Chapter Text
(11:45am)
I fucking hate him.
Yoongi knows that’s not actually true. Unfortunately. It’s just that he’s having a really shitty day. He stubbed his toe on the way out of the house this morning. He submitted his final paper two minutes past the deadline. He’s finally done with this fucking school year, but for some reason, he doesn’t feel any sense of completion. Just resentment and dread. Resentment towards all the teachers who took their midlife crises out on him and TA’s that made his life a living hell. But Yoongi would do all of it again if it meant he didn’t have to go home.
I fucking hate him, Yoongi thinks as he stares out the train window, gaze fixated on the trees in the distance to distract himself from the feeling of his eyes prickling with tears.
It’s their anniversary today. Not of the day they got together, that was months later. Not of their first kiss or their first time or anything any regular person would keep track of. Yoongi never even told anyone about that day.
It’s the anniversary of the day Yoongi looked at him and knew if Hobi ever left him, Yoongi’s concept of love and happiness would go with him too.
How fucking ironic. He feels the first tear rolling down his cheek. An old lady gives him an odd look from across the aisle and Yoongi glares back at her defiantly until she clears her throat uncomfortably and looks away.
He’s not usually like this. He got through the last month just fine. Sure, maybe he drank more than he should have, made out with a few people he wasn’t really attracted to, pulled a few too many all-nighters. Forgive him if he’s not a fucking saint.
He should’ve gotten some shitty research job so he could have stayed at school this summer. Or done volunteer work in some random-ass country. Anything but going home. Because Hobi is all over it. Sitting in front of Yoongi’s building waiting for him, hopping on the counter to stick his finger into whatever Yoongi’s cooking, sleeping in Yoongi’s queen sized bed he saved for months to get.
Hobi’s all over everything.
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(four years ago)
Yoongi is an awkward kid, and he’s proud of it. He does fine in school, although he never cared much for most subjects. Friends are overrated; he’d rather spend his time reading mangas and playing the piano anyway. He keeps his head down most of the time, except when people fuck with him -- in which case they quickly learn Yoongi might be a skinny nerd but he’s got quick reflexes, a brown belt in taekwondo, and doesn’t give a fuck about being friendly or likeable.
Except when it comes to Hobi. Hobi with his big smile and loud laugh that makes Yoongi feel all warm inside. Hobi who dances like he has no bones, who sang at the talent show as a joke but actually sounded pretty fucking amazing.
Yoongi watches as Hobi walks down the hall as he’s opening his locker. Hobi greets people left and right like he does every day, stopping to sign someone’s yearbook. The girl smiles and says something to him, and then he hands his yearbook to her to sign. He smiles at her, squeezing her arm, and then continues walking down the hall. And now he’s looking straight at Yoongi, a little puzzled, a little amused. Fuck . Subtlety has never been Yoongi’s strength. He turns towards his locker and fiddles with the lock frantically. His key won’t budge.
“Hey,” he hears from behind, distinctly Hobi’s energetic yet somehow calming voice.
Yoongi turns around cautiously, wearing a sheepish smile. “Heyy,” he says awkwardly.
Hobi grins at him, which makes Yoongi’s heart skip a beat. “Will you sign my yearbook?”
Yoongi almost snorts at that (seriously? Him signing Hobi ’s yearbook?), but stops himself because Hobi looks like he actually means it.
“Sure,” he says, clearing his throat and taking Hobi’s yearbook. If it’s possible, Hobi beams even more at that.
There isn’t much space left on the page. Students have scribbled compliments and good wishes and hearts in every corner. Which isn’t surprising, of course. Everyone loves Hobi.
He finds a free spot, and writes down Hobi, have a great summer! in his measly handwriting. The message sounds fucking generic and insincere, he knows, but with Hobi looking at him and waiting intently, it’s all he can muster.
“Here you go,” he mumbles, looking back up and handing Hobi his yearbook awkwardly. “I took up the last few centimeters of space, you’re gonna need a new yearbook if you want more people to sign it.”
Hobi laughs brightly at that and punches him in the shoulder lightly. Yoongi stares back at him dumbly. He didn’t mean it as a joke.
There’s another moment of silence as Hobi looks at him expectantly.
“Oh,” Yoongi says abruptly. “Oh yeah, you wanna sign mine too?”
