Work Text:
“Linhardt, did the Prime Minister send a letter?” Edelgard hunched over Linhardt’s desk, who in his turn nested himself in the corner of his chair even further and opened his desk drawer.
“Not that I’m aware of.” Lin assessed after finding an empty drawer in front of him, which to him was a sign to finally doze off in his chair. Being Edelgard’s personal secretary was a hard job, now that he found out she actually had ambitions, even after the multiple wars behind her, but that didn’t stop him from living his dream of doing as little as possible.
Edelgard let go of the desk with a gentle pat on the wood. “Fuck, he’s distancing himself from me, like I’m venomous or something. It’s been three months and nothing.”
“Poisonous, ma’am.”
Edelgard turned around with raised eyebrows.
“Venomous animals bite or sting their prey.” Hubert corrected, lifting a finger from the dossier he was reading through.
“Well, I *am* that pissed, Hubert.” Edelgard said as she slammed her hands on the desk in an attempt to wake Lin. “So…none of you know anything of what our horse whisperer is doing in that little castle of his? You’re telling me, we’re running a sock puppet government that is totally disconnected from the sockpuppet whose arse we should be in?” Edelgard tried to catch a breath in her exasperation, and gestured for a bottle of water in between the gestures that implied something more obscene.
“NONE OF YOU?” Edelgard accentuated her emotions into a tinge of rage, accentuated in turn with a percussive beat on the nearest piece of furniture. Caspar, Edelgard’s aide-de-camp turned personal aide slash bodyguard slash hype man, quickly handed her a bottle of water, of which the Emperor took a few endearing but most definitely dominant sips.
Fódlan’s political landscape changed a lot after the war. The Black Eagle Strike Force, victorious in both the Fódlan Unification War and the Shadow War, had assumed complete control of the continent. With the revolution based on democratic values and the rapid erosion of class society, voices soon clamored for elections. Edelgard, reluctant to give up control to people “that didn’t bother a single axe into the prefrontal cortex of an immortal pope”, installed a government of Fódlan’s brightest minds. Coincidentally helmed by Edelgard’s left hand man and scion to the previous Prime Minister, Ferdinand von Aegir.
The real government, she assured herself, would be in the competent hands of members of the Black Eagle Strike Force itself. Sadly, the fighting prowess of most of Edelgard’s prime generals did not translate to political prowess, and even Senior Strategist Hubert could hardly adapt to a strategizing style with a minimum amount of casualties.
“Ma’am…. Lorenz, the err - Minister of Household Affairs is planning to make a statement.” Dorothea entered the room with the exact energy of a burned-out kindergarten teacher, oblivious of the situation.
“With that haircut, he always kinda is, isn’t he?” Caspar broke the tension in the room, completely unwittingly. Edelgard scrunched her nose in a gleeful giggle. “Yeah, yeah like the…eggplant hair..” barely being able to finish her sentence as her interest in the joke dwindled and her nerves took over.
Dorothea barely looked up from the perpetual stack of documents in her hands, which she somehow had buried herself in again after making the announcement. “Ah yeah, good one.” she chuckled sarcastically.
“Did he…say anything about what the statement’s going to be about?” Edelgard slightly nodded her head, shaking off the newest nervous twitch coming up.
“Err, yes. He will be addressing the nation on the state of democracy.” Dorothea replied. “Which is weird, because we basically have none.” she snided
“And so the periwinkle plug-and-play wants to play ball.” Hubert remarked with his own, more biting snide.
El snapped her fingers nervously “Call him in.” Edelgard sighed. “Get that libertine aubergine in here.” she wildly gestured. “See if he’s more capable of playing Where is Baldo than this top tier team.” Her statement came to a close with more focus, aimed at her closest associates. Caspar quickly joined in on the passionate finger snapping, absorbing the energy of the Emperor.
Dorothea gulped. “He’s already on his way.” she said, sucking her teeth. “He insisted.”
“And you only told the Emperor now? There better be a dehydrated courier gasping for air on the stairs right now.” Hubert’s ice cold attitude turned heated when it concerned matters personal to El.
“Don’t worry, Hubie, I saw a dead bird for you to deliver to Edie at her doorstep.” she said, unfazed by the neutered right-hand threat.
