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Keeping an eye on the horizon
A peaceful and beautiful sunset lulled me to sleep. Filling the sky with blue, purple, and pink, with a touch of orange and yellow in the middle.
How could such a big star, shining from a million miles away, with heat that could kill and a shine brighter than you, reach me now that you can't? You were really bright, so bright that I wanted to hold on to you forever so you could always light me up with your warmth and brightness.
Your warmth, hug, and chest were my favorite places on the planet. I could have everything taken away from me and still be content because of your presence in my life.
I watched as your warmth faded like dandelions. It was as if it had been blown harshly against its will, against its will. Your vibrant self is becoming duller and duller by the minute, losing its vibrant colors. The colors that used to represent you no longer recognized you.
Your body was directly in front of me, but you were not.
Didn't I notice it too late?
My reki had vanished, and I couldn't....
“Hey dude what are you doing here”
“You still look as beautiful, it’s like you haven’t aged at all”
“Dude… s-stop saying things li-ke that, Of course I haven’t aged dude. We are only 17, no need to rush the wrinkles”
“17… right”
“Come on, it’s getting late wanna race to your house”
“Let’s go to yours, its farther”
“As you wish my prince”
Langa couldn't skate like he used to because it had been 4 years since he had even touched a skateboard, let alone visited the skatepark. He couldn't come here to find no one waiting for him with their usual bright smile and colorful colors devouring the setting. He certainly didn't come here, no. It was severe enough that he couldn't flee anywhere because everything reminded him of reki, even the smallest cracks on the walls. The skatepark, where he spent most of his time with Reki, was a place he knew would swallow him whole. A location where he discovered his two most beloved possessions. They were both gone like a breeze that lasted far too long. A breeze that he will never feel again.
“Langa my dude, fall one more time and your pants are going to be done for”
“It’s been a while reki… hold me”
“Nah… your snow, you don’t need help from a useless redhead”
I should’ve said something, I should’ve spoken up, I should’ve done something, anything. Just anything to show I cared. Because I did, I really did reki. Believe me.
“Reki your… not useless. You're my everything. You.. red-head”, Langa couldn't go on, his sobs swallowing the words he'd said far too many times. Nothing but broken "sorry" and "reki" could come out of his mouth as he tried to regain his speech. He tried everything he could, but the tears wouldn't stop, and Reki wouldn't stop skating away.
“Reki!”he cried in vain. Reki was slowly coming out of his peripheral vision, his rivers not helping him, making it more difficult to see. It was as if everything was blurry like a nightmare he couldn't wake up from.
“REKI REKI, REki reki”, he mumbled until the people next door heard him.
A strong pair of hands held Langa up, “hey there kiddo… what are you doing here at this time”
Langa couldn’t speak, all he could see was the road Reki skated off to.
“I saw reki… he h-e w-as talking-ng to me and w-e w-e were-e ska-ting, an-d”
“Langa, come inside” said a calmer voice slowly tainted with softness.
Slowly, with Kojiro's help, Langa entered the restaurant.
“Langa, I know it’s hard for you but please-e st-op”, wailed Miya. He was crying too, tears Langa got to see only once before he went off the grid.
“Re-ki would be”, regaining his voice “disappointed”
Langa could hear something shatter, maybe the others heard it too because they all looked at him.
Disappointed
Wasn’t he already disappointed by him? Didn't reki hate Langa, Langa wasn’t a good friend.
“He hates me. I w-as selfish. Reki hated me. No h-e hates me, I couldn’t even be a good friend. I used him… I used his love for skateboarding to to to”
I can’t finish the sentence. What could I finish it with? I can sense Kojiro and kaoru’s worried glances. Miya seemed angry but… he was still crying.
“Reki would’ve liked it, if you continued skating”
“He wouldn’t”
“He would”
“HE WOULDN’T!” I snapped.
All three pairs of eyes were focused on me. Kaoru opened his mouth only to close it and look at Kojiro, of course they had nothing to say. They don’t know reki like I do, can… I even say I know him?
Getting up and I started heading over to one of the places I’ve been dreading the most for 4 years.
