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Beomgyu was the first one to figure it out.
He hung out with Soobin a lot, and considered him one of his closest friends, sharing personal details of his life. One being that, he missed his home a lot. So much of Beomgyu would stuff his face into his pillow at night and cry.
But Beomgyu was here by choice, chasing a dream that wasn’t guaranteed even after all these tears and practice.
Today was another day where everything reminded Beomgyu of home.
He started the day by hitting his head on the ceiling, groaning he immediately thought ‘i miss having my own bed that was on the ground and not a fucking bunkbed.’
He started his day, going into an already crowded bathroom to brush his teeth. People stood in front of the mirror and the sinks, pushing and shoving to be able to look at their reflections
Beomgyu sighed, ‘i miss home’
He walked into their shared kitchen, looking for even some bread to toast but there was nothing. He sighed, choosing to get some breakfast at a convenience store.
He walked over to Huening Kai who was putting on his shoes.
“Can we stop at the convenience store for some food,” Beomgyu asked.
“Sure let me tell Taehyun,” Kai picked up his backpack before walking over to his and Taehyun’s room.
Beomgyu wasn't so fond of Taehyun for the sole reason of, he's smart and it intimidated Beomgyu. He always felt him staring at him and trying to set him on fire with his eyes.
After a couple minutes they all began walking to the convenience store. They all picked up breakfast sandwiches and some juice, not really caring especially now what they were running late.
“Why did you guys take so long? We have to get to school in less than 5 minutes,” Beomgyu complained, unwrapping the sandwich as he ran.
“Kai couldn’t find his wallet,” Taehyun said.
Kai was gonna respond but a loud shriek interrupted him.
Beomgyu’s sandwich fell through the plastic wrapping paper he was taking off. Landing on the ground with a loud splat sound.
“Hyung, we can go back quickly!” Kai said, attempting to make Beomgyu feel better.
“We have 3 minutes to get to school,” Taehyun said, checking his phone before putting it back into his pocket.
“It's fine, let's just get to school,” Beomgyu said, speeding up and walking in front of the other two, missing the worried glaces they shared.
‘god I miss my mom's meals’
—
Beomgyu stared at himself in the mirror in their practice room, some trainees practicing in the corner.
Beomgyu wanted to cry, he wanted to cry and take a shower and hang out with his parrot and be a normal teenager but he also wanted to be an idol. He wanted to perform on stage and make songs and show off all the hard work and practice he’s done but right now he wants to curl in a ball.
He didn’t notice Soobin sitting next to him, staring at Beomgyu through the mirror.
“I want to visit daegu some day.”
Beomgyu looked up to Soobin who continued looking into the mirror.
“what?”
“I’ve been looking at photos of Daegu recently and it looks so beautiful I want to go,” Soobin gave Beomgyu a warm smile.
“It is, it feels like home,” Beomgyu started drifting off into deep thoughts again, remembering how he said goodbye to his mom the last time he visited. How he was running late and didn’t get to make his bed
“Does it not feel like home here,” Soobin asked, an innocent question that made Beomgyu want to dig himself a hole and never come out.
“No. Not at all.”
Soobin hummed, “do you want to be here?”
Beomgyu thought for a second, he did, he really did. When they had trainee presentations he loved the feeling of being on stage and he wants to experience that forever.
“Yeah,” Beomgyu whispered out.
“If in your heart you want to be here, you will feel at home.”
“But I don’t feel at home,”
“So let’s work hard to make you feel at home,” Soobin got up, reaching his hand down and helping Beomgyu up.
“What-“ Soobin pulled Beomgyu out of the practice room, grabbing his wallet on the way out, “where are we going?”
“Let’s go get some ttaro gukbap! You didn’t eat this morning huh,” Beomgyu shook his head, Soobin stopped walking looking back to Beomgyu, “I know you miss home Gyu, I can’t take you to Daegu but I can try to make you feel at home.”
Beomgyu wanted to cry again, not from sadness and homesickness but from how caring Soobin was about him. It was a feeling that reminded him of home, a warm feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time.
Beomgyu gave Soobin a hug, holding him probably too tight, “thank you Hyung, so much.”
Soobin hugged him back, only humming the melody of a song Beomgyu couldn't recognize.
And a lightbulb turned on in Beomgyu’s head.
That's when Beomgyu said, “You would be a great leader.”
Soobin laughed it off, pulling Beomgyu again, “come on, we don’t have much time before they notice we aren’t coming back.”
—-
Taehyun was the second to notice.
To be honest, Taehyun admired Soobin a lot. He always seemed so kind and level headed without seeming fake.
He liked how calming Soobin was to be around.
So when Taehyun was studying under his blankets at 4am on the verge of tears with only his phone lighting his notebook; Soobin took off his blanket from on top of Taehyun.
“Jesus christ Hyung! You scared me,” Taehyun whisper-yelled as to not wake up anyone else.
“What are you doing awake,” Soobin asked, voice slightly raspy indicating he just woke up and his gaze on Taehyun calculating.
“Studying, what are you doing awake?”
“Heard sniffling, and saw the light of your phone from under your blankets,” Taehyun stayed quiet. Soobin’s gaze softened and he squeezed himself next to Taehyun, “what’s wrong?”
