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“Those stars, with the planets that orbit them. Would we make it if we were to live there?”
Seungcheol looks over to Jeonghan, waiting for his answer. His lover doesn’t say anything for the longest time—just staring at the sky as if it’s his last night alive. Seungcheol remembers a time when Jeonghan absolutely refused to sit on the ground even with a thick blanket underneath. Now, he willingly lays on the grass for hours while they talk.
“I don’t know, Cheollie,” Jeonghan finally answers, letting out a breath. “Sometimes it feels like we’re two worlds apart.”
“Wow, it sounds like you never really loved me.”
“Don’t sulk. You own my whole heart and you know that.”
Seungcheol smiles. Jeonghan is only two months younger, but he’s always so patient with Seungcheol whenever he easily sulks and needs constant attention like this. Being the youngest in his family doesn’t help either. Seungcheol can’t help being sulky. Jeonghan never once complains.
“Ah, my skin is itchy. What’s so fun about laying in the grass and staring at the sky, huh? I could be in bed right now.”
Jeonghan used to hate midnight talk as well—he gets tired easily and needs to be in bed at 10, otherwise he’ll hate the whole world when he wakes up the next morning. But now, he stays awake at 1 a.m., doing practically nothing but hoping for the clock of the universe to break so that this moment will never end. He sacrifices so much for Seungcheol.
Sometimes Seungcheol wonders what he did in the past to be loved by a man like Yoon Jeonghan. But then again, their love isn’t made to last. He must’ve betrayed his country or something.
“Alright, alright,” Seungcheol gets up, cleaning his long black coat from the dirt and the little grass that sticks to it. “Let’s drive, shall we?”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. Nowhere, probably, just driving around the town. Or perhaps we can stop at your favorite fast food restaurant. I crave a burger and a chocolate milkshake.”
“Eating this late at night will make us gain weight.”
“Oh, come on. You’re the thinnest man I know, Yoon Jeonghan. Gaining a little weight won’t hurt.”
Jeonghan thinks for a moment. He then nods as he reaches for Seungcheol’s outstretched hand. Jeonghan’s hand is a little smaller than his, and so much softer. Seungcheol loves to play with Jeonghan’s fingers, especially when he needs to untangle his complicated thoughts.
“I’m going to miss this,” Seungcheol whispers, as they walk side by side to his car, squeezing Jeonghan’s hand.
Jeonghan smiles. “Me too. I never want to let go.”
So, for the whole ride, Seungcheol complies to Jeonghan’s request. Not like it’s hard—he, too, doesn’t want to let go. But this world—this evil, cruel world—wants them to break. No matter how hard they fight, Seungcheol knows they will eventually lose.
Jeonghan was the first to mention it. Seungcheol thought Jeonghan was staying late to complete his work the night before. Or perhaps he just had a fight with his stubborn boss. Those words couldn’t possibly come out of his mouth voluntarily. But no, he was wrong. Jeonghan was not sleep-deprived, nor was he holding a grudge. He was just stating a fact that they had been denying for so long.
“I can’t do this anymore, Cheollie,” he said that night, when they were eating in a restaurant near Jeonghan’s workplace. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
Seungcheol knew that Jeonghan would be the first to break. He was, after all, the one who sacrificed more in this relationship. He lied to his mom that he hadn’t found “the one”; he told his co-workers that he wasn’t looking for something serious; basically living a life full of lies that had no end.
Whereas Seungcheol had more freedom, as he didn’t need to lie as much. His parents knew, and they had kicked him out years before he met Jeonghan. A few of his closest friends knew as well—Jisoo was even the one to introduce them to each other.
Seungcheol couldn't, and still can't, blame Jeonghan for getting tired of fighting; for giving up on them. He always wants to live in peace, and it's something Seungcheol can't give him.
“Besides…”
“Besides?” Seungcheol looked straight into Jeonghan’s eyes.
Jeonghan refused to look back as he uttered his words, “I agree to marry this girl my mom knows. The daughter of her friend, I think.”
That sentence broke Seungcheol’s heart more than the fact that their relationship had to end. The idea of Jeonghan marrying and spending his life with someone else broke him. Especially because that was the life he imagined he’d have—to marry and spend the rest of his life with Jeonghan.
Kissing him when he got home from work. Cuddling him until they both fell asleep. Dancing with him in the living room when their favorite song was playing from their phone. Massaging his back while listening to his complaints about his co-workers. Maybe also adopting a kid or two and raising them well.
Seungcheol dreamt of that life with Jeonghan. He still does. But tonight, his dream must end, and he must wake up.
“I always want to live in this neighborhood,” Jeonghan mumbles. “Do you?”
Seungcheol looks around. He has unknowingly driven through one of the richest neighborhoods in town. The houses are elegant, with beautiful designs and spacious front and back yards. He can easily imagine living there, playing with his children, while Jeonghan watches from the kitchen window.
