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“Severus!”
You dropped to the floor next to your lover as you yelled for him. Harry scrambled out of your way, pushing himself off the floor while gripping a small flask within his hand. Ron trailed in shortly after you, taking in the sight in front of him with a heavy heart. The silence that took over the room was suffocating, but it only lasted for a few seconds before you started crying.
Horrible, noisy sobs wracked your body as you gripped onto Severus. You were too late, he was already gone.
You remain unmoving even as your knees dig uncomfortably into the splintered floorboards. Your grip on Severus’ hands never wavered; you could still feel the warmth of his palms and the softness of his fingers and you wanted to hold onto that for as long as possible. His beautiful black eyes bore into yours, too empty and dull for your liking. Even so, you couldn’t bring yourself to look anywhere except those still, dark eyes.
The blood that coated his neck, clothes, and hands now covered your own hands. The beautiful onyx ring on your finger was dulled by the red substance, a grim reminder of his gruesome and tragic downfall. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you lamented. He was supposed to return to you after the war. He was supposed to hold you close and reassure you that the fighting was over, that he could be at peace and you could join him for the rest of his life. He was supposed to marry you with a lovely ring and a fancy suit and slicked back hair.
Hermione wanted to say something to comfort you, but her words died on her tongue. She felt it better to leave you alone and let you say your goodbyes in peace. The last thing you needed was to hear the condolences of the three students the professor hated the most.
You wouldn’t have been able to make out her words over the sounds of your own choked sobs and rapidly beating heart, anyway.
She ushered Harry and Ron out after the former exchanged a few words about where he was going and where the two of them should go. Their retreating footsteps went unnoticed by you.
You didn’t cry much around Severus, but the few times you let tears slip, he was quick to comfort you. He’d wipe your tears, hold you close, and do any little thing to make you smile again. A side of him that his students, fellow professors, and especially fellow Death Eaters never saw. You so desperately wish for that contact, for those words of comfort that will never come. That you’ll never be able to have again.
It was then that it dawned on you that you never got to say a real goodbye. Your parting words before the war were barely that, just vague hopes of seeing each other again soon. You choked at that realization, another loud sob wracking your body as you continued to cry.
You slowly let go of Severus’ hand and laid it atop his stomach. Reaching up to his cheek, you gently placed your hand on his skin. It, too, still felt warm. If you closed your eyes, you could pretend he was still alive. You could say that you were sorry, you could say goodbye.
So you do just that. Your eyes flutter close and you take a moment to control your breathing and quiet your sobs so you could speak.
“I love you, Sev.” You started, your voice coming out as shaky as your body. The war continued to rage outside over your words, but you managed to drown it out for the time being. You needed to do this.
“I always will, even now that you’re gone, I won’t stop loving you.”
You sniffed, your heart clenching at your next words, “I finally understand now what you felt for her.”
The topic of Lily Evans was a sore one in your relationship, but you couldn’t stop thinking about her when you found yourself truly understanding Severus in that moment. He lost someone he truly cared for and had to live with the guilt of surviving. That’s what you pinpointed the weight in your heart as- a heavy mass of guilt that you don’t think will ever dissipate.
“I’m so sorry, Severus,” tears began to form under your closed lids and slipped down your cheeks, “I wish I could have protected you.”
You pulled his hand that was still held by yours and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles. His warmth was fading now, but you refused to open your eyes, wanting to stay in your fantasy for as long as you could manage.
“Goodbye, my love.”
As the fighting continued, you knew you couldn’t stay here forever, but you didn’t want to leave him. Not yet. He didn’t deserve to be alone.
So you waited by his side until his body grew cold and you grew tired. You had cried until your eyes burned and your throat hurt, but you knew nothing could change the events that conspired.
At least, like this, you could pretend that it wasn’t the end of all things.