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Xiaoting loves these quiet moments– she’s happier than ever chasing her dream, but no one could ever tell her it was easy. She has to get peace and quiet wherever she can find it, and the ride back from the music video filming is one of those moments. Peaceful, serene, like the moment could go on forever.

It’s softly snowing outside as their car races down the empty highway. She feels bad for their manager, and the other girls too. The shoot was exhausting, they’d been on set for almost 36 straight hours, and Xiaoting herself was just ready to crash and get a good rest in before practice tomorrow.

It’s comeback season, and this is her life now. It’s like she’s running down a hill and she can’t slow down, always building momentum and it’s exhilarating but draining at the same time.

Pushing the thoughts of tomorrow’s schedules out of her mind, Xiaoting fishes her phone out of her pocket. She catches sight of her face, the hollowness of her eyes glinting off the black mirror of her phone, bare skin dyed in the amber of the passing streetlights outside. She’s tired and looks it, dark circles prominent under her eyes. She unlocks her phone and opens Spotify, trying to put on some music.

Xiaoting shoves a hand back into her jacket pocket, looking for her headphones, looking absentmindedly at the passing scenery outside. The snow’s beautiful, and the quiet, steady rumbling of the car lulls her into an ease. The other girls are dozing, Youngeun snoring next to her, and Xiaoting thinks the moment’s perfect. A moment like a living picture, a perfect snapshot, and Xiaoting doesn’t want to let it go.

She’s been thinking about it a lot recently, these eye-of-the-storm moments where life would slow down and she could breathe. Xiaoting had a few of them back on the survival show, despite the cutthroat pressure. Moments shared with girls she’d soon be blessed to call her best friends.

Xiaoting finds her headphones in her pants pocket. As she untangles the wire, the thought of Yurina crosses her mind, and there’s a little pang of something in her chest, a feeling she’s learned to consider natural.

That something? Well, it’s doubt, fascination, restraint, and missing her, and something a little too close to love to be comfortable, and Xiaoting talks herself down every time she feels it. She knows it all too well, what it’s like to dance on the edge of close friendship– and maybe something more.

(Something more, like a really close friendship? Or romance? Or is it just delusion?)

Xiaoting spares another glance at Youngeun’s sleeping form next to her, and scans the rest of the car. All the girls are sleeping. She plugs her headphones in, opening her messages, revealing her last conversation with Yurina.

Their conversations are full of the usual: their voice messages, good nights and good mornings and stickers and little life updates, but Xiaoting’s eyes land on something that was sent last week: a voice message from Yurina, fifteen seconds long. She presses play.

There’s some crackling of ambient noise in the background before the slightly hushed sound of Yurina’s voice.

“Hey, it’s me. I know you might not see this for a while, but I’m so proud of you.” Yurina pauses for a second, softly humming, and Xiaoting knows it’s her nervous habit.

“I love you, Ting.”

Xiaoting keeps her eyes trained on the view outside, the snow continuing to fall. Xiaoting thinks the scene looks a bit like a snowglobe, and she imagines the moment encapsulated in one, perfect just like that.

I love you, Ting replays in her mind, long after the message finishes. Xiaoting holds her phone up to the window, filming a few seconds of a short video.

She sends it to Yurina, knowing that the other is asleep right now, or at least she should be. There’s a lot of things Xiaoting wishes she could do with Yurina, like seeing the first snow, or just seeing her face, her smile, the feeling of her hand in hers. She remembers a moment during the survival show, them curled up in Yurina’s bed, Xiaoting leaning against Yurina and hugging her around her waist as she wrote a diary entry.

Xiaoting just misses Yurina.

Somehow, since the day she’d met her, Yurina felt like coming home and feeling right in her skin. She’d opened up to Yurina quicker than she ever had with anyone else, any one of her other friends or acquaintances, and she just didn’t know why. She only knew that it felt natural.

Xiaoting takes a deep breath before pressing record. She keeps her voice down, trying not to wake the other girls.

“Yurina...” she starts, and in a rare moment of refusing to restrain herself, she decides to go with exactly what she’s feeling.

“I miss you. I miss you a lot. I wish I could see you again.” Xiaoting sighs. Yurina will probably hear it on the recording. “You’re special to me, ‘cause you’re my Yurina.”

“And I love you. A lot.”

Xiaoting stops recording and sends it before she has a chance to regret it. She takes her earbuds out– she wasn’t listening to music anyway, and lets her tired eyes close. She falls asleep easily, only bothering to wake up to get back to the dorm, barely managing to wash up before collapsing in her bunk, asleep before the lights are out.

⁙

When Xiaoting wakes up, there’s a notification from an hour ago, and it’s a voice message from Yurina. Xiaoting holds her phone to her ear, volume on the lowest notch. She’s expecting one of Yurina’s usual silly messages back, but what she hears makes her eyes widen.

“You’re special to me too. Xiaoting, I... I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone like I’ve loved you.”

She sounds dead serious, and Xiaoting slams her phone down on her bed, feeling like the wind’s been knocked out of her. It can’t be– it really can’t be that kind of love, and Xiaoting doesn’t even know if she’s ready for that but the thought alone makes her want to jump, if Yurina’s willing to go there.

Xiaoting realizes, she’d do absolutely anything for something to make her feel half of what Yurina makes her feel. It’s a step towards something new, and at the same time, it’s paralyzing.

⁙

Their messages lighten up after that, and Xiaoting wonders if Yurina even meant what she’d said back then– if she even remembers saying it at all.

They’re on an actual phone call right now, Yurina the on set of her new drama, Xiaoting stealing a few minutes away from the others in the Music Core waiting room, finding another empty room for some privacy.

Yurina’s giggling through Xiaoting’s story about the maknae line’s shenanigans while filming their reality show. Xiaoting loses track of time, listening to Yurina babbling about meeting some famous drama actor at one of her hosting gigs, and she tries to imagine Yurina’s face. She’s probably got on a wide-eyed expression, gesturing wildly, and if Xiaoting was with her, she’d probably be touching her, squeezing her hands in excitement, shaking her shoulders if she was overwhelmed, and Xiaoting would just let her, taking it all and giggling.

They’ve video called before (and gotten ridiculously shy at seeing each other), but there’s something about Yurina’s voice alone that makes Xiaoting fall for her even more.

(There’s a pressing thought in her mind, warning her: You shouldn’t be feeling this way.)

Their conversation comes to a close, a comfortable silence on the other end of the line as Xiaoting eyes the call duration. Her eyes widen, because she really needs to get back before they’re sent off to pre-recording. But she doesn’t want to hang up. She doesn’t want to stop talking to Yurina.

“I miss you, baby.” It’s Yurina’s turn to say it, a bit of bitterness in her voice for a reason Xiaoting can’t place, but the pet name makes her heart turn somersaults.

“I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I know comebacks are hard,” she continues, and Xiaoting nods even though Yurina can’t see her.

“Yes, mother,” she replies sarcastically, but she can count on Yurina catching her true meaning: thanks for checking on me. Sure enough, she hears a huff of fake-indignation on the other end, and Xiaoting can’t help but to giggle.

“What would you do without me?”

“I don’t know.” Xiaoting shrugs. “But I have to go now. Think it’s time for pre-recording,” she says, and Yurina whines, but she’s understanding.

“Shame. I wish I could keep you on forever,” Yurina says, and there’s a lilt to her voice that tells her she’s only half joking, but she concedes. “Love you, Xiaoting.”

“Love you too, Yurina. Bye.”

