As a little girl, Astra had adored Christmas. She loved baking sugar cookies with her mother and listening to her mother sing ‘Silent Night’ to her before putting her to bed. She’d loved watching ‘Home Alone’ because it was funny to see a boy barely older than her kick two adults’ butts. Staying up late to track Santa on Norad and sitting on Natalie’s lap as she read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ had been her favorite Christmas Eve traditions.
However, ever since losing her mother and being sent to Hell, Astra just couldn’t enjoy Christmas anymore. The holiday served as a painful reminder of better, more innocent times, so she was determined to push it as far from her thoughts as possible. Back when she ruled Hell, she would rip out the throat of any of her lackeys who so much as dared to whistle ‘Deck The Halls’ as they passed her by. She never hung up any decorations and burning a Yule Log in the hellfire was simply not an option. On Christmas Eve, she forsook eggnog, Christmas ham, and fruitcake in favor of her usual diet of raw meat, insects, and the blood of her enemies.
But then she joined the Legends and gradually came to understand that spreading misery and fear during the holidays was a great way to lose all your friends. She understood that when she felt pain and sorrow at the loss of her mother, it was better to go talk to Spooner rather than conjuring a legion of fire nymphs to burn Gary’s ass…she understood this, but that didn’t mean she always acted on this.
To Astra’s credit, she was getting better. In the days leading up to Christmas she’d only gifted Zari one skunk-spray perfume. She’d only shredded two of Gary’s holiday bow ties. She’d only dumped a little hot chocolate on Nate’s head (it hadn’t even been that hot!), and that was only because he wouldn’t stop pestering her about helping him set up a toy train track all around the ship. She hadn’t even destroyed the radio when Ava turned on the Holiday channel, she’d only threatened to break their necks if anyone sang along. That counted as progress.
Having Spooner as a friend helped. As a Christian, Christmas meant something to her that Astra couldn’t fully understand. Honestly, it had initially been a huge shock, having a Christian as a friend, seeing as Astra had been the Queen of Hell and all. But Astra cared deeply about Spooner’s feelings. Hurting her wasn’t funny, not like making Gary cry, Zari scream, or Ava have a panic attack was. And ruining Christmas would’ve hurt her very deeply.
As such, Astra did her best to rein herself in and only spread a moderate amount of chaos - for example, mixing vinegar into the Christmas punch rather than rat poison.
However, this Christmas Eve, Astra was incensed. Christmas Eve had come about three weeks after the Legends made it back on the Waverider, after their excursion with the riveter women in the 40’s. Zari had decided to wait until the week prior to Christmas Eve to inform Astra that John was not dead, but in fact had left the team. Upon hearing this news, Astra had flown into a rage and asked why Zari hadn’t told her sooner. Zari’s logic was that it would be best to wait until the Legends had made it back home and everything had calmed down before spreading the news. And now, one week later, Astra paced around her room, still angry. She had been able to control her temper in the days leading up to Christmas Eve, but just the fact that everyone was happy for Christmas brought back all of Astra’s rage, because if she was angry, why should the others deserve to be happy?!
Astra punched a pillow, furious. “How could he do this to me? He didn’t even say goodbye!” No one she loved ever said goodbye - not John, not Lachesis, and certainly not her mother, whose ghost Astra hadn’t even gotten to see before being sent to Hell. Was she not worth it? Astra knew Lachesis never cared, even though, deep down, she’d always hoped that maybe Lachesis would apologize after having been defeated. But John? Astra had expected better from him.
Astra paused her rage for a moment when she heard singing coming from the Parlour. Astra rolled her eyes. The Legends must’ve been watching some dumb Christmas movie and were singing along to whatever inane songs made up the soundtrack. Astra rubbed her temples in frustration. How was she supposed to rage when they were singing so loud, she could barely hear her own thoughts?!
There’s only one thing that can make this better, Astra thought to herself. I need to shut those losers up.
Astra stormed into the Bridge and gagged in disgust. The place was too cheerful, so disgustingly saccharine that Astra wanted to vomit. The Bridge and Parlour were decked from hall to hall with garlands and jingle bells. Slightly off to the side of the Parlour’s entrance was a table piled high with Christmas goodies, from a bowl of eggnog to figgy pudding to those stupid looking Gingerbread Legends that Nate and Gary frosted every year. A comically massive Christmas tree almost blocked the entrance of the Parlour, decorated with an abundance of ornaments, lights, and popcorn strings. At the base of the tree were at least twelve six-foot-high piles of presents. There were also mistletoe hanging freaking everywhere, causing Astra to wonder if Nate and Ava had collaborated to come up with the perfect plan to make up an excuse to kiss their partners an insanely excessive number of times throughout the night. As Astra entered the Bridge, she dodged around the mistletoe-laden ceiling like a minefield, not daring to be caught under one.
