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"I don't trust you," those hurtful words spilled from her dry mouth, factual and without emotions. Gihun smiled helplessly.
He said, "We're here for you, okay? Just come to us and we'll protect you."
We'll protect you. Those words were once spoken by Saebyeok and her mother to Cheol but they were full of utter lies. There was no we, only I. Only she protected Cheol, not her mother, not the poor woman who was left on the dictating island and possibly facing a gruelling prison sentence, perhaps even painful death.
Yet that night, she unwillingly found herself sneaking over to their side, found herself sweaty with pale lips from fright as she hid behing Gihun's body, heart pumping from the mayhem and the corpses that fell over like dominoes.
"She's on our side," he asserted with a guarded arm around her. Sangwoo looked at them with hidden contempt in his eyes, barely there but it shone through enough for Saebyeok to curl her chapped lips in deprecation. Her brother would never get along with what he calls a bully like Sangwoo. He would despise the man.
Cheol would have loved Gihun, though, the righteous, self-sacrificing, naive fool of a man. Gihun, who trusted the snake in their group and who puts people before himself. Gihun, who despite being put through her harsh words and insensitive, ill-timed pickpocketing, never backed away from her defense. He lent her a hand she was tempted to scratch and dig her nails into but he never flinched away; even forgave her for her theft.
Once was an accident and twice is a coincidence, is what they say, but her pickpocketing definitely wasn't either of it and therefore a pattern of hers. Knowing that, he still forgave her, what a fool, wasn't he? What if she stole from him again? What a fool she was too, for seeking shelter from the naive, foolish man.
Sometimes, she imagines a loving light in his eyes, maybe the love one feels for a pet, or a beloved trinket— dare she think, an elder brother or a father. That would be a miracle, a gift for a streetrat like her but even then, she often thinks of those exhausted arms around her, squeezing tightly like her mother before they fled and maybe he'll even kiss her forehead like her mother did.
Was it wrong to keep it hidden away like a dark and shameful secret? To treat it that way?
Soon, her thoughts for loving touches attached itself onto a girl, around her same age, similar to Gihun in that despite Saebyeok's cold avoidance, if that even could be called that since it was more of a fear of abandonment, stuck to her like a leech.
Everything about her was warm: her gaze, her smile, her fingers, her voice, her everything. Warmer than Saebyeok's mother, warmer than Gihun's tentative hug that night when she caved into her instincts to be protected like never before, warmer than the cuddles Cheol demanded nearly everyday...
And the girl, Jiyeong, keeps her caresses filled with love and trust.
The only person who had touched her like that could be counted on one hand: Cheol, Gihun and her mother and now? Now, there was a sunshine willing to light up her days, forever, as if she wasn't stuck with someone as unloved and lonely like Saebyeok.
Loneliness wasn't something Saebyeok was unfamiliar with, it clung to her like greasy oil that even her brother couldn't wipe off.
She had North Korea to blame for that, for dumping a pail full of used oil on her, as well a murky pool worth of trust issues that somehow, she doesn't know how, wasn't as persistent as Saebyeok had thought.
On the day she was served with Gihun's crinkling, gleeful eyes and Jiyeong's bright smile after they they succesfully made it alive through the inhumane games, she tried to quirk her lips to a similar smile but to her shame, failed. If a smile wasn't even in the realm of what she could do, how could she expect to satisfy Jiyeong like any partner should?
But Jiyeong, smart, intuitive and gentle, soon caught up with her turbulent thoughts one evening where she stood woodenly and watched her brother play with his friends, lips twitching every now and then in a poor imitation of that so sought after lively smile that everyone passed by her wore.
Immediately on her tiptoes, Jiyeong placed her warm hands on Saebyeok's shoulders and graced both her cheeks with chaste kisses. And then with a soft smile, different from her cheerful ones, pecked her lips and said without inflection or mock, "You're so pretty, Saebyeok."
Stunned at the compliment that though was given so many times before it changed into an unusual implication then and there, Saebyeok let Jiyeong pepper her face with kisses she didn't think she'd be craving for more, that sweet, innocent and loving indulgence that Jiyeong so eagerly gives away to Saebyeok without an ounce of hesitation made her heart swell.
Then Gihun came, baring pastries and cakes on the weekend with an overly-excited Cheol jumping up and down in cheer at the man's procured gifts whilst Jiyeong greeted him with a warm hug. Saebyeok chided her brother gruffly but it didn't put a damper on his mood, rather, he got more rambunctious like children get when they disobey adults.
Maybe, just maybe, she was deserving of love as much as her family did.