Work Text:
When Niki wakes up in the early morning of a Sunday, he’s expecting at least Jungwon or Heesung to be still asleep in their beds, but the room is empty. It leaves him confused and slightly disoriented, but he ignores that feeling. Maybe they decided to get up on time for once. It’s rare, but it happens.
Then Niki realises how quiet it is. That definitely isn’t normal in the morning. He stands from his bed, but loses his balance and ends up on the floor almost immediately. He listens carefully, waiting for a single “what was that?” or “You okay, Niki?”, but it never comes. Niki rises from the floor, slowly this time so as to not arrive at the floor again.
He trudges to the kitchen. Empty. Instead, a post-it note sits in the middle of the table. The dancer walked closer, instantly recognising Jay’s handwriting in perfect japanese.
‘We went out to have breakfast with our txt hyungs as a treat. We didn’t want to wake you up because Jake said you hadn’t slept much last night. We’ll bring pancakes back for you!!’
Niki just sighs. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. It’s fine. He didn’t care that much anyway. ( He did. )
🎤🎤🎤
A few days later, they have an interview for their latest comeback. Niki is not having a good day (he was having a lot more of those; bad days) and is also having a hard time following what’s going on. “-ki,” His head snaps up, meeting the eyes of Jungwon, who looks annoyed.
“Sorry. What was the question?” Niki asks. He rubs his nape, an awkward chuckle leaving his lips. The interviewer simply smiles. “I was wondering, since you seem to have improved so much since the I-LAND survival show and your skills just keep on growing in almost every area, do you think you’re more talented than the rest of your members?”
Niki pauses in shock. What? What sort of question was that? He realises all eyes are on him so he clears his throat, trying not to look too uncomfortable. As rude as the question was, this is still an interview. “Uh.. Well, we’re all talented in our own ways.” The interviewer definitely isn’t satisfied, if the frown on her face is anything to go by.
“But do you think you’re more talented?”
Niki isn’t having this. There is no way he is going to give this interviewer what they want. “No, I don’t. As I said, we’re all different in our own ways and it would be unfair to compare different talents.” The interviewer frowns, but she quickly moves onto the next question.
“If you could spend the rest of your life with only one person for the rest of your life, who would it be?”
It took Sunoo about 3 seconds of thinking before yelling “Jungwon-ah!”.
Jungwon immediately yells ‘Sunoo hyung!” back, despite sitting right next to each other, and both fall onto their backs as they hug. Niki watches on with a smile at two of his hyungs messing around, but that smile falls gradually.
“Ah, Sunghoon-ah!” Heesung yells and latches onto Sunghoon next to him. Jake claps as he laughs and turns to Jay to put his arm around his shoulder.
“Get off me.” Jay mutters but his smile grows so big Niki can see his eyes turn into crescents as Jake encases Jay in a hug.
Niki brings his knees to his chest. As his hyungs hug their friends, he hugs his knees. He supposes it makes sense; each member has an actual ‘friend’. Jay and Jake were both born in the same year, and they both come from English-speaking countries. Heesung and Sunghoon have been close ever since I-LAND, and Sunghoon is always clinging to his hyung anyway; and Jungwon and Sunoo, despite being born in 2004 and 2003 respectively, are actually only a few months apart.
And, yeah, Niki is only a year younger than his youngest hyung, but he’s from Japan, his Korean isn’t as great as everyone else, and the only people he became close to in I-LAND were eliminated, so it makes sense he’s left out.
He’s an outsider.
In the beginning, as members began to solidify their positions in Enhypen, Niki had realised the age difference, had anticipated a different dynamic between him and everyone else, but he was okay being the maknae as they doted on him. There is a level of respect expected from him to every single hyung and that’s okay, because that’s what comes with being the youngest.
As the group grew in fame and popularity, the babying was beginning to stop slightly and Niki was curious as to how the dynamic would change. What he didn’t think or expect was for him to just…be forgotten.
It becomes more apparent as the director calls “cut” and signals for everyone to start packing up. Niki’s hyungs stay laughing and hugging around the table. Jungwon tries to sit up but Sunoo keeps pulling him back down. Jay and Jake are sitting and laughing about inside jokes in English, the same with Heesung and Sunghoon, but in Korean.