Astra then turned to the Parlour, within which sat every one of the Legends watching some holiday special about Beebo. Ava and Sara shared a chair, with Sara’s legs draped across Ava’s lap. Gwyn Davies sat in a chair across from them, a small, amused smile on his face, as he sipped a cup of hot chocolate. Nate sat on the floor, leaned up against the side of Sara and Ava’s chair, with Zari 1.0 sitting between his legs, her back pressed against his chest, with one of his arms wrapped loosely around her waist. Behrad and Gary sat in the center of the floor, stuffing their faces with popcorn, candy canes, cookies, and whatever else they had fabricated that afternoon. Gideon and Spooner also sat on the floor, leaning against Gwyn’s chair. Spooner seemed only half-focused on the movie, whereas Gideon gave it her full, undivided, awestruck attention. Gideon had sugar cookie frosting smeared all around her mouth, but didn’t seem to care. Worst of all, they were all wearing cheesy Christmas pajamas, except for Gwy who was wearing a simple yet jolly Christmas tie.
“What’s wrong with you people?” snapped Astra. “Are you all five years old?!”
Sara, more amused than offended by Astra’s outburst, simply shrugged. “Aves wanted some cute Christmas pictures for her albums, and you know what they say: happy wife, happy life.”
“Ava bribed me with Christmas donuts,” admitted Zari, holding up a donut with red frosting and red, green, and white sprinkles on top.
“What’s got you all pissed, Astra?” asked Spooner. At the moment, Spooner was trying to figure out how mad Astra was on a scale of one to ten. A ‘one’ meant that words would be said, feet would be stomped, and that would basically be the end of it. A ‘ten’ meant that they should all duck for cover, because Astra was about to turn them into things way worse than a fork, a wheel of cheese, and a candlestick. Spooner was beginning to fear that this rage was headed into at least the ‘seven’ or ‘eight’ territory.
“Well, for one thing, you guys won’t stop singing those stupid Christmas carols,” sneered Astra. “It’s giving me a migraine. And on top of that, you’ve cranked up the TV’s volume so loud that I can hear Beebo’s obnoxious voice from all the way down the hall.”
Nate gasped. “How dare you insult Beebo like that!”
“Since when did you become such a Grinch?” asked Zari.
“I’m not a Grinch!” snapped Astra.
“Fine, then, a Scrooge,” said Zari.
Astra rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “You know what? Call me whatever you want as long as you shut the hell up.”
Before Sara could get up and snap at Astra for being so rude, Spooner stepped in to mitigate the situation. “You know what? It’s getting late...sort of. We probably should turn the TV down a bit so that Astra can relax.” It wasn’t really that late, but Spooner just wanted to end this fight.
Behrad, disappointed but not wanting a fight to break out on Christmas Eve, nodded and turned down the television’s volume. “There. Can we all chill now?” Behrad noticed that Gwyn was beginning to hyperventilate and decided that it was time to put a kibosh on the whole situation.
“Astra started it,” mumbled Nate, under his breath.
“What did you just say?” snarled Astra.
“Nothing!” squeaked Nate, looking panicked.
“Fine,” muttered Astra. “I’m out of here.”
As she turned to leave, she stubbed her toe on a present that was blocking her path out of the Bridge. “Stupid gift…” she growled, followed by a much louder shout of, “Stupid Christmas!”
Astra punted that present like a football and watched as it hit the Christmas tree. Astra gulped. She hadn’t intended to hit the tree, she’d just wanted to hit Gary in the head, but the tree took up too much space between Astra and Gary’s head-target.
The force of the projectile-present sent the tree teetering on its flimsy-looking stand. Everyone watched, unable to move, unable to breathe, as the tree teetered back and forth, waiting to see if it would stop. It didn’t, unfortunately, and began to tip.
Immediately, Zari and Behrad jumped to their feet and blasted the tree with their air powers before it could fall down on top of all of them. Fortunately, the tree didn’t crush anyone. Less fortunately, the tree veered sideways and landed smack-dab in the middle of the snack table. The tree came down almost perfectly on the edge of the eggnog bowl, launching the eggnog out and spraying all the Legends in the Parlour with the thick, creamy liquid.