Xiaoting returns to the group’s waiting room, where the other girls are already getting ready. Xiaoting puts her phone away, joining them.

Yeseo’s the first to notice Xiaoting’s changed mood, and she doesn’t hold back when she tells her about it. “Unnie, you seem happy.”

“What?” Xiaoting says, fixing her belt. A coordi comes to her, fixing her pants too, and she offers her arms when the stylist gives her her jacket, completing her stage outfit.

“You’re smiling.”

“Am not, you little brat,” she teases, but she notices that the corners of her mouth are turned up in a soft smile.

“You are unnie, you are!” Hikaru joins in on the teasing, and as the rest of the maknaes dogpile her about her suddenly good mood, Xiaoting refuses to acknowledge that maybe, Yurina makes her happy in a way that no one else can.

⁙

They fit together so perfectly, like two halves of a soul that’s finally been reunited into one, two kindred spirits finding each other a massive crowd. Those are the reasons Xiaoting tries to convince herself with, the reasons behind the confusion she feels when she thinks about Yurina and she’s drifting away from their friendship and towards the danger zone.

They’d look good together. She can’t deny it. They looked good together back then on the show, and everyone around them knew it.

Being a panelist on a variety show about dating was hard when she hardly had any experiences herself. Singing songs about being in love was easier though, and Xiaoting refuses to acknowledge why that is.

Xiaoting’s sitting on the couch in the studio, waiting for her turn in the booth. Chaehyun’s in there right now, singing her heart out as the group’s main vocal. She sounds heavenly, but it’s the lyrics that catch her attention.

It has to be a cosmic joke, really: it’s a song about falling in love with someone you’d never met before. Falling in love at first sight, but not knowing if it’s real or all in your head.

Xiaoting stares at her lyric sheet. her single line is thoroughly marked up, and the chorus too, but she looks over the other parts with an uneasiness that she forces herself to swallow down. Of course, there’s only one person on her mind as she reads over the lyrics about having butterflies and wanting to confess badly, all while scolding yourself for being so whipped.

But the song’s a lot more lighthearted than Xiaoting’s reality. With every voice message, every good morning and good night message, and every late night phone call, it’s starting to hit her.

Yurina’s carved a little space into Xiaoting’s life, and she can’t get over it at all. Every love song is suddenly about her, and this song, a B side on their next mini album, is no exception.

When it’s her turn, she clamps the headphones on with determination and sings her one line a few different times. Each time hits her equally as hard.

I’ve waited my whole life to meet you.

“Good job, Xiaoting,” their producer says, with an impressed nod. “That take’s perfect. It’s like you had someone in mind when you sang that,” he says, clearly joking, and Xiaoting makes herself laugh along.

When she exits the booth, the other girls are making fun of her, joking about an ex boyfriend or a possible crush, and Xiaoting just has to take it all, because no one can know. No one knows the real reason, and she intends to keep it that way.

As the studio session drags on and they move onto the next song, Xiaoting pretty much forgets about it. But Mashiro reminds her about it, even if it wasn’t her intention.

“Your vocals on the ballad were really, really good,” Mashiro says. She takes a swig from her water bottle, giving Youngeun in the booth a thumbs up. “I think it’s the best you’ve ever sounded.”

“I know I’m a subvocal, you don’t need to rub it in,” Xiaoting grumbles, faking anger.

“Oh, screw off. Just own it!” Then Mashiro makes a little joke that sends fear coursing through Xiaoting.

“You were obviously thinking about your wife, so, you know what? We should thank Yurina for that.”

⁙

The original plan wasn’t going out for drinks. It just so happened that the group that’d gone out for dinner were all of drinking age, and they weren’t opposed to tipping a glass or two.

So now they’re waiting for a cab outside, giggly and dumb and probably in for a lecture from their manager. Distantly, Xiaoting feels bad for Yujin and Mashiro, their leader and vice leader, who’d probably get the worst of it.

“We– we’re adults, damn it,” Chaehyun says, punctuating the word adults with a well-timed clap of her hands. “We can handle ourselves!”

It’s the funniest thing, seeing Chaehyun tipsy. Her normally pale complexion is impressively red, being the lightweight of the bunch. Xiaoting bursts out in laughter, but her reaction is nothing compared to Yujin’s doubling over, Mashiro following her like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

Xiaoting whips out her phone to record the scene, but the cab comes and they pile into it, earning a dirty look from the driver before Yujin blurts out their address, and their conversation is no more.

Xiaoting grips her phone in both hands, taking two attempts to swipe out of the camera app and into her messages, deliberately selecting her conversation with Yurina. The silence in the car tricks her into forgetting there’s other people right next to her, and Xiaoting opens her mouth to record a message, in her typical fashion.

“Hey, baby,” Xiaoting slurs, dragging out the last syllable in an obnoxiously long trail. Mashiro jolts next to her, hazy eyes honing in on Xiaoting’s ridiculous expression as she kisses her phone screen with a loud “muah!”

“What the– oh my god,” Yujin squeals, half in disgust and half in a fit of laughter. “Xiaoting, you’re really–!”

“I love you!” Xiaoting finishes, blowing another kiss right when Chaehyun snatches her phone, sending a message of her own.

“Your girlfriend is gross, Yurina!”

Xiaoting sticks her tongue out at her, opting to tease her because she has to do something to play off the fact that heat’s rising to her cheeks at Chaehyun’s choice of words: girlfriend. Yurina’s girlfriend.

Chaehyun boos loudly, backing up her words and making sure she can be heard in the background. Their raucous laughter nearly makes the cab driver kick them out on the spot, and they shut right up for the rest of the ride, terrified except for the occasional giggle.

When they get home, they try to stay quiet, not wanting to wake the younger members up. Xiaoting plops down on the couch. She’s tired and so are the others, who silently slink off and leave her alone in the living room.

Xiaoting has half a mind to fix her previous messages, now that she’s a less hyped and a bit more– well, she isn’t any more sober– in fact, she might be even drunker now that her last drink’s hitting her. As she flips the front camera around to take a quick selca, she sees that she’s flushed pink all the way down to her neck. In the poor lighting she snaps a picture, eyes wide, her hand around her chin and squishing her cheeks.

She opts for a text this time, diligently pressing on each letter, proud of herself for avoiding typical drunk people typos.

Xiaoting: I’m sorry the girls are so annoying
Xiaoting: I love you!

She pauses for a moment, scratching her nose. She mulls over what she should say, the thing she wants to say but knows she shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be a big deal if she joked about kissing her, right? They’ve joked about things like this before, and she figures fuck it, let’s go with that.

Xiaoting: Let me kiss you!

Xiaoting finishes the apology with a sticker of a sleepy bear, a sticker she’s never even seen before, but it perfectly encapsulates her current mood. She falls into a deep, dreamless sleep, and wakes up with a headache and a few messages from Yurina. She swipes her phone off the nightstand and cracks one eye open to skim them.

Yurina: Xiaoting, are you drunk?
Yurina: Tell Chaehyun she’ll regret saying that about my girlfriend!
Yurina: Oh... I’d kiss you, but this is all I can give you right now. :(

And there’s Yurina’s selca, a picture of her poking her cheek and winking, lips pressed in a kissy face that makes Xiaoting feel warm all over. She rereads her messages from last night, physically cringing at the terrible voice messages and her too-loud, too-enthusiastic voice, too comfortable with calling Yurina baby and kissing her fucking phone...