Taehyun burst into tears, because everything was wrong. Well at least it felt like it.
He saw his grades, straight A’s near 100% on all, perfect attendance, the perfect student. Yet Taehyun couldn’t stand it.
He couldn’t stand it when his Mother told him he was wasting his time training.
Or when his Father told him he should join him in his business because “you’ll do better with me than in a boy band”
His siblings looked at him with disgust, so angry that Taehyun was the perfect student and was “wasting it” to be an idol.
But Taehyun didn’t live with them anymore, he lived in a dorm filled with other people in his situation, the same passion as him.
That was until they found out about his grades too.
He was bombarded with questions, study groups, help on homework for classes he didn’t have, people offering him money to write their essays, people asking to copy his homework. But they all were ok when Taehyun said no; until Seohol pushed him against a wall and demanded Taehyun to do his essay, the night before it was due.
So here's Taehyun now, doing Seohol’s essay, for a class Taehyun doesn’t even have, and with his own homework left undone in his backpack.
Soobin stayed quiet, hugging Taehyun and letting him cry against his chest.
He pet his head, running his fingers through Taehyun’s hair occasionally, humming the melody to a song that Taehyun wouldn’t recognize even if he was paying attention to it.
“Don’t go to school tomorrow,” Soobin said quietly.
Taehyun pulled away from Soobin’s hug quickly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, “are you crazy hyung? My perfect attendance? My parents will get angry at me and Seohol’s ess-,” Taehyun cut himself off, deciding it would be best if Soobin didn’t know.
But Soobin was good at reading people. He looked at Taehyun with a sad but understanding expression, like he knew what Taehyun felt, what he was going through.
Taehyun felt like he didn’t have to speak, like Soobin knew everything. Normally that would be scary but he felt understood, happy that he didn’t have to say it for someone to know.
Soobin grabbed Taehyun’s notebook throwing it on his (the bed on top), Soobin then pet Taehyun’s hair once again.
“I can’t take your stress away Taehyun, I can’t fix everything, as much as I would like to make sure you’re happy forever I can’t. But please call sick tomorrow, I’ll help you, say you can’t make it, you need a day off Hyunie,” Taehyun opened his mouth, “I’ll finish Seohol’s essay, don’t worry Hyung is smart!”
Taehyun sighed heavily, nodding slowly. He laid down, closing his eyes and feeling Soobin’s hand petting his head to sleep.
-
Taehyun woke up that day with a scared looking Seohol in front of him, Soobin…, and Choi Yeonjun? standing besides him
Soobin cleared his throat, as to tell Seohol to start talking.
“Um.,,, I’m sorry for forcing you to do my essay.. I won’t do it again. Please forgive me,” Seohol bowed, lips pressed tightly together.
Taehyun accepted his apology quietly.
He was pulled into a hug by Soobin.
“I still wish I could get rid of your worried Hyun, but I want to help you. You’re my friend, I want you to be happy in anything you do,” Soobin smiled, showing off his dimples.
Tears filled Taehyun’s eyes and a lightbulb turned on in Taehyun’s head.
“Hyung you would be an amazing leader,” Taehyun said blatantly.
Soobin stared shocked at him before laughing and hitting his shoulder lightly, “don’t be ridiculous, i'm just being a good friend.”
Taehyun wanted to tell him that (aside from being a good friend) Soobin let out leader vibes. Calm, kind, serious when needed, but still able to joke around with everyone for them to feel at ease with him, Soobin could read people like an open book, and he put everyone ahead of himself.
Sadly Soobin walked to Yeonjun, who whispered something to him which caused Soobin to blush and walk away quickly followed by Yeonjun’s laugh.
Taehyun was asked later why he didn’t go to school. He didn’t really care. One day of relaxing wasn’t gonna kill him.
—
Yeonjun noticed it next.
Yeonjun doesn’t deny it. The moment Soobin walked into their dorms 3 years ago, Soobin’s shy face Yeonjun felt like he was in love.
He felt like the moment in cheesy American movies where the world slowed down and wind blew through Soobin’s hair.
And when Soobin smiled, dimples popping and eyes closing into a moon shape, Yeonjun felt like he would give up anything for him.
The first day Soobin was there, the trainees asked him who he thought was the most attractive out of all them (a tradition with all new trainees), Soobin looked around before making eye contact with Yeonjun.
Yeonjun had gotten picked before, actually out of everyone he got picked the most but when Soobin pointed at him Yeonjun felt like he won at life.
Later in the day he walked up to Soobin who was unpacking his things.
“Uh, hey.., Im Choi Yeonjun” Yeonjun felt like he was gonna explode from nervousness.
Soobin looked at him and bowed, “Hello Yeonjun-ssi, I’m Choi Soobin,”
‘cute’
“please just call me Hyung”
Soobin smiled, “ok Hyung. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier, I felt pressured and I just-“
“Don't worry about, I get picked a lot,” he said jokingly.
Soobin didn’t say anything for a second and Yeonjun got scared. Maybe Soobin didn’t get his sarcasm but Soobin laughed and Yeonjun felt his stomach untighten.
“I’m sure you do Hyung,”
‘is he flirting with me?’
