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It takes Ink an embarrassing amount of time to figure out what's going on. Even after she asks Pa - can't stop herself, compelled by whatever reason - if there's anyone hitting on her, she still has no idea. It's when she's alone in her room, the feeling of Pa's silky smooth hair still on her fingertips, that the dots connect. The compliments that won't stop spilling from her own lips, the teasing, the protective instinct she feels around her, it all starts making sense. It's not the first time she's had a crush on a girl, not by a long shot, and it might not be the last; it's just that she's usually much quicker at noticing. The flirting should have been a dead giveaway. Ink enjoys flirting with boys, the meaner the better, watching them grow hopeful and awkward around her until she turns them down with a cute smile. She never flirts with girls unless she means it, though.
She blames her friendship with Pat for her obliviousness. Her brain must have sister-of-childhood-friend-zoned Pa, preventing her from seeing what was right in front of her. She usually doesn't let herself fall for straight girls, either. Pa, with her pretty skirts and soft hair and light perfume, could never like someone like Ink. (Except for the fact that Pa had said she could like someone taller than her, and had looked up at Ink with her big bright eyes-)
Ink could totally like Pa, though. Clumsy, stubborn, kind and oh so brilliant. She could like someone like Pa and she's pretty sure she does, and she has no idea what to do with it.
She's Pa's senior, she's supposed to look after her and protect her from creepy guys, but now she feels like she's the creep trying to recall how soft Pa's hand had felt in hers, what her shampoo had smelled like when they had hugged, how red her cheeks had gotten when Ink had suggested asking Pat for his permission to court her.
That had been so silly of her. Pa has probably figured it out now, she's faster than Ink when it comes to this stuff, she'll never want to see her again.
Oh shit, maybe Ink should apologize.
She could text an apology for being so forward and pray Pa hasn't reported her for harassment yet. Now that Pat has figured his own feelings out and doesn't think he's in love with Ink anymore he wouldn't hesitate to do anything to protect his sister. Ink is so screwed.
Her brain supplies her with another memory of Pa jumping down a step and landing a breath away from Ink's face, smiling while telling her about how she doesn't have high expectations. Just someone taller than her, she had said. She had said that after getting down from that little perch, after lowering her height so that Ink would be once again towering over her.
Ink can't afford to get lost daydreaming over it. It was probably nothing. They were both joking around, no serious intentions behind it. Then Pa had looked at her, blushing and smiling and so happy, and Ink had left her there, speed walked to her room and proceeded to pace around for a solid twenty minutes before reaching her epiphany.
Pa is Pat's little sister. She used to wear big glasses and tie her hair up, and she used to let Pat boss her around and she'd do his chores for him but now she's all grown up and she's determined and passionate and won't let Pat tell her what to do. If grown up Pa liked Ink she wouldn't need her brother's permission-
But she definitely doesn't, that's the thing. Boys like Ink because they know they can't have her, because they feel like she's one of them, a reckless mess who sometimes swears and can chug more beers than most of them. Pretty girls don't like Ink. Pa doesn't like Ink.
But maybe, just maybe, she should give it a try. If Pa still wants to talk to her after this, if Pa doesn't turn down her invites to lunch, if Pa doesn't shy away from her touch, if she still seeks her out and follows her around, maybe Ink won't lose hope.
There's always been something in the way Pa looked at her, even when they were in high school. A sort of reverent glint, a hint of curiosity that Ink had always interpreted as admiration. Maybe Pa had wanted to be like her when she grew up, maybe she had envied her confidence and style. She had seen her as a role model, following her advice and joining the same Faculty and clubs as her. But if a boy had given Ink all his undivided attention for years, if a boy had stared at her with such joy and adoration every time they were together… Well, Ink would question it. Clumsy Pa turning even clumsier when she's close to Ink, confident Pa stuttering and blushing near her, independent Pa asking for help and acting clueless to get Ink to assist her. A whirlwind of moments blows through Ink's thoughts, scattering them around like dried leaves.
She should do something about it. She should be more careful, more attentive, more deliberate with her actions. Ink needs to figure it out, needs to understand if what she's now only guessing has a possibility of being real. And if it does, if it is, Ink needs to do something about it.
She gets lost daydreaming about a parallel universe where everything has been figured out and she’s allowed to hold Pa’s hand whenever she wants. A universe where they both know that hand holding means more than friends, more than mentor and mentee, more than senior and junior. In that universe she can have lunch with Pa and call it a date, she can have dinner with her and Pat and Pran and every kiss the two boys exchange in front of them gets paid back by an equally mushy one between the two girls. In that universe she falls asleep holding Pa, feels her soft breath on her skin and wakes up with a tangled mess of hair in her face. And oh, does she want that. The full weight of the realization hits her, and it must have been weeks or months of holding back because it’s so strong it knocks the wind out of her.
There’s no going back now that she has pictured it clear as day. She knows her heart won’t rest until she’s found an answer, and she knows that getting turned down will shatter her. But on the off chance that Pa might be just a little bit interested too, just in case she’d like to try for a little bit… Well, Ink has to be brave.
She’ll take a step forward, because pretty, stubborn, clumsy Pa is worth it. She’ll try again.