Niki feels out of place and awkward, so he carefully stands up and takes off his hoodie before walking silently back to their dressing room. He can hear the giggling as staff try to get them to pack their things, too. Niki changes into his baggy sweat before any of them are even back to the room. He sighs and decides to wait in the car, his thoughts making it hard to listen to their glee.
Sitting in the car makes it worse. The silence eats him up. Niki starts to overthink massively. Not only about his position in Enhypen, but also his position in their friendship. Maybe all he’ll be to his hyungs is the maknae; the youngest one they need to make sure is respectful and independent. Niki’s eyes drift closed as he leans his head against the window, swallowing his thoughts down as he drifts asleep.
Niki wakes up with a tap to his shoulder. “Niki-ssi! We’re at the dorm, you can get out now.” The driver says with a smile, leaning over the front seats of the van to wake Niki up from his nap. Niki his eyes and notices how empty and quiet the van is.
“They already went inside, go on.” The driver answers the question he couldn’t bring himself to ask.
When he enters the dorm, he tries not to display his hurt at the scene before him. Heesung and Sunghoon are starting a new drama, not leaving any room for anyone else to join in. Sunoo and Jungwon are already in the main bedroom, playing Uno. They make eye contact with him, but almost immediately go back to their game. They don’t bother inviting him. He can hear Jay and Jake talking in the kitchen together, laughs piercing through the door every now and then.
Niki feels locked out, even if he stands right there.
🎤🎤🎤
It’s when Niki’s eating alone at lunch the next day that he feels it all again.
The day had gone on as normal, everyone too wrapped up in rehearsals to think about anything other than nailing the choreography. Then they take a lunch break. Niki chugs his water down. Jungwon walks over and leans against the mirror next to him to get his breath back when Sunoo joins them.
“Ready to go to lunch?” Sunoo asks. Jungwon nods and stands upright, beginning to walk beside Sunoo. Niki begins walking with them, albeit slightly behind. “Last one there has to pay.” Jungwon challenges just before he and Sunoo break off into a sprint out of the studio and down the hallway to the parking lot. Niki stands bemused in the middle of the studio.
He realises that their lunch was pre-planned and he wasn’t invited. He frowns and walks to the rest of his hyungs but as soon as he gets there they separate into their typical pairs. Jay and Jake mention being invited to hang out with Yeonjun. Heesung and Sunghoon want to try a new café that recently opened.
And Niki is left to his own devices once again.
It happens the next day, too. Eating alone again. Everyone is off with their best friends. Niki is starting to wonder when someone will like him that much. Maybe he’ll be good enough for someone, then.
It’s the third day of being alone when Niki fully understands what’s happening within the group. At least he thinks he does. He isn't good enough to be friends with the members. He’s simply there as a filler. He’s maknae. Plain and simple.
🎤🎤🎤
When Niki enters an empty practice room, the light isn’t working and he doesn’t know where to get a new bulb to fix it, so he walks into the dark practice room, uses the flashlight on his phone to light up enough to eat his salad, turns off the light and decides to nap. It’s too dark to do anything productive, anyway, and it’s not like he can hang out with any of his other members.
When he wakes back up, he groans. The position he chose to sleep in was definitely not his best choice. His eyes widen as he checks the time on his phone. He's 45 minutes late to a group review session. He also realises the lack of messages and missed calls members tend to send when one of them is late to a schedule.
Sunghoon and Heesung sit next to each other looking over old practice videos and giving feedback to one another. Jungwon is in the recording booth while Sunoo monitors his singing. Niki hears giggling as Jay and Jake sit at the long desk on the other side of the room together singing lyrics from their songs together.
Niki enters silently. “Did I miss much?” He whispers.
“What?” Sunoo asks as stretches out on the chair.
“Did I miss much?” The maknae repeats a little louder.
“Why? Did you space out, again?” Sunoo asks, voice not accusing, only innocently wondering, but Niki’s breath gets caught in his chest. They didn’t even notice he wasn’t there. He had missed 45 minutes of their group review session and none of the members had noticed that he was not there.
Niki swallows thickly, trying ever so hard not to let his tears show. “Uh, yeah.” He lies.