Edelgard herself gave one last resounding sigh in preparation of the audience . “Sometimes I wish we kept the ballistas.” she said, sulking out of her war room office and to the entrance hall of her Enbarr residence.
“Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, the adept of the Alliance! To what do I owe you the pleasure to welcome you here?” Edelgard tried her darnedest to come over as insincerely sincere as possible.
“Ahaha” Lorenz chuckled, immediately aware of the power play chosen by Edelgard. “Ever the efficient Emperor you are, von Hresvelg. But please, let’s save business for when we’re settled.” he politely replied, briskly pacing through the palace hallways with his small, but strategically present entourage.
Edelgard, noticeably trying to match the pace of the beanstalk minister, chatted along, unsubtly ordering her own troupe to walk along with her. “Well, I guess I like my political conversations like my tea. Before they go cold.” she responded with a charming, but alarmingly psychopathic head tilt and matching smile.
This is what Hubert hated most about his relative presence in the limelight. While Caspar would legitimately chuckle at Edelgard’s quips and Dorothea could muster the acting chops to act like it, the most Hubert could bring himself to was a timed exhale through the nose.
“Well, if the promise for tea stands, then tea we shall have.” Lorenz said and nodded to his personal aide, Ignatz, who in response took out a bag with a melange of tea leaves to offer as the perfect passive-aggressive welcome gift. Edelgard, in response, sent Caspar ahead to boil the water as to look even remotely prepared for the tea-and-biscuit blitzkrieg about to be unleashed on Enbarr’s nouveau-riches.
“So, what tea do you like?” Edelgard asked to accommodate her guest, before being met with Ignatz handing her the tea melange with an unassuming, but telling smile.
Back at the Emperor’s office quarters, the group settled to discuss matters properly.
“What lovely tea you have brought, Lorenz, ever the tastemaker.” Edelgard started off. “It’s quite the….statement.” she said, immediately hiding her face behind the final swigging of the tea as Caspar awaited to take the empty cup out of her hands.
Lorenz, meanwhile, delicately put his cup on the coffee table between the Strike Force and himself, before retreating to his own turf. “To be honest, Emperor, I am worried about the state of our democracy..” he started, before being cut off by Edelgard.
“Yes, you have made that quite clear in your little -err- save-the-date.” Edelgard took the teapot on the table and handed it to Caspar to make her a new cup.
Lorenz laughed and shook his head. “Don’t worry, I’m not here for a second revolution. I am well aware of the accomplishments of the Black Eagle Strike Force in the wars we fought….”
Edelgard’s team looked at each other in confusion at the choice of the particular pronoun.
“….and I realize that Ferdinand has been a great help, Sothis bless him, but he doesn’t have the grit to carry a nation in this brittle period….”
“Oh on that we agree.” Edelgard raised the cup Caspar handed her in a small moment of solidarity. “He doesn’t have the…”
“….which is why I will be announcing new elections.” Lorenz concluded.
“…Stamina…” Edelgard’s eyes shot open in disbelief, but couldn’t help to have those eyes reveal a glint that forecast a hearty laugh coming up. “Now look who’s ever-so-forward.” she chuckled. “The fucking eggplant making a move, what a ride.” her grin genuinely expressing admiration, although in the way one admires a teenage son growing out of their awkward phase.
“I suppose I am, ma’am.” Lorenz chuckled along, slightly losing his control of the situation along with the Emperor.
“Yeah, I’m..” Edelgard put away her tea cup and slid into a more battle-ready position, tilting her head in disbelief, her fake polite laugh subduing in favor of a condescending scoff. “pretty sure we made the constitution so we wouldn’t have that without my approval.”
Hubert nodded aggressively, but was calmed by Edelgard raising her hand.
“Of course, but how much of a savior of mankind and benevolent ruler would you be if you were to outlaw an *election* announced by the responsible Minister?” Lorenz sucked his teeth as a coda to the demeaning tone the sentence unravelled. “Constitution says no.”
“Wow, I’m very impressed.” Edelgard wanted to stand up to take on a more threatening power pose, but she knew her stature would come up short for that. “The gangly Gloucester goober finally found the big boy pants, asking mommy to adjust the seams. What exactly tells you that I won’t have you axed for treason? Or fired?” Edelgard picked up her cup once again, just to playfully sip from it.