“Please, with your face let new trainees come in and you’re going to go on a win streak”
Soobin chuckled, obviously playing along, “with you around? I doubt it,”
“Says the resident pretty boy,” Yeonjun rolled his eyes.
Soobin blushed, obviously taken back. Yeonjun laughed when Soobin put his hands in front of his face.
‘He’s adorable’
-
Days passed and he and Soobin were getting pretty along. Running between a line of flirting and just being friendly.
That was until the end of the month trainee evaluation where the whole dorm smelt like sweaty teens, scared, stressed and tired. Yeonjun wasn’t an exception.
It had become a known rule to not bother Yeonjun during evaluation season. Don’t talk to him during practice, maybe during lunch (if he had one), not at the dorms (if he's even there). Do that and you’re met with a very stressed and cranky Yeonjun.
Soobin of course didn’t know that.
It being his first evaluation, he didn’t expect himself to get too high but he was still practicing hard to do well. Just not Yeonjun hard.
He knew Yeonjun was number one, he saw it every time I passed the evaluation board. He saw the #1 CHOI YEONJUN 1492 POINTS, followed by a random person's name no one bothered to remember because they were so far below Yeonjun it didn't matter.
Soobin wished to come top 20 one day.
Soobin walked into the practice room at 12:52am, grabbing his charger he forgot quickly but the lights were still on and with music blasting.
He saw a very sweaty and tired looking Yeonjun, dancing. He was so focused he didn’t see Soobin walk in.
At first Soobin was admiring him for the hard work, but then followed concern because; how hard Yeonjun had been working to be so far ahead of everyone.
Soobin paused the music, causing Yeonjun to almost stumble back in shock.
“What the fuck,” Yeonjun turned, making quick eye contact with Soobin.
“It’s almost 1am, Hyung. You should get back to the dorms,” Soobin said softly, beginning to tidy up the practice room.
“Did you come just to bother me?”
Soobin was visually taken back, but didn’t think about it much because Yeonjun was probably just tired.
“No, I came for my charger. I saw you here. You should rest Hyung.”
“I can rest after evaluations.”
“You won't do well if your body is tired.”
“You've been here a couple weeks and now you think you know what to tell me?”
Soobin didn’t say anything, his brain running fast to figure out what to say, but Yeonjun beat him to it.
“Keep that lazy mindset you have and you’ll end up like every other shitty trainee at the company,” Yeonjun walked to the computer to turn on the music again, looking at Soobin again, “I have been here a long time and when I see lazy trainees I know they wont even last 2 months. Seriously, I'm working hard for my dream and you want me to be like you and not practice.”
“I have been practicing-“
“Practicing? You barley fucking practice, you spend more time learning the dance than actually dancing it, I wonder if its your height that causes you to be behind because the music takes a while to reach your ears. Your tall ass makes that choreo look weird as hell. It’s a bit embarrassing to talk to you in public honestly.”
Soobin didn’t even know what to say. So he walked away. Quickly turning so Yeonjun could say a final thing, or to see his tears fall.
Soobin made a mental note to not talk to yeonjun.
Meanwhile, Yeonjun didn’t think much of it. He saw Soobin walk away and felt relieved to have the practice room to himself.
-
The next week evaluations came and Yeonjun saw his spot safely at #1 with almost 2000 points.
He hadn’t talked to Soobin since last week.
The day after that day he realized what happened but didn’t really process it as he was running off a 1 hour nap in the practice room. When he was finally full of sleep he remembered what he said, and he most definitely remembered Soobin’s face when he said it.
But who cares because there sat Yeonjun’s name next to the huge number one. But it didn’t feel right. He didn’t feel that huge sense of relief after seeing his number one spot safe.
He turned and saw Soobin staring up at his name, quickly making eye contact with him before turning around and walking away.
Yeonjun knew he had to talk to Soobin. But he didn’t.
-
Months passed and besides quick hellos and goodbyes; he hadn’t talked to Soobin.
The air was too thick around them to open their mouths.
Maybe it was the stress about Soobin, or the stress of being a trainee but Yeonjun went into the cleaning closet (a small closet filled with cleaning supplies no one enters) and he closed the door behind him and sat on the floor in the darkness.
When you live with dozens of other boys in the same building then it's hard to have time by yourself, it’s hard to even think loud enough.
Yeonjun stared into the empty darkness in front of him.
Sometimes he wishes he could run away into the middle of nowhere where there were no ranks, no number one, no legendary trainee, no mistakes, nothing to remind Yeonjun he was expecting something.
Yeonjun would debut, he knew that, the whole world knew that.
Bighit would be stupid not to debut him.
That didn’t stop Yeonjun from thinking about all the outcomes.
When he debuted the expectations would increase, he would have the whole world staring at him, watching every move, every dance, every song.
He wanted to perform, he wanted to sing, dance and rap but his gut couldn’t stop him from thinking everything that could go wrong.
What if he debuted and everyone hated him. What if the group did bad and they ruined the company.
Yeonjun began to sob, he felt like a baby crying over the scary darkness. He sobbed into his knees.
Half of his soul wanted to be here, the other half wanted to be away from everyone.