“We’re all figuring out the sections in the title track. PD-nim wants you to finalise the harmonies today for the chorus between us three and Jake hyung.” Jungwon says as he exits the recording booth, headphones hung around his neck. Niki just nods. He shouldn’t intrude. So he gets up and sits on the spare chair opposite Jay and Jake at the desk. Once his laptop and headphones are set out on the desk, Niki notices Jake awkwardly turn to him with a guilty look on his face..
“Uh, you’re working there?” He asks.
Niki nods slowly. He thinks it’s kind of obvious, but he keeps his mouth shut. “Yeah? I’m just listening to the different tracks of the harmonies we have to finish finalising.”
His hyungs nod and it’s very awkward. It’s never awkward between Niki and his hyungs, but they don’t really feel like his hyungs anymore. Just people he works with.
“It’s just we’re working on the back and forth between Jake’s singing and my singing and we sort of have this corner to ourselves so we don’t get distracted.” Jay explains. Niki frowns slightly.
There’s nowhere to sit comfortably other than the floor, and he absolutely despises working on the floor. If they needed peace and quiet they could go to another studio. Instead of mentioning that, Niki just holds up his noise cancelling headphones and forces an easy smile. “I won’t be making any noise, hyungs.”
Jake and Jay do that awkward nod again and go back to their work. Niki tries to get rid of the anxiety that having a conversation with his hyungs has caused. He’s trying to understand what the weird tension he’s always feeling is.
After about 10 minutes of trying to focus on his work and not drown in his thoughts, Niki’s leg is lightly tapped. He looks up to see Jake hyung motioning for him to take his headphones off and he does.
“Sorry, Riki. It’s just…you’re just a distraction at the moment. We’re really trying to focus.” He says and Niki feels pieces of his heart breaking. He tries to remind himself that it’s not that bad. They just want peace. Peace from him, in this busy room, leaving him without anywhere to go or anyone to sit with when they could easily find somewhere quiet.
It’s not not that bad.
Niki nods and packs his stuff back into his bag and with one last look around the packed room, he leaves.
Niki opts to work in any empty studio he can find. The second the heavy door slams shut, Niki lets his bag fall onto the couch and he kneels to the floor and cries. With the amount of soundproofing in this studio, Niki is extremely confident no one will hear him, but it’s not like anyone’s checking on him.
Niki doesn’t have anyone else besides his hyungs. His family lives in Japan, and his packed schedule means he’s never gotten a chance to visit them since I-LAND. It doesn’t help that Niki is just naturally shy around people he doesn’t know and outside of Enhypen, he hasn’t been able to make friends on his own. It’s this thought that has him feeling helpless.
If his hyungs decide that he’s not good enough and they don’t need him anymore, then who else does he have? Niki mostly feels angry at himself for not seeing it coming. He’s too young, too far apart in age and in language. Why on earth would they want to form a bond with him?
🎤🎤🎤
“Niki?” Heesung’s voice brings Niki out of his nap.
“Why are you in here?” He asks. He’s looking around the room as if he is trying to find something.
“I was looking for a place to work and the light in my usual spot is broken.” Niki yawns.
“Working hard, I see.” Heesung laughs and Niki laughs back, but it’s almost as tight as the knot in his chest.
“I must have fallen asleep. What are you looking for?”
“My phone charger. I can’t figure out where I left it so I’m retracing my steps.” Heesung continues looking and finally finds it underneath the coffee table in the middle of the room. “Maybe you’re not sleeping enough at night if you’re falling asleep during the day. Get your rest, Niki-yah.” Heesung suggests, nothing but fondness in his voice.
“I’m sleeping fine.” The maknae mumbles.
“No talking back to hyungs, take my advice.” Heesung has a joking tone in his voice, but Niki deflates all the same. Because that’s his role. Be the maknae. Listen to your hyungs. You don’t have any friends.
Niki clears his throat. “What time is it?”
“Late. You should go home and sleep, we have early schedules for the rest of the week.”
“Oh, I’ll leave with you then.” Niki replies as he gathers his stuff to pack away, trying not to think about how no one came to check on him. If Heesung hadn’t forgotten his charger then he might’ve spent the night in this studio.