That was not all, though. The contents of the present Astra had kicked must’ve broken, because suddenly the air was filled with an intense aroma, causing the Legends to cough and gag. “What the hell is that?!” screamed Ava.
“Oh my god…I think it’s Other Me’s perfume,” said Zari. “She threatened to get me some for Christmas, but she promised that she’d fix the recipe!”
“Yeah, she clearly failed,” groaned Sara, as she could feel her sense of smell slowly fading.
“Wait, if we can’t smell, then how can we enjoy our Christmas feast?” asked Gary.
“We can’t,” said Gwyn, sadly.
“And who’s responsible for that?” asked Sara, sarcastically, as everyone turned to Astra.
Astra couldn’t help but burst into laughter, forcefully repressing any feelings of guilt. Dripping wet and unable to smell, the Legends were now definitely as miserable as she was. Her laughter died down, however, when she saw Spooner’s ‘I’m-not-mad-I’m-just-disappointed’ face, and realized that Gideon looked like she was about to cry.
“My first Christmas is ruined!” wailed Gideon, prompting Gary to wrap an arm around her, comfortingly.
Now feeling the guilt seep in, Astra said. “Guys…I didn’t meant to-”
However, she was interrupted by the Christmas tree abruptly bursting into flames. The Legends began to scream as the lights on the tree exploded, causing the flames to rise higher and higher. “Something must’ve gone wrong with the circuitry when it fell!” shouted Behrad. “How’re we going to put out a fire that’s that big?!”
“With this,” said Nate, grabbing the bowl of Christmas punch on the table next to Sara.
“Wait, Nate, no!” screamed Sara, but it was too late. Sara had kept the Christmas punch next to her rather than on the treat table because it was alcoholic, and she hadn’t wanted Zari or Behrad to accidentally drink it. The little bowl of punch did little to quench the fire, but the alcohol did a lot to make the fire rise.
While the others were freaking out, Spooner had run off to grab the fire extinguisher. She came back moments later with it and sprayed absolutely everything - the tree, the gifts, the Parlour and, consequently, all the Legends within the Parlour. “Talk about a winter wonderland,” muttered Spooner, as all the white foam within the extinguisher emptied out across the Bridge. “Sorry, guys.”
Gary’s head popped out of the foam, which had formed into a long, white, Santa beard on his chin. “Don’t be sorry, Spooner. You were just trying to help.” He gave the group an anxious smile. “I mean…at least this night can’t get any worse, right?”
“Never say that, Gary!” shouted Zari.
Sure enough, within seconds the power went out. “Just great,” groaned Behrad. “The fire must’ve fried the ship’s circuits.”
“So no Christmas movies and music?” asked Gideon, who looked as though she were desperately hoping that someone would tell her that that wasn’t the case.
“I mean…I can play Christmas music on my phone,” said Nate. “But I don’t think any of us have any Christmas movies currently downloaded on our electronic devices, so probably no movies.”
“B-But I wanted to see all the movies!” cried Gideon. “I’ve never seen them before with real, human eyes!”
“I guess you’re just going to have to wait until next year,” snapped Sara. She tried to keep the rage out of her tone, considering that Gideon did nothing to deserve her anger, but she could barely control herself. “Are you happy with yourself, Astra? Did you get what you wanted?”
Everyone turned to Astra in surprise. In the chaos of the moment, they’d almost forgotten that she’d caused this whole mess.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to knock the tree over! This isn’t my fault!” snarled Astra, letting renewed anger at Sara’s accusation wash away her overwhelming guilt.
“Um, actually, I’d take a poll if I were you,” snapped Sara, matching Astra’s tone. “I’m pretty sure everyone here blames you for what just happened.”
In response, all the other Legends murmured their awkward agreements, everyone except Ava, who was beginning to feel concerned about just how angry Sara looked. “Babe…don’t do anything you’ll regret later…”
Zari winced. She couldn’t forget the time that she’d pissed Sara off and Sara had broken her arm in response.
“Oh, whatever I do now, I doubt I’ll regret,” growled Sara.
“That goes for me, too,” said Astra, coldly, as her hands turned red with magic.
Immediately, Spooner jumped between them. “Break it up, you two! Sara, we’ve gotta get this place cleaned up. Astra…just…just go. You’ve done enough already.” Spooner couldn’t even look Astra in the eyes, and that stung.