“Nah,” Seungcheol erases that idea before he clings hard to it and never lets it go. “These neighborhoods were too good for us, anyway. The neighbors will be noisy and judgmental.”
Jeonghan laughs. “Ah, I guess you’re right. They’ll gossip and ask too many questions.”
“Yeah. Hate that.”
They don’t say anything afterwards. They have been together long enough that silence isn’t killing them—instead, it’s comforting. Being with Jeonghan only brings him comfort, though, so Seungcheol isn’t surprised by how quickly they get comfortable in silence.
Seungcheol sighs. It's not long enough. He wants it to last forever.
They decide not to get wasted tonight, so Seungcheol drives to this fast food restaurant chain that Jeonghan loves. Jeonghan breaks their hand apart when they get down, and doesn’t link them again even after Seungcheol catches up. Seungcheol tries not to think about it. That’s what they always do, anyway: hide their love from everybody oblivious enough to notice. He doesn’t want to spend his last night with Jeonghan angry.
After ordering two burgers, a chocolate milkshake, and a cola, they sit as far away from the workers. Seungcheol devours his burger as if he hasn’t eaten for a whole week, while Jeonghan takes his time to enjoy it. Seungcheol is stressed, that’s all. And when he’s stressed, he eats. Right now, he feels like he can eat everything this restaurant has inside their fridge.
Seungcheol glances at the window not too far from where they sit and sees a little blinking light. Whether it’s a star or a streetlamp, he doesn’t know. He stares at it for so long, even Jeonghan notices.
"What are you looking at?"
“Don’t you ever wish we were stars?” Seungcheol asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Like we’re stars that glow in the night sky. Stars that align and form a constellation. I think if what we have is declared in the night sky with a constellation, it will be a beautiful one. People will talk about it as the most romantic constellation ever.”
Jeonghan drinks his cola before answering. “Those stars you see are dead millions of years ago. We are just seeing the traces of their past lives.”
“Are you saying that to break my heart?”
Jeonghan doesn't answer—he just lets out a deep breath and continues eating. Even though Jeonghan is silent, Seungcheol knows it in his heart. Jeonghan never wants to break his heart. He just wants to keep Seungcheol grounded.
Seungcheol admits that he can be an annoying dreamer sometimes. Working as a songwriter in one of the big agencies makes it beneficial for him to indulge in his daydreams. He needs it to create scenarios in his head and write it down into beautiful songs for the boy bands and girl bands his agency has. But sometimes he flies too high. Jeonghan is there to tie him down, making him see the reality that they face.
It works the other way around, too. Seungcheol will often loosen Jeonghan’s tight grip on reality and take his beloved realist up high. Jeonghan needs to see the beauty of life in order to survive.
"Answer me," Seungcheol pushes.
"You're just being irrational."
Seungcheol smiles. Jeonghan isn’t exactly as patient when he faces other people—it depends on his overall mood, but he can get irritated quite easily. But not at Seungcheol. Jeonghan never gets mad at him, no matter what mood he is in.
“If I invited you to my wedding, would you come?”
Seungcheol almost chokes on his milkshake at Jeonghan's sudden question. He coughs. “I don’t think so. I can't see you getting married to someone else.”
“Sorry.” Jeonghan smiles. “I guess you’re right. I also don’t think I can see you see me get married to someone else.”
“I will definitely object to the wedding.”
Jeonghan thinks about it for a second. “I think, if you did that, I would ditch my bride and run away with you. My mom would surely die on the spot.”
“Should we do it?”
“What? Kill my mom?”
“No, dumbass. Run away. I mean, we can still do it.”
“Cheollie….”
“I’m serious, Hannie.” Seungcheol leans closer. “We can go back to our apartments, pack everything we can bring, and fly somewhere else. Where people don’t know us and we can live freely without having to hide. Maybe somewhere in Europe. Or America.”
“And how will we survive, huh?” Jeonghan laughs. “We can barely speak a word in English.”
“We can survive. We can learn as we go. As long as I’m with you, I can find a way. I—”
“Cheollie.”
“I can work from wherever. You, you work in a bank, surely it won’t be different there, right? We can—”
“Seungcheol.”
“We can make it, Hannie. You and I, together. We can make it. We—”
“Choi Seungcheol.”
Seungcheol stops. Jeonghan looks at him with the softest, saddest look that he has ever given him. Seungcheol hates that he makes Jeonghan sad. He’s supposed to only make him happy. That’s his sole purpose in this world.
“We both know we can’t,” says Jeonghan, as soft as he possibly can, Seungcheol almost doesn’t hear him.
Doesn’t, or won’t? He can’t really tell.
Jeonghan continues, “Don’t get me wrong. It would make me happiest if we could do that. Sometimes I wish I’m rich enough so that we don’t have to worry about money and just run away as far as we can and hide there forever. But the truth is, I’m not. Neither do you. And we have responsibilities that we can’t just leave behind.”