“I’m meeting Hoonie for a late dinner, we’re both tired and just want to eat, chill and then sleep.” Heesung has a hand on Niki’s back, lightly pushing him out of the door. “And you need to go back to sleep. Listen to hyung.”
Niki knows Heesung is just being thoughtful, but when Niki’s so confident that his only position in the band is to be the maknae that has to respect everyone else whilst they have genuine friendships, he can’t be blamed for feeling down and depressed when they remind him of it.
When Niki walks into their dorm, he’s met with an empty apartment. Everyone’s out at dinner he guesses. Niki doesn’t cry this time. He goes straight to bed. He’s going to accept his fate.
To be the maknae.
🎤🎤🎤
“Niki, I told you to wash up after yourself.” Jay sighs when Niki walks into the kitchen the next morning. Niki knows none of the dishes in the sink are his, but maknaes don’t talk back to their hyungs.
“On it, hyung.” He replies and starts to clean up.
How To Be A Good Maknae:
- Clean up after everyone.
Dance practices were beginning to bring nothing but stress and tiredness. Niki feels so relieved when they are given their 15 minute break and rises from the floor to sit on the bench.
“Niki-yah, if you’re getting yourself water, you could get some for the rest of us, too.” Jay says, lying on the floor. Niki nods and takes everyone’s water bottles to refill them down the corridor.
- Make sure you get things for your hyungs. e.g. snacks and water.
After three full days of dance practice, after dance practice, after dance practice, Niki’s pretty sure his bones are tired. He can feel exhaustion in every muscle he tries to move.
“My neck is absolutely killing me.” Sunoo whines from the other couch. “Niki, please help me, massage my neck, pretty please!”
Niki smiles at his hyung’s exaggerated pout, but remains where he is. “I will later, hyung. It’s just that I’m-”
“Oh Niki, please. You’re literally doing nothing and a hyung is tired and in pain, just for once be a good maknae?” Sunoo sighs and Niki can feel every muscle in his body tense. He forces his aching self to his feet, ignoring the protests his muscles give and walks behind Sunoo to massage his neck.
- Help your hyungs with anything when they’re tired.
He’s the maknae, not their friend. He needs to accept his place. He should anticipate their needs. One day, they might want to be his friend. Niki pushes his emotions to the side and tries not to focus on his need for friendship; that isn’t his role. Instead, he focuses on doing what’s right.
Heesung and Sunghoon let the stress of a comeback get to them in ways people might not realise. They get emotional. Emotional and nostalgic. Niki spends multiple times a day listening to them talk about the pressure of upholding such high standards as the group rises in popularity around the world. Niki sits as they start to well up at the prospect of not being as good as their BTS and TXT hyungs. He’s their shoulder to cry on. He hears all of their problems out and gives as much advice as his younger years permit and when he can’t, he just listens and lets them rant. They say thank you each time for hearing them out and then they sit quietly and wait for him to leave.
Niki deals with his own insecurities and worries in the midst of a comeback too, but it’s okay. It’s not about him.
🎤🎤🎤
Jay and Jake are notorious for forgetting to eat. It was ironic considering they are known for their love of food, but when comeback preparations get intense, both members have a serious lapse in judgement. Jay gets far too interested in the choreography and what he’s doing wrong to remember what time of the day it is. Niki wishes he could work that hard.
Jake is similar. He likes to make sure he hits all the right notes when he’s singing. Niki knows that ever since I-LAND, Jake feels like he has to prove himself because he doesn’t want to be the weak link. Niki looks up to his Jake hyung so much that he can’t understand this way of thinking.
Niki walks toward the group’s main studio and immediately hears Jake’s angelic voice as he creaks the door open. Jake is sitting on the couch singing his heart out. Niki lightly taps him on the shoulder before placing down the food he’s bought for him from the café he loves.
“Is it really dinner time already?” Jake asks in disbelief, making his way to the table to eat.
“Yeah, I’ll come and remind you when it starts to get late.” Niki smiles as he walks out of the room. Jake never invites Niki to stay and eat with him, it probably doesn’t even cross his mind that his maknae is paying for it every day, but Niki doesn’t mind. It isn’t about him.
