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He didn’t know exactly how it happened and what circumstances changed and made it happen. All he knew was that after more than ten years he was going to see his daughter again.
It hadn’t been a lack of involvement on his part, but had rather been caused by some life choices he had made. The leak being one of them, together with his refusal to blame his late brother David and risking going to prison. Sure, President Bartlet had pardoned him in the end, but that hadn’t stopped his kids from hating him. A presidential pardon can go a long way in life, but it won’t help you when your children decide to learn more about your past from google and are convinced you didn’t care about them. He had tried to explain to them what had happened, but explaining his emotions and feelings had never been his forte.
Ironic, wasn’t it? A man who had worked for eight years in the White House and had been in charge of writing every single presidential speech, from the most useless one to the State of the Unions, couldn’t explain to his kids that he hadn’t done what he had done for lack of caring.
Maybe they weren’t meant to be, Zieglers weren’t meant to be good fathers. After all their score wasn’t looking too good: Jules killed people for a living and was constantly in and out of prison, Toby — despite all his efforts to not be his father — ended up being a criminal (granted, he legally had been pardoned, but many still saw him as one), and then there was David who had killed himself after finding out he had cancer, leaving his kids behind.
Toby had always tried to convince himself it was for the best, that the twins were better off without him. Despite all his efforts, it still hurt to know that they hated him. The image of his baby girl — not a baby anymore since she was fourteen at the time — picking up her bags and announcing that she was going to stay with someone who actually cared about her before slamming the door in his face, her brother quietly following her, haunted him daily.
Huck had always been the quiet one, and sometimes his silence hurt as much as Molly’s cutting words. That night he had left without saying anything. No ‘I hate you’, no ‘you disgust me’, nothing.
He had run after the twins and had managed to convince them to tell him where they wanted to go, that he’d drive them there because it wasn’t safe to go around on their own at night, and that drive had felt like some form of masochism. Driving your kids to their aunt and uncle’s house because they hate you and want nothing to do with you is a different kind of pain. It hurts you deep in the soul.
For the following ten years Toby had of course kept trying to build back the bridge that had been burnt that night, always asking Andy if there might have been a change in their feelings towards him. The answer was always negative.
Andy on her part tried to keep Toby as involved as possible while at a distance. He received frequent updates on the kids' life and contributed to the economic side of things, the twins just didn’t know about it. And so he went on with his life, even though it felt meaningless at times. He kept teaching and published a couple of pretty successful books, but nothing helped fill that hole he felt inside. The weight of his failures as a father burdened him.
Toby had been afraid of becoming a father, he had been so scared of not being able to love his kids the way other fathers loved theirs. What he had never thought about was the chance that his own children wouldn’t love him. It had been naïve on his part, after all he himself hated his own father and wanted nothing to do with him. Yet here he was, in that predicament he had always promised himself wouldn’t happen. Unlike his father he had a chance. He had been given a chance for redemption.
He had already been given a chance by Huck who at the beginning of the year had agreed to meet with him over coffee. It had mainly been to gather information for a project he was working on, but that first meeting had led to them trying to very slowly mend that bond that had been broken all those years ago. So now they met once every couple of months for coffee or something quick and were able to have a conversation on trivial things. There was still a long way to go, but it was a start.
What he hadn’t expected was to get the same chance from Molly. She was very proud and hot headed and usually when she took a decision she didn’t backtrack. Toby still remembered the time the twins were four and Huck had accidentally destroyed Molly’s lego tower. She had sulked for weeks and it had taken him and Andy forever to convince her it was an accident and that her brother hadn’t done it on purpose. So he had kind of accepted that reconciliation between him and Molly was probably never going to happen, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. And when Andy had called him telling him that Molly was okay with him coming over for dinner he had felt like a kid on Christmas morning. During their conversation, Andy had mentioned that their daughter’s girlfriend had managed to do what they all had failed to do for years: talk some sense into the girl. He was so very happy to hear that, yet as the day came closer the excitement slowly began to get replaced by dread. Toby knew very well he didn’t make the best first impression, but he had to try this time. And so the day in question he got his act together and went to dinner.
To an onlooker who didn’t know the circumstances, it might have appeared like a regular family dinner but it was far from that. CJ, Josh and Donna had been invited so as to not make it too awkward at the table and make sure that the conversation kept flowing.
Everyone tried to keep it as casual and low-key as possible, they had opted for ordering pizza instead of having to cook, but the tension was heavy in the air from the second Toby entered the house. They had all arrived early so as to be there by the time the older man got there. Molly was sitting on the couch, proudly sporting a Baltimore Orioles jersey, with her girlfriend Soph by her side. They were quietly chatting with CJ, while Donna and Josh were helping Andy set the table.
Andy was already unimpressed by her daughter’s outfit choice – clearly a dig at her father’s baseball team – but had decided not to comment on it and leave her be.
Despite everyone’s attempts, Toby’s entrance hadn’t been less tense. Sure, it had been cordial but awkward. It was obvious that he was leaving his daughter the first move and she didn’t really want to make it. But Soph had been there ready to save the day and had introduced herself to the man.
