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Elain's first inner circle meeting was a complete failure.
At first, everything seemed normal. All together they were arguing about Koschei and other matters. Mor had just returned from Vallahan, perched on one of the armchairs in the room, with a glass of wine in her hand, with she peculiar demeanor. Amren had joined them in one of the armchairs with the puzzle she was about to complete before her. Feyre and Rhys were often on their feet, unable to stop moving, but one was leaning against the fireplace and the other against the desk. Cassian slouched in the trio of seats, grumpy, unaccompanied by Nesta, and Shadowsinger - as always - stood closest to the door.
Elain was sitting next to Mor on the other side of the couch. Her eyes were on the puzzle Amren was making, even though her ears were in the conversations between them. The painting, which will be completed soon, looked truly extraordinary. After a while, when it came to the group of three friends called the Exiles Band, Elain couldn't help the chill that was walking on her back. They believed that Lucien had not told them exactly everything. Elain looked at him with a completely unresponsive face when Rhys turned to her, who said that he prioritized the interests of Vassa and Jurian rather than the interests of the Night Palace, and even knew the important and valuable information he was hiding.
“Perhaps we should remind him that he is ambassador to our palace. Why he is here or why for whom he is tolerated.”
One eyebrow raised in response to the sentence her brother said while looking at him.
"I don't remember saying tolerate him or call him here."
Feyre interjected with great self-sacrifice and smiled.
"What we mean is he's your mate and he has the right to come and see you-"
"Don't you dare finish that damn sentence."
Out of the corner of her eye, she had seen even Amren looking up at her in surprise. Still, Elain was too angry to care.
This situation that she didn't want, that was making her sick inside, was Lucien's ticket to the Night Palace, and the damn fox was taking advantage of it. Elain stood up from her seat and looked at the two of them with a genuine expression of anger.
“It's not me who's asking you to call him or invite him to the house, it's you. Whenever I try to forget it, you immediately present it to me. Let me remind you what you really need to remember. That man betrayed me and my sisters.”
"He's my friend Elain-"
"He's a coward who can't speak to the beast that locked you in."
As Mor's breath reverberated through the quiet room, the sadness and anger in Rhys' eyes swept the room. Elain felt the presence of shadows lurking at her feet, but continued to stare at her sister's face, which lit up with surprise.
“I don't care how you see it or what you do with it. But I won't take any more of this nonsense. I'm not his property or the toy he came to see, keep that in mind.”
When she turned and headed for the door, she ignored Feyre's "I just want you to be happy." She left the room, ignoring the fact that the spy master standing by the door stepped aside and gave her way. It didn't take long for her to realize that she had to leave the house as she stepped out into the hallway. She didn't even know where to go when she left the house as she took her coat. The anger she felt as she walked out of the grounds of the River House and walked the streets of Velaris slowly gave way to sadness, she.
In everyone's eyes, she was supposed to be with Lucien. Because he was the life that the cauldron has chosen for her, the mate it has chosen, and there was no point in going against it. In time, Elain would also love Lucien and they would be happy.
What a great destiny!
Their sisters' love was fairy-tale and epic. They married two brothers who fought, struggled, and even risked death for their cause, and had a family of their own, of their choosing.
What remained to Elain was a traitor she had not chosen.
Rita's Place looked crowded even from here. Without thinking, Elain entered the place and managed to sit on one of the long bar stools, passing the tables with food, lots of chatter and laughter. She didn't find it fair that all the high fairies living in Velaris were so beautiful when the bartender who was preparing the drinks turned and smiled at her.
"How can I help you, ma'am?"
“Whichever is the hardest liquor you have, please.”
"İt's coming right away."
Elain was calmed by the calm music playing inside. After thanking the bartender for the drink set before her, she sniffed the almost water-like liqueur, then took a long gulp. She continued to drink heavily, though her face was wrinkled by the drink that burned her throat. She had barely passed her second glass when a tall and slender body sitting on the stool next to him looked at her sarcastically.
“Oh, girl! You look worse than a tired warrior fresh out of the battle of Hybern!”
Elain looked at the blonde fairy, who had almost cat eyes, with incredible eyes.
“Do you always make fun of someone you meet for the first time?”
“Usually with those who are miserable.”
A giggle that wasn't close to happiness escaped Elain's lips. “Thank you for slamming the truth in my face.”
“Whatever upsets you like that must be causing great pain. Honestly, if I had my mandolin with me, the song I would play would describe this sadness very well.”
“Are you a poet?”
"It's not a job that makes money, honey, don't get involved in this."
The man held out her hand as Elain looked at the high fairy with a hearty smile.
“Henry, and you-”
In response to the hand extended to him, she extended her hand full of scratches. “Elain.”
“Feeding a big beast? Your hands are full of scratches.” Elain smiled.
"No, I'm gardening, growing flowers."
“What a great talent! It is very difficult and arduous to keep things alive in this era. Praiseworthy!"
"Thank you. No one had ever said that before.”
"They've definitely been unfair, honey."
Henry glanced at his friends calling him from the table, then turned to Elain and smiled.
“If you want to come and listen to me, we give a concert two days a week at the royal theater and orchestra building of Velaris. I would like to see you there too.”
"Really? I will definitely visit one day.”
“You would make us very happy, Lady Elain. Goodbye until we meet again. And whatever is upsetting you, don't forget to go kick your ass."
Elain chuckled at Henry's mischievous sentence.
"I'll think about it."
***
She certainly shouldn't have had the fifth glass. A cold breeze blew over the opening of the River House, still not doing much to sober her up. While she was humming a song she didn't know where she was talking about, her foot stumbled and she fell onto the soil of her own garden. Tears were flowing from her eyes as she fell and sat up laughing as she sat down.
