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It's hard dating Boo Seungkwan.
And Chan doesn't mean that in an insolent way. It's one of the reasons he fell in love with him, and never once regretted it. There's so many things about Seungkwan that made Chan love him. He's patient, caring, emotional in the sense he'll sympathise with anything Chan goes through, and overall, perfect for him.
The only thing about Seungkwan he doesn't understand is the fact that they've been hiding their relationship from their members since they began dating.
Almost two months.
"New year's is soon," Chan says casually to Seungkwan, wrapping his arms around the older man, who was busy working on a composition. Chan kisses down his neck gently, his breath creating a trail of goosebumps down Seungkwan's arm. "Everyone is arranging a party for it."
They were in Jihoon's studio, but Jihoon didn't need to know that. Sometimes, they snuck around just so they could be alone, and Jihoon's studio was perfect for that because the walls were soundproof. Plus, they always made sure that Jihoon had already been in his studio at least once, because he's the type to get his work done all at once. Chan also made Seungkwan sneak out of the dorms during midnight once, and it was the most blissful moment for them, because it was snowing and despite the weather being extremely cold, they kept each other warm. They ended up making snow angels and stared at the stars together, all while sharings kisses underneath the pitch black sky.
Seungkwan hums, "Are you excited for it?"
"Of course. I get to spend it with my favourite people and my boyfriend."
"Channie, stop that," Seungkwan hisses when the dancer presses a wet kiss right under his ear. "It tickles!" he exclaims, Chan giggling in response.
Seungkwan spins in his desk chair, glaring. "You're getting it!" he shouts, shoving Chan into the small but comfortable sofa, so fast Chan felt a little dizzy. Nonetheless, he laughs as Seungkwan begins tickling him without any mercy, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. "This is entirely your fault. I won't stop until you apologize!"
"Okay—I… I'm sorry! Stop, please, I can't take it," Chan pushes Seungkwan away, gasping for air.
But Seungkwan doesn't budge, instead, he leans closer until their noses are touching, and they could feel each other's breaths. They were in a strange position, Seungkwan in between Chan's legs, while he was practically cornering the younger man between him and the couch. Chan's eyes scan Seungkwan's. There's so many emotions in them, spiraling. Chan could see how much love he has for him, the fond smile adorning his features not faltering. He couldn't help it, Chan leans up and connects their lips, his palms immediately cupping Seungkwan's cheeks. The singer doesn't hesitate to kiss back, his hand dragging down Chan's body, resting it as his hip. It was gentle and they created a perfect contrast; Seungkwan's slightly chapped lips against Chan's soft ones.
As they were getting lost in the feeling, Chan heard someone outside the studio, and the familiar sound of someone pressing a code into the keypad. Beep, beep, beep. Seungkwan pulled away and looked up to see the doorknob turning, and he instantly jumped away from Chan. His eyes were wide when Jihoon walked in, Chan in a similar situation. Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows, looking between the two of them. He lingered on Chan, before he asked slowly, "What's wrong? And why are the both of you in my studio?"
"Because… Seungkwan made me do it!" Chan pointed at him, and Seungkwan's mouth fell open in disbelief.
"No I didn't! This was your idea!"
"Are you seriously lying to Jihoon hyung?"
Seungkwan scoffed, "Don't make me hurt you, Chan."
"You couldn't even if you wanted to—"
Jihoon watched as they argued back and forth, and it was amusing at first, but now it's just annoying. "Stop talking! Look, I honestly don't care anymore, just get out of my studio now. I have some work to do."
After Jihoon kicked them out, Chan waited patiently until the door closed fully, before he looked at Seungkwan with a raised eyebrow. "So… what was that?"
"What was what?"
Chan sighed, "Why did you get nervous when Jihoon hyung walked in?"
"You were nervous too!"
"Please, hyung. I'm not trying to start anything," Chan reaches out for Seungkwan's hand. "Why can't we just tell them?"
Seungkwan looked tense, and he clenched his jaw as if he was stressed. "Channie… you already know. Just a little longer, please?"
"You said the same thing a month ago," Chan reminded him, not hiding his hurt expression. "Why are you scared, hyung? If you tell me, it'll be easier, we can go through this together."