“Sure,” Hobi says, his smile turning a bit softer. Yoongi clears his throat again and hands over his yearbook. Hobi opens the last page, where about three people have written notes -- just his brother, Namjoon, and Jimin, who was only here because he’s taking ninth grade geometry. Hobi doesn’t mention it though, just takes out his pen and starts writing. His eyes scrunch a bit when he’s concentrating, and he bites his lip. His bangs don’t quite reach his eyebrows, but they curl perfectly around his forehead. He’s really pretty, Yoongi thinks. I hope he knows it.
“Done,” Hobi says cheerily, jolting Yoongi out of his trance. Hobi hands him back his yearbook. “Hey, I’ve seen your friends at the pool a few times now, you ever go with them?”
“What friends?” Yoongi says blankly, and Hobi giggles again.
“Those eighth graders who always hung around you last year. Jimin, and I forget the other one other one’s name.”
“Jungkook,” Yoongi replies.
“Right,” Hobi says, “sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Yoongi reassures, “he’s a bit shy, doesn’t talk much.” Not that I’m one to talk, Yoongi thinks.
Hobi nods understandingly. “Anyway, I’m working as a lifeguard this summer, and I was just hoping I’d see around. And maybe when my shift ends, we can get ice cream or something.”
Yoongi can feel himself flush and hopes it’s not too noticeable. “Yeah, uh, sure.” Usually, you wouldn’t catch him at the pool dead or alive. Now, he can’t think of a better place to spend his summer.
“Great!” Hobi says, and his big smile has returned. “So just give me a call when you’re up for it, okay?” He touches Yoongi’s shoulder once more before heading further down the hall. Yoongi’s heart skips another beat.
“Wait!” Yoongi calls after. “I don’t have your number!”
Hobi turns around once more with a sly grin. “Check again,” he says cheekily before he turns a corner and is out of sight.
Yoongi looks after him for a moment, baffled, before opening his yearbook to the last page.
Yoongi. I’ve always admired your musical abilities, your last piano recital was killer. And you probably don’t wanna be reminded of this, but contrary to popular belief, I thought your seventh grade talent show rap about climate change was legendary. We would make a good duo. Plus you’re kinda cute :D give me a call sometime, yeah? 599-433-5467 <3
Yoongi didn’t know it was possible to be this red.
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(12:52pm)
His train is delayed by 45 minutes. Of fucking course it is. Yoongi puts his bags down with a huff. Why the fuck did he bring a duffle bag? Now his back hurts, and his arms are tired.
If Hobi were here, he would laugh for about a minute about Yoongi’s idiotic choice to bring a duffle bag. But not in a way that would make Yoongi feel stupid. Rather, Hobi would find it endearing, like he does -- did -- all of Yoongi’s flaws. And then he would kiss Yoongi’s pout away and carry the duffle bag for him the rest of the trip.
But Hobi isn’t here, and Yoongi should know better than to fantasize about alternative worlds where nothing happened.
What hurts most is that deep down, he knew it would happen. That Hobi would move on. That Hobi would love Yoongi only when the circumstances were right. Only when it was easy.
Maybe that isn’t exactly fair. Hobi tried. But he also saw giving up as an option. He saw moving on as an option, as if they weren’t worth fighting for. As if Yoongi wasn’t worth fighting for.
Maybe it’s always been this way, Yoongi thinks as he takes his suitcase and heads down the escalator to warm himself up. All those times it scared him how much he loved Hobi -- how much he wanted to build his life around him -- because there was no way in hell Hobi felt as strongly about him. And Hobi would give him this look every time he brought it up, a look that said that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and would tackle him to the bed and smother him in kisses until he had to come up for air. And in those moments, he believed Hobi. In those moments, he trusted him to stay no matter what.
How fucking naive.
------
(three years ago)
Hobi is his friend. Maybe even his best friend, but nothing more. Sure, Hobi wrote he was cute in his yearbook last summer. Sure, Yoongi can feel Hobi’s eyes linger after him sometimes when he walks away. And sure, Hobi smiles that special smile when he’s around Yoongi, the one that says I’m happier when you’re here and makes Yoongi’s chest fill with warmth. But they’re friends.
So Yoongi has no reason to be upset as he sees Hobi put his arm around Yongsun from across the school courtyard. She’s perfectly nice. They’d make a cute couple. Yoongi doesn’t know why his fists are balled.
He turns around and walks away in an attempt to stay calm. Deep breaths, he thinks, but his eyes are already filled with tears. He shouldn't have let himself believe he was special. Hobi makes everyone feel special.