Niki might not have the bond that Sunoo and Jungwon share, but he still knows them very well. They both react to stress by not being able to sleep, and with comeback preparations taking its toll on everyone, Niki knew they’d be up in the dead of the night.
He walks into the main bedroom, figuring they’d both crashed in one of their beds. He’s right, they’re both on the bed, Jungwon curled up facing the door and Sunoo curled up facing the wall, the opposite way. Niki can tell neither are asleep just from their breathing, so he brings in his white noise machine. Everyone had been jealous when his parents had sent him one. As he plugs it in he can hear the duvet rustle and his hyungs sit up in the bed.
“Oh Riki, thank you.” Sunoo beams as Niki places a thin book on each of his hyung’s laps.
“They’re easy stories to read, but really interesting. They should help you fall asleep.” Niki smiles and slowly walks out of the room before they can thank him.
He finds it harder to sleep as the days get stressful, too, but this isn’t about him.
You’re the maknae, not their friend.
Do what you’re told.
Accept your place.
Anticipate their needs.
🎤🎤🎤
And that becomes Niki’s daily routine.
He wakes up and makes sure everything is clean. He makes sure his hyungs all eat their breakfast. They go to the studio and do their own preparation. Niki uses his breaks to check on Heesung and Sunghoon, and make sure they’re on track and not getting lost in their stress. He hopes they notice how frazzled and exhausted he is and ask him to talk, but they never do.
Then he goes back to his vocal and dance lessons and then it’s lunch time. Jay and Jake go to lunch together to unwind. Sunoo and Jungwon sit in an empty studio and eat on the floor together playing video games to unwind. Niki goes to the restaurant down the road and buys food for Jay, Jake, and himself. He hopes and prays that they realise he has extra food with him. He hopes they invite him to eat with them since he buys their food for them, but they never do. They get into their own conversation and he feels shut out.
Niki eats his food alone in the practice room with the broken light every day.
Then it’s back to training all day and another session of checking in on Heesung and Sunghoon. They never ask him to talk. Then Sunoo, Heesung, Jungwon and Sunghoon go home. Niki stays in his studio and then buys dinner for Jay and Jake at 8pm. At 11pm, he tells them it’s time to go and they all ride in the silent van home.
When Niki gets back to the dorm, he goes into his room and finds two more books to give to Jungwon and Sunoo. Apparently, the books and the white noise machine are doing wonders for their sleep. They say good night and wait for Niki to leave the room before turning on the machine and reading their books. It doesn’t seem to matter to them that Niki has given them the thing his parents had gotten him to help his awful sleep schedule; or the fact that he was always awake to give them books. They don’t ever offer him room in the bed. They never offer him his machine back.
And if Niki ended his routine by crawling into bed and crying himself to sleep, then no one else has to know.
Jay & Jake need food reminders and when to go home.
Jungwon & Sunoo need help sleeping
Heesung & Sunghoon need emotional support
🎤🎤🎤
Comeback preparations take a long time; from photoshoots, to video shoots, to rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing. Niki’s been running himself exhausted taking care of his hyungs for weeks now. It’s definitely starting to show. His muscles are aching every single second of every single day. He had a constant headache that wouldn’t disappear no matter how much water he was drinking and his mental health isn’t any better.
Over the next few weeks, he had fully convinced himself that he is worthless. He’s not sure how everything spiralled out of control, but the feeling was rooted in his mind. His reason for being in Enhypen was for the other members’ sake. He didn’t feel like his own person, and he laughs when he remembers how he used to think they were his friends. They’re his hyungs.
What Niki doesn’t see is the concerned looks he gets from the staff. He doesn’t notice the hushed conversations about him from producers and makeup artists. Niki is completely oblivious to how often the stylists ask him if he’s okay. Maybe if he had stopped thinking about his hyungs’ needs and wondered why the staff were so concentrated on him, it wouldn’t have been a surprise as the floor was suddenly reaching his face.
Niki hits the floor, hard, in the middle of dance rehearsals for their title track. His vision had gone blurry as his head began to spin and he was suddenly lying on his side, eyes trying to squint open at the lights in the studio. Niki feels his body shutting down as he lies on the floor, not moving. His muscles are forced to relax, exhaustion finally catching up with him.