He couldn’t stand the trainees' stares waiting for him to mess up, he couldn’t stand another evaluation month where everyone watched him. He couldn’t stand hearing everyone talk behind his back if he lost points.
The fucking points where ruining his life.
Points were based off of everything, it kept trainees in check.
Your improvement, your attitude, your relationship with teachers, your grades, your actions. Everything.
Yeonjun couldn’t keep watching his every move. He couldn’t keep thinking about losing points every time he gained weight.
Everyone kept expecting more from him, a better performance and more point but there was only so much Yeonjun could give and he was scared when he was gonna run out.
The door opened, letting in sudden light into the small closet.
Yeonjun looked up from in between his knees.
“Hyung….” Soobin stared at him, wearing a worried face.
“Soobin..,”
Soobin closed the door and he left Yeonjun alone in the darkness.
Yeonjun cried harder, not only did he feel like shit, Soobin saw him with his stupid pretty face and he probably would tell everyone how pathetic Choi Yeonjun really is.
The door opened again and Yeonjun looked up seeing Soobin holding a bowl. He closed the door, stuffing himself against the wall across Yeonjun.
“I brought you ice cream, I bought it for me but.., you need it more.”
Yeonjun stared at him and sobbed more.
He was so sweet, and cute, and smart and talented and meanwhile “Big Hits Legendary Trainee” Yeonjun was a mess.
“It's ok! you don't need to eat it! It was stupid anyways,” Soobin puts the bowl down on the floor.
“I’m so sorry Soobin…, I was an asshole to you and I didn’t even have the guts to apologize to you and you still come here with ice cream to help me…”
Soobin’s expression softens, “don’t worry about it Hyung. I should’ve talked to you sooner…, I guess I was just scared of what you would say,” Yeonjun choked out another sob, “NO! I mean! I hate confrontation and I get nervous , it has nothing to do with you, I mean it did because I get nervous around you because you’re cute and really talented and it makes me feel weird and I just didn’t want to talk to you and it- I’m really sorry…”
Yeonjun laughs through his sobs, “No you don’t have to apologize. You were just being a good friend. Uhm.. you think i’m cute?”
Soobin laughs back, “yeah, didn’t i make that clear the first day i got here,” Soobin hands Yeonjun the ice cream, “what's wrong hyung?”
Those words opened a flood of words from Yeonjun’s mouth. He had spent so long with such high expectations, when he started talking he couldn’t stop. And yet Soobin listened through it all.
“it’s too much, the points.. the trainees, my family, the instructors, the world. I want a break.”
“So let's take one”
“what?”
“let's go on a break, it won't be for long but we have until tomorrow for our next class”
“Soobin I have to learn this cho-“
“We have a class for that, that's why we're training Hyung. We’re still kids, this is the only moment in our lives we get to live this time. Lets go out and get kicked out of stores and feed ducks and do stupid kid things, if any one deserves a break Hyung.., its you. You work so hard. Its ok”
Yeonjun felt like the whole universe saw him struggling and sent him an angel. The prettiest, kindest angel they had. He likes Soobin. He likes how his whole presence is warn and comforting.
And a lightbulb turned on in Yeonjun's head.
Yeonjun stared Soobin in his eyes, “Soobin,”
“Yeah,” Soobin asked quietly.
I like you, “You would be a great leader”
Soobin’s demeanor changed, he left a soft (but disappointed) smile, “thank you Hyung. That means a lot. But i think if anyone would be a leader it would be you”
Yeonjun made a face, “Me? that's crazy I can’t take care of myself…, a whole team? I would lose it.”
“Well I don’t think i would be a good leader,”
“Well you're wrong”
“So are you.”
“nuh uh”
“nuh yeah”
Soobin smiled, getting up and laughing when his knees cracked, “Should we leave?”
Yeonjun nodded and got up, still holding Soobin’s half eaten melting ice cream.
“Soobin?”
“yeah?”
“I like you.”
“Good, can you kiss me?”
Yeonjun nodded quickly, getting closer to Soobin and giving him a quick kiss.
“I like you too Hyung…. so please kiss me again and for longer.”
—
They were told the company was finally picking the trainees they wanted to be competing for the final line up. And suddenly debuting was so close, and so real. Everyone whispered about who would be the main dancer, leader, maknae, who the final line up would be.
Huening Kai never really thought who would end up being the leader but when Taehyun and Beomgyu asked him he naturally assumed Yeonjun would be.
“Wait really,” Taehyun said, more surprised than anything else.
“Well who do you think will end up being the leader,” Kai asked dumbly, isn’t Yeonjun the most obvious choice?
“Soobin hyung,” Beomgyu and Taehyun said in unison, sharing small giggles at it.
Huening Kai was confused. He loved Soobin and he definitely had older brother vibes but he doesn't know if Soobin could handle the pressure of being the leader.
“Really? Isn't Hyung too shy?” (soobin rn: NOT SHY NOT ME!!!)
Beomgyu sat up straight and Taehyun looked even more shocked.
“He's shy and if anything that's better! He cares so much about us. Out of everyone you should see the most Hyuka! He treats you like his baby.”
“It’s because I'm the cutest here,” Kai said with a grin.