Xiaoting locks her phone, letting it fall on her chest as she slaps a hand on her forehead, dragging it down her face, hard. She groans loudly, because she knows Yurina’s just playing around like she always does. But somehow, the thought lingers in the back of her mind, telling her that maybe she isn’t playing, that Yurina likes her, to just go for it when there isn’t anything to go for in the first place, and it’s the truth.

Yurina drives her crazy sometimes, and Xiaoting doesn’t know if the other woman’s to blame, playing with her heart, or if she’s the weird one for reading too much into a friendship that’s always been close, with someone who’s always been flirty with pretty much everyone she meets.

Yurina’s just a social butterfly, a jokester, someone who loves to play-flirt and tease and initiate skinship. That’s just the way she is, and Xiaoting’s starting to think she’s a fool for interpreting it all the wrong way.

Her hand moves to her neck, her fingers tracing the silver chain she always wears, the tiny butterfly charm pressing into her thumb and forefinger. She exhales, releasing a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

Being friends with Yurina is like walking a tightrope, balancing and resisting, constantly being afraid of falling. Falling for her, when there’s nothing below to catch her if she’s mistaken.

Xiaoting swallows hard, throat suddenly dry, and she has to push away a memory of Yurina hugging her, making her feel complete.

She doesn’t know what to do, and she’s left with more questions than answers when she picks up her phone, opening her messages with Yurina, typing out a question she knows is rhetorical.

Why do you make me feel like this?

She erases it quickly. She’d never send it.

⁙

And that’s the thing about Xiaoting’s imagination– she gets ahead of herself. She overthinks things, paralyzing herself with the hypothetical. What if things happened the way she wants them to?

If loving Yurina went her way, Xiaoting would have to deal with the things that come next, the things that she can’t even admit that she wants in the first place.

They’re on Facetime, and for Xiaoting it’s starting to feel like torture. Yurina’s plodding on about something that happened on set that day with her costar, and all Xiaoting can focus on is her face.

Yurina’s going through her evening routine, her hair tied up in a messy bun. She’s bare faced, and Xiaoting can tell her skin’s flawless even through the grainy front camera and the poor lighting.

“So yeah, that was a mess,” Yurina finishes. “How was your day?”

“Mmm... I had a radio show in the morning and practice until now. Just more of the same,” Xiaoting says, straightening her pillow. She’s lying in bed, waiting for the others to finish showering. She purposefully planned this call, knowing her roommates would be out of the room for a bit while she’s on the phone with Yurina.

Xiaoting wants to share the news– she’s actually been bursting to tell Yurina, that the company’s been planning an Asian tour that’s supposed to start later in the year. Things are final now, but Xiaoting’s only excited about one thing: seeing Yurina again. She mulls over her words, trying to sound like she hasn’t been thinking of this moment for like, a year.

On the screen, Yurina pulls her hair out of her bun, strands falling perfectly as she runs a hand through her hair, straightening it out. She turns her attention away from the camera for a moment, looking for a place to put her hair tie. She looks prettier than ever, and the simple sight makes Xiaoting’s heart beat just a little faster.

Xiaoting’s grateful that Yurina’s not looking, because she’s left completely speechless at that whole motion, all her words evaporated into nothing.

And it was supposed to be nothing.

Friends don’t freeze at the sight of their friend doing their hair, they don’t stare at their friends just because they’re pretty and they can’t look away.

“And I was gonna tell you we’re having a tour,” Xiaoting stammers. Yurina whips her head back to the camera, eyes wide.

“Wait– wait, oh my god, I’m so happy for you,” Yurina says. “And...?”

The question hangs in the air, a silent understanding between them. Are we finally gonna see each other again?

Xiaoting can only nod.

“Tokyo’s the first date after Seoul.”

Yurina’s megawatt smile is blinding, and Xiaoting knows she’s screwed.

⁙

As the date draws closer, Yurina brings up plans of meeting up after the concert, and Xiaoting has to stop thinking it’s a date, because it’s not. It’s just what friends do.

⁙

Xiaoting’s heart was stuck in her throat the whole time during the last song, and through the encore. When they all get backstage, they’re used to thanking all the staff, the commotion of people moving through and all the things that need to be taken care of.

At yesterday’s date was Hikaru and Mashiro’s family. Today’s concert has most of the J-group girls from the show, one person absolutely, especially, included. To Xiaoting, at least.

Yurina will be here, Xiaoting already knows. They’ll go on a date afterwards, and Xiaoting is nervous as all hell because it’ll be the first time she sees her in over a year and she might combust on the spot when she does.

The seconds tick by sluggishly as the girls from the show trickle in, Xiaoting jumping to her feet when Ruan and Kotone and Manami join them backstage, running into each others’ arms, taking pictures and catching up.

As Xiaoting finishes taking a picture with Manami, refusing to let her go without another hug, squealing “Man-chan!”, she hears Youngeun shrieking, and the rest of the girls turn their attention down the hall to the last person to arrive backstage.

Youngeun, Hikaru, and Bahiyyih bolt to the newcomer, immediately engulfing her in a ridiculously tight hug. Xiaoting stands there dumbly, rooted in her spot until there’s hands shoving at her back, encouraging her to step forward, but she can’t.

“Unnie,” Chaehyun says, more urgently, almost sounding worried at Xiaoting’s hesitation. Xiaoting fixes her with a panicked look, frozen in place. Chaehyun nods, pressing her shoulders. The message is clear: you can go, it’s okay.

It’s like her feet are moving on their own, and before she knows it, she’s running, Yurina moving to meet her halfway.

It hardly feels real when Yurina collides with her, knocking the breath out of her lungs in the best way because it means she’s finally here. Yurina isn’t a sorely missed dream or a figment of her imagination, or an existence that disappears when she ends a phone call.

Yurina’s here.

Xiaoting wraps her arms around her, cradling her tightly. She can’t bear to let her go, but Yurina pulls back first, eyes glimmering. Xiaoting blinks a few of her own tears away, distantly aware of the others in the room looking at them.

They don’t say anything, and it’s the strangest thing, the way they’ve learned to read each others’ body language, finely tuned to even the slightest touch or whisper. Xiaoting sees the brightest, most amazing stars in the universe in Yurina’s eyes, and she feels the reassurance she didn’t even know she needed when Yurina wipes her tears away with her thumb, her hand cupping her cheek.

Seeing Yurina again is like coming home. She’s home, and she’ll be okay, even if she’s choked up and the words– in any of the languages they understand– are escaping her.

Xiaoting can barely contain her sobs as she pulls Yurina in for another hug, being selfish with what she wants. She settles for three English words that are about as honest as she’s ever been– no, not those three words, but these will have to do for now.

Xiaoting mumbles through her sobs, knowing that Yurina can hear her and no one else can. “I missed you.”

Yurina’s arm around her waist tightens, bringing her in even closer, and it’s all the response she needs.

⁙

For their date, they’d picked a place that serves cheesecakes with wines, coffees, and teas. The upstairs private room Yurina booked for them is lovely, and in typical Yurina fashion probably extremely expensive, but Xiaoting still insists on paying.

“Just let me flex a little!” she’d said, with Yurina laughing and punching her shoulder. “Xiaoting, you’re crazy.”

Xiaoting’s been trying to shake off her nerves all day, but with Yurina sitting across from her, the two of them doing something that looks like what couples do, she’s frozen on the spot.

When their food arrives, Xiaoting stares a little too hard at her slice of cake. It looks too good to eat, the cherry on top so perfect that it looks like a decoration. She picks up her phone to take a picture of it, and notices the girl across from her.

Yurina’s face is set, concentrated as she diligently cuts at her slice. Xiaoting tries hard to not focus on the way her bottom lip juts out. She tries to sneak a picture of her, but Yurina notices at the last second, laughing as she poses.