He wants to succumb to sleep and just nap on the floor. It’s not until hands are jostling him and voices are yelling in his ear that he realises he isn’t allowed to fall into the arms of sleep that he’s missed so much. He groans as he opens his eyes. His hyungs are sitting around him, concern dripping from their faces. Niki wants to scoff. Why do they suddenly care about him now? But he also feels a slight bit of hope. Maybe all his hard work paid off.
“Riki? Hey, can you hear me?” Jungwon asks with his hand lightly touching the maknae’s shoulder. Niki nods with a wince. He lets Sunghoon and Jake help sit him up against the wall and Heesung comes over with his water bottle, urging him to take a big drink. He finishes the water bottle and then Sunoo and Jake are helping him stand as the company first aider comes in, led by Jay.
The check up is quick and almost two minutes later, the first aider is finished. “No concussion, but you are extremely exhausted and sore. Anyone can see that. You need rest. Lots of it. Also take painkillers for that headache I know you’ve been sporting for a while, and take salt baths for your muscles. I know you and your hyungs all have the cream to help ease muscle pain anyway, so add that, too. Go on and rest.” The first aider smiles gently at Niki, she’s used to dealing with the other two groups over the years, so she isn’t surprised that the Enhypen boys are following along with them. However, Niki frowns from where he’s now perched on a bench. How did she know so much about how he felt?
She seems to pick up on his confusion, because she then explains. “Your staff have been coming to me a lot recently and they wanted me to keep an eye on you. I thought one of your members would come to me before it got serious. I’m sorry.” She replies and Niki bites his lip, sneaking a glance at his members. They all look guilty ? But that’s probably Niki’s imagination.
“Are you okay?” Jake asks, his voice is unsure and Niki feels like he needs to remedy it right away. But with Sunoo’s tight grip on his hand he’s not going anywhere. “You’re not okay. And we didn’t know.” Jake whispers, answering his own question. Niki goes to respond, to reassure them he’s okay because it’s not their job to worry about him, but he’s interrupted by his manager.
“Niki, are you okay?” He asks, and Niki nods rapidly in response. “Right. Everyone in my office. Now.”
All the members stay silent at the authoritative voice and opt to simply follow their manager. Jay wraps Niki’s arm around his shoulders and holds him around the waist as they walk to the office. He wants to protest, but Niki isn’t sure he could make it there without any assistance. There’s only one spare chair in the office and the hyungs make sure Niki gets the seat.
“I’m going to be brief because you all need to talk this out between yourselves. Why on earth is it that the staff noticed that something was wrong with Niki before you guys did? It’s beyond my comprehension. Not only should his members be checking on him like he does with everyone else, but he should be checking in on himself, too. There was a terrible lapse of judgement on everyone’s part and nobody, but me, will leave this room until you all understand what happened and why this will never happen again.” And with that the manager leaves the members alone.
It’s tense and silent as the door shuts. The hyungs are clearly trying to understand the situation, but Niki just feels like a failure. He didn’t do enough. They don’t care that he’s hurting, that’s not his position. What even is his position again?
“But- But I didn’t do anything wrong. I followed everything.” Niki mutters to himself, half to his hyungs but mostly to himself.
“Followed what?” Heesung asks as he crouches in front of Niki.
Niki shrinks with all eyes on him. He’s not used to getting attention. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper. He flattens it out and stares at it, reading it over and over again. “I don’t get it.” Niki whispers.
It’s Jay who carefully takes the paper from his hands and looks it over. Niki doesn’t expect Jay to whisper out. “Fuck,” as he reads it. He doesn’t expect his hyungs to crowd over his shoulder to read it only to turn back to him with tears in their eyes.
How To Be A Good Maknae:
- Clean up after everyone.
- Make sure you get things for your hyungs. e.g. snacks and water.
- Help your hyungs with anything when they’re tired.
You’re the maknae, not their friend.
Do what you’re told.
Accept your place.
Anticipate their needs.
Jay & Jake need food reminders and when to go home. (They don’t want you with them. Eat alone.)
Jungwon & Sunoo need help sleeping. (They won’t want you with them, find other ways to sleep.)
Heesung & Sunghoon need emotional support. (Don’t expect support back.)
One day they might want to be your friend.