Beomgyu and Taehyun groaned.
-
After Beomgyu and Taehyun pointed it out, Huening Kai began paying more attention to trainees' leadership abilities.
The more he paid attention the more he was worried if whatever group ended up debuting would have a good leader.
He woke up and he immediately knew he was sick. His body felt stiff but soft at the same time, every bone ached, his throat hurt, he couldn’t breath through his nose and he was either too hot or too cold.
He hesitantly got up and almost fell over once he stood up. He was nauseous, cool, another thing to add to the list.
He knew he wouldn’t be able to go to practice or school in this condition, but he couldn’t miss practice with the final line up being so close.
He walked out to the shared kitchen and Soobin, who was waiting for his toast to finish cooking, immediately became worried.
“Hyuka, what's wrong? Are you sick? Do you have a fever? I'm going to make you a tea-“”
“Hyung, im fine, well, i'm sick but i can push through it,” this is a high technique Huening Kai was using, called LYING. He felt like throwing up and crying in bed while being food spooned soup, but he wasn't a kid anymore, he had to push through it.
Soobin only looked more worried but nodded, understanding Kai’s thoughts with the final line up so close.
“I'm still gonna make you tea though.”
“Yes hyung.”
-
Huening Kai felt like he was dying. Apparently the dance instructor thought it was the day to give them the hardest choreography they have ever got.
He blacked out multiple times while dancing but he kept going.
He ran into other trainees multiple times and kept getting yelled at for not controlling his body well enough.
The instructor yelled it was break time and Kai practically collapsed against the wall.
Soobin walked over with a water bottle, a concerned face and an equally concerned Yeonjun.
Soobin kneeled in front of him and held the water bottle for Kai as he drank from it.
“Hyuka you’re too sick to be here, you need to go rest.”
“No, I'm fine, I can go through this.”
“Soobin, he knows his limits,” Yeonjun said carefully.
“No Hyung he's obviously too sick to practice and if he continues he won't get better anytime soon. It hurts me to see him like this.”
Yeonjun didn't say anything.
“Come on Hyuka, you’re a minor and they can’t stop you from resting when you're sick.”
“But Hyung…, they’re watching everything we’re doing for the final line up, I can’t not make it.”
“Well you not resting isn’t helping you. You have to rest, get better fast and come back with everything you have Hyuka. Plus, I haven’t missed a practice day ever and I doubt I will make it,” Soobin said with a bitter sweet smile.
“Soobin-!” Yeonjun playfully hit Soobin on the shoulder, “don’t say that!”
“Sorry…,” Soobin said quietly
And then a lightbulb turned on in Kai’s head.
“You should be the leader,” Huening Kai screamed as well as he could.
Soobin was obviously taken back by the suddenness, eyes widening and leaning back.
Yeonjun’s face lit up, “that’s what I said!”
Soobin’s shock became frustration, “why does everyone keep saying that like I can even make the line up! You guys keep rubbing in my face! I can’t be the leader if I'm not even in the group,” he quickly stands up, “I’m telling the instructor that you’re sick Kai, it’s unhealthy for you to practice like this, one day won’t hurt you.”
Huening Kai felt bad for Soobin. He was so kind, he’s been his older brother since he got here but Soobin hasn’t been able to overcome his insecurities.
He watched Soobin work just as, even harder than everyone else. He watched Soobin stress over every tiny detail in every dance. Self adjusting the choreography to be right because of his height, yet Soobin looked sad every time debuting was brought up, he talked about the debuting group like he could never be a part of it. Like the group already debuted.
He heard Yeonjun sigh, sitting down on the floor in front of Kai.
“He always says that, I don’t understand why he thinks he can’t make it,” Yeonjun says, drawing circles on the ground with his finger.
THe dance instructor suddenly yells at Kai from the door, “Huening! You should have just told me you didn’t feel well! Go home, take care of yourself, I don’t wanna hear that you're risking your health again!”
Kai slowly gets up, bowing to his instructions and thanking him.
Soobin was allowed to go home with him to help him.
The walk back silent for the most part.
“Why do you keep talking like you can’t make the line up,” Kai says, boldness coming out of nowhere. Maybe it's the drowsiness and sudden headache.
“Because I won’t.”
“Then why are you here,” Kai’s words slurred together, he wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was saying, “if…, if you don’t think you’ll make it. Why are you here?”
Soobin was silent for a while, “There’s a small chance I’ll make it, and I can’t live with myself if I don’t stay to see if I can live that small chance. As much as I don’t think I can make it, debuting is still my dream.”
Kai didn’t say anything, probably because his mind couldn’t really make out any real meaning out of the words that came out of Soobin’s mouth.
Kai woke up in Soobin’s bed, the bunk underneath Beomgyu’s. He felt much better but still sick.
At least he can breathe out of his left nose hole. Kai suddenly misses when he could breath just fine.
Taehyun walked in staring down on his phone, then looking at Kai.
“Hey, how are you feeling,” he asked.
“Better at least,” Kai said, “can you call Soobin?”
Taehyun nodded and walked away, face still on the phone.
Soobin walked in, holding a bowl of soup and bed tray, followed by Taehyun with a cup of tea and a bottle of vitamins.