Seungkwan looked like he wanted to say something, but he decided not to. Instead he turned his head to avoid Chan's eyes. "Let's talk about this later, I have to meet up with Hansol." he says, giving Chan a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out of the building.
Chan couldn't help but be devastated. If Seungkwan keeps pushing him away like this, the only thing that would be harmed is their relationship, and Chan can't risk it. Seungkwan makes him feel so much better about himself, he doesn't know what he'll do without him.
*
"Okay, Chan. You're up," one of the staff announces.
They were going over rehearsals for their online concert. This meant that they were bringing back old songs, and adding new stages as well; which includes two of his new solo songs.
Chan had to prepare for both songs in only a few days, and he even learned the choreography for Zero (Hero) in one day. He was incredibly exhausted but despite that, he still wanted to give it his all during the concert because who knows when they'll be able to see their fans again? Chan was going to do the best he can to stay optimistic about the situation.
He heard his hyungs cheer when he stood and Chan glanced back to give them a small smile. His eyes unconsciously looked for Seungkwan, and realized he was the only one missing. Chan sighed, his head falling as he walked to the massive stage. He takes his mic set and earpiece from the staff, and gets into position from the center.
The dancers also take their places, and then the music is playing in his ears. Immediately, Chan gets lost in the melody, almost as if he was melting into a newfound rhythm. He lets his body move on its own, his mind slowly falling into a different headspace. It was incredible, the way Chan can easily stop those negative thoughts and replace them with… nothing. It was just him and the music, that's all.
Sadly, the rehearsal came to an end, faster than usual. Chan wasn't expecting for his members to cheer loudly, their voices echoing against the walls of the empty stadium. Chan laughed when Soonyoung shouted in his microphone, praising him continuously, even when Chan walked down from the stage and towards them.
"I got it!" Chan couldn't stop smiling like an idiot, his cheeks hot and most likely flushed. "You see me dance everyday, it really wasn't anything special."
Wonwoo shrugs, "It's special every time."
Everyone hums in agreement with Wonwoo, and Chan couldn't argue with them because even if he tried, it's still eleven against one.
Which reminds him.
"Where's Seungkwan hyung?"
Hansol rolls his eyes, "He's late… again."
"For your information," a voice next to Chan said, "I'm right here."
Chan startled slightly, turning his head to the side. Seungkwan was standing there with crossed arms, glaring at Hansol. Chan wasn't really paying attention to the rapper's reaction, and instead put all of his focus on Seungkwan.
Apparently, Seungkwan felt Chan's gaze on him and glanced at him. He smiled promptly, reaching out for Chan's hand. "I saw your performances, Channie. I just couldn't come out yet because the staff needed me."
Chan smiled. Even though he couldn't see Seungkwan's expression while he was dancing, he already knew the older man was proud of him, just like every other day.
Seungkwan started to lean in, and Chan stood there awkwardly, waiting for something to happen. But then Seungkwan paused and looked over to their members, who were watching with clearly confused expressions. As if he realized something, Seungkwan instead wrapped his arms around Chan, pulling him into a tight hug. Chan only found out a few seconds later that Seungkwan was going to kiss him, but then remembered that their hyungs were still there. Chan frowned at the thought, and pushed the older away.
"I got a call from my brother earlier. See you guys later," Chan lies, not sparing another glance at his members, especially Seungkwan.
*
Chan found himself in the practice room for hours, dancing away all of his thoughts. It didn't work though, not when all he was thinking of was Seungkwan and how much he was trying to avoid his feelings.
There was a random, slow song playing in the background. Chan practically tuned it out, and instead focused on his body moving to the melody. It was hard because it reminded him of Seungkwan—calming, warm, peaceful. But Chan pushes the intruding thought to the back of his head.
Chan ignored Seungkwan's gaze and focused on his fluid movement. The older man was watching while leaning against the wall. Chan's steps were graceful and his heart was pounding to the rhythm of the music. Sweat began forming at the side of his temple, trailing down in a tingling manner. His muscles flexed under his loose t-shirt, which is most likely Seungkwan's.