Being in front of Reki's house felt surreal, it felt like just yesterday I dropped Reki off, ignoring his promise of not skating with Adam. It was different, everything was, the colors that used to shine disappeared, the noises that made this house special could not be heard, no Masae’s delicious food aroma filling the place. It looked dead… it was dead. Looking over I could catch a glimpse of Reki's workshop, without its usual light, and woods getting chopped and modeled. There wasn’t Reki's awful playlist that helped him stay awake, no Reki's silhouette moving around gathering whatever he needed to make the next best skateboard. Nothing. Nothing that illuminated Reki's soul in it.
Silence
It scared me, I wanted to run. To find Reki's real home. Where I could see Reki running around with his sisters. His mother scolds Koyomi to get out of her room. His grandma chilling at the front door admiring her garden. I wanted that ‘home’ feeling I always got when coming here. I needed it back. I need Reki back.
The silence reminded me of Reki's cemetery. It was dull, ugly and quiet, all the things Reki isn’t. I hated it, I hated how Reki was in a place he wasn’t supposed to be, not yet. It was too soon to fucking soon.
“Langa?”, came a soft voice. Startled, Langa started to walk away fast, scared this could be another illusion he isn’t ready to see.
“Langa wait please!”, screamed Masae
As if on cue, Langa’s feat stopped, refusing to listen to his brain.
“It’s been so long… Langa. Please come in hun”
His brain slowly made his vision go yellow. Warned him that he shouldn’t go on. He wasn’t ready to confront reki. What if he was still angry with him for breaking the promise?
Silence
Then something hit him, it could be realization or Masae worried glances. Reki wasn’t going to come out and greet him. He wasn’t even going to look at him. The last image Langa had was Reki's crying face in the rain and his colorless face in the hospital.
“Langa… do you want something to eat”
He nodded his head sideways, still looking at the floor.
“Still as quiet I see, some things don’t change”
She said it with little warmth to her voice but Langa heard it with a malicious tone. ‘Your silence is the reason he wasn’t happy’ ‘where is my son Langa?’ ‘Why isn’t he here with me’ ‘what made his beautiful smile disappear’.
She never said them. She never blamed Langa, she was the one who hugged him when Reki was in the hospital to calm him down until his mum arrived. She was the one who forced him to eat when he could stomach anything. She was there for him through all the little details until he ghosted her too.
But his brain had another story, with another Masae, the one who was pissed at him. Who hated him. Who wished Reki had never met Langa? That version of her satisfied Langa’s heart.
No one was blaming him. No one was angry with him.
No one except Miya.
He wanted to tell her his changes. He isn’t the same Langa that made Reki go, he was different. The new Langa would hold Reki like he was the most fragile and precious thing in the world. Now Langa would appreciate Reki and notice every little detail in his face. His happy face, his sad face, his worried face, his disgusted face, his blushing face, everything. But what would that achieve, that wouldn’t bring reki back. It was too late to change. Too late to keep broken promises.
One person was angry at him, that's what he wanted but he couldn’t face him. The one person who acted the way his heart deemed to be acted upon, he couldn’t face him. The word ‘coward’ played over and over again in his mind like a broken record.
“Langa, do you want to go to Reki's room?”, she asked, like the room wasn’t the abdomen of hell to Langa.
Langa couldn’t come to the house let alone enter Reki's room. Hesitantly he shook his head sideways again.
“Go dear, there is something for you on the table”
His heart started to beat faster. Something for him? Reki wasn’t home now, it all makes sense. Reki was out because he was pissed at him, but still wanted to communicate with him. Maybe it’s a letter explaining why he is mad at him, what he should do to make things better.
Ignoring Masae, he ran towards Reki's room. Upon opening the door, his knees gave out. The memories rushed out of the door as if they were locked in there, trapped.
Reki on his bed reading a skating magazine for the 100th time.
Reki fixed his skateboard’s wheels on his table, under his school books scattered around.
Reki wearing his usual bright yellow hoodie smiling at Langa “welcome to my room, Langa”
Slowly Langa crawled in, not trusting his legs. Slowly he went towards the table where a letter was neatly laid. He slowly took it as if it was fragile glass that could break.