“You could’ve told me! I wasn’t ready,” Yurina pouts, and Xiaoting giggles.

“I didn’t want to distract you,” Xiaoting says. “You looked... You looked cute.”

Yurina stares at her for a moment, and Xiaoting immediately regrets it. But Yurina smiles a bit, bashful. It’s unlike her to be this shy, Xiaoting thinks, but she shakes it off and picks up her fork.

Xiaoting takes her first bite of the cheesecake, and it’s better than it looks, just the right amount of richness and sweetness, none of the flavors lacking or overpowering.

“Mmm,” Yurina says, around a mouthful of her own slice. Xiaoting licks her lips while looking across at Yurina, who glances at her mouth before turning away suddenly. Xiaoting freezes, cheeks heating up. There’s no way– no, she must’ve been imagining things.

“Do you like it?” Yurina asks.

“It’s really good,” Xiaoting says, nodding vigorously.

“It- It tastes better than it looks, right?” Yurina says.

“I was thinking that too,” Xiaoting says. “I didn’t wanna eat it because it looked so good.”

She watches Yurina take another bite, the silence comfortable. It’s all perfect, Xiaoting realizes, because she’s with Yurina. The sudden urge to reach over and tuck Yurina’s hair behind her ear, or maybe hold her hand, is killing her.

Xiaoting does just that, gathering all the courage she can to reach over and place her shaky hand over Yurina’s. Yurina looks up from her plate, grabbing her palm and lacing their fingers together.

Their eyes meet as Xiaoting lifts her fork, taking the second bite of her cake. It tastes just as good the first bite, maybe even better.

“But I’m glad I did,” Xiaoting finally says, about the cake, and also something else.

Yurina squeezes her hand, and Xiaoting blushes.

⁙

An hour later, the tea’s gone cold, and the cakes are long eaten. Xiaoting’s exhausted after today’s events, after the concert and a long day of anticipating Yurina, but she’s still a mess of nervous energy. And of course, Yurina’s here in her arms, and it couldn’t feel more right.

They don’t talk. Xiaoting pushes around the last crumb of cake on her plate. Yurina’s sitting on her side of the booth, nuzzling into her side. The conversation between them’s kept at a minimum, since they’ve done plenty of it over the phone and not nearly enough of this, being in each others’ space, all the physical touch they’ve been missing for over a year.

Xiaoting admits to herself, privately, that she’s touch starved somehow. Despite being touchy with her group mates and having no shortage of hugs and hands to hold, she doesn’t feel better until she’s with Yurina.

She needs Yurina’s touch more than she needs to breathe, and the thought scares her a lot.

Yurina’s hand is interlocked with Xiaoting’s free hand, fitting perfectly like it always has. They’ve spent countless hours in this position back on the show, around each other and cuddling like it was second nature. But back then, Xiaoting didn’t have a word for what she felt, for the strange limbo between friendship and the vast umbrella of more-than-friendship that she finds herself and Yurina veering out of.

Xiaoting sighs, thoughts slipping out of her mouth. She keeps the really intense ones even more closely guarded, though. This is just her safety valve.

“You know I love you, right?”

Xiaoting says it in a way that can be disguised. Teasing, not serious. She isn’t serious, she’s just teasing Yurina, like how best friends normally do.

“Mhm,” Yurina hums, turning to look at her. A devilish smirk finds its way onto Xiaoting’s face as she brings her hand up to brush Yurina’s bangs out of place.

Xiaoting thinks she’s imagining things again when for a split second Yurina hesitates, eyes wide. But it’s gone when Yurina slaps her arm lightly, bringing a hand up to her forehead to fix them.

“You little brat.”

Yurina’s gentle, easy smile makes her glow, so beautiful and so amazing. Xiaoting doesn’t deny it, and she can’t stop her own smile turning up the corners of her mouth.

Yurina’s happy, and Xiaoting’s happy. Most of the time they don’t need words for their I love yous. It’s a skill they’ve both acquired. It’s the reading between the lines, necessitated by the lack of languages between them, and a pull that scares Xiaoting half to death because she knows it’s love and she’s too afraid to confront it.

And every time she thinks of Yurina, it threatens to pull her under.

Yurina is hard to read sometimes. This is one of those times, when Xiaoting feels herself losing control but Yurina seems as calm and collected as ever. For all Xiaoting knows, to Yurina this could just be another normal friend thing, or maybe something more.

Xiaoting opens her mouth to say something, but she notices how close they are, holding each other so close that they’re practically laying on each other. All she can feel is Yurina’s warmth. The thoughts die in her mind and she shuts her mouth, suddenly embarrassed.

Yurina senses her struggling and comes to her rescue. “I love you too, dummy,” she says, holding her hand tightly, and Xiaoting nods mutely.

She says it so easily, and it’s so unlike Xiaoting’s tendency to overthink and have her actions come out in spontaneous bursts. It could be a joke. It could be platonic, or not, but Xiaoting can’t figure it out for the life of her.

Yurina presses her cheek against Xiaoting’s, and they’re still entirely too close and this is still infuriatingly normal behavior from Yurina. Xiaoting might explode with her bottled up feelings. She can’t find it within herself to say what’s truly on her mind, to break the silence, to risk it all and ask Yurina if this is special for her, if Yurina loves her like a friend or something more than that.

“I missed you so much,” Xiaoting whispers, settling for the obvious. She can’t help but to allow herself one more intimate gesture, tucking a strand of hair behind Yurina’s ear. She’s subtly aware of the grandfather clock ticking away in the room, reminding her that their time is running out and that they’ll have to part ways sooner rather than later.

Yurina hums. “I’d follow you if I could. I want to be together with you.”

It hurts because Yurina’s so damn beautiful, and Xiaoting’s hopelessly in love with her.

Yurina’s telling her that she wants to be with her and Xiaoting can’t stop overthinking for just a moment to accept that maybe after all, this is real.

“I want you, too.” Xiaoting gulps. She’s suddenly aware of her own erratic heartbeat, and she hopes Yurina doesn’t notice it.

She needs to know that the storm brewing in Yurina’s eyes right now is her saying the same thing. I want you.

She needs to know that her words aren’t just a best friend thing, one of Yurina’s quirks, just the way she holds all her friends so close both physically and metaphorically that the lines between friends and more than friends starts to blur. Xiaoting needs to know that this is special, and real.

Xiaoting isn’t stupid. She knows how Yurina is. But she’s so stupid for Yurina that it hurts, and she holds eye contact with Yurina mostly because she’s so fucking scared of letting her gaze drop down to her lips.

Xiaoting can imagine a more courageous version of herself, a more courageous Xiaoting leaning in and kissing Yurina right then and there, but it’s too much. The thought of kissing Yurina at all is a test of her restraint that she knows she’ll fail, and it’s just too much.

If she goes down that path, giving into the feelings she’s had for Yurina since day one but tried so hard to deny, she knows there’s no going back.

Xiaoting wouldn’t be this scared if Yurina wasn’t her best friend, if she wasn’t different from everyone else since the day they’d met. It would be different if Yurina hadn’t wormed her way into Xiaoting’s heart like no other, becoming a person she loves with her whole being.

It would be different if Xiaoting could just own up to it. She wants Yurina all to herself, and she wants to cross that line.

I’m a coward, Xiaoting thinks. There’s tears pricking the corners of her eyes and she blinks them away, flustered at her sudden anxiety.

Shen Xiaoting, you are a coward.