“You don’t really believe this, do you? This isn’t really what’s been going through your mind for months is it?” Sunoo asks, eyes frantically searching Niki’s as he crouches in front of him. Niki’s confused face only helps to worry Sunoo even more.
“Hey, look at me Niki-yah.” Sunghoon crouches next to Sunoo and cups Niki’s face. “You can be our maknae and our friend at the same time. You understand that, right?”
Niki furrows his brows, confusion deepening, “I know that, hyung.” Niki replies and all his hyung release a collective breath. “And one day I’ll be both. I’ll make you like me, I promise!” Niki pleads, eyes glistening with tears. Jake’s eyes also fill with tears as he pulls Niki in for a hug.
“No. Riki, no.” Jay starts, but Niki’s really crying now. “You’re already there. We already like you. You’re our friend. You’re one of our best friends, Riki.”
Niki pulls away to look into his hyung’s eyes with his eyebrows furrowed even more and his lip truly bitten. “I- What? No. No I’m not and it’s fine. I’m okay with where I stand.” Niki argues. He just doesn’t understand.
“Niki-yah. Listen to me. Everything you’ve noted is bullshit.” Jay starts, “You’re the maknae in age, and that’s it. You’re our equal, do you understand? You’re our friend and band member and we love you like that. We love you because you’re a friend.”
Niki’s tears fall again as he hears his final goal finally come to fruition, as he lets himself believe that, but it stops himself. “Why is everything so different for me, then?”
“What?” Jungwon asks, his own tears threatening to fall, a state everyone else seems to be in.
“I- I’m always- Why am I always left alone?” Niki’s voice cracks and he hides his head in his hands. He doesn’t see his hyungs exchange worried glances, all of them terrified about the extent of Niki’s mindset.
It’s Jungwon, who has been staring at the note the whole time that speaks up. “The things he’s written aren’t bullshit. It’s not.”
“What?” Heesung replies.
“It’s all true. The parts about what he does for us and the little reminders to not expect anything in return. The little reminders that he doesn’t get any friendship reciprocated from us. It’s fucking true! Sunoo hyung and I use his white noise machine and he gives us books every night and what do we do? Say thanks and wait for him to leave so we can read and sleep. He got that machine from his parents. They sent it to him, from Japan, because he was having sleeping problems and we didn’t even think to invite him to lie in my bed. What the fuck? Niki-yah, I’m so sorry we took you for granted.” Jungwon cries, openly sobbing as he sits on the floor by Niki’s chair and takes his hand. “Fuck, have you even been sleeping? How the fuck have you been getting to sleep?”
Niki sits there nervously, not wanting this attention. How does he tell them how he gets through each day? It ruins everything he’s worked for.
“Riki?” Sunoo asks, tears cascading.
“I don’t really sleep that much. Um, crying usually. That’s always knocked me out.” Niki replies with his eyes glued to the floor and Sunghoon has to rush to Jungwon to hug him as a loud sob rips from him.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please don’t be sad. Don’t be mad at me, I’m sorry. I-” Sunoo engulfs Niki in a hug, effectively cutting him off.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. No one’s mad at you. We’re mad at ourselves. We’re so, so sorry Riki-yah. We never meant to make you feel so inadequate or so apart from us.”
Niki tries to believe them. He lets the small slither of hope erupt inside him.
“We really gave you no support.” Sunghoon breathes, taking a crouching position in front of Niki. “You listened to our stresses and issues every day for weeks on end, the same problems over and over again and offered us new advice every time, and we- We did nothing for you.” Sunghoon realises. His tears start to flow at full force.
“Niki, you know you can come to us, right? We’ll listen to every problem you have thousands of times over until it’s not a problem anymore. We were selfish and wrapped up in ourselves. We didn’t- God, we didn’t realise any of this was going on. We’re so sorry.” Heesung finishes and Niki is pulled into a hug by both of the hyungs in front of him.
“Tell me you understand. Tell me you know we’ll be here for you and that we love you just as much as we love every member.” Sunghoon adds on and Niki swallows thickly before nodding. He’s not really sure if he believes it.
But he can try.
