Chapter Text
January 1995/p>
Damon Albarn stumbled into his Camden flat with his arm held tightly around Graham’s waist. He felt sick and anxious and for once it had nothing to do with the drugs and alcohol he had consumed that night. Damon steadied Graham against the wall as he took his own jacket off. He gazed at Graham’s lightly chapped lips as his lashes fluttered. Damon hadn’t been able to get the oddly sickening image out of his head of Graham placing a soft kiss to Liam’s cheek as a cacophony of paparazzi bulbs flashed at the NME awards. The moment kept replaying over and over in his mind causing a knot of jealousy to form in his stomach. It was all wrong. Graham’s tentative, whisky stained mouth pressing against Liam Gallagher’s stubble. He shuddered. He couldn’t fully understand or admit why it had affected him so much. It’s because you’re jealous. He felt an irritated flush rush over his skin. But who was he jealous of exactly?
Was he jealous of Liam? They’d had a successful night and the crowd lapped up their theatrics. Graham had chosen to bestow a kiss upon him. He’d been in that position once. He and Graham had history together. There had been kissing…and more shared between them over the years. And Damon had supposed that somewhere down the line they would be back there again. But watching that one, seemingly insignificant, chaste kiss between them had flipped everything on its head.
Or perhaps, more worryingly he was in fact jealous of Graham. Graham had been permitted to kiss the normally prickly Liam Gallagher. Damon knew in his heart that Liam would never have allowed Damon to be in Graham’s place. He’d voiced that quite clearly tonight. He’d stayed cool because he knew that would annoy Liam even more. But it had left an oddly hollow feeling in his belly that sat queasily on top of the jealousy. They’d caused this situation by themselves of course. There was now too much carefully orchestrated bitterness between them to ever go back or mend whatever civil relationship they may have once had a chance at. Graham was not in the same position as he was at all.
It had started out as a mutually beneficial way for their bands to get in the press and gain popularity. This was something Graham had never wanted to be part of. He’d taken a step back while Damon and Liam had respectively revelled in the animosity. In truth, deep down, Damon was as repulsed by it as Graham was but Like Liam he also fed off it. He was addicted now. It drove him towards the perfectionism he so desperately sought and had not yet achieved artistically. He’d thought the little circus he and Liam created would be a way for him to achieve this but their victory with Country House had been unsatisfyingly hollow battle won. And now Liam it seemed had won the stupid War that he regretted ever entering into. At the start of the night Damon had been willing to wave his white flag and back down but Liam hadn’t given him the opportunity and he didn’t blame him after everything he’d did.
He had been willing to let the kiss go. It was all part of the circus. It was all for the press and meant nothing. They had both been completely pissed. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up with Graham with the state he was in, yet he couldn’t help himself. The image of the kiss niggled under his skin like a splinter. There was nothing to do to alleviate it now other than to scratch it out with a hot needle.
“Why did you do it?” He asked quietly as he stood over the sink pouring a glass of water he never intended to drink.
He wanted to suffer the hangover tomorrow with full intensity. He deserved it.
“Do what?” Graham yawned as he stumbled over to the sofa and threw himself on it unceremoniously.
Graham’s glasses skewed off his face against the armrest of the couch as he closed his eyes.
“You…kissed him.” Mumbled Damon.
He suddenly became nervous and was regretting every word that was tumbling out of his mouth. He wasn’t someone that normally doubted what he truly believed in his heart and soul to be the right thing to do or say but Damon just wasn’t sure of anything right now. He was all mixed up.
Graham chuckled lightly.
“Well if I hadn’t there would have been a fight so I did for a quiet life and to avoid any drama when he refused to take a picture with you. I thought maybe it would end this stupid thing you two have going.”
“What thing?” Asked Damon dismissively.
“Don’t act innocent. The media circus you two have created both trying to be the ringleader. So I did what I had to do. I was quite flattered I got away without him punching me really. It wasn’t the worst thing either. He smells quite nice you know. Nice aftershave, takes care of his hair…”
Graham mumbled incoherently into unconsciousness.
Damon’s grip around the glass he was holding tightened and he slammed into the sink rather more harshly than he’d intended.
Graham was startled by the sound and he watched in confusion as Damon shuffled back into his jacket.
“Where are you going?”
“To talk to Liam Gallagher.”
Graham wheezed drunkenly to the point where he caused a coughing attack.
“You’re not serious? It’s the middle of the night. You’re both pissed. I mean he wants to smash your skull into the pavement when he’s sober. Leave it for once would you?”