“Because you know I’m right.” Lorenz replied curtly. “Ferdinand is not your vision for Fódlan. He’s too soft, too unwilling to make changes for the better of the continent. Plus, I know he’s bailing on you. You’re losing control.” Lorenz simply replied. “Elections are the solution, granting someone like me and therefore you the mandate to implement the measures that truly drive Fódlan forward. Ferdinand represents stasis at best, your decline at worst. Can’t back the same horse forever, especially if the horse is unresponsive.”
“You want me to back you instead of Ferdinand.” Edelgard summarized. “In the upcoming election you want me to sanction.”
The Black Eagle Strike force couldn’t help but show their surprise and disgust at the proposal by mouthing, gesturing and glancing insecurely to each other how their minds were blown. Lorenz’ core team reacted to the pantomime with a subdued surprise, but carried on with their duties otherwise. Especially Lorenz, who would not let himself be inhibited by the absurd reactions.
“Well, I was hoping I wouldn’t need to be selfish, but yes, in this situation I am the best choice. In your cabinet, most ministers were blatantly picked to soothe the old nobility. Acheron, Rodrigue, Aelfric.” Lorenz gestured in wild air, rambling on, his face turning more sour with every old geezer he mentioned. “You concentrated most of your inner circle in your personal aide team, so I’m the only current cabinet member willing to…uphold the arrangement you had with Prime Minister von Aegir, that is visible and therefore popular enough to challenge Ferdinand. And so, you’re left with me.” Lorenz put his plan out on the table. “As I said, I’m simply concerned.” he said unshaken, stirring his tea.
The room fell silent, before erupting in a cacophony.
“Lady Edelgard, Ferdinand is a highly capable Prime Minister. Polling suggests he’s popular. There’s no imminent reason to respond to his threats.” Hubert intercepted the silence with his calculating assessment.
“Yeah, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Caspar mentioned. “I like Ferdinand, y’know.”
“Even if…and I mean if.. we would…” Dorothea scanned the room. “I mean….the optics are all wrong. I mean..” Dorothea scoffed. “It will be *pretty* obvious that this is an attempt at a power grab. Ferdie is well liked all-over, people like stability.” Dorothea emphasized her conclusion by counting the reasons with her fingers. “I fail to see how this does not make Lorenz appear as a backstabbing bitch. You know, in ways beside his face already evoking that feeling.” Doro stated bluntly. “Just…speaking optics here.”
Edelgard nodded at their objections, although she swiftly turned her attention to Lorenz to hear the rest of his machinations.
“That would be the case if Ferdinand were to run.” Lorenz nodded, directly acknowledging the Strike Force for the first time, leaving room at the end of his sentence to fill in the blanks with the opposite scenario.
Edelgard shook her head decisively, much to the relief of the Black Eagle Strike Force. “I can’t stop Ferdinand from running. It’s his life’s work, I-I-I mean, this is a very harsh position you’re putting me in.” Edelgard stumbled through her words. “I shouldn't, right?”
“Thank fuck.” Dorothea prayed to the sky. “Excellent decision, Lady Edelgard.” Hubert chimed in. “Yeah, you tell him, Edelgard!” Caspar rubbed her shoulders as if she just came back from a boxing match.
“But I guess I’ll have to, right?” Edelgard released herself from Caspar’s grip, leaned forward and shrugged mischievously at Lorenz, revealing a glint in her eyes. “I mean…it’s sad of course, that Ferdinand has to quit, but…if the country, y’know, demands to be taken seriously and, well, feels abandoned by the current Prime Minister. I guess there’s no other choice. We have, after all, a constitution that demands attention.” she remarked, the spark in her eyes growing, now accompanied by an overeager smile and a laissez-fuck attitude.
The Black Eagle Strike Force protested briefly, but passionately, with Edelgard being bombarded with polling numbers, optics and personal opinions, but their complaints fell short.
“Alright, then that’s settled.” Lorenz got up from his chair to shake Edelgard’s hand. “You ask Ferdinand to step down and I’ll start preparations for our new campaign.”