She was angry at everything.
She was angry at those who threw her into the cauldron against her will, angry at those who tried to kill her sisters, angry at those who killed her father, angry at the cauldron that paired her with a man she didn't want. She was angry with Lucien. She was angry with Nesta. She was also angry with those green hazel eyes that made her feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world.
She was angry with herself.
She lay down on the ground and began to cry uncontrollably. In the middle of the quiet and calm garden, she cried silently, so violently that she went into a fit of crisis, she wrapped her arms around herself, dug her nails into her skin. She was listening to her sobs only to the land she was lying on and the flowers that understood her sadness. The tears that fell to the ground calmed her as if she had thrown the poison inside her. After getting back up and getting up, she entered the house quietly and made her way to the back porch so as not to disturb anyone.
Through the lights that illuminated the stony path leading to the backyard, she saw the tall, winged body waiting in front of the porch. His blue siphons gleamed, his expressionless face staring at her. Despite the storm within her, Elain was focused on walking past him without a single expression on her face, when he called out to her in a voice so dark that it scared even the night.
"Where have you been?"
"It does not concern you."
“Feyre was worried about you.”
"If she was so curious, she'd know where I was in a second, wouldn't she?"
"You're drunk, I heard you cry."
Elain turned around and answered the Shadowsinger, who was staring at her, with genuine anger. “As I just said, it's none of your business. Now excuse me."
"Anything about you interests me."
"Is that so? In what capacity?”
“You are my High Lady's older sister, and I serve her. It's my job to protect you and Nesta-"
“Your ability to lie to everyone doesn't work for me. Tell me your real problem so I can go to sleep."
With grief and pain flickering in Azriel's eyes, Elain felt her heart sink. If that night had gone on as she truly wanted, she wouldn't have had to stand opposite each other like strangers now. In each other's arms, they could be peaceful and happy. But peace and happiness were far from Elain. Elain tossed her head back slightly as Azriel approached her and looked down at her.
“I want to apologize to you for that night. I'm sorry if I broke your heart and upset you. What I did was very wrong. And the mistake I made caused me to lose my friend.”
If Elain had not been drunk, she would not have prolonged the matter and, with her disappointment, would have forgiven the man. But, thank Gods, Elain felt too indifferent to think about what to say.
“So that was a mistake for you? Between us… feelings, is it just a mistake for you?”
"No, of course not I-"
"Then? Why do you keep saying it was a mistake? Why did you withdraw that night? You didn't even give me a goddamn reason!”
Azriel's voice faltered as Elain's voice grew louder.
“You have a mate, Elain. He was sleeping upstairs that night, and we—”
“A mate I don't want! A mate I ignored, whom I would never want to be with!”
Azriel shook his head as if he wanted to tell herself. “This doesn't change anything.”
Elain snarled in anger. “It doesn't matter what I think or what I want, does it? In any case, I am the property of that traitor in your eyes, in the eyes of all.”
"Elain-"
"Fuck off Azriel."
Elain was about to slip away when she was grabbed by the arm and leaned hard against the porch wall, and those magnificent wings flew open in anger. Elain's gruff breaths mingled between them as the spymaster's face synced with her own. His brows furrowed in response to that stern facial expression her had never seen before. This man she would see in someone else's nightmares was Elain's sweetest dream.
“I stopped because I cannot disobey Rhys' orders. I stopped because if I had kissed you that day, I didn't care no one would cared and I would have had you. I stopped because if I hadn't stopped there would have been a war between the palaces. I stopped because I was afraid that my admiration for you and my feelings for you would hurt you even if that goddamn cauldron hooked you up with another man.”
Azriel's scarred fingers were gentle as she tucked her hair that had fallen in front of her behind her ear. Elain's eyes swept over her face contorted with anger and pain.
“I am not worthy of you, Elain. You deserve better than me.”
Elain's hand reached for the injured hand that still lingered in her hair. While her hands shared the same warmth, Elain wanted to rip the regret and pain out of his eyes. She muttered softly as her thumb caressed the wounds on his hand.
"How do you know you are not good for me?"
“You... you are like the sun. You enchant every room you enter with your light. Everyone who talks to you enjoys being around you. I'm-"
“You are the source of that light you speak of.”
Elain brought her hand over Azriel's to her face and rested her palm against his cheek. As the man's eyes closed with this contact, Elain continued to speak.
“You saw me, you understand me. You continued to hold my hand patiently for each day that I swayed in the void. If I'm okay, if I don't feel like a stranger, it was all because of you. You make me feel free.”
She watched Azriel swallow. He pressed his cheek even closer to the she's palm. If he had opened his eyes at that moment, he would have seen the resentment, longing, and pain in Elain's eyes.
“You broke my heart so badly.” Elain pleaded quietly.
“I will let you pierce the truth-teller into my heart if it will make you forgive me.” Azriel whispered helplessly.
Elain's eyes closed with need as their foreheads met. She felt his hands on her slender waist. Elain felt tears welling up her cheeks as her free hand rested on his hard chest. While those sinful lips that she wanted to worship for nights were drying the tears on her cheeks by kissing them, her own hands clung to his neck as if she never wanted to let them go.
From that moment on, neither Elain nor Azriel needed words. They didn't need words when they got along anyway. The way the Shadowsinger adored and apologetically kissed every inch of his face, and the Seer's hands around his neck as if to calm him down, were proof that all words that could be said at that moment were insufficient. The two helpless souls on tightly, not wanting to let go of each other.