“Xiaoting, what’s wrong?” Yurina detaches herself from Xiaoting, and even in this moment Xiaoting admires the way Yurina reads her flawlessly. But still, she can’t read her mind and spare her the agony of confession.

Xiaoting shakes her head, shutting her eyes, and with a mortifying, sinking feeling, she’s crying again.

Yurina takes her hand again, and Xiaoting lets her hold it, even if it burns.

“I’m sorry,” Xiaoting manages, looking at Yurina with a sad smile. There won’t be a confession today, or maybe any day, because she’s afraid of what lies down that path.

Xiaoting’s afraid of what being loved by Yurina would be like, even if she wants it so bad it hurts.

“Today was amazing,” Xiaoting says, getting up, gently letting Yurina’s hand go. Yurina has a strange look on her face, like she’s been stung, and Xiaoting’s sure it’s her own tear-stained, red face that’s ruined it all. She couldn’t keep it together long enough to not ruin it.

“I’ll text you when I get on the plane,” she continues, getting her coat. Yurina gets up from her seat in the booth, following close behind Xiaoting as they leave the restaurant. The night air hits her, cool and crisp as she breathes deeply, trying to calm herself down.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Yurina says, taking her hand again, and Xiaoting imagines that it’s a little bit more forceful this time, not as effortless as it usually is. More desperate, maybe? Is she losing her cool? Is there something on her end that’ll make Xiaoting stay?

Xiaoting allows herself to hug Yurina again, and even though her heart’s jackhammering against her ribs, she knows she has to let go first for her own sake, so she does.

Yurina doesn’t miss it, suddenly looking crestfallen. “Xiaoting, please. What’s wrong?”

Only one thought underscores everything she’s feeling right now, in bold capital letters:

I’m a coward.

“I’m gonna miss you too, that’s all,” Xiaoting says, repeating herself for the nth time. This might be the last time she’ll ever see Yurina in person, and she has to memorize it all before it disappears, gone just like she’ll be, on the next flight out of Tokyo and to another city on another stop of the tour. Xiaoting has to believe it’s because it’s the last time, but she can’t say it because Yurina will know she’s lying right to her face.

And Yurina, who knows her better than possibly anyone on Earth, can see right through her.

“Are you sure that’s all?” Yurina’s faking her happiness, Xiaoting can tell, because her expression is wan and fading by the second. But Xiaoting can’t tell why.

The question hangs in the air. It’s Xiaoting’s last chance. Xiaoting nods once, and Yurina does too.

I lied, she wants to say, scream it out loud that she takes it back, I just lied.

But she doesn’t.

Yurina steps forward, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek, and it takes absolutely everything in Xiaoting to stay composed. Yurina looks how she always does, elegant and beautiful and calm and it makes her heart ache, not knowing if this is Yurina trying to hold herself together, or Yurina being utterly normal. A good friend, or something more, she’ll never know.

There’s more than a note of sadness in Yurina’s voice when she says, “Goodbye, Xiaoting. Have a safe flight.”

“I love you,” Yurina adds, and Xiaoting feels like the biggest coward when she nods, just accepting Yurina’s embrace because now she can’t say those words back without crumbling.

“Goodbye, Yurina.” Xiaoting’s voice cracks, but she pretends like it doesn’t. She knows Yurina hears it, because she flinches when her voice breaks on the second syllable of her name, but she doesn’t know why it seems to upset her so much.

That miniscule blink, the slightest stiffening of Yurina’s expression, the sagging of her shoulders. It tells Xiaoting all she needs to know about how Yurina’s feeling right now. She looks disappointed. Xiaoting feels guilty for ruining the night, and feels even worse for ruining what might be the last time they’ll ever see each other in person.

She turns and heads down the street quickly, or else she might get the idea to turn around, run back to Yurina, and confess. But she would never take that chance anyways.

Xiaoting knows they’ll never be the same after this, so she lets her feet lead her away despite her heart’s protests. Her biggest mistake was letting herself think she could have someone she could never have, that she shouldn’t have, who might not even like her back.

⁙

Xiaoting reaches around to the back of her neck with one hand, gently undoing the clasp of the necklace, bunching up the silver chain in her fist. She wonders if Yurina sleeps with the necklace on, how often she wears it, if at all anymore. Xiaoting wears it as much as she can, simply because it reminds her of Yurina and she likes thinking about Yurina.

Well, she used to, because now thinking of Yurina just makes her feel like she’s got a bunch of roses, a bunch of unfortunately beautiful thorns pricking her insides.

Thinking of Yurina gives Xiaoting this horrible idea: that she’s fucked it up, trashed not just their friendship, but the imaginary romance she’s made up in her head. The possibilities, all the thousands of lives they could’ve lived together if Xiaoting could just be braver, if she could just admit she feels something more for Yurina. She tells herself she can’t fuck it all up over a misconception, but it’s all an excuse.

She’s always loved Yurina. It’s always been Yurina.

The door swings open, and Yujin enters, ready for bed. Xiaoting unclenches her fist, looking at her necklace. The butterfly and heart charms sparkle in the light from the lamp above her bed, and she has to shut down the thoughts of Yurina’s necklace around her neck, her wearing it proudly and it glimmering just like that.

At the exact moment Xiaoting drops it onto her nightstand, Yujin asks, “Hey, are you okay?”

“Mhm,” Xiaoting says, startling slightly. “Why?”

“You look like you have a lot on your mind,” Yujin says. She’s on the ladder, one foot on the top rung as she settles into bed. She sets down her pillow, looking like she wants to know more. Xiaoting clams up, turning off her light.

“I... don’t want to talk about it,” she sighs, truthfully. Besides keeping this stupid crush a secret, there’s a bunch of other reasons covering for her right now: it’s late, they’ve got a long day ahead and a ridiculously early call time, she’s tired, she’s homesick, she just doesn’t feel like talking.

“If you want,” Yujin says, unconvinced but ready to drop the topic if Xiaoting’s uncomfortable. Yujin’s a good leader, and listening to the girls’ problems is one of her strongest suits, whether they’re vents, complaints, or deeper conversations. Xiaoting knows she’s got a history of being hard to open up, despite Yujin’s attempts, and this is another one of them.

It’s her idiosyncrasy: if someone’s got their door wide open for her, Xiaoting’s afraid of what’s inside. She always refuses to take up their offer of friendship, or advice, or a shoulder to cry on.

She thinks it’s easier to keep it all inside, even when she’s bursting at the seams. There are things she shares easily with the other members, and there are other things yet, deep feelings and vulnerabilities she keeps hidden at all costs. If Xiaoting had to list them, crushing on Yurina would have to be number one, her Achilles heel of vulnerabilities.

Yujin doesn’t need to know about it, she tries to tell herself, but the plea slips from her lips in spite of her.

“Unnie?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you... can you answer this question for me?” Yujin straightens up, turning to face her. But Xiaoting buries her face in her hands, refusing to look at her.

“You can’t ask me where it came from, or why.” Yujin nods. Xiaoting doesn’t see it, but she knows she can keep going.

“How do you stop pushing someone away?” Xiaoting hesitates before looking at Yujin, who’s pursing her lips, surprised but trying to hide it.

“Ah,” Yujin says. “It’s– well, I have to ask, but is this like, a general question? Or is it about someone specific?”

Xiaoting shrugs. She’s thankful for her well-practiced poker face, because right now her heart’s beating at a million miles an hour.

“Just in general,” she says, lying through her teeth. Yujin sucks in a deep breath, blinking hard. Xiaoting feels bad for her, having to decode her crypticness, but she can’t help it.