“Fine…” muttered Astra, storming off. She could feel the guilt creeping back into her mind as she stormed down the hall and entered her bedroom, slamming the door behind her, but refused to give it any thought. Whenever she began to feel remorse, she just reminded herself of all the things she had to be angry about this holiday season, and suddenly the remorse was far from her mind. Astra locked the door, resolved to not leave her room until the new year, flopped on her bed, and went to sleep.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Legends spent the remaining hours of Christmas Eve cleaning the Bridge. Gary grabbed a mop and began to wipe up the spilled punch and eggnog. Nate tried to stand the tree back up, but the tree stand got seriously dented during the fall and ultimately Nate just leaned the tree against a wall of the Bridge. It had lost so many needles, and was so burnt to a crist, that it looked more like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree than the perfect evergreen he and Zari had picked out that morning. Zari and Behrad used their air powers to blow the pine needles and smashed lights and ornaments out of the way of anyone’s feet and into a garbage bag. Sara trashed the destroyed, pinesap-coated food while Ava trashed all the presents that got smashed under the fallen tree. Spooner took a wet rag and scrubbed the floor under the snack table, which was now covered in mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and creamed corn. Gwyn disposed of the turkey and fruitcake. No one bothered to play any Christmas music - they weren’t in the mood anymore.
Gideon teared up as she picked up the smashed remains of the Gingerbread Waverider. “The Gingerbread Waverider is destroyed!” gasped Gideon. “Where are the Gingerbread Legends supposed to live now?!”
“At Gingerbread Constantine’s house,” Nate called over his shoulder. Gideon let out a sigh of relief, grateful that the Gingerbread Legends wouldn’t be Gingerbread Homeless.
By 11:00 PM, the Legends were almost done cleaning, but had no time left to play charades, sing karaoke, make crafts, hold an ugly sweater fashion show, or do any of the other things Gideon had hoped to do for her very first Christmas Eve. Gideon headed back to her room, head hung in defeat. Ava followed her, saying, “Well…I can show you how to track Santa with Norad if that’ll make you feel any better.”
“Staring at a computer screen all alone isn’t what I had in mind for Christmas Eve…” mumbled Gideon, gloomily.
“I’ll watch with you!” called Gary, as he followed after Gideon and Ava.
“Can I borrow the jump ship?” Spooner asked Sara.
“Why?” asked Sara.
“I want to jump back in time to attend Midnight Mass with my mom,” admitted Spooner. “I was thinking I could take Gwyn with me.”
Sara nodded. “You two have fun. Don’t tell anyone about the future, okay?”
“Got it, Cap,” said Spooner, as she and Gwyn headed down the hall to board the jump ship. Gwyn looked absurdly excited to spend over two hours in an old church on Christmas Eve, but Sara didn’t question it.
“What about you three?” asked Sara, turning her attention to Zari, Behrad, and Nate.
Zari and Nate exchanged a sad look. “Well…we were planning on visiting Ray and Nora but now it’s too late for that,” sighed Nate. “I guess I’ll visit them tomorrow…alone…” Zari 1.0 and 2.0 were planning on trading places early Christmas morning.
“Behrad and I are going to have to take the rest of the night to fix the power,” said Zari. “It’s not pretty. The fire really messed with the circuits.”
“Yeah, looks like this could take hours,” said Behrad, poking his head out from under the Bridge’s main console.
“I’ll stay up with you guys,” said Nate.
“Babe, you don’t have to,” said Zari. “You should get some rest. We’ll be fine.”
“No way,” said Nate. “I planned for a Christmas Eve with my girlfriend, and I’m following through with that plan! Even if that means staying up all night.”
Zari and Behrad exchanged looks. No way was Nate going to make it all night without falling asleep, but it was a nice sentiment.
Sara felt a pang of sympathy. Zari, Nate, and Behrad (and Spooner and Gwyn too, for that matter) hadn’t even gotten the chance to clean themselves up since cleaning up the Bridge took so long. Behrad had probably wanted to spend the night watching movies, and Nate and Zari had probably wanted to spend the night cuddling in matching Christmas flannels or whatever the hell those two lovebirds did, but instead they would be spending the night trying not to get electrocuted by the ship’s damaged circuitry, eggnog crusted in their hair.
“I could stay up with you guys too, if you want,” suggested Sara.
Nate shook his head. “No. Go enjoy your first Christmas Eve as a married woman.”
“Yeah,” said Behrad, solemnly. “You guys shouldn’t miss out on Christmas sex just to watch us repair a bunch of machines.”
“Thanks, B,” said Sara, awkwardly patting his shoulder. She didn’t exactly know what else to say in response to that. “Okay…I’m going back to my room then. Don’t stay up too late,” she added in her mom-voice.
Meanwhile, back in Astra’s room, Astra tossed and turned in her bed, having the strangest dream…