“Ok you are gonna eat the soup, and tea then eat the vitamins afterwards. I'm going to see if we have a humidifier in the closet. I'm going to bring tissues to blow your nose, then after a bit after eating you can take a warm shower ok?” Soobin said, placing the tray on the bed in front of Kai, putting down the soup, tea and vitamins.
Kai silently nodded, and began eating the soup.
“I heard that they're announcing the pre-final line up next week,” Taehyun said, still not looking up from his phone.
“Who said that,” Soobin asked.
“I heard some of the trainees saying it. After that the trainees selected will probably be given separate classes for the final evaluation.”
The room fell silent as each of them contemplated their chances.
“I hope we all make it,” Soobin said, “I hope that even if I don’t debut, I can make it that far.”
“Hyung, you work so hard, you are so talented, you have the most incredible falsetto, I mean you’re so high in all the charts! What makes you think you won’t make it? You deserve it so much! I bet my life you will debut hyung! You have as much as a chance as Yeonjun-Hyung,” Kai tried his best to lift Soobin spirits.
Soobin laughed, “I don’t think that far but thank you. I’m going to try and stop thinking that way. I’m just scared to have my hopes up and not make it.”
–
Soobin ran to the common room, he heard the screams, and chatter in there.
It was the day they announced the pre-final line up.
The room was filled, people pushing and shoving to take a peek at the board. In the corner were trainees on the phone, happy, others crying and comforting each other.
Soobin tried to view the board but couldn’t see due to the crowd.
“SOOBIN!”
There was a sudden weight on his back
“BIN BIN! We made it!”
Soobin turned around and Yeonjun was jumping up and down, a huge smile on his face.
“What? We? I made it,” Soobin asked, shocked.
“Yeah! We both made it, so did Beomgyu, Kai and Taehyun,” Soobin felt absolutely shocked, “Bin? What's wrong, why are you crying?”
He’s crying?
Soobin touched his cheek, fingers wet from the tears. He let a sigh out.
“I’m just so overwhelmed Hyung”
--
The next month was the most stressful time in Soobin’s life.
The fact that he had a very real chance to actually debut didn’t hit him until he called his mom and she cried from joy. And with that Soobin was up late running through every tiny detail of the choreo he had learned, the memory of his and Yeonjun’s first “fight” in the back of his mind. Not strong enough to cause any type of action from him though.
His mom confessed that she wasn’t very confident Soobin would debut but that now she has all the faith in the world and that only made Soobin so much more nervous. If Soobin doesn’t debut he will let himself, his family and his friends down. He physically cringes at the idea of what would happen if Yeonjun debuted and he didn’t. The only logical thing to do would be to break up as it would pose a danger to Yeonjuns career.
Soobin stops running through the choreo, letting the music continue.
What if Soobin does debut? What then? What will happen to his life? He would perform, release music, hopefully music he likes. He will visit countries and fans. What will be expected from him as a member?
The possibility of him debuting is slim to nothing but if he does, what will he be? With Yeonjun definitely on the debut line up, there will be no way in hell anyone else will be the main dancer and with Taehyun, Soobin being a main vocalist is outrageous. He doesn’t even think about a rapper position.
So what will Soobin be? What will his legacy be?
He's an introvert. He's shy and awkward and too tall for his own good and never knows how to continue a conversation naturally. And compared to Yeonjun and Beomgyu, he is not the idol visual standard. He's kinda funny, maybe he can do well in variety shows, yeah probably not.
He's working hard to debut but then how hard will he have to work to prove himself?
He almost thinks it would be rude to debut him instead of other trainees.
Soobin sits on the floor, looking at the ground.
The wood floor is covered in scratches from every other trainee who practiced for their dream. Most, more talented and deserving than Soobin.
He looks over to his bag where his phone sits. How easy it would be to get a train and just go home. Focus on studying, get a steady job and never again worry about this again. Never hearing people compare his ranks to everyone, especially Yeonjuns. Never hear people make fun of him behind his back. Never hear people talk about his cheeks again, how they are so “chubby” and they definitely didn’t mean it as a compliment with their tone.
He almost wants to laugh at himself for being dumb enough to come here. Why on earth did he think he could be an idol. He sees Yeonjun and he sees an idol, he sees Taehyun and he sees an idol at its finest. Why did he look at BTS and Shinee and think he could do that?
Soobin’s eyes clouded with tears.
He should leave, he needs to leave. He can't embarrass himself by not making it.
He gets up from the floor and walks towards his bag, swinging it over his shoulder and walking out of the studio. Leaving the music running in the speakers.
–
Yeonjun was so excited. For some weird reason he was less nervous than he was for a normal evaluation. It felt like a competition and if Yeonjun was something it was competitive.
Currently he had warm and yummy ramen and ice cream in a bag and he was on his way to Soobin’s usual practice room.
He smiled happily, he was gonna see his cute boyfriend and he was gonna feed his cute boyfriend then he and his cute boyfriend were gonna cuddle on the floor and hope no one walks in and then he and his cute boyfriend were gonna practice so that they can debut together. Did Yeonjun mention that he had a cute boyfriend?