“You spent all that money on us. Every day without fail. You cared so much about us that you bought us food. You never forgot. Not even once. And you forced us home every night. Niki, we’ll spend every day making it up to you.” Jake puts his hand on Niki’s shoulder to make sure he’s listening and Niki nods.
“It’s not that big a deal hyung. I just knew you needed it.” The maknae responds.
“And what did you need, Niki-ah? A friend. That’s it. You needed someone to eat lunch with. We were right there and we didn’t even offer you any of the food you bought. How fucking rude of us. We’re so sorry. I can’t express how awful we all feel. You cared so much for us and did it without a single complaint or expectation because you didn’t think you deserved it and it blows my fucking mind because you deserve the world. You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.” Jay finishes and pulls Niki into the tightest hug he could.
“We love you so, so much.” Jay keeps hugging him until Niki pulls away.
“I don’t- I don’t understand.” He says.
“It’s okay. Take your time.” Sunoo sends a small smile Niki’s way and he’s met with a grin back.
“We all got too caught up in comeback preparations that we completely neglected you. We’re so sorry.” Jungwon adds on, but Niki shakes his head.
“It wasn't that though.” Niki says finally, not understanding why his hyungs don’t get it. “It’s just that you all have a best friend in the group. Jay hyung and Jake hyung were both born in the same year, and they both come from English-speaking countries. Heesung hyung and Sunghoon hyung have been close ever since I-LAND, and Sunghoon hyung is always clinging to hyung anyway; and Jungwon hyung and Sunoo hyung are actually only a few months apart. You all naturally navigate to your friend whilst being the maknae is all I have. So I have to be a good maknae by doing everything in my notes in order to finally be a friend to you all.”
Nobody says anything for a while, they just sit and realise what they’ve been doing. It’s never been conscious. They didn’t leave Niki out on purpose. Everything seems pretty solid in his head and now they have to get him to believe in their friendship.
“I didn’t even realise.” Sunghoon murmurs, “God- Niki. We fucked up. We left you out and we shouldn’t have but this whole maknae ideology you’ve got is so wrong. It’s so fucking wrong. You don’t have to do anything for us at all and I think it's our turn to treat you and be there for you, just as friends are supposed to. You’re our friend.”
“Really?” Niki’s voice is so quiet, as if he’s scared to believe that they can actually be friends.
“Please believe us. We love you so much. You ran yourself into the ground for us and you shouldn’t have had to. ‘Close enough’ or not, you’re one of my best friends in the whole universe.” Jay says as he ruffles Niki’s hair affectionately.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to have a friend, and to be liked. I just didn't think I deserved it from you all yet.” Niki confesses, eyes hopeful.
“You’ve always deserved it, we’re just dumbasses.” Sunoo adds in. “How are you feeling?”
Niki has almost forgotten about his fall, but the second his hyung reminds, him he feels everything at once; the pain, the soreness, and the dizziness. He closes his eyes to stop the headache but it persists and he supposes he should take the first aider’s advice and take painkillers.
“Let’s get you home.” Jake smiles, helping Niki up and onto Heesung’s back for a piggy back.
“I can walk.” Niki insists, although he’s not actually sure he can.
“Oh, hush. Friends carry friends home after they pass out. Let us take care of you.” Heesung counters, and take care of him they do.
🎤🎤🎤
Things get better slowly.
Niki finds it hard to break out of his routine of helping them, but the hyungs adapt. Jungwon and Sunoo make sure Niki has his machine with him, and if he tries to make them use it inside, they force him to sleep in the bed with them. A request Niki always fails to turn down.
When he tries to lend a helping ear and shoulder to Sunghoon and Heesung they spend the whole time reminding Niki that he is their friend. Niki ends up opening up to them about not having people outside of the group and how scary it was to think he didn’t really have his hyungs as friends. As they start to understand his thought process, they can figure out how to alter it and change his view of himself.
Jay and Jake end up buying food earlier than when Niki would. They go to their group studio to eat with him, making sure Niki’s never alone to eat and won’t be buying them meals anymore.
The company also insists on a proper counsellor for Niki to work through his feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Despite being nervous about it at first, Jungwon convinces him it could be a good thing and getting past this bump in the road will only improve his life and relationship with his hyungs.
Niki really does start to believe that he has six friends as well as hyungs.