He walks home faster than he ever has, taking quick strides and not daring to look back. He knows Hobi isn’t behind him, trying to catch up with him like he did that day in early fall, when they lay in the leaves of Yoongi’s yard and watched the sun set. Or the time Hobi tackled Yoongi from behind on his birthday and gave him a cupcake Yoongi loves but that is always gone when Yoongi gets to the cafeteria. Today, Hobi isn’t behind him.
He gets home, walks past his mom without so much as a grunt hello, and slams his door behind him. His mom will probably give him hell for being rude at dinner time, but he doesn’t care right now, just puts on his headphones and shuts out the world.
Fuck him. I don’t care.
The song ends and Yoongi hears Hobi’s voice. “Good afternoon, Ms. Min. Could I see Yoongi for a moment?”
Yoongi jolts upright and takes off his headphones.
“Certainly, Hoseok-ah. Did you two have a fight or something? He seemed awfully upset.”
“Ah, we’re okay. I’ll go talk to him and we’ll work it out. Thank you, Ms. Min.”
Yoongi wipes his cheeks furiously, as if to remove the traces of his tears.
A soft knock on his door.
“Hyung? Can I come in?” Hobi sounds tentative and unsure, which hurts Yoongi’s heart for some fucking reason.
“Mhm,” Yoongi mumbles, and Hobi peaks his head through the door. He closes the door behind him carefully and sits down next to Yoongi on his twin sized bed. They stay there for a moment, avoiding each other’s eyes.
Then Yoongi starts. “I’m sorry, I just --” Yoongi manages, before Hobi interrupts him.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” he says, and Yoongi looks over at him, baffled. Hobi looks back at him, and smiles. He places his hand on Yoongi’s and a jolt runs through Yoongi’s body. “You mean more to me than anyone else,” Hobi says quietly.
Yoongi’s heart is beating so loud in his ears he fears Hobi might hear it too. You mean more to me than anyone else. But it’s not just that. It’s the unspoken things between them. Yoongi has no right to decide who Hobi puts his arm around. But Hobi saw him from across the field as he was flirting with Yongsun, saw the hurt in Yoongi’s body language, and left her there to follow Yoongi home and apologize .
That’s not what friends do. And friends don’t look at each other the way Hobi is looking at Yoongi.
Hobi is affectionate with everyone, sure, but this is different . It has to be different.
Hobi looks away then, clears his throat and says he’s going to ask his mom for some snacks. He turns back one more time before he leaves the room. “Don’t go anywhere, yeah?” he says, trying to look serious, but Yoongi can see the smile tugging on his lips.
His eyes follow Hobi as he walks out the door, and a warm, fuzzy feeling fills Yoongi’s chest. I couldn’t if I wanted to .
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(1:25pm)
The train is crowded. So much for sitting and enjoying his coffee. Yoongi stands against the wall, keeping his bag between his legs so people have room to pass.
Group chat: yoongi’s two-and-a-half friends
Jimin: yoongi-hyung, when are you arriving home?
Yoongi smiles and texts Jimin back.
Me: actually on the train back right now
Jimin: oh, awesome! maybe we can all hang out tomorrow :D
Me: yeah. yeah, that would be nice
Namjoon: hey, what about me?! i’m only arriving on monday!
Jungkook: you don’t count, hyung! you’re too cool to hang out with us now that you’re a fancy international ivy league kid :P
Namjoon: ugh that’s gonna be the running joke all summer, isn’t it
Jimin: yup, get used to it
Yoongi huffs out a laugh. For the first time in a while, he feels a sense of normalcy. This summer can’t be that bad. He has his friends.
Jungkook: speaking of home for the summer, guess who i ran into this morning
Jimin: that gamer kid you were crushing on junior year?
Jungkook: shut up, no
Namjoon: then who?
Jungkook: hoseok-hyung
Yoongi’s smile fades quickly, and he feels all relaxation leave his body.
Namjoon: oh shit
Jungkook: yeah
Jimin: … how is he?
Jungkook: he seemed fine. we didn’t talk long though
Jungkook: he asked how hyung was doing
Yoongi grits his teeth. Of course Hobi’s just fine, acting like the considerate ex that “just wants to check in” after breaking Yoongi’s heart but doesn't have the balls to reach out directly. What an asshole.
