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His hands were cold.
The first thing that Juwon noticed through his emotional turmoil, was the icy sensation of them as they encased his own trembling hands. They were rough, years of labour having worn down palms that must have been soft, once upon a time.
The knuckles protruded a tad too much, the skin a little too thin, combined with the icy cold it should have been uncomfortable. Should have made Juwon want to snatch his own appendages away.
But the only thing that Juwon knew at the very moment was that, he never wanted to let go.
And that Dongsik’s hands shouldn’t be so cold anymore.
“Juwon-ah”, Dongsik said, his eyes filled with so much love that Juwon threatened to suffocate under it all. And then still looking into his eyes, Dongsik lifted their intertwined hands towards Juwon and he could almost feel the words as they echoed through the room, it’s time.
Arrest me now, Juwon-ah.
H-how could I -
Juwon’s eyes were pricking, his breath taken away by the fact that this is how their story might be ending after all. With Dongsik in handcuffs and Juwon alone once again.
“You have the right to remain silent”, one handcuff clicked on and a stray tear trailed down Juwon’s face and he couldn't stop himself from thinking that the handcuffs were cold too.
And Dongsik shouldn’t be cold, never this cold.
“You have the right to an attorney”, his body was shaking, trembling as he touched Dongsik’s hands softly, gently like Dongsik had always deserved.
“You have the right to appeal to the court of arrest” and whatever piece of his heart that was still intact crumbled into pieces right before his eyes.
And how cruel it was, that Juwon from a few months ago would’ve yearned for this moment. Would’ve smirked as he finally caught the culprit he’d been after for so long. But now with his entire body shaking and his eyes red with the thought of their future, he wondered what their end would look like in a universe that wasn’t as cruel.
Would things end differently ?
Would they end up embracing, instead ?
The choices weighed too much and the guilt was too suffocating, so he bent down to their encased fingers. Rested his forehead against them as though his prayers for Dongsik could fix all that had gone wrong in the time that they had had together.
They stayed like that for a while, Juwon sobbing quietly into their hands as Dongsik looked down at the crown of his head, his own grief hidden under the layers that he still struggled to shed.
When Jihwa called them, it was Dongsik who moved first, nudging Juwon just a bit so that he’d know it too. It’s over.
That they have to let go now.
When Juwon stood up again, their hands had fallen apart from one another. Dongsik with his arms crossed held up against his chest and Juwon with his at his sides, still trembling in all their frailty. It was finally time to leave, Jihwa and the other officer’s footsteps were echoing through the halls of the house and it was only a few moments before they came here too.
“ Can I get some time ?”, Dongsik said, his eyes still sparkling under the warm light of the room, “Just for a bit”
The yes of course spilled out of his mouth before he even had the chance to stop himself. He knew that they were delaying this too much, that there were rules that had to be followed. But nothing mattered in front of Dongsik.
Everything else could go fuck itself, Dongsik deserved some time.
Juwon left the room quietly and peered into the narrow hallway that connected to the kitchen, spotting Jihwa.
“Inspector Han”, Jihwa’s feet were tapping the floor furiously and her gaze was questioning “Where’s Dongsik ?”
“He needs some time”, Juwon muttered in response, still not willing to take the moment of peace that he knew Dongsik needed.
“He can’t be left alone”, Jihwa’s eyes were understanding but filled with a resignation that Juwon knew all too well, “ We’ll give you some time, but don’t leave him alone, okay ?”
Juwon scanned Jihwa’s face for the last time and the few moments were enough for him to know that he had no option here, that he didn’t have the option to leave Dongsik alone at the moment.
He trudged back to the room, his feet still heavy with guilt and nudged the door open coming face to face with Dongsik once again. And for a moment, neither of them moved.
Juwon hadn’t known what he had expected once he entered the room, for Dongsik had thrown him off in every step of their way. But nothing his imagination could conjure up, would come close to the sight that he actually was greeted with.
Dongsik was standing still in the same position, his arms held against his chest like before. The way he was standing was so similar that Juwon was almost fooled for a second, if not for Dongsik’s downturned head.
His teeth seemed to tear through the delicate skin of his lips, having almost gone white with the force with which he was biting down at them. His eyebrows were scrunched, eyes pinched as they tried to prevent everything from spilling out.
His cheeks were shiny with tears.
Shit.
Juwon bolted and locked the door shut, ignoring the loud bang that reverberated through the house. Dongsik flinched on the other end of the room, startled at the loud sound, before his eyes came in contact with Juwon.
It was then that he realised that his eyes were rimmed with red.
Every protective instinct in his body flared as he rushed towards the man he so adored, ignoring the way his heart broke when he came close enough to be able to hear the muffled whimpers escaping Dongsik’s mouth.
Without thinking any further he wrapped his fingers around the back of Dongsik’s neck and pulled him into himself, muffling Dongsik’s whimpers even further as he stumbled into Juwon’s chest.
Dongsik’s body trembled against Juwon and his whimpers grew louder as he let Juwon hold him in place, all his attempts at keeping up the facade slipped in front of the warmth of Juwon.
Juwon felt as the body in his arms shook and he buried his own face into Dongsik’s curls, concern threatening to overcome him whole. How long had Dongsik been holding this in ? For how long did he hold in his own tears, while he comforted Juwon as he broke down ?
Before he could get lost in his thoughts once again, a broken voice vibrated against him, “Don’t blame yourself, brat”
The whimpers had died down, but Dongsik’s throat was still hoarse with strain, “Don’t be an idiot”
At that Juwon pulled away just a little, till both of their eyes finally collected again, “H-hyung”, the affectionate word slipped out before Juwon could stop himself.
He tightened the hand that had been grasping at Dongsik’s waist and pulled him even closer. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest, but he looked down at Dongsik’s blushing lips asking for permission in the only way he could.
Words had left both of them but the tiny nod was enough.
Juwon dove in, his lips searching for Dongsik’s in desperation. The kiss was salty, Dongsik’s tears still a fresh reminder of how much everything had gone wrong, but also so right. Juwon’s tears had dried by now, but the feeling of Dongsik against him was so overwhelming that he was afraid he might burst in tears again.
Slowly, still completely covered by Juwon’s body, Dongsik wanted to unwound his arms and wrapped them around his partner’s neck, pulling him impossibly closer, but with the handcuffs still in place he just stood as Juwon held him as close as he could. They gasped lightly against each other’s lips, their breaths still taken away by the suddenness of the action.
The knock on the door was loud, but nothing that they couldn’t ignore. Juwon just smiled lightly against their lips, knowing that Jihwa would give them the time they needed.
They needed the time.
They deserved it.
When they did pull apart, the knocks had died down. It was silent once again, only two of them left alone in the cold room, which suddenly didn’t seem so cold anymore.
For the first time in the entire evening, Juwon felt happy.
The guilt was still there, the grief still pervasive through his system.
But he felt happy.
“Brat, you see me crying”, the mirthfilled voice replied as Dongsik’s eyes gazed into Juwon’s, “and the first thing you do is kiss me ?”
Juwon let out a small chuckle, “What can I say, you look so pretty crying” and leaned down once again.
This time his lips connected with Dongsik’s forehead and he let out a small sigh of relief. The ghost of Dongsik’s lips was faint over his own, a reminder that this wasn’t it. They weren’t ending, no, they were just beginning.
And most of all, Dongsik’s hands were finally warm.