“No…” Edelgard got up, re-energized by the uprising of democracy, matching Lorenz in power pose despite the height difference. “No, no no, no no” she said, walking to her desk, but turned around before Hubert could properly curl his mouth corners to smile. “That’s not enough.” she said, jostling around the top secret files in her desk drawers. “Ferdinand will not back down from that.” she said, almost out of breath. “We need to bring out the big guns….Aha!” she said, excitedly showing off the paper she was looking for, and giving it the Emperor stamp of approval.
“You can tell…your potential voters….” Edelgard said, while taking a brief sprint from her desk back to the furniture “….that Ferdinand….got fired…” she said, handing the papers to Lorenz.
“Thank you, Edelgard, I will dismantle the current administration when the time is right.” Lorenz handed the papers to Lysithea and promptly left. “We’ll be in touch.”, the aide spoke on the party’s behalf and closed the door.
“So….” Hubert spoke.
“Yeah…” Caspar added.
“Well….fuck.” Dorothea concluded.
“What’s wrong?” Edelgard asked in an agitated voice. “This is objectively….” she pointed at the air, her finger showing her frustrations waiting to burst out. “objectively the best of both worlds.” Edelgard pumped her fist in excitement and frustration, exerting energy either way. “I get rid of that wishy-washy ignoramus called Ferdinand , I *win* those elections with Lorenz and I’m gonna be shooting through the hole I left in the glass ceiling back to the top.” she screamed. “It won’t even hurt, because I made that hole there in the first place.”
“And what about Ferdie?” Dorothea noted, baffled by the decision to terminate his term. “What is he supposed to do?”
“I don’t know, he can ignore me on a donkey farm instead of in the highest office of the country?” Edelgard dismissed Dorothea’s plea with a dissonant uptalk.
“You should know that the Prime Minister is fully entitled and even encouraged to distance himself from the Emperor. The constitutional relationship between Prime Minister and Emperor is one o-“
“Well, I hear your complaint Hubert..” Edelgard skulked around the office. “but according to my twat, he can go fuck off back to the backwater town he came from to have a constitutional relationship with his growing bald patch.” Edelgard got more and more curt with her staff.
“In fa-“ Hubert continued.
“Fuck off.” Edelgard replied dismissively and escorted the team out of her personal office, walking to her window to look at Enbarr’s town square. “I liked it better when it burned down.” she sighed, as Caspar closed the door behind him.
“So, how did it go?” Linhardt asked Caspar.
“She…fired Ferdinand..aaaaand…yeah that’s the story so far.” Caspar said, trying to find the angle he missed that would make this a smart idea.
“Oh, that’s probably why Ignatz left this here.” Lin said, before falling back asleep.
Hubert and Dorothea turned their head like terror owls and towered over the desk to look at the document Lin referred to.
“ANNOUNCEMENT” It read. “Prime Minister Ferdinand von Aegir to step down after termination, Vice Prime Minister Lorenz Hellman Gloucester to take over as Prime Minister until elections are announced.” Caspar read aloud.
Attached was a post-it. “*Election date tba in five years, talk to you then, xoxo lorenz” he continued.
“What?” Dorothea whispered sharply. “Can he do that?”
“The constitution gives the Vice Prime Minister full power to take over the duties of a fired Prime Minister. The -errr- postponement of the election date is then within the right of the Prime Minister.”
“Well this constitution is obviously written by a man..” Doro sighed. “It only becomes reliable when it’s out to fuck me.”
“Oh yeah…” Caspar sighed. “I forgot the Veep can do that.”
Dorothea sprung back upright. “The solution is easy, even if it is risky,” she said. “Lorenz said it himself, how benevolent can a ruler be if it blocks elections. All we have to do is”-
Hubert pointed at her. “….call elections and challenge Lorenz.” he finished her thought. “Our pull as the Emperor’s team should give us enough firing power to cause public discourse.”
Caspar added to the discussion. “The people loved Ferd, we can definitely use that to our advantage. Call out the sabotage.” he nodded, trying to get confirmation for what he just said was smart.
“Thing is…” Hubert lowered his volume. “Edelgard can’t know about this.”
The other two looked at the door to Edelgard’s office and nodded.
“Agreed.”