“Is it because you don’t like them but need to get along with them, or like, is it the kind of situation where you like them, but you’re just scared of being close to them?”

“The second one.” Yujin looks suspicious. This conversation’s taking a turn for the worse, and Xiaoting doesn’t know if she can stop it if it gets too specific and too close to her heart. Too close to the topic of Yurina.

“Don’t really know why you’d be scared of them,” Yujin says, dancing delicately around the elephant in the room. She reaches over to charge her phone, getting under her blanket. She props herself up on one arm, facing Xiaoting. “Even if it’s hard, you’ll have to quit being so distant with them eventually, right?”

“Maybe,” Xiaoting says, flopping back onto her bed. “I don’t wanna– I don’t wanna make it worse.”

Yujin’s puzzled. “Make what worse?”

Xiaoting shakes her head, because she can’t go there. She can’t open herself up, lay out that secret for the grand audience of Yujin and these four walls to see. She gulps. No one should see it.

“Xiaoting,” Yujin sighs, resigned. “I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“I’m sorry,” she responds. “Forget I said anything.” She’s burning with embarrassment, and the blood rushing in her ears dampens the sound of the shaky breath she forces herself to exhale. She didn’t know it would physically hurt this much to keep it a secret. Xiaoting’s no stranger to keeping things bottled up, but this is on another level, inviting an opportunity to confess and flirt with being open, just to shut it back down.

There’s a long silence that hangs in the room, and Xiaoting knows Yujin’s debating on whether to press it further or give up. Xiaoting turns off her light, pulling her blanket up and curling up in the fetal position. The weight on her shoulders is ever-present. This futile conversation proves to her that she’s gonna have to spit it out eventually.

It, being the fact that she likes Yurina. She needs to do it before she ends up losing her for good, and the thought makes her feel nauseous, losing Yurina because of her distantness, or losing her because she has feelings but Yurina doesn’t feel the same way.

“Good night, Xiaoting.” Yujin decided to give up after all, Xiaoting thinks.

“Night, unnie,” she responds, her voice hollow.

That night, she dreams that she’s running away from something. She doesn’t know what it is, but it’s terrifying and it’s all she can think about as she changes and tries to sleep again on the car ride to the hair and makeup shop. When they leave, Xiaoting checks the time on her phone, revealing a message from Yurina.

Yurina: Good luck today! Fighting!

Xiaoting smiles, but the crushing feeling in her chest belies her happiness. It’s a constant reminder in her mind, written in giant, capital letters and completely unforgiving in its sincerity: You’re in love. Just tell her.

⁙

The comeback comes out a month later, and without fail, Yurina congratulates her, posting the music video link and screenshots on her story, with one of them being one of Xiaoting’s solo shots. Xiaoting wonders how Yurina can be so okay. It’s so easy for Yurina to message Xiaoting like there’s no distance between them, to talk to her like she isn’t drowning at the bottom of a hundred-mile-deep ocean full of her overthinking and the overwhelming nature of it all.

But then again, Yurina isn’t the one who’s hopelessly in love. Xiaoting is.

There are nights like this one, when Xiaoting’s sitting in the living room at 4 am and whispering as quietly as she can, recording voice messages of all her private thoughts, the ones only Yurina gets to hear, because they’re all about her. She deletes and records and sends them over and over, until she’s exhausted.

“You’re special to me. You’re my favorite. God, that was weird, sorry.”

“Yurina... I hope you’re sleeping well. Don’t overwork yourself, okay?”

“I miss you.”

There’s also mornings like the next morning, when Xiaoting checks her phone and sees a reply from Yurina, another voice message that has her holding her breath as she presses play.

Yurina’s voice was quiet, but it sounded like she was smiling when she’d said it. “I love you too, Xiaoting.”

She’d said it in English this time, and it hits her then: Yurina said I love you too. Too, as if Xiaoting had said it when she hadn’t. She realizes this whole time, she’s been choking on that exact phrase, on how to say it, if she’s even ready to come to terms with it and tell her.

It would be easier if she knew Yurina felt the same way.

⁙

There’s no denying it: Xiaoting’s lost Yurina, and it feels like the heartbreak she never had. Even through horrible comeback schedules, when she’s running on nothing but iced Americanos and an hour of sleep in the last 48 hours, she still thinks her self-imposed prison sentence is worse.

She grits her teeth through a bunch of struggles, through homesickness, and a twisted ankle, and being told off by producers in the studio for shaky vocals. But when it’s just her and her phone, late at night, an all-too-cordial message from Yurina staring back at her, she feels the worst.

Xiaoting can feel the shift between them, a widening gap that turns into a canyon, and it’s all her doing. At first, Yurina kept messaging her like normal after she’d left Tokyo, but Xiaoting forced herself to stop opening up as much, to keep herself smaller, better contained, less of an emotional liability on the other woman. She tried to rationalize it, telling herself Yurina would feel less burdened if she didn’t think that Xiaoting was needy, especially now that she’s filming two dramas at once. She doesn’t need that stress in her life.

Xiaoting’s busy. Yurina’s busy. They’re an ocean apart with hundreds of miles between them, and this is natural.

(Her self-imposed restriction is anything but natural, and Xiaoting damn well knows that.)

Slowly, the messages tapered off from every day, to every other day, to every other week at best.

Xiaoting’s suffocating without her best friend, and it’s all her fault. She tries to throw herself into the group, spending more time with the other girls, using her former Yurina time to bond with the others, knowing that their remaining time will come to an end sooner rather than later. She hangs out with other idols, spending a lot of time trying to be social, trying to make new friends she can call besties, but she feels like she’s running in circles because she can’t escape the truth. No one can replace Yurina.

She tries to throw herself into work and practice, and it seems to work for a bit. Xiaoting finds a balance between both, enough of a balance that helps her cope and become the best idol she could possibly be, and she’s proud of herself for proving (to no one but herself, of course) that she can function just fine without Yurina.

But those moments still linger, the ones where she wants to talk to Yurina about something that went on that day, or about something that’s bothering her. But as she stares at her messages one night, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, she realizes she hasn’t had a deeper conversation with Yurina in months, and her last message was a sticker sent a week ago. Before that, it was a month ago since their last voice message.

Xiaoting presses play on the voice message’s waveform. Yurina’s voice greets her, along with a pang of something that makes her feel sick when she’s reminded of how much she needs to hear her voice.

“Good morning, Ting.”

She realizes that she’s still dependent on Yurina, but the other woman seems perfectly fine. The glimpses Xiaoting gets of her life on Instagram are irritatingly perfect: selcas in expensive clothes, pictures with friends, behind-the-scenes pictures of her on the set of her latest drama. Xiaoting’s seen some clips, letting them sear themselves into her eyelids, committing them to memory because she can’t– no, she won’t let herself ask Yurina about them, or hear anything other than a good night or good morning message.

It comes crashing down in June, on Yurina’s birthday, when she finally musters up the courage to call her, wish her a happy birthday herself because this has gone on way too long. During the only free time she has that day, she sneaks out the back of the festival they’re performing at to take a call. Her members glance at her suspiciously, but she shoots daggers at them and they leave her alone.

Xiaoting sends a text, not expecting anything. The date of their last message greets her in tiny grey font: May 10.

Xiaoting: Hey, can we call?

Yurina responds a minute later.

Yurina: Okay!

The call comes through, and Xiaoting squeezes her eyes shut at the sound of Yurina’s voice, the thing she’s forbidden herself from hearing.

“Hey, Ting.”

