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The city was tinted with the most colorful bright lights, and the breeze was filled with too much sugar. It’s the Christmas season and everyone he knew, or at least the ones he cared about, was either back to their hometown or busy with family gatherings or had locked a date for the rest of the holidays.
But Jaehyun, who has nothing but regrets and what-ifs as his evening companions, sat in the corner of the café sipping his hot chocolate. He silently cursed at every couple who passed by the window, especially the ones who came inside the coffee shop.
Four months ago, he was sure as hell he won’t be spending the holidays alone this year. Four months ago, he was pretty sure he’ll be spending his best Christmas yet. After all, he somehow managed to become more intimate with his best friend.
A little more intimate but never enough.
Everyone and their mothers knew he liked Jacob, probably except Jacob himself. Some would think he’s just playing around, that his subtle touches didn’t mean anything, or the ‘I love yous’ were just ‘you’re the person I treasure the most in the world and I’ll always be by your side’ in disguise.
And that’s what Jaehyun thought too.
Not until he realized how his world slows down, feeling like he sees every strand whenever Jacob brushes his hair or sees every muscle move whenever he empties his water bottle. Not until he realized how he should have no reason to procrastinate for an exam just because Jacob felt like driving around the town. Not until he realized that he’s unconsciously giving Jacob the bigger slice of the cake. Not until he realized that he’s having a hard time looking at him in the eye when he had nothing to be guilty about.
There were so many things that it almost drove him crazy. And maybe he wanted to run away from his feelings. But every seven o’clock, he always found himself knocking on Jacob’s door to invite him for dinner.
He kept asking himself if his feelings were real or if it's because Jacob was the only one he hangs out with, the only constant man in his life. So tried to put himself out there and dated other men to see the answer for himself.
His exes were not bad. In fact, he lowkey got cursed on Twitter for snatching the hottest boys in their university. Sangyeon was dubbed as the hottest guy in school, and people still called him a fool for letting him go. Kevin dedicated a whole art exhibition for him, featuring ten pieces where he modeled. Younghoon, his latest ex, was literally the sweetest boy around. It felt like a perfect relationship and there was nothing he could ask for. It's just that Jaehyun was always the problem.
They're all great men, but they will never be Jacob. So it was inevitable to break up with all of them. His best friend found it weird how he never cried about it and just brought beer to his apartment where they watched whatever they clicked on Netflix up until the morning.
Jacob could be poking his nose in the middle of sleeping and he'd find that endearing. Jacob could be farting in the middle of baking and he'd still be swooning.
Oh, he so fucked.
It took him years to admit that yes, he's tragically in love with his childhood best friend, and no, it will never be a two-way street. Because the last time he checked, Jacob was dating some theater girl named Lucy.
“Then kiss me,” he shot back, purposely trying to rile up Jacob after the latter threatened him for eating the cookies that were baked for a class activity. In his defense, he asked permission to take a bite. But one bite became two, and before he knew it, he already finished the whole thing.
The two of them have known each other for twenty years already. And by now, his best friend was supposed to know when he's joking. Jacob will tell him to shut up, he'll flash a grin and talk some more, and Jacob will glare at him—that was their routine.
But for that day, he decided to playfully ask for a kiss. Deep down, he felt a little guilty—because he was 75% not joking, hoping his recent daydreams of their lips touching would come to reality. But he knew Jacob would never kiss him because he would never like him like that . That was never part of their dynamics. He felt a little sting on his chest, and he could only hope that his best friend would think that he’s kidding to save him from embarrassment.
Instead, Jacob brushed his fingers on his chin and pulled him closer. “Hey Jaehyun,” he started.
Jaehyun found himself holding his breath. He had no idea what prompted the sudden skinship. His best friend was never flirty and he was pretty sure he was drinking coffee before this conversation and not alcohol.
“There’s this guy that I like,” Jacob continued, “ and I was wondering if you could help me out.”
So Lucy is out of the picture. He thought, trying hard to bury the sting he felt on his chest. He already saw this coming but he could never prepare himself enough for it.
Jacob didn’t need to specify what exactly he needed because Jaehyun got it figured out with how his thumb touched his lips.
“Sure,” was all he managed to reply. After all, they'll be graduating in a few months, and no one knows if Jacob might be moving across the Pacific Ocean after college.
Zero inches in between their lips, Jaehyun got to taste the Iced Americano that Jacob had this morning and the taste of a whole new world. A whole new world of misery and being a clown.
One kiss became two. And before he knew it, he was naked under his blanket with his best friend sleeping on his arm as the sun rose on his window.
He’s trapped in Jacob’s strange maze and he couldn’t find his way out.
But he won’t be Lee Jaehyun if he doesn’t fuck up.
Everything with their whole setup was supposed to be physical only. It was supposed to be some sort of training after all. But of course, Jaehyun lied. He couldn't, and could never, set his feelings aside. Because he was everything to him. And that intimacy that got them a little closer meant the world for him.
Jacob isn’t someone who talks a lot, but he is talkative when he’s with Jaehyun. It’s a weird flex but Jacob doesn’t get riled up at anyone, except at Jaehyun. He felt special that way. Jacob is known for his angelic aura, but he screams like he’s summoning some demon whenever he’s on Jaehyun’s bed.