Damon shook his head. Graham’s advice was sound but he couldn’t follow it.
“I just need to know why he wouldn’t take the picture with me. I mean he kissed you for fuck’s sake. What’s the difference?”
Graham sighed and shook his head.
“Why do you care? It’s Liam Gallagher he does what he wants no explanation required and if he did try to explain anything he ever did it’d be incoherent at best. There’s a big difference. Like I said, I never took any part in the silly little, hurtful games you both play with each other. This is all still part of the game and by you getting annoyed he’s gotten the exact reaction he wanted from you. You’re letting him win. Want my advice? Stop playing games with him and you won’t lose.”
Damon reached for the door handle in frustration.
It annoyed him that Graham always saw straight to the heart of everything but always somehow managed to remain disinterested and separate from it. That was something he refused to do. Yes, he always kept a cool head but inside it was a different story.
“Well I deserve an explanation. I don’t care how incoherent it is. I’m not playing a game. Well…maybe it started out as that but it’s something entirely different now.”
Damon pulled the door open.
“Damon-wait don’t be so fucking impul-“
Damon slammed the door cutting Graham off as he made his way into the cold, desolate street once more.
If he were Liam Gallagher where would he be?
Damon shuddered at the horrific thought and from the icy wind.
What the fuck was he thinking?
Well, he’d want to be somewhere visible with lots and lots of people. People whose feathers he could ruffle, whose lips he could kiss, people that would be splashed across the papers tomorrow.
Damon sighed shakily as he finally committed to looking as desperate as he was about to. He knew where he would go. He had been invited of course but after everything he’d taken the high road and chosen to leave. And now he was going back into the lion’s den all alone.
He braced himself against the wind pushing the lapels of his jacket up with frozen fingers. He hailed a cab and his heart pounded with excitement and fear as he gave the address to the driver. Graham’s warning echoed in his mind but he pushed it away. He’d made his mind up and once that happened there was no going back.
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Liam Gallagher truly felt on top of the world. He had a cold pint in his hand. His head was delightfully fuzzy from a concoction of nicotine, alcohol and drugs. Warm, extremely fit bodies were pressed up against him and lots of soft lips had brushed against his as he moved around the club with a pint in one hand and the reassuringly heavy weight of his NME award in the other. He stared down at the golden hand raising the finger. It was heavier than he’d expected but then why did the victory feel so hollow?
He’d been a right cunt to Albarn earlier and in hindsight he almost regretted it. He’d been a bit…harsh. He shook his head. Was he actually losing his mind? Why did he care about hurting Albarn’s feelings? He always remained so calm and collected no matter what he said or did. Albarn didn’t care and it fucked him right off. He’d rather he just threw a fucking punch. He deserved it. It made everything clearer that way. Liam would know where he stood then but that posh cunt always got him all mixed up. He made him look stupid. And he wouldn’t have minded looking stupid, but not in front of that bastard. He should’ve just taken the picture with him. What was the big deal? It was just one meaningless image to print in the papers tomorrow to get people talking. They’d been doing that for 6 months so how was this any different? He couldn’t explain why but it just was.
Albarn couldn’t be more different from him yet there was a competitive streak within them both, a searing passion and determination that lit a fire deep within both their souls. But where Damon’s was icy blue Liam’s was burning hot and volatile and downright unpredictable at times. Liam in that moment almost wished he had some of Albarn’s restraint. Liam often regretted the things he said or did and was always quick to apologise and forgive but with Albarn he just couldn’t. There was a lot of pride and insecurity involved there and that complicated things.
He’d never felt more alone than he did right now. That top of the world feeling faded away as quickly as it had come he just wanted to be alone and away from here. He pushed all of the warm bodies away as anxiety clutched at his stomach. He heard Noel laughing at the bar. He clearly wasn’t having the same existential crisis he was right now. Arsehole.
He finally made it out into the freezing night air. He’d left his jacket somewhere inside and the cold clung to his shirt instantly biting into his skin. He fumbled in his back pocket for his lighter and his cigarettes. He lit one up for something to do and to heat himself up.
The music and laughter echoed behind him in the cold alley he’d chosen to hide himself away in. He would go back in and be the life and soul of the party but he needed a minute before he painted his smile back on. He watched his breath cloud in front of him hypnotically. He looked down at the statue still in his hand. Why do I feel like shite? I should be having the time of my life. He wrapped his arms around himself feeling the emptiness set in.
A cab door slammed and he kept his eyes trained on the ground praying that whoever it was went straight inside. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this.