Chan makes a mistake looking at Seungkwan, the older mans' eyes not leaving his body. Despite their relationship being in shambles, Chan can still see the adoration he has for him. It makes something swell in Chan's chest, his breath coming out in short, quick pants. He motions for Seungkwan to come closer, and he immediately obliges. Their hands interlock and Seungkwan pulls Chan close to him. The heat between them is intimate. Seungkwan's hand rests at his hip, but the touch was barely there, as if he was afraid he'll hurt him. Chan leans his head against Seungkwan's shoulder. He was able to hear his heartbeat, it was racing.
Seungkwan had clear intentions with Chan. His eyes were apologetic, but it was as if he didn't know when to say it, scared he'd mess up. But... Chan understands, he always has. Seungkwan's body language told Chan he was nervous, but all it did was make Chan love him even more.
"I know you're not ready yet, but at least talk to me. You know I'm always here for you," Chan whispered against his neck. Seungkwan shivers in his hold.
"I love you," Seungkwan says.
At that moment is when Chan decided to lean in and give Seungkwan a chaste kiss. They both melted into each other's touch, their bodies pressed impossibly close. They both still moved together, but it was slow. Chan wanted to take it slow, because for Seungkwan, he'll always be patient.
When they pull back, Seungkwan knocks his forehead against Chan softly, his eyes scanning Chan's. "If we tell everyone about us, everything changes. People will look at us differently." Seungkwan paused and sighs through his nose, his eyes sliding shut. "What if… we break up? I'll just end up jeopardizing our team."
"Hyung, why are you saying that?" Chan's eyes stung with tears, and he held them back. "I'm not leaving you, and you better do the same. I waited for you and I finally have you, so just remember that I'm never letting go." he mumbles, wrapping his arms around Seungkwan's shoulder. "And yeah, everything will change, but only if we let it. Some people might not accept us, but who cares? We'll still always have each other."
Seungkwan stares at Chan with wide eyes, then his lips form a sad smile. He laughs wetly, "What did I do to deserve you?"
Chan shakes his head with a fond look, leaning up and kissing Seungkwan again. Silence takes over, but it's comforting and needed. They were holding each other tightly, and that was the only thing that mattered to them.
*
The impact of the cold wall makes Chan's head spin as Seungkwan pushes him against it. Their lips are sealed together in a heated kiss and Chan releases a breathless moan, overwhelmed with Seungkwan's unexpected display of strength. Chan reaches for something to hold on for balance, but he ends up knocking something over instead, startling them. Seungkwan ignores it and continues to kiss him, all while sliding his hands up Chan's stomach, feeling the defined muscle underneath his palms. Seungkwan slips his thumb across his nipple, to which Chan gasps at. "Hyung... we can't fuck in a supply closet."
Seungkwan pulls back and pouts. His hands come up to fix Chan's hair, "You're right. Considering how loud you get, I think everyone will find out."
Chan rolls his eyes but he couldn't suppress his smile. "You get just as loud as me."
Seungkwan grins, "Of course, you always make me feel good." He pauses and looks the younger up and down, "And I can't believe you're the one complaining. Did you really think I wouldn't get hard when you started touching my thighs?"
"Hey, don't blame me! We haven't been able to do anything for a whole week. I was close to losing my mind," Chan sulks, his tone slowly becoming whiny.
"So you're saying that you'd rather make out with me in this dark, uncomfortable closet while everyone else is enjoying themselves outside? It's the new year's, Chan!" Seungkwan says incredulously.
Maybe Seungkwan was right, but it didn't matter. "It's not like we're going to be able to share a new year's kiss."
Seungkwan becomes silent.
It's true. Chan remembered how excited everyone was when they were setting up the decorations. They decided to celebrate at the dorms this year, because it was more meaningful for them to be together. But, even thought Chan wanted to be happy more than anything, he couldn't. Not when the only thing on his mind was the fact that he won't be able to tell his members that Seungkwan and him are in a relationship. He can't even kiss his boyfriend on the new year's. Maybe Chan was over exaggerating, but he can't help it, not when he knows he won't be able to start the new year without being who he truly is.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Chan shakes his head and leaves the closet. His eyes adjusted to the harsh lighting before he made his way towards the members. Once he enters the kitchen, the strong smell of something burning takes over his senses and he immediately becomes alert.
"What... are you guys doing?" Chan asked cautiously, his eyebrows furrowing.
Jeonghan rolls his eyes, "Mingyu burned the cookies." he huffs, fanning out the air with a magazine. "Now, the whole dorms smells!"