And with every morning that he watched the morning sun highlight Jacob’s eyelashes, he felt greedier. He wanted Jacob to call him over not just on the weekends. He wanted the cheesy dinner dates. He got a little closer but he wanted more. He needed more.
“Can you tell me more about him?” Jaehyun asked as he put his pants on. They did it all night and he’d love to stay on his bed with Jacob and sleep the whole day. But he had group meetings to attend to and if he missed this one, he could say goodbye to marching next year. He didn’t want to ask because he knew he’d be salty. But curiosity won him over. “The guy you like, I mean.”
“He’s annoying,” Jacob deadpanned.
“That’s all?” Jaehyun felt a little disappointed, expecting something more from his so-called romantic best friend. “What do you even like about him?”
“I don’t know, man. I just woke up and realized I love him.”
Love, huh?
“Yeah, I can’t wait to see Dexter,” Jacob said on the phone on his way out of his apartment. "Tell him I love him."
Dexter. He finally got a name for that person. The one that his best friend loves .
And right there and then, Jaehyun got a reality check: Jacob might be spending the night on his bed for now, but he’ll eventually graduate from their practice sessions and sleep in the arms of the one he truly loves.
Jacob smelled like fresh laundry, lazy mornings, and newly-brewed coffee. Jacob tasted like birthday cakes, pineapple juice, and autumn. But to him, Jaehyun felt like he tasted nothing at all.
Maybe they were better off as friends. Friends who have each other’s backs. Friends who would eat dinner together at eight o’clock. Friends who would watch Netflix up until the morning. They shouldn’t have dared to cross the line with all the kissing and the fucking.
And so he tried to get out of it, in the worst way possible, to spare himself from a deeper heartache, and to spare himself from hearing “let’s stop this, Jaehyun” from the man that owns his heart.
On the night they finally did it in on Jacob’s bed, Jaehyun left him feeling cold without his big spoon before the sun could even come up.
He knew he’ll regret it. But either way, he’s regretting everything that happened since that day. He shouldn’t have asked for a kiss.
He’s in Jacob’s strange maze and when he thought he almost found his way out, he realized he took a wrong turn ages ago.
His bed felt bigger than it used to be. It felt cold without his warmth.
It hasn't been a week but it felt like years already.
He checked his Instagram and everyone’s on vacation but there he was, stuck in his apartment playing Tetris 99. He should be enjoying Jacob’s holiday cookies if he endured it a little longer. But maybe it couldn’t be helped. Maybe it was his tipping point, and his table is full of spills and the only way to clean it up is to wait for the water to dry out. Maybe time will heal the pain.
A big part of him wanted to press that reset button to restart and replay to the part where he could choose to not fall in love with his best friend. Back to the part where he wouldn’t wish for Jacob’s touches to linger a little longer. Back to the part where he doesn’t go crazy whenever he sees his best friend lick lollipops. Back to the part where he doesn’t overthink every little thing that Jacob does. Back to the part where Jacob was just a best friend.
Ding dong.
Jaehyun stood up, confused. He wasn't expecting any visitors but maybe someone sent a Christmas package to him.
But standing on the opposite side of the door was the only Christmas present he longed for, with a box of cookies on one hand.
“You weren’t picking up my calls so I got worried if something happened.” Jacob’s eyes were filled with worry, and he felt bad for ghosting him after fucking him in his bed. Maybe a little.
"Jacob, I'm sorry but I don't think I can do this anymore," he said right there and then. He didn't even bother to invite him inside. Who knows how easy it would be for him to lose all the self-control he'd been trying to save up for days now.
"Oh, do you have a new boyfriend already?" Jacob innocently asked, like there was no other reason for Jaehyun to back out of it.
"No!" Jaehyun has decided that he won't be dating anyone until he has healed from his heartache. With this being his first, he has no idea how long it would take him.
Jacob said nothing but his eyes asked for an explanation, and Jaehyun would definitely not confess to him while he's in his oversized shirt and greasy hair that longed for a shower while the door to his apartment was wide open.
"I can't keep fucking you without feelings when I always had feelings for you. And it's been hard watching you in the mornings knowing you'd rather be in someone else's arms. And it's been eating me, Jacob. I wanted to take a step forward but here you are outside my door when I am at my most vulnerable."
Fuck it. Maybe he said too much but maybe it's the best Christmas gift he could give to himself. So he could be free.
He looked up and expected Jacob to give him a pitiful look. But the look on his eyes was nothing but annoyance.
“I like you, you idiot,” Jacob said as a matter of fact as if Jaehyun was supposed to figure that out long ago. “You should have realized it was you the moment I said he’s annoying.”
Right . He is the only one that could annoy the hell out of Jacob.
Jaehyun was about to jump on his arms but remembered the name he tried so hard to erase in his mind. “Are you sure you don’t like Dexter anymore?”
“Of course I still like Dexter,” Jacob replied like it was nothing.
“What the fuck?!” Jaehyun took a step back.
“What–” the creases on Jacob’s face increased in the confusion but suddenly relaxed to a smile after realizing what had been happening the whole time.
“Jaehyun,” Jacob squeezed his shoulder. “Dexter is our new dog.”
“Oh." Jaehyun was dumbfounded as relief rained on his shoulders. "I can't believe I went sulky on Christmas day because of a dog!"
He was such an idiot indeed.
He’s in Jacob’s strange maze and he would never get out of there. Gladly.