Quiet, hesitant footsteps. Liam sighed. No such luck.
“Congratulations. You never really gave me the chance to say it earlier.”
Liam exhaled his cigarette smoke in surprise. Out of everyone he’d expected to come to the Oasis afterparty Albarn hadn’t even entered his mind as a possibility. That took balls. He was mildly impressed if he was honest. But he was also completely pissed off that this cunt was the one finding him having an existential crisis.
“Very funny. Never gave you the chance cause I never wanted you to hear you say it.” He said harshly as he uncrossed his arms and attempted to make himself look a bit taller which was useless because Damon was a few inches taller than him. Another annoying thing about Albarn, that wasn’t even his fault to be fair.
Damon smiled and shook his head.
“I’m not being funny. I mean it. Look there’s no paparazzi in this alley. I’m not doing this for the papers. You made a good album. You deserved it.”
Liam felt his gut twist guiltily as he looked into Albarn’s annoying little angelic face. He had oddly elfin, delicate features for a bloke and he could see why all the lasses and blokes for that matter went for him. Why the fuck was he thinking about that right now?
“Look what’s yer game Albarn? I really can’t be fucked with this or you right now, if you hadn’t picked up on that from earlier tonight or the last 6 months, so if ye don’t mind-“ He said as he roughly pushed past him.
Damon stopped him by catching the crook of his elbow with his hand.
“No games. Look can we just…call a truce on all this? It was fun at the start but I think it’s gone too far really. Can’t we at the very least just be civil to each other? We’ve both won a few rounds each let’s just call it a day.”
Liam laughed in Damon’s desperately pleading face. It was actually the first time he’d seen any form of vulnerable emotion on his features and he almost felt bad for laughing when the guy was at least attempting to be mature and honest with him.
“Look mate I know that the likes of you know fuck all about the rules of a boxing match but it goes like this you keep going on until one of you is lying on the ground knocked out and covered in blood. It’s gonna be you Albarn if you hadn’t got that already. I’ll lose the last grain of respect I’ve still got for ye if ye throw this.”
Damon sighed.
“Surprised there’s still a grain left.”
“Me too but you came to this party and that took balls. Look, why are you being all like this anyway what changed? It’s me that acted the cunt earlier and I’m not sorry about it by the way.”
Damon looked oddly vulnerable in that moment and Liam felt his gut twist again. What the hell was going on?
“I’m just tired aren’t you? None of it’s real now. I can’t even remember how or why it all started. It should be about the music but now it’s just about…this.” He said gesturing between them.
Liam hesitated for a moment. Yes he and Albarn had created a frenzied media circus together. Both parties had benefitted from it but now Albarn seemed entirely unhappy about the arrangement.
“Well what’s fake about it? Aside from the fact we both make music we couldn’t be any more different. I hate blokes like you. You drink Pimms at Wimbledon and all that…shite.”
Damon laughed unexpectedly.
“Wow. That’s really where we’re going with this round? I don’t even drink Pimm’s.”
Liam nodded gaining in confidence.
“I don’t believe you. Anyway yer football team’s shite as well.”
Damon frowned.
“So’s yours. Man Utd I would at least a grain of respect for you.”
Liam smiled.
“Fair play Albarn. So you coming in for a drink or what?”
Damon frowned.
“Didn’t think you’d want me in there.”
Liam frowned.
“Thought that’s why you come.”
Damon shook his head.
“No I came to call a truce which you’ve denied me and to get an explanation.”
Liam stood in irritated silence.
“Well get on with it it’s fucking freezing out here.”
“Why did you let Graham kiss you but you kicked off when they even tried to get us in a picture together?”
Liam looked at Damon in disbelief.
“Why do you care?”
Damon rubbed his temples in frustration.
“I’d rather not answer that right now if I’m honest.”
Liam hesitated then shrugged.
“Cause we should have control over how this thing between us ends not them that’s why. And Graham’s alright so I let him kiss me and I let them take the picture. He’s a posh cunt like you but he’s quiet at least you’re annoying as fuck.”
Damon stared into Liam’s unwavering, unnerving blue gaze. Forget the last offensive comment that first part was oddly meaningful. ‘This thing between us’ and what was that exactly? Damon felt flushed despite the cold from the overwhelming emotions coursing through him.
“How do you want it to end?” Damon asked quietly.
“Ask me again in 10 years.”
Damon sighed. It wouldn’t ever end would it?
“If I’d have kissed you, you’d have punched me.”