Chan couldn't hide his snort, before he takes the air freshener and begins spraying in small amounts.
"It's not like I meant to!" Mingyu whines, "I'm a busy man."
Minghao comforts him by patting his back. "It's okay, it was a mistake."
"I don't get any appreciation around here," Mingyu pouts.
"Hey, where were you?" Chan doesn't realize he's being the one addressed after Seokmin calls him. "And... where's Seungkwan?"
Chan tries not to look nervous, "Um—I went to go look for him. I think he's in the bathroom."
There was an uncomfortable pause between them, until Seokmin shrugs and they all divert their attention to something else. Chan released a breath, the heavy pressure of relief lifting off his chest.
"Let's just make the cookies later! The countdown starts soon," Soonyoung exclaims.
Junhui scans the rooms, "How is Seungkwan not down yet?"
"He'll be here, don't worry," Chan gives him a smile, but it wasn't genuine. "Are we going on vlive today?" he asked Seungcheol.
Their leader nods, "Yeah, but we can do that a bit later. What's important is that we're all together for the countdown."
Hansol has his phone in his hand, "Thirty seconds left."
"I'm so excited!" Soonyoung envelopes Jihoon into his arms, and the younger man doesn't try to squirm out.
Joshua is peering out the window, "There's going to be so many fireworks. Cover your ears just incase." He turns around and grins, "I'm talking to you, Seokminnie."
"Not cool," Seokmin mutters.
They all gather by the window. Chan looks around and his smile vanishes when he doesn't see Seungkwan. But, everyone is doing their own thing. They're either leaning on each other, holding hands, hugging—just different display of affection.
"Five!"
Seungcheol looks alarmed, "He still isn't here!"
"Four!"
"He'll be here," Jeonghan reassured everyone.
"Three!"
All twelve of them looked towards the stairs, then looked to the window.
"Two!"
"He's here!"
"One!"
Chan heard the screams of his members, shouting Happy New Year's. But he couldn't process anything else because suddenly he's being tugged forward and his lips are colliding with Seungkwan's. The sudden action makes him trip but the older man catches him in a tight embrace, and at that moment, Chan let's all his worries fade away. He wraps his arms around Seungkwan, their bodies pressed warmly against each other. He feels Seungkwan smile against his lips, and they pull away, their breaths coming out in pants.
"I love you," Seungkwan whispers. "Happy new year's, baby."
Before Chan could respond, a cough interuppted them. They turned around to see everyone's expression. Chan wasn't surprised to see them shocked, "Um... surprise?" he says awkwardly.
"You guys are—dating?" Soonyoung asks in disbelief.
Seungkwan rolls his eyes, "No. We just made out as friends."
Chan laughs, "We've been dating for two months."
Both Seungkwan and Chan didn't think it was possible for their members to look even more shocked, but they did and Chan hides a smile.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Seungcheol exclaims.
Chan looks at Seungkwan who ducks his head in embarrassment. "I was nervous, okay? I just thought that... it was a bad idea for us to be dating in the first place."
"Why?" Jihoon asked.
"He thought that if we possibly broke up, he would jeopardize our team." Chan shakes his head, "You have no faith in us!" he accuses Seungkwan.
"I do!" Seungkwan defends himself. "I was scared, okay?"
Chan's expression softens and he hugs Seungkwan. "I know you were. I'm sorry I got mad at you."
"No, you had every right to be," Seungkwan looks at Chan, then to his members. "We weren't going to start the new year's with secrets. You guys deserve to know."
Joshua smiles, "We're happy for you guys."
Everyone gives Seungkwan and Chan a hug. Then, Soonyoung dims the lights while Seokmin puts on some music. All of them begin to dance.
Chan drags Seungkwan away from the crowd, "Seriously, you want to make out at this moment?"
"Don't flatter yourself," Chan crosses his arms. "I just wanted to say I love you too."
Seungkwan's eyes turn loving and he gives Chan a soft forehead kiss. "You're the best. Can't wait to spend this year with you."
And Chan couldn't wait either. With everyone that has happened the past few weeks, Chan was incredibly relieved knowing he doesn't have to hide. He's happy to know that Seungkwan loves him.
They just have to take it minute by minute.