Dinner was also an awkward affair. The conversation was forced and mechanical, but flew smoothly when they talked about the first Bartlet campaign. They laughed while they reminisced about the old times, and they talked about the good times spent at the White House. Josh and the fishing waders, CJ and her root canal, the time the President got high on pain meds, hugged Toby and announced he was considering getting a dog. They spent a great part of the night chatting, with the younger girls seemingly content to listen to those stories. Or so it seemed.
It was when Josh mentioned their fist fight in the White House that things took a turn for the worst.
If you asked those present what caused it, no one would be able to pinpoint exactly one single thing. Molly had been throwing digs at her father all night, but this somehow led her to confront him about his past choices.
“Tell Soph why it was your last year at the White House. Tell her.” She said, her voice cold.
“Molly…” CJ, Andy and Josh warned in unison.
“Don’t ‘Molly’ me. It was his choice to do it, he should own it. It’s been twenty fucking years and I want to know if he’s as proud and convinced of that choice as he was when he made it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so terribly sorry that my choices-” Toby started to reply but his speech was cut short by his daughter.
“Oh shut up, I don’t want your apologies. I couldn’t care less that you’re sorry.”
Another round of ‘Molly’s resounded in the room, and that was when Soph took matters into her own hands. She abruptly stood up and looked at her girlfriend with a pointed look.
“Can I talk to you for a sec?” she told the older girl. At Molly’s nod she excused them from the table and led her to the backyard.
“What the fuck is wrong with you.” Soph told her girlfriend while pacing. “Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” came Molly’s reply.
“Can you please for a second stop thinking about yourself and what he did to you and think about what you did to him? You’ve cut him off from your life, he’s lost most of his daughter’s life and he probably blames himself for it — no, shut up and listen to me” she said giving her girlfriend a stern look. “He’s facing his life failures and he’s desperately trying to fix them. That man is terrified of fucking up again. Did you even notice how he barely spoke at all during dinner? He spoke only when spoken to, the rest of the time he tried to keep a low profile and blend in the crowd. He doesn’t want to anger anyone because he knows if something happens he’s gonna be the one to have to go. That man has nothing left, and seeing you take shots at him is like watching you kick a man who’s already on the floor.”
Soph stopped to stand right in front of Molly, taking her hands in hers.
“Look at me, babe. I’m not asking you to forgive him, not now nor ever. I’m simply asking you to behave with civility and give him a chance. Please.”
“Okay. Okay, I’ll behave. I promise.”
Meanwhile, in the dining room there was an awkward silence. No one really knew what to say. Molly had been acting strange, and she had been unfair towards her father for the entire evening.
“Toby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think she’d behave like this. I won’t let her hear the end of it later.” Andy said while looking at her ex-husband with an apologetic look on her face.
“I kind of expected something like this. She’s always been stubborn and hot headed. A perfectly lethal mix of our personalities, huh?”
“She is.”
“You remember the first time she scored a home run in a game? She was what, seven? Oh no, she was eight and had been on a streak of good batting but she wanted to score a home run so bad. In the afternoon as soon as she was done with her homework she went outside to practice until she got it right. That Sunday she hit the ball just right and knew immediately that was it. She ran all the bases, celebrated coming right to us and she said ‘Did you see, daddy? Just like Tex! I did it just like Tex!’”
There was a sad look on Toby’s face that matched the sad tone in his voice. This surprised the others because every time they talked to him, he was reasonable and insisted on giving the twins the space they needed, no matter the pain that caused him. It was very clear now that he was really hurt, deeper than they had first assumed. He clearly cherished those little moments more than anybody else because they were all he had. Memories of a time when his children looked up to him and considered him their role model. That time was long gone.
The tense atmosphere that was threatening to take over the room was quickly interrupted by Andy who spoke again.
“Speaking of baseball, I’m sorry about that shirt. She’s done it out of spite.”
“It’s okay. She has bad baseball taste, just like her mother.”
“I’m sorry to contradict you, but she actually has horrible baseball taste, like her father.”
“Really?” Toby uttered in disbelief. This little detail meant so much to him, he wouldn’t have been able to explain to anyone. “Because last I checked the Yankees kicked the Orioles ass. I was even a gentleman today and left my Yankees cap at home.”
“How considerate of you.” She mocked him, “Thank God because it would have ruined your outfit.”
Everyone laughed at Andy and Toby’s antics just as the couple came back inside. All actions stilled as everyone’s attention was focused on Molly.
“I was unnecessarily rude, I apologise.” she said while avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“It’s understandable, tensions were running high.” Toby replied as he stood up. “And I think it’s time I head home. It’s a pretty long drive and I don’t want to outstay my welcome. I’d just like to have a word with you in private, if you’re willing of course.”
Molly seemed uncertain at first, before nodding and heading into the living room. Her father said his goodbyes before following her into the other room. He was clearly anxious, clenching and unclenching his hand.
“I won’t apologise for what I did because you don’t care about my apology, you made it crystal clear. And I understand. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me, then I respect that, you’ll never hear from me again. But if you feel like you’d be open to try and rebuild some kind of relationship between us, if you think you can give me a second chance, I’ll be there. You don’t have to answer now, or in a week. I just want you to take your time and prioritise yourself and what you want. Just give me a call, or have your mother call me, if you ever feel like getting coffee or something. If that won’t be the case, I just want you to know that I love you — I’ve always had — and I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. Have a good night.”
And he left, unsure of what the future had in store for him.