Yeonjun thought a bit about how debuting with Soobin would be. They would be together 24/7 and Yeonjun could not complain about that but they would have to be extremely careful because idols dating is already taboo so imagine a dating scandal between members and they’re both men.
But despite the talent, hard work and passion practically oozing out of Soobin, he had this idea that he wouldn’t debut.
Yeonjun shook his head, shaking away the thoughts. Those were thoughts for another day.
He carefully opened the door to the practice room, hoping to catch Soobin by surprise, smiling at the music blasting in the room.
However, there was no Soobin in that room.
Yeonjun pouted. He was obviously here because his choreo music was playing. He shrugged and sat on the bench.
He was probably in the bathroom, who just leaves their music playing?
–
After an hour Yeonjun started to think Soobin wasn’t coming back.
He sighed, the food was probably cold and the ice cream was definitely melted.
He got up defeatedly, pulling out his phone to text Soobin where he was hoping he could just reheat the ramen.
[ 30 Min Ago ]
Soobinie <3 : Have you seen my subway station card?
Soobinie <3 : nvm I found it
Soobinie <3 : Hyung
Soobinie <3 : I love you
Soobinie <3 : Incase you didn’t know
Yeonjun felt his blood pressure go up. Why would Soobin need his station card? Especially at this time at night and right before, basically, debuting.
[ 10 Min Ago ]
Yeonjunie : I know soob, I love you too
Yeonjunie : where are you?
Yeonjunie : Why do you need your card?
[ 5 Min Ago ]
Yeonjunie : Baby?
[ Just Now ]
Yeonjunie : Soobin?
Yeonjun speed walks back to their dorm, not running because he might get yelled at for it. He quickly scanned the dorm card and unlocked the door. Some trainees were sitting together watching something on one of their laptops. None of them were Soobin, not that Yeonjun thought Soobin would hang out with them anyways.
Yeonjun walked into Soobin, and some other trainees room, only seeing Beomgyu and Taehyun squeezed into a bunk bed together.
“Oh hey Hyung,” Beomgyu got up, to the dismay of Taehyun, “Is that for us,” he questioned, reaching out to the bag of ramen in Yeonjun’s hands.
Yeonjun snatched the bag from Beomgyus hands, “no, where is Soobin?”
“He was here like one master chef episode ago,” Beomgyu said, still trying to take the ramen from Yeonjun.
“Like an hour ago,” Taehyun said, finally getting up and standing next to Beomyu, “why? Is something wrong because he was kinda in a rush and took a shit ton of stuff but I thought maybe he was doing laundry.”
“Now that you say it, it is kinda weird that he would take his passport to do laundry, especially at this time of day” Beomgyu put his hand on his chin thoughtfully.
Yeonjun’s head almost exploded from anger and disbelief because…, Soobin was going somewhere far away, propbaby home and these two dumbasses, the only ones who could have asked him anything, did nothing and didn’t question anything.
“He took his passport,” Taehyun said, “what? how do you know?”
“He dropped it by accident and I saw, did you not hear me laughing at him?”
“He's going home, probably, but why?” Taehyun sat back down quickly pulling out his phone.
“Are you gonna call him,” Yeonjun asked carefully.
“No, you should do that though, I’m asking Huening Kai if he knows,” Taehyun pulled his phone to his ear.
[ Just Now ]
Soobinie <3 : I'm going home
Soobinie <3 : I didn’t say bye because I was in a rush to not miss the subway
Soobinie <3 : Was kinda useless because I missed it anyways
Soobinie <3 : I think this is for the best, I love you so much Hyung but I can’t debut. I can’t face
them knowing I won’t make it. I’m sorry. I will root for you forever and I’ll make
sure to buy your albums and go to your concerts :)
Yeonjun was gonna throw up. From anger or from sadness? He doesn’t know.
How dumb was Soobin for him to not realize how incredible he is and that he has as much of a chance to debut. How dumb big hit woud be not to.
“He is going home,” Yeonjun whispered, showing Beomgyu his phone, looking down.
Beomgyu’s eyes widened, grabbing Yeonjun’s phone from him in disbelief. Taehyun got up and looked behind his shoulder.
“What? But we no, he was so close! Why would he go home now? Doesn’t he have to alert the company?”
“He's probably still at the station if he missed the sub less than an hour ago, Ansan is like an hour from Seoul, if we go now we can make it before it comes back,” Taehyun declares, already getting his jacket.
“I don’t know, if he wants to go home we should let him,” Beomgyu says carefully.
“If he really wants to go..,fine but let's at least say bye,” Yeonjun says quietly.
Beomgyu and Taehyun nodded silently.
“I'm going to tell Kai to meet us at the station, we don’t have time to pick him up,” Taehyun said as he texted Kai.
–
Soobin stared at his subway card.
This was definitely the best, this choice.
He did kinda feel bad not saying bye to anyone but if he did he would have definitely broken down crying.
Yeonjun read his message but didn’t reply. He was probably super pissed at him, not that he can blame him. He hopes he told the others because he can’t bring himself to text anyone else goodbye.
“HYUNG”
Soobin almost jumped from the bench, who was screaming in a subway station at this time of night?