From underneath the table, Seungcheol feels Jeonghan’s hand on his knee. He reaches under, stroking his beloved trembling hand. Jeonghan smiles when their hands once again intertwine.
“I’m sorry it has to end like this.” Jeonghan’s voice cracks. He fights back his tears and inhales deeply. “I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Seungcheol whispers. “It’s okay. I don’t regret it. You, and only you, make me happiest.”
Jeonghan doesn’t express his love with words—in fact, when they took the test to see what love language they spoke, “Words of Affirmation” came last for Jeonghan, while it was the second highest for Seungcheol. Jeonghan speaks of his love through his actions. And Seungcheol has learned to not get his hopes too high. He will perhaps never hear Jeonghan say that he loves him, but his actions are more than enough.
They leave the restaurant after Jeonghan finishes his burger. Seungcheol deliberately takes the longest route back to Jeonghan’s apartment. Jeonghan usually complains. But tonight, he doesn’t seem to mind. Their hands hold into each other like it’s the last time they can do it. Unfortunately, tonight, that statement is true.
Seungcheol parks right in front of Jeonghan’s apartment. For five minutes, they just sit there. Seungcheol keeps stroking Jeonghan’s hand with his thumb. He prays that the time will stop right here, right now. Right when they’re still together, still madly in love with each other.
“I guess this is it,” Jeonghan breaks the silence.
“Will you love her the way you love me?” Seungcheol asks, although he’s afraid to hear the answer.
Jeonghan shakes his head. “I won’t. I can’t. I don’t want to.”
Seungcheol smiles. “Will she make you as happy as you are when we’re together?”
“I don’t think she can.”
“Will you at least try? For me?”
Jeonghan doesn’t say anything. He tightens his grip on Seungcheol’s hand. “I can’t promise I’ll be as happy. Is it okay?”
“It’s okay. As long as you are still happy.”
Seungcheol leans forward. He knows he will regret it tomorrow, but it’s how he wants to end this. If it must end, it must end the way it started. With a kiss as pure as their love.
When their lips touch, Seungcheol holds back the urge to do more. This is not them getting carried away from the romantic atmosphere they feel around each other and fulfilling their desire. This is a goodbye. This is them parting ways.
“You, and only you, are the love of my life,” Seungcheol whispers as he pulls himself away.
Jeonghan smiles softly. “Goodbye, Cheollie.”
“Goodbye, Hannie.”
Jeonghan pulls his hands and gets out of the car. Seungcheol stays there until all the stars in the sky are gone.
[]
Seungcheol lied when he told Jeonghan that he wouldn’t go to his wedding. He isn’t invited, but he forces Jisoo to tell him when and where the wedding takes place.
As expected, Jeonghan looks amazing in his wedding suit. His hair is tousled, just the way Seungcheol likes it the most. Jeonghan greets every guest that comes with his bright, beautiful smile. Seungcheol can’t help but to smile too as he watches from afar.
“I still don’t understand why he didn’t invite you,” Jisoo says, standing next to Seungcheol.
“Because I will object if he does, and he will run away with me, ditching his bride and killing his mom in the process. We don’t want that.”
“That’s dark.”
“I know.” Seungcheol lets out a deep breath. “God, he’s so beautiful. The only mistake that we didn’t make was run away.”
“I’m sorry it didn’t happen.”
“Don’t encourage me to ruin his wedding.”
Jisoo laughs. “Alright. Promise me you won’t.”
“I won’t even get closer. I just want to see him.”
“I can already imagine the songs they will play on the radio,” Jisoo crosses his arms in front of his chest. “It will be heart-breaking. The whole nation will cry.”
“Oh, just wait until the end of this month. One of the songs I wrote for him will be in a group’s comeback. It’s not the title track, though.”
“Lots of people prefer the B-sides anyway. What’s the title?”
“ I Can’t Run Away .”
“I’ll make sure I listen to it when I need to cry.”
Seungcheol just smiles. “Thank you.”
“Oh, before I forget.” Jisoo pulls something out of his pocket and gives it to Seungcheol. It’s an envelope. “He wants me to give it to you in case you’re stubborn. He really does know you so well."
Jisoo doesn’t say anything else and leaves, walking towards the wedding venue.
Seungcheol’s hands tremble when he opens the envelope, and his heart beats faster. Jeonghan always surprises him when he expects it the least. He tries to fight back the urge to run towards Jeonghan and kidnap him from his own wedding.
Inside the envelope is a picture of him. He sat on the grass and stared longingly at the night sky. He recognizes the long black coat he wore in the picture. It must’ve been taken secretly by Jeonghan the night they parted.
Seungcheol's legs weaken, and he slowly slides down until he sits on the floor, tears flowing fast. It isn’t the picture that finally breaks him, that confuses the people passing by. It’s the text written in Jeonghan’s messy handwriting that he finds behind that picture, that finally makes him cry the tears that he’s been holding for months.
You, and only you, make me the happiest, Choi Seungcheol. You, and only you, are the love of my life.