Liam laughed.
“Yeah of course I would have. You know ye need to watch yourself Albarn you’re sounding a bit jealous. I know I’m pretty good looking but I didn’t enjoy your boyfriend’s little kiss. He’s all yours.”
Damon felt the frustration course through him but he couldn’t let it show, not in front of Liam. He ignored the boyfriend comment because he didn’t need to let Liam know that he was almost close to the mark in a way about the relationship between himself and Graham, his jealous feelings and the fact that he found Liam attractive. He was three for three. Cocky bastard.
Damon smiled coyly. Well if Liam wanted to keep the game going he was upping the stakes. He was going to call his bluff.
“Yeah I was jealous, but not of you. I was jealous of Graham because you let him kiss you and I know you wouldn’t have let me.”
Liam’s eyes widened and his dark lashes fluttered as he momentarily drew his eyes away from Damon. He didn’t quite know what to make of Albarn at times. Him and all those art uni educated tossers always made him feel stupid or like they were making a fool of him which usually resulted in him throwing punches. He could just punch Albarn in his pretty little face right now. But then why didn’t he? One of the mouthiest blokes in the world had just been rendered speechless by Damon Albarn and it left Liam feeling oddly vulnerable.
Liam cleared his throat trying to regain a bit of control over the situation.
“Ha yer funny. Look, fuck off Albarn. I’m going inside. If you wanna stay out here and freeze your balls off yer welcome to.
Damon impulsively gripped onto the collar of Liam’s shirt and he looked startled for a moment and Damon was surprised to see a bit of fear too. The ever confident Liam Gallagher looked unsure for the first time.
“I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just being honest and I thought you’d appreciate that. That’s one thing we’ve both got in common I think.”
Liam backed up slightly against the wall but his eyes stayed locked on Damon’s.
“Is this part of the game?” Asked Liam.
Damon shrugged,
“Well that depends. If I say yes will you let me kiss you?”
Liam was very, very concerned by the fact that his heart was pounding in his chest and that the thought of Damon Albarn kissing him didn’t entirely turn him off. He’d unpack that later if he dared to.
Damon smiled wickedly and Liam’s stomach flipped. What the fuck was he doing?
“I suppose if it’s just a game then it’s just a bit of a laugh isn’t it?” Said Liam with a shrug.
Damon nodded and looked down at Liam’s plump, parted lips. He watched his breath issuing from between them. He felt his heart pound against his as he leant into him. Liam Gallagher was nervous and it was a sight Damon never thought he’d see. It made all of this feel oddly real and a million miles away from the games they’d been playing with each other for the past 6 months. With no press here who exactly were they playing this game for if not just for each other’s pleasure?
Damon impulsively leant forwards and captured his lips. Cigarettes and alcohol and warm amber aftershave swirled around his head. Graham was right he smelled nice. He attempted to ignore the butterflies that filled his stomach and the tingles of pleasure at the touch of his lips. Liam’s lips were surprisingly soft and warm beneath Damon’s cold, numb ones. Liam pushed him back suddenly as he rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth violently.
“Oi! What the fuck I thought you were going for the cheek!”
Damon smiled and then licked his lips slowly satisfied at being able to make Liam look so out of sorts.
“I never said that.”
Liam eagerly picked up the pint glass from the concrete and gulped it down.
“Well he kissed me on the cheek.”
Damon shrugged.
“I’m not Graham.”
Liam rolled his eyes.
“You’re a fucking knobhead is what you are.”
Liam hesitated for a moment in the silence before he put his pint down again and shrugged.
“Fuck it.”
Damon only had a moment to react. He closed his eyes and winced awaiting the imminent deserved punch on the nose or mouth. But instead he felt the pressure of Liam’s soft lips against his again.
He gasped in surprise and Liam used the opportunity to experimentally slide his tongue over Damon’s. Damon’s heart was racing and he thought it best not to think too much about what was happening right now. It wouldn’t do either of them any good. Damon chanced his luck and gripped onto the thin shirt at Liam’s back. Liam’s NME award clattered to the ground as Damon felt Liam’s fingers clutch in his hair. It was strange that somehow the kiss seemed to put an end to all the previous games they had played and this was the beginning of an all together higher risk game.
The papers got their double page spread the next day. Graham Coxon kissing Liam Gallagher on the cheek. Everyone was talking about it. But it was the kiss that happened in a dark, cold alley that no one was talking about that forever changed the lives of two people whose paths, that outside the music world, most likely would never have crossed.