Chapter Text
I'm not wanted.
It's a sudden thought, not really as painful as it should be, and rather, the child welcomes the clarity. Somehow knowing hurts less then not knowing. He doesn't bother to mention it to the adults. They will all say the same thing, that he is wanted. But if that's the case, then why is he back here again?
He knows the reason he was first brought here wasn't his fault. He doesnt understand the exact phrases or meanings, but Mathew understands enough to know that the people who used to hold him close are gone. He doesn't really miss them, not like everyone thinks he should. He's just old enough to realize this is bad,though he isn't sure why. He's smart enough to know to hide it.
Instead there's someone Mathew misses more. Ever since the first time he came to this place time seems warped and wrong, and Mathew doesn't remember when he last saw Alfred. He hadn't thought much of it when his brother was taken somewhere separate. He'd assumed he'd see him again soon. But Alfred never came back. Finally, Mathew asks them about Alfred. He wants to see him. Then, his heart breaks.
They tell him Alfred is gone and Mathew cant see him anymore. Mathew knows what that means. He doesn't know how, or why, all he knows is he's lost his other half. That's when Mathew feels something break inside, and it turns sharp and jagged. For the first time, Mathew cries alone. Its not silent tears, or broken sobs, or even howls, but closer to a wordless shriek. Mathew never screams. He doesn't need to, and Mathew knows that screaming only brings pain. But this time, Mathew thinks he doesn't care what will happen next, because the thing in his chest is hard and stabbing and all Mathew can do is scream until it stops hurting.
But it doesn't stop hurting. Even after Mathew nearly passes out from lack of air, his throat goes dry and raw and his head pounds with the force of his screams, the pain doesn't go away, and even as his his chest heaves for breath and the tears turn into muffled sobs, the pain doesn't go away. Mathew learns to stop crying even if the pain doesn't go away. He doesn't ask about Alfred again. He tries to ignore the pain.