Jungkook: hyung, maybe you should reach out him. and, you know, talk things through
Me: why the fuck would i do that
Jungkook: because it’s been a month? and maybe it would help you get some closure
Jimin: and maybe you guys could work towards being friends? i’d hate to see you not be in each other’s lives at all :(
Yoongi doesn’t want fucking closure. He doesn’t want Hobi’s apologies or sympathy. And he definitely doesn’t want to be friends. If Hobi doesn’t want him, that’s fine, but Yoongi gave Hobi his all and Hobi rejected him, so Yoongi doesn’t have anything left to give. Fuck him, he doesn’t deserve Yoongi’s friendship.
In retrospect, Yoongi should have sensed it. He had this naive fucking optimism that things would always stay the same. That nothing would change the way they felt about each other. Hobi was a master at making Yoongi feel safe and loved.
But in retrospect, Hobi never made any promises, or ever implied anything about the future. He preferred living in the moment.
The thing is, nobody would look at Hobi and think he’s the type to be scared of commitment. He was just about as out as he could get, and was never afraid to hold Yoongi’s hand in public or dance with him in front of the entire school. He told Yoongi he loved him more than Yoongi ever dared to say it back. He almost said it casually, like it wasn’t a big deal, and Yoongi sometimes wondered whether it meant the same thing that Yoongi meant when he said it. Hobi’s love was louder than Yoongi’s -- but it wasn’t as strong.
Hobi lives in the moment too much, Yoongi thinks. So much so that the past doesn’t affect him anymore. That he can act like he and Yoongi never happened. Like he doesn’t need to hold on to anyone from his old life, because a new life now -- new city, new friends, a new boyfriend or girlfriend for all Yoongi knows. Hobi is a social chameleon, and friends are replaceable.
But that’s fucking lonely, Yoongi thinks. Because at the end of the day, all you’re left with is shallow, circumstantial relationships with people who will drop you when it’s convenient for them. No one to grow with, to share your life with.
Maybe Yoongi’s the other extreme, but he prefers it that way. He prefers being a loser at school with three friends who he knows will stick by him no matter what. He loves to reminisce with Namjoon about the days they used to play in the streets, to coo at Jungkook about how cute he used to be (much to Jungkook’s annoyance), to laugh with Jimin about how much they changed throughout high school. Yoongi wouldn’t change that for all the fake friends in the world.
-------
(one year ago)
Hobi bursts into Yoongi’s room without notice -- not an unusual occurrence, except he opens the door with so much momentum it slams against the wall. Hobi yelps a bit at his own force, but then refocuses his attention on Yoongi, tackling him to the bed in one swift movement.
“What? What is it?” Yoongi manages, laughing as Hobi rolls them around their queen sized bed.
Hobi stops rolling them and hovers above Yoongi. “I got into … I got off the waitlist,” he says, his voice coming out softly, like if he says it too loudly, it won’t come true.
“You… you got in?” Yoongi says incredulously, and Hobi smiles again, albeit a bit tensely. “Oh my god, Hobi, that’s incredible!” he laughs out, and now he’s the one tackling Hobi to the bed. Hobi laughs softly, and holds onto Yoongi tighter. Yoongi can feel tension in his body, so he pulls back.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Yoongi says, concerned. This is all Hobi’s been talking about for months. It’s his dream school.
Hobi shrugs, and Yoongi can see the sadness in his eyes. “Nothing,” Hobi says. “It’s just… it’s a lot farther away than we thought I’d be.”
Yoongi strokes his cheek, still grinning from ear to ear. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll make it work. Hobi, this is your dream. You have to go,” Hobi doesn’t look convinced, so Yoongi continues. “We’ll make a time to talk every day, no matter how busy we are. And we’ll send each other at least one selfie a day, even if we look like shit. And we can use the money from our summer jobs to visit each other at least once a month.”
Hobi’s eyes start to water a little. “Long-distance relationships, they’re… they’re hard. Like my sister and Kibum hyung. People change when they’re apart, especially when they’re young, and then it’s just not the same anymore.”
Yoongi sighs and lies down next to Hobi. Hobi shifts and reaches out for his hand.
“I don’t see that happening to us,” Yoongi says. “People grow apart because they start having different priorities. But I know my priority will always be you. No matter where we are.”
Hobi tears up even more at that and holds Yoongi’s hand in both of his own. “I love you,” he says after a moment, and then he really starts to cry. “You know I love you, right?”
Yoongi wipes away his tears, kisses him and tells him of course he knows.
“We’ll get through it,” Yoongi repeats over and over as Hobi cries into his shirt. “We’ll figure it out.”