“Happy birthday, Yurina,” Xiaoting rushes out, mentally slapping herself for losing her cool so quick. “I’m sorry, I know it’s almost over,” she says, looking at the late evening sun beginning to set on the horizon. She still has a bit of time before they call all the groups back on stage for the encore.

“Thank you,” Yurina says. “It’s alright.”

There a silence, the uncomfortable kind, where neither person knows what to say. There’s still a dance going on between them, both of them trying to find the right words.

Xiaoting swallows, lost because she doesn’t know how Yurina’s feeling, or how she looks on the other side of the line. She could be completely calm, or bunched up into a mess of knots like Xiaoting is right now.

“I’m sorry,” Xiaoting says again. “I’ve been terrible at messaging lately–”

“Don’t apologize,” Yurina answers, voice suddenly short. Xiaoting feels it immediately, that sense of dread. Now she wants to hang up and avoid what’s coming next.

“I’ve just been busy,” Xiaoting says, and the excuse sounds incredibly pathetic, even to her own ears.

“So have I.” Yurina sighs. Xiaoting wishes she could say sorry a million times.

Xiaoting paces back and forth, still pathetically tongue tied. It would be easier if she wasn’t a coward all those months ago, but what’s done is done. She’s putting a necessary space between them, for her sake, and it’s purely selfish and immature but it has to be done, even if her heart’s screaming at her no, you need this, you need her.

“I love you,” Yurina offers, weary. Xiaoting thinks, if only you knew.

Xiaoting steels herself, forcing herself to return those words even if they have the power to destroy her. “I love you too.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line for a moment.

“I.. I don’t think you understand,” Yurina says, suddenly sounding lost and insecure, a total 180 from her normal attitude.

Xiaoting frowns, rubbing at her eyes. What does she mean?

“I mean it, Xiaoting. I’ve always loved you, even if I don’t seem obvious enough. Like I said, I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever loved.”

“What?” Xiaoting’s perplexed, recalling those words from almost two years ago.

I love you more than anyone else I’ve ever loved.

Yurina sucks in a sharp breath on the other side of the line, seemingly exasperated, and Xiaoting feels like she’s screwed up just for asking.

“I know. I think I love you more than I should.” Yurina says. She’s almost inaudible with the way she’s shrinking, like she doesn’t want Xiaoting to hear her. It’s completely unlike her, and Xiaoting doesn’t know what to make of it, or the fact that Yurina loves her more than she should, and the hope it gives Xiaoting just hurts instead.

She wants to love her that way. She needs Yurina to love her that way.

“I was way off base, right? I’m– God, I’m sorry, Xiaoting.”

“Wait, no. You’re what?” Xiaoting’s still in a state of pure disbelief. “I’m– I don’t think–”

I think I love you more than I should.

“I’ll wait for you,” Yurina says, and after a rushed and bittersweet goodbye the line clicks dead. Xiaoting clutches her phone, suddenly dizzy as she leans against the metal railing, trying to process whatever that was.

Yurina... loves her? Like that? She’ll wait for her? She’ll wait until when?

She’s left with more questions than answers, and yet again, she’s too afraid to ask. But now there’s a promise of a future with Yurina, and Xiaoting holds onto it with both hands and all her heart and soul.

I’ll wait for you.

⁙

Xiaoting realizes that Yurina wears her heart on her sleeve– she probably acts the way she does with Xiaoting because of the obvious– she likes her. They’re only dancing in this limbo, this in-between between friendship and romance, because Xiaoting can’t ask Yurina the most important question: what are we?

Friends don’t tell each other they love each other, more than anyone else they’ve ever loved.

Friends don’t steal shy glances at each other.

Friends don’t send each other voice messages full of long, nervous pauses because they’re trying to find the right words, trying to avoid saying things that sound like I don’t want you like a best friend, even if it’s the truth.

Over the next few weeks, their messages return to normal, and Xiaoting gets used to the idea of Yurina being hers. She embraces her needy side, and Yurina’s too, talking well into the night about everything and nothing over the phone, selfishly wanting to hear her voice even when she knows they should both be sleeping.

Xiaoting sends Yurina selcas and gets cute messages and stickers back, and of course, pictures from Yurina too. Bare-faced selcas, pictures of Loco, selcas with a cue card for a hosting gig. Pictures in costume for her drama. Xiaoting sends her pictures in music show waiting rooms, backstage at awards shows, in random locations for variety shows.

Everything they send each other, every midnight conversation they have and voice message they share, has an underlying, implicit message: I love you.

Xiaoting wonders if she would feel differently about these little things if she and Yurina were together, but every time she thinks it, she comes up with the same answer: no. Yurina will always take her breath away, and Xiaoting’s learning to live with that fact. She might always be in love with her, no matter what.

⁙

Six months later, Yurina tells her she’s coming to Seoul for the group’s final concert, and Xiaoting knows she’s ready to see her again.

⁙

After the concert, she and Yurina spend a night together in the same foreign country where they met. Xiaoting feels the same way she did at the end of the survival show three years ago. Something like excitement for a new beginning.

(And maybe, just maybe, with someone she loves by her side this time.)

Xiaoting’s contract is over. She’s going home now, properly, to Shanghai, ready to start another chapter in her life, and it’s both intimidating and ridiculously overwhelming relief at the same time. She doesn’t want to think about it right now, though.

It’s because Yurina’s by her side, and it doesn’t hurt as much this time, all the skinship and the hugs and cheek kisses.

“Let me take another picture of you,” Yurina demands, crouching and getting into an expert-mode photographer pose. Xiaoting just laughs, humoring her as she poses in front of the neon sign.

But it’ll never get easier, she thinks, with a certain lightness when she sees Yurina’s toothy smile, her bubbly laughter as Xiaoting pulls a funny face. Making Yurina laugh has to be one of her favorite things in the world.

They’ve known each other for three years, and seen each other in person for barely a handful of months in total, but Xiaoting thinks she’ll always feel right with Yurina.

It doesn’t matter if Yurina’s by her side like she is right now, chewing thoughtfully on the boba in her drink, or an ocean away and it’s only her voice Xiaoting can have. It doesn’t matter if Yurina’s shooting another drama, or if Xiaoting’s caught up in promotions.

She’s starting to realize that this is what it’s like to be with Yurina. She’s willing to take the paralyzing feelings along with the friendship, because having Yurina is all that matters.

She can do dinner dates, even if she wants to sit with Yurina as a couple.

She can do photobooth pictures, even if it takes everything in her to not kiss her.

She can be anything Yurina wants, even if she doesn’t want her like a best friend.

Xiaoting doesn’t know how much longer this period of being okay with being in love with her will last, but in moments like these, in the back of a cab with Yurina leaning on her shoulder, it’s manageable. Even if Xiaoting wishes she could be better and braver, so she can just confess to her.

The cab is slow. They’re stuck in Seoul’s notoriously awful traffic, and the blazing red tail lights are bleeding into the cabin and bathing their faces in red light. Xiaoting looks ahead, squinting against the bright lights before shutting her eyes.

“Didn’t you have some news?” Xiaoting asks, suddenly a bit sleepy. She cracks one eye open, peering at Yurina curiously.

Yurina studies her face for a moment, her eyes locking with Xiaoting’s for a brief second before her dopey giggle fills the silence. Xiaoting laughs, and she can’t help it either. She’s in love with that giggle, but she gives Yurina a sly little “what?” anyways.

“You just looked cute,” Yurina replies.

“Ah,” Xiaoting says. It’s her non-committal, multi-use ah, for when she’s pretending to understand a new Korean word, or when she’s trying to brush off a feeling. She’s used it a lot over the past three years, especially when it comes to Yurina.

