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Isaac is so distracted by the story he’s telling that he almost doesn’t hear it.
Almost.
But he does.
And it makes him stop in his tracks.
“Sorry, did you just say you love me?” Because clearly he must have misheard. Dan can’t love him. Dan is perfect and gorgeous and wonderful and kind and thoughtful and sexy and funny and amazing and so far out of Isaac’s league. The only reason Dan is still with him is because Isaac made such a pathetic arse of himself. Twice.
Dan’s too nice to dump someone who’s clearly going through some major emotional shit.
That’s it.
Isaac isn’t under any delusions that it’s anything else.
But Dan’s face, through the computer screen, is bright red. Not for the first time, Isaac wishes they were in the same room.
Except then it’d be obvious how much Dan is only doing this because he’s nice, right? Because Isaac had two full on fucking mental breakdowns at the idea of Dan leaving him? (That Dan knows about, anyway; Isaac isn’t about to tell him about the others).
“Sorry,” Dan says. “I know it’s, like, way too soon, and we’re still doing this long-distance thing, a-and… sorry. I’m being clingy and weird.”
Clingy and weird? He thinks he’s being clingy and weird? That Isaac, who begged Dan not to leave him, would think Dan is being clingy and weird?
“That’s not really an answer,” Isaac says instead.
Dan looks down at his lap. “I wanted to tell you in person. I had this whole ridiculous thing planned – for your birthday. I-I didn’t tell you, but I booked a flight for your birthday. And saying it out loud, I realize how clingy and annoying and presumptuous that is, and I can cancel it, if you want. Just say the word.”
“But you love me?”
“Yeah,” Dan says. His voice is quiet and his posture – Isaac isn’t in the room with him, obviously, but even from here, he looks tense.
Dan loves him.
Dan loves him.
“Really?”
“Yeah. A-and I understand if that’s too much, and you want to end things.”
What? “Why the fuck would I break up with you for saying you love me?” Does he really think Isaac is that awful? But he loves him…
“Because I’m being clingy.”
“For… falling in love with me?” Dan’s in love with him. Dan is in love with him.
“We’ve only been together a few months. A-and did you miss the part where I said I already bought a ticket to fly out to see you for your birthday?”
If Isaac were in a better place, he might push Dan about this. But Dan is in love with him, and that’s all he can think about. “No. I heard it.”
“And you don’t think it’s spectacularly clingy and pathetic?”
Isaac frowns. Why is Dan so concerned about this? “That my boyfriend wants to visit me on my birthday?”
“That I bought the ticket without asking you.”
“No,” Isaac says. “I think it’s… romantic.” He feels himself start to blush. He’s never once told Dan any of the dozens of stupid romantic fantasies he has. He’s stuck with the sexual. It’s safer.
If Dan dumped him over something sexual, that would hurt less.
Dan still seems tense. It’s difficult to tell. “If you’re going to break up with me–”
“Why the fuck would I do that?”
“Isaac,” he says softly, like Isaac is in on whatever the fuck is going on here.
“From where I’m sitting, my boyfriend’s just told me he loves me and wants to visit me. Why would I break up with you for that?”
“Please don’t make me say it.”
“You’re going to have to, because I’ve no fucking clue what you’re on about.”
“You’re going to break up with me because you don’t feel the same way. You’re just being nice. You saw how invested I got in this over, like, a truly fucking pathetic period of time, and you don’t know how to tell me to fuck off. But this is crossing a line, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
What the actual fuck. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Isaac wonders what kind of awful fucking person Dan’s ex is.
“I had an actual mental breakdown because I was terrified you were just going to leave and never speak to me again. What part of that seems like I’m just being nice?”
Dan shrugs. “You didn’t want to date me in the first place.”
“And then I immediately changed my mind when I realised that there was a chance it wasn’t just a pity project.”
“You’re not a pity project. You’ve never been a pity project.”
“I know.” He doesn’t, but if Dan loves him… then it must be the truth. When Dan doesn’t say anything, Isaac continues. “Dan… I’ve never for one second thought you were clingy or annoying or pathetic or any of that. How I see it is… this incredibly gorgeous, sexy guy not only wanted to fuck me, but – god, you started talking about Janto the first day I knew you. A-and I thought maybe, if there was a chance you actually genuinely liked me and wanted to be with me, that… even if the chance was minuscule, I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t take it.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“But I’m being so pathetically clingy.”