…
Dude (scribble) langa
Said the first word, he could hear reki’s voice as crystal as the seas that day. Man, you’re awesome. Maybe a little too awesome to be my friend. I guess,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I hate punctuation I’m not going to use them I mean you will never get to read this so………… it doesN'T MATTER Anyways, um dude your awesome and I guess my insecurities are showing up because I can’t talk to you like normal no more The day you told me you wouldn’t skate with Adam I saw it I mean not physically you had your normal face on lol But I could see the adrenaline creeping on to your face
That was me when I skated for the first time I wasn’t scared it was fun And I guess skating with Adam is the same feeling for you I would never understand how and why you would do that Man what were you doing in Canada to be excited to skate with Adam
Well… bottom line is… I had a friend who I started skateboarding with RANDOM I know but stay with me (you won’t be reading this why do I keep saying this ;/)
He quit skateboard because of an accident that happened That hurt because he stopped being friends with me Loneliness can make you feel and do many things I tried to fill it with fake things that got me in trouble I guess S was a healthy kind of way to fill the hole Kind of I don’t really know dude it just made me happy
And when you came You made me happy
So happy to skate with someone So happy to go to S with someone Someone to sneak out with Someone to go to the skatepark with Someone to skate around the school halls with But I guess that’s just me You obviously didn’t want to skate with a noob like me You obviously wanted to skate with someone like Adam Miya shadow I really want to see a skating match between you and cherry It would be soooooo cool like imagine -0-
Bottom line is me you no good match I don’t know if I want to give you this letter or tell you I have a feeling if I tell you I would bring the promise you broke
I mean that was unreasonable of me to do that But I was worried I mean any friend will right ? Maybe because I haven’t had a friend for so long I overstepped my boundaries If I did I’m sorry Langa really dude
Re-reading after talking to you, I think it was waaaay better If I gave you the letter I mean… does it matter if you're still skating at S and even against Joe, which awesome dude? That man is buff so be careful… bhwdifbwnejn Overstepping again sorry ⍡ I don’t know if you care but I got eliminated… I wanted to try but I was boozed out so fast but I guess Adam knew I would be a waste of time and space he made it abundantly clear that time I had a beef with him
Imagine your idol a person you looked up to says your not cut out for this a thing that has helped you in many ways skateboarding wasn’t just a hobby it was my everything like how becoming your friend became my everything but I guess people like me can’t complain if I liked it so much I should’ve trained harder but it was f..un you see skating around the wind in your face you didn’t need massive tricks and all to feel the wind all you need was to skate fast enough the trill came when you beef with other but than also skating was fun
Wrinkles were more evident in this part, evidence of tears making their way into his words. Langa was crying wrinkling the paper more but decided you would hear Reki afraid his voice would disappear.
I never knew skill was that important well… of course I wouldn’t I was just as dumb and useless a magnet to mishap Its hard Langa, when a person you admired you and ‘used to’ Adam both show you that your happy pillar isn’t yours
I can’t blame you dude I can’t take you down with me what kind of friend (the word friend was scribbled over) classmate would I be
I miss you dude I really do but now that I’m out of the picture I want you to know I don’t hate you I don’t I do not know if you think that way but I just wanted it out there I like you I treasure our time together it will be a memory I will hold dearly making sure my insecurities don’t taint it. I promise I will. I just want you to have a successful skating life and I hope you always get to be happy. I guess that will be my last wish. Be happy, promise me this, don't force yourself to be happy. I mean if you want but try to be happy. Try to find a happy pillar for when you get sad to turn around too. Just make sure it isn’t a temporary one like mine, okay?
Bye love you friend… reki
Langa broke down right there and then he was crying when he started the letter tears of sadness was falling but now it was relief. Reki didn’t hate him, reki likes him he said he didn’t hate him. And that repeated in his head, he didn’t mind it, he wanted the whole letter to stay repeating in his mind to feel reki’s pain his trembling hands when writing this. He wanted to feel reki so much he sat there hugging the letter as if it was reki. He cried and cried till his eyes could give out no more. Climbing onto reki’s bed his smell was still there vibrant and fresh as if he was here a minute ago. He was, he always will be next to Langa. Not in a physical form where everyone can see him but Langa can and that’s all that mattered to him. That’s all he needed.
Inhaling reki’s scent, happy memories of reki flooded in, his expression when Langa first landed his ollie. Reki smiled at him in class when he came back from lunch. Reki snickering in class while the teacher is talking about god knows what. Reki smiled his vibrant sunshine smile that Langa loved and missed so much. Those were all he needed; those were going to be his happy pillars. “Your my happy pillar reki”, Langa softly whispered, falling asleep and dreaming of reki.
“You..r m-y pill-ar”