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Well, this is awkward.
You press yourself into the wall, tucking your legs against your chest. Behind you, music pours from the speakers, muffled by glass sliding doors that lead from the kitchen to the outdoor deck. Maybe if you’re quiet enough, they won’t notice you huddled right next to the stairs, just feet away from their lawn chairs. Fingers wrapped tight against your wine cooler, you feel your heart beating in your palms.
“Wait, you’re serious? Joshua’s taken?” The girl slumps in her seat. Her words ring clear in the night air. “I mean, it makes sense. There’s no way a guy like him can be single, but man, I was hoping.”
You don’t remember her name, but you’ve seen her before. Waist-length mermaid hair and a cute face all the upperclassmen adore. She asked to borrow a pen from you once and actually returned it after class, so she can’t be that bad. It doesn’t make it any less strange, hearing her gush for the past ten minutes about your boyfriend and her attempts at flirting with him.
“S’okay, I was in the same boat.” The guy next to her sighs and takes a swig of beer. “Confessed to him after baseball season only to find out he started dating someone a few days before. I think you have a class with them. His partner.”
Her spine straightens. Jungle juice sloshes onto the wooden planks in her haste. “Really? Who is it?”
“Uh, you know Y/N? They always go around with a canvas bag and a black water bottle, like, this big.”
Silence. Then a disappointed groan.
“Them? Yeah, I know Y/N. They sit a few rows behind me in Intro,” she says. She licks absently at the alcohol trickling down her wrist. “Are you sure, though? Josh is super popular, and they’re…I mean, I’m sure they’re cool, but—” she waves a hand — “those two don’t really match, y’know?”
You suck in a breath. Thankfully, it’s drowned out by the rising sounds of cheers inside. Someone must’ve won the beer pong tournament.
They don’t match him, y’know? Y’know? Y’know? You know she doesn’t mean it maliciously. Her tone was more curious than accusatory. The words still rattle in your head. You should’ve made your presence known earlier. Y’know?
Of course you know. You’ve been saying this — to yourself, to Josh, to your best friends — ever since he asked you out, and it took so long for him to convince you otherwise. You thought you worked through this, but something about tonight, whether it be the alcohol in your system or the smell of late autumn rain, makes the familiar ache return.
You drop your head onto crossed arms.
The door slides open, hitting the wall with a bang. The eruption of bass-boosted speakers and chants of Chug! Chug! Chug! only lasts seconds before the door closes again, but the newcomer’s laugh is easily recognizable.
“Hey, Taehyun! Jieun!”
Ah, so those were their names. You don’t have to look up to know they jumped to their feet.
“Josh, hey!” Taehyun calls out. There’s shuffling as someone moves. “You want my seat? I was just going inside.”
“Nah, I’m looking for Y/N. They came out for some fresh air, but I think we’re leaving soon, so my friends wanted to say bye. Have you seen them?”
You peek at their reactions. Joshua’s hands are stuffed in his pockets, shoulders raised to block out the night chill. Despite the flush on his face, his eyes are bright and clear, looking at the other two expectantly.
“Y/N? They were out here?” Jieun glances at Taehyun, alarmed. “Do you think they heard…”
Taehyun clears his throat. “We haven’t seen them. Maybe they went back inside?”
Joshua shakes his head. “They would’ve looked for me first,” he says. He looks around. “That’s weird.”
It should be dark enough, right? Maybe you can send him a text when he goes back inside. Make up a lie about being in the bathroom and then meeting him up out front. The lawn is dotted with path lights, but they’re far enough to keep you in shadow. You press yourself further into the wall, ignoring how the ridges dig into your shoulder.
“Hey, Y/N!” Joshua yells out.
That’s cheating. The sudden exclamation jolts you, and the gravel beneath your shoe slips. And because nothing is going your way tonight, your boyfriend looks over and meets your gaze immediately. He shoots you a smile. Charming and adorably boy-ish with how the wind ruffles his hair.
Taehyun’s and Jieun’s expressions are much more sheepish. They give you a nod before rushing back to the party. Kiss & Make Up by Dua Lipa is playing right now, the beats thumping out a rhythm that’s much faster than your heart. Joshua makes his way over and crouches in front of you.
“You look a little sick, Peaches,” he says, easing the drink from your hands. You didn’t realize how tight your grip was until his fingers rub at sore knuckles. “Everything okay? Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened. I’m alright.”
He doesn’t believe you, that much is obvious. He doesn’t push it, though. “Soonyoung wanted to catch up a bit before we bounced, but if you’re not feeling well…” He trails off, swiping at your cheek. “I can tell him we’re leaving. No need to strain yourself.”
“I can say hello,” you insist.
He scans your face before shaking his head. “Nope, let’s just go home,” he says, offering you a hand. “C’mon, we’ll go out through the side gate.”
Joshua pulls you to your feet and, threading his fingers through yours, guides you through the bushes to find the small gravel path leading out of the property. He tosses both your drinks in the outside trash can. The cold night air fills your lungs, pushing out every thought except the ones you’re actively trying to avoid, and with your buzz fading away, the feelings are sharp, digging into your confidence.
His shoulders are wide. You’ve known this, but the letterman jacket fits him, making his shoulders appear even wider. Despite their size, you wonder if they’re strong enough to carry your burdens.
As if feeling the weight of your stare, he stops and spins on his heel, hand still not leaving yours.
“What’s wrong?”
You startle, dropping your eyes to the pavement. “Nothing’s wrong,” you say. He’s always been good at sniffing out your moods.
The moonlight reflects off a piece of glass. Probably left from a broken beer bottle. You kick at it, watching it shimmer and shift between concrete cracks. You stop when Josh steps closer, the toes of his shoes nudging against yours.
“Look at me, Y/N.”
You do. His brows are furrowed, and you hate how concerned he looks, brown hair mussed away from his face. You reach up to smooth away the lines in his forehead, smiling faintly when he leans into your touch.
“Are you okay?” he says softly, not breaking your gaze. “Did something happen back there with Taehyun and Jieun? Did they say something?”
Part of you wants to lie, to brush him off with a laugh and point to the diner down the road. But when he looks at you like this, how can you lie? Stepping forward to lean against him, you sigh.
“Why are you with me?” you ask. His arms come up to cradle you, rocking back and forth as you sigh again. “What do you see in me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you know they’re both interested in you? Jieun’s so pretty, and Taehyun is so much better at socializing.” You grip at his jacket, hoping he understands without you saying more. “And hearing them talk made me wonder: what do you see in me?”
He hums, thinking. His heartbeat is steady against your hands.
“A future,” he finally says.
You pull back to see his face. Wind tossed hair, moonlit eyes, flushed cheeks, and so much adoration for you it takes your breath away.
“I wish you’d stop worrying about what other people said, Peaches.” He presses a kiss to your forehead, murmuring against your skin. “There’s always going to be people smarter or better looking or more athletic or more talented than either of us — that’s just how life works. There’s only one you, though, and only one me. Only one us. It’s hard, but please remember that my heart is yours and yours alone.”
You don’t know how long you both stand there, but when you ease out of his hold, you feel lighter. He’s right. There will always be Jieuns and Taehyuns, but for you, there will only be one Joshua.
“You’re too good to me,” you say.
“Right back at you.” He tilts his head down the street. “Diner fries?”