“We’re dating. What’s so clingy about wanting to visit me?”
Dan doesn’t answer.
Isaac can’t help himself from going on, “I’m the one who got so invested in this that I relapsed and cheated on you the second I thought you might have left me. I’m the one who begged you not to leave. I told you I’d do anything you wanted if you’d just take me back, and you think I’m concerned about you being clingy?”
“You didn’t cheat on me. You thought I’d left.”
“You didn’t call me for a day. And it wasn’t even a whole day.”
“But we spent pretty much every waking moment – and, okay, most other times, too – together for a week. After that… twenty hours is… a really long time.”
“Dan, I offered to transfer universities and move to America if you’d take me back. That’s not… I haven’t got any grounds to call you clingy.”
“You have a life in Cambridge. I didn’t want you to have to start over for me.”
“And that’s sweet, and I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change the fact that… saying you love me and buying a ticket to London doesn’t register as remotely clingy to me. A-and I don’t think clingy is a bad thing, anyway.”
“You don’t?” Dan looks surprised. Why is he surprised?
“Haven’t we just rehashed what happened when you didn’t talk to me for a day? Not that – I wouldn’t ever do anything like that again. I never meant to hurt you, and I couldn’t knowingly hurt you.”
“I know you wouldn’t, but if this is just to avoid hurting me–”
“It isn’t,” Isaac says firmly. That much he does know.
Dan doesn’t say anything.
“Why are you so insistent that I can’t possibly actually want to be with you? Do you not know you’re basically perfect, or what?”
“I’m not perfect.”
“No. No one is. But you’re pretty close. And I… I want to be with you.”
“Oh,” Dan says.
“I-I really quite like you. More than… than I thought I would let myself. And I want to be with you, and I want you to visit me for my birthday, and… it makes me really happy that you love me.”
“It does?”
“Absolutely,” Isaac says. He takes a deep breath. He can do this. “I like romantic things.”
“Oh,” Dan says. “You do?”
Isaac nods. “Yeah.”
“Okay… I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I can be romantic.”
“I think visiting me for my birthday is quite romantic.”
It’s difficult, through video chat, because right now, Isaac knows if they were in person, they’d start fucking each other right now.
But instead, Dan blushes again. “You’re sure it’s not too much of an imposition?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Okay. Good. I’m glad, because I was really worried you’d freak out.”
Isaac’s certain he’s going to freak out, but not in the way Dan’s afraid of. “I want to be with you. In person.”
Dan’s eyes widen, like this is a surprise. Like Isaac hadn’t been entirely serious when he’d suggested transferring universities to be with him. “I can visit over spring break, too.”
“Maybe we could discuss… something a bit less temporary?” Isaac feels as if his heart is going to beat out of his chest.
“You’d want that?”
“I – I think at this point, we should at least seriously discuss it.”
“Okay,” Dan says. He’s smiling, though. “And when you say you like romantic things…”
“I mean it.”
“I know. But… everyone has a different idea of what romantic means. You don’t have to tell me now, but… I want to know what you like.”
“I’ve not dated anyone before,” Isaac says. Dan knows that. “So I don’t really know…”
“Okay. So what you think you might like.”
“W-well,” Isaac says. Dan loves him. He loves him. “What… what sort of things do you want to do? Besides visit me. That you think are too clingy.”
Dan blushes again. “Okay. Uh. Are you sure you want to get into this?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I really don’t want to cross any boundaries.”
“You won’t. I’m asking you what you want to do, not telling you to do it all at once.”
Dan nods, still blushing, and clears his throat. “Okay. If you’re sure.”
“I am,” Isaac says.
“I’ve already talked about visiting, but um… I kind of… I thought maybe… about sending you flowers?”
“It’ll probably be easier if you use a British company, rather than trying to see if an American one would ship here.”
Dan looks like he can’t believe his ears. “You’d be okay with that?”
Isaac is definitely going to have some words for Dan’s ex if he ever meets him. And his father, too. “I’d love it if you sent me flowers. You know. If you want to.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Dan blushes again. “Okay. Um. Good. A-and, I don’t know, I kind of thought about… maybe also sending you things? Not, like, I’d try to buy your affection, or anything, but just, like, sometimes I see something I think you might like.”
Dan actually thinks about him? “I’d love that,” Isaac says.