“Soobin Hyung,” Beomgyu ran to him. Followed by Yeonjun and Taehyun, “Hyung! What are you doing? You need to stay here!”
“Beomgyu didn’t you say we should let him go if he wants to go,” Taehyun sat down out of breath.
“No! I take it back. I want you to stay Hyung! You have to! How can we debut without you,” Beomgyu pleaded to Soobin.
“Debut,” Soobin whispered quietly.
Yeonjun sniffled, trying to keep his tears in, “baby if you wanted to leave why didn’t you tell us,” he crouched in front of Soobin, holding his hand and looking up to him, “i-i am sad if you leave, i’ll miss you so much but if you don’t wanna be here that fine. Just.. I just wish you told us.., me?”
Soobin closed his eyes, a tear falling out of his eye, “I’m sorry. I'm so sorry Hyung. It’s just so much. I won’t debut so why am I here? Why am I practically dying and training so hard if I won’t make it.”
“You will! You will make it! Even if you don’t at least try! you’ve made it this far let's just finish it all the way.”
“I won't though.., I.., I don’t have the talent for this…, not like the rest of you at least. I can’t go back and not make it.”
“Baby you are idol material if I have ever seen it. I have been a trainee for so long and since then I have seen so many trainees here and you are the most incredible Soobin. You don’t see it but everyone else does! You don’t see the teachers watch you perform with heart in their eyes. The moment you walked into the dorm I knew you would make it, so I don’t know why you want to leave. I don’t know why you don’t believe in yourself,” Yeonjun kissed Soobins hand.
“Are you really gonna leave Hyung,” Taehyun said quietly.
“I…,” Soobin opened his eyes, making eye contact with a very tear eyed Yeonjun. He let a sigh out, “I’ll stay. I don’t think I’ll make it but I will work my hardest to make it with you guys”
Yeonjun let out a breath that sounded like he was holding it the entire time, “thank you Soobin. Thank you for staying.” Yeonjun began crying in Soobins hands.
Soobin stood up, pulling Yeonjun with him. He took Yeonjuns face in his hands, whipping his tears with his thumbs. He pulled him into a hug, lowering his face to his shoulders.
Soobin quickly pulled Yeonjun away when he heard screaming and he was suddenly pulled into another hug.
“Hyung please don’t leave me please please please please please!!! You're my brother Hyung, what would I do without you here! Oh my god i’m going to throw up. I literally can’t live without you! you’re my best friend and I hope we are friends forever even if you do leave I mean if you really aren’t happy with us or being here then maybe you should leave for your mental health, but I hope you know how insanely talented you are and you deserve to debut so much,” Kai squeezed Soobin, tears flowing down his face.
Soobin pushed Kai off him, “Hyuka, I’m staying, you can calm down.”
“Oh god this is so embarrassing. I can’t stop crying,” Kai whipped his tears.
Soobin pulled Kai into a tight hug, “It's okay Huening Kai.”
“Let's go home, I need to sleep,” Taehyun said, obviously tired.
Soobin laughed, “Yeah me too.”
__
Soobin was shaking while walking to the meeting room.
He was about to be told if he was gonna debut or not.
Soobin took a deep breath before opening the door.
Sitting in a round table were some higher up bighit officials, as well as Beomgyu, Taehyung, Yeonjun and Kai.
So he's the last one to arrive…, that's embarrassing.
“Sit down Mr. Choi,” one of the men said.
Soobin took a seat nervously.
“I’m just going to say this now to ease your guys' nerves and because we have a lot to get through today, you all made the debut line.”
He heard various sighs of relief, including himself.
They haven’t debuted yet, they still had a long way to go but for now Soobin was content.
–
Months had passed and they had grown closer than before.
Training was more intense than ever. They had traveled to LA to train and when they came back they spent so long focusing on vocals and rapping.
“Alright, we already discussed this group won't have official positions, however we decided that one position was very important in every group, the leader position. Because you guys know yourselves the most, we are letting you guys vote on who should be the leader.”
Soobin stared at that piece of paper. At first Soobin was happy about there being no positions because he wouldn’t have to face the disappointment when he didn’t get any main position, or even a lead position but now he was angry because he didn’t know where he stood in this group.
He recalled every time the members told him he should be the leader. But Soobin was realistic and honest to himself. They were being nice to him and he knew that. They knew that he was an introvert and shy, they wouldn’t choose him.
Soobin wrote Yeonjuns name on the paper.
Soobin gave his paper to the employee reluctantly, noting that everyone else had already given their vote to her.
‘I guess they automatically knew it was Yeonjun’
The employee looked at the papers, counting the names. She smiled and looked up, making eye contact with Soobin.
And a lightbulb turned on in Soobin’s head.
“Congrats Mr. Choi, well, Soobin on being the group's leader, with 4 votes. And I assume that the other one was yours.”
Yeonjun wrapped his arms around Soobin, giving him a kiss on the temple.
“What did I tell you! What did I tell you! I told you, you should be the leader!”
“What? I said that,” Beomgyu said.
“Me too,” Taehyun and Kai said at the same time.
“See Bin! You’re perfect leader material,” Yeonjun laughed.
Soobin hugged Yeonjun back. For some reason, he's happier about being a leader than when he found out he was debuting.