You just looked nice. Ah.
You’re special to me, Ting. Ah.
I’m blessed to know you. I love you. Ah. (She’s hopeless.)

Yurina moves off her shoulder, separating herself from Xiaoting’s side. Xiaoting pulls her back in, which makes Yurina laugh more before definitively extricating herself from Xiaoting’s arm around her shoulders.

Xiaoting doesn’t mind. That beautiful smile’s still on her face, and she considers herself blessed to be able to see it like that.

“Here, I’ll show you.” Yurina’s voice is soft as she fishes her phone out of her pocket, swiping through a few things before handing it to Xiaoting.

She was expecting an Insta post she’d already seen before, or maybe some texts from her manager about a new drama. What she wasn’t expecting was an email in Chinese, the translated Japanese version above it meant for Yurina.

The green iQiyi logo is what Xiaoting sees first, and she skims it briefly. It’s a new historical drama. Her eyes widen when she gets to the bottom, and she just stares at Yurina, whose grin vanishes into a tight-lipped, thin smile. She’s nearly impossible to read now, compared to the clear meaning of the email.

“Holy shit. You’re– it’s filming in Shanghai? You’re coming to China?”

“If I accept,” Yurina says. Xiaoting frowns at the tiny wobble in her voice, which would be imperceptible to anyone but her. She knows Yurina too well. She’s acting weird about this.

And Xiaoting doesn’t know why she can’t offer up anything besides the standard congratulations, and the forbidden victory in her heart over the fact that Yurina might be close to her now.

“Are you gonna do it?”

Just say it, Xiaoting. You need her to say yes, because you need her.

The cab starts moving again, and it’s mostly dark save for the streetlights. Xiaoting’s jaw is still dropped, and Yurina redirects her gaze to the seat between them.

“If I do, it’ll be because of you.”

A beat.

Yurina looks up again, and there’s a glassiness in her eyes. Xiaoting instinctively reaches out to wipe her tears, even if the blood’s rushing in her own ears and she can’t focus on anything besides Yurina’s face.

“I wouldn’t dream of doing it if I didn’t love you,” Yurina mumbles.

“Yurina,” Xiaoting says, almost begging. She’s dizzy, there’s no way–

“I guess there’s no more hiding it, right?” Yurina asks, through a weak chuckle. She grabs Xiaoting’s hand and lowers it from her face to between them, with a tightness that means finality. Xiaoting knows it, because at this point she knows Yurina better than she knows herself, despite more than a thousand miles between them and language barriers and miscommunication and voice messages and the absolute worst timing in the world.

It’s the same desperate pull she felt at their Tokyo date a year ago, when Yurina grabbed her hand and Xiaoting shrugged her off, too absorbed in her own hurt to read the signs.

She’d mistaken all of Yurina’s green lights for red.

“I’m in love with you,” Yurina says, squeezing her hand. “I always was. And I always will be, even if you don’t feel the same way.”

“Yurina,” Xiaoting pleads, and now she’s crying and Yurina’s crying harder. If this is a dream, she’ll never be able to forgive herself for waking up.

I’ve felt the same way about you since the day we met.

“I’m sorry.” Yurina takes in a shaky breath, and before she can think better of it, Xiaoting breaks free from her self-imposed prison sentence.

“You shouldn’t be.” Xiaoting wipes her own tears, and she ignores Yurina’s slight confusion as she slides over, closing the gap between them.

Her hand’s on her cheek like it was a moment ago, and a million times before this, but their faces have never been this close and Xiaoting leans in, refusing to let doubt hold her back.

Her lips are on Yurina’s in the blink of an eye.

Yurina’s still as a statue for a moment, and Xiaoting’s terrified but still too selfish to jump back like she knows she should. But that moment’s all Yurina needs to process before she kisses back, pulling Xiaoting in by her collar and she almost sobs in relief.

Xiaoting won’t lie– they don’t fit together perfectly right off the bat. How could they, when the path to get here was so unclear in the first place? A path littered with miscommunications and misconceptions and massive distances, and Yurina tastes like tears but she’s so damn sweet that Xiaoting can’t even begin to care.

They break apart unceremoniously, their first kiss over, one that Xiaoting knows will be one of many if the look on Yurina’s face is anything to go by.

Love. That indescribable look on Yurina’s face that Xiaoting’s never been able to figure out has always been love.

“Damn it,” Xiaoting says, through a ridiculous burst of laughter that escapes her. “Why didn’t you just– tell me?”

“I said it a million times, you fool,” Yurina whines, with the smallest hint of humor, and Xiaoting knows the slap on her shoulder is coming and that she deserves it for being so fucking dense.

Yurina hits her shoulder. “But you stopped saying it–”

“I stopped saying I love you, because I couldn’t trust myself to not mean it like that,” Xiaoting says, leaning in quickly to press her lips to Yurina’s again. She can do that as many times as Yurina lets her, but Yurina beats her to the punch when she grabs the back of Xiaoting’s head, bringing her in first. They’re interrupted by their own laughter when their noses bump together, because even if this is so clumsy, it feels so right. Just like everything else Xiaoting feels when she’s with Yurina.

“I liked you since the beginning. I was just too much of a coward to ever admit it,” Xiaoting finishes, and the way Yurina stares at her lips only serves to make her feel dumb and flustered at the same time.

If only one of them had said something sooner. If only they weren’t separated by distance and contracts and bad timing, if only it didn’t take them three years to get to this point.

“Maybe you were a coward. Maybe I was one too,” Yurina admits, and Xiaoting’s eyelids flutter shut as Yurina kisses her, Xiaoting melting completely into her touch.

When she opens her eyes again, it’s to fix Yurina with a completely serious look as she says what she means.

“We’re both idiots.” Xiaoting’s seriousness crumbles when she sees the teasing twist of Yurina’s mouth. Her first thought is to kiss it off, but Yurina’s next words give her pause.

“I wouldn’t promise to wait years for an idiot,” Yurina says. “Don’t do yourself dirty like that, Shen Xiaoting.”

“Really?”

“Yes, you fool. I’m saying yes, and I’m gonna see you every day I can whether you like it or not.”

(Xiaoting snorts when she realizes Yurina called her a fool after denying that she was an idiot.)

“And what if I don’t like it?” Xiaoting says, and it’s an utterly transparent lie, in the style of their normal bantering. Yurina leans into Xiaoting, impossibly close now that she knows she has permission to be like this, and Xiaoting doesn’t know how she ever thought that Yurina did this with everyone. The thought alone makes her jealous, an extreme that feels good even if it’s negative. She has Yurina.

"You want me to say no to seeing my girlfriend?" she asks, and Xiaoting glows with pride at the word girlfriend.

“Don’t you dare,” Xiaoting huffs, possessively slinging an arm around her, brushing the tip of her nose against Yurina’s. “I can’t handle any more time apart from my girlfriend.”

There’s absolutely no point in trying to take it slow, when they’ve been going at a glacial pace since meeting each other. Xiaoting’s always been Yurina’s, and Yurina’s always been Xiaoting’s. They’ve always been each other's best friends, soulmates, and now, lovers.

No one could’ve predicted the start of what they’d have together, and now, no one knows what the future will bring for them. They’ve got a chance to be together properly and fully this time, and as Xiaoting steals kisses from Yurina in the back of a cab, stuck in traffic on the way back to her hotel, she knows it’s enough.

They’re enough, and they always have been, nothing more than two best friends in love, more than enough for each other.