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Chapter Text

ACT 1

PROLOGUE

America and England wast one day residing at America’s home, enjoying one another’s company. However, a strange light surround'd those folk and stole those folk hence from the younger man’s home to a place strange and far from the ordinary those gents kneweth.

SCENE I. A White Room.

Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, from a hole in the ground, clothes ripped.

ALFRED

The hell just betid? Whence art we?

ARTHUR

Just betid? Whence art we? 

Mine dear sirrah, why dost thou speaketh in such a manner?

ALFRED

Nay, I am not!  Ye are the one who speaketh in that manner!

ALFRED and ARTHUR freeze.

England, why dost I speaketh as thou!

ARTHUR

I taketh offense to that!

This is the tongue of mine Golden Age!

I has't not spoken thus in ages! 

Something hath spell'd us to speaketh in such a manner, clearly.

Now, bethink clearly.  What wast we doing ere we cameth to this white cell?

ALFRED

[Pokes a white wall] I knoweth not.

All we we didst wast playeth video games.

Then some bright light shone below and tooketh us hither.

ARTHUR

America, wast thy alien "friend" in residence, perchance?

ALFRED

Nev'r would Tony do this!

I bite mine thumb at thee, fusty sir!

ARTHUR

Knave!

They fight.

Cease! We go nowhere with this.

We need to figure out whither we art.

ALFRED

Easy for thee to sayeth thus.

I cannot see anything besides all these white walls.

A door opens in the white room.

ARTHUR

Wait! I see a door thither.

Come, we shalt try to wend through ‘t. 

ALFRED

I wonder if tis a dream of Wonderland and Alice?

ARTHUR

Quiet. We depart.

Exeunt

SCENE II. Verona. A public place.

Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, dressed in Verona fashion.

ALFRED

The hell just betid?!

ARTHUR

...Tis not fair tidings.

Is the door thither still?

ALFRED

Nay, tis gone.

What hath betid mine robes?

Mine leather jacket is gone!

‘t better has't not disappear'd!

ARTHUR

Quiet! We has't larger troubles on our hands. 

Methinks I recognize this land.  Tis Italy.

ALFRED

Italy? Tis no Italy I know.

Unless we art in a Renaissance Faire?

ARTHUR

Nay, I doubt tis a Faire.

Though if 't be true, tis more authentic than I care for.

The odour alone speaketh for itself.

ALFRED

Perchance we can asketh whither we art.

Enter VERONA NOBLE

Sirrah! Doth thee know what land we stand upon?

VERONA NOBLE

Wherefore, sirs, thee art in the most wondrous city of Verona!

ARTHUR

[To himself] Tis unfortunate tidings.

VERONA NOBLE

Art thee lost, sirs?

I knoweth not thine faces.

Art thee visitors from afar?

ARTHUR

[Before ALFRED can speak] Aye. We come from merry England.

I wonder, sirrah, if thither is passage to Venice?

VERONA NOBLE

Aye, there is a coach heading thither this late day, stopping first in Padua. 

There may beest room.

ARTHUR

Within this wall of flesh, there is a soul that counts thee its creditor kindly, sirrah.

Allow us to taketh our leave.

Exit VERONA NOBLE

ALFRED

I am not borne of England.

ARTHUR

I know that, thee no more brain than stone, boy.

We must leave hither apace.

ALFRED

England, why art thou in such a state? 

Thy complexion is as milky as a ghost.

ARTHUR

Call me Arthur.

And hath ‘t not occurred to thee that tis strange that a person spake the Queen’s English in the middle of Verona?

ALFRED

I suppose tis strange.

Unless tis a dream and a strange one.

ARTHUR slaps ALFRED.

Fie! How didst I deserve such treatment?!

ARTHUR

To prove tis not a dream.

Forsooth, tis a nightmare. 

I believe that we art trapp'd in the visions of the Bard of Avon.

ALFRED

Who?

ARTHUR

Shakespeare, fool! 

Has't thou nev'r read Romeo and Juliet!

ALFRED

Readeth, no. 

Gazed the movie, aye.

ARTHUR

Then we art in that Verona.

ALFRED

[Shocked] No...

ARTHUR

Aye! Behold, hither come Sampson and Gregory now!

Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with swords and bucklers

SAMPSON

Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.

GREGORY

No, for then we should be colliers.

SAMPSON

I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.

GREGORY

Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.

ALFRED

[Aside to ARTHUR] Mine God, those gents maketh less sense than thee.

ARTHUR

Thee truly art an ignorant soul.

In any case, we must depart. 

Lest we become swept in the tide of events.

Exeunt

SCENE III. Capulet’s orchard

Enter ROMEO

ROMEO

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

 

JULIET appears above at a window

 

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou her maid art far more fair than she:

Be not her maid, since she is envious;

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

It is my lady, O, it is my love!

O, that she knew she were!

She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?

 

ALFRED and ARTHUR enter off to the side, hiding behind a bush.

 

Her eye discourses; I will answer it.

I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright

That birds would sing and think it were not night.

See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

O, that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek!

JULIET

Ay me!

ALFRED

Oh hell!

ROMEO

Who goes there! Come into the light else I strike thee with mine sword!

ALFRED and ARTHUR come out from behind the bushes, raising their hands.

ALFRED

We come in peace.

ARTHUR

Husht, Alfred. 

Mine lief Romeo, we only came hither by chance.

If thee permit us to leave, we shalt say nothing of this.

We wast only seeking the coach to Venice.

ROMEO

[Raises his sword] How doth thee know mine name?

Tell me, art thee agents of the House Capulet? Montague? Speak!

ALFRED

Neither!  I am American. Knoweth thee?  The New World?

ARTHUR

Alfred, husht! Nay, I am not of either house, fair sir.

I am merely acquainted with thy tale.

Tis a strange thing to heareth, true, but tis true indeed.

I wish not to hinder thy affections with thy lady love.

So please fall back to thine speech.

ALFRED

[Aside to ARTHUR] Arthur, should we not telleth those folk?

ARTHUR

Nay! Still thy tongue!

ALFRED

[Loudly to the couple] Romeo and Juliet!

If thee be true to thy course, thou shalt meet a very unhappy fate.

I pray thee, cease now, whilst thee both still live.

ARTHUR

Alfred, what art thee doing?!

ALFRED

Saving their lives.

ROMEO

I would die for mine Juliet!

JULIET

And I for mine Romeo!

ALFRED

Tis mine point!  Thou art both too young beest married, besides! 

Mine inner eye is scarred from gazing upon thee whilst thee has't relations on screen!

ROMEO and JULIET stare in horror.

ARTHUR

Methinks we hadst better leave. 

Thou has't done enough damage already.

We take our leave. Good night.

Exeunt

SCENE IV. Verona. Coach house.

Enter ALFRED and ARTHUR, harried.

ARTHUR

Finally! The coach! Now, we hadst better wend back to merry London.

Perchance thither we wilt beest able to find a way out of this odious dream.

ALFRED

But Arthur, we cannot leaveth thus. Romeo and Juliet art still doomed.

ARTHUR

Tis as is meant to be.

We know not what wilt befall if we interfere in this tragic tale.

We know not whither we art or how we came by hither.

If 't be true this sorcery, how do we know that we do not unwrite the Bard’s own visions?

ALFRED

Arthur... they art but children... 

ARTHUR is silent.

I pray thee, please?

ARTHUR

Fine, fine!

We shalt fly back for those folk.

I pray that we do not doom ourselves in the process.

Exeunt

SCENE V. A churchyard; in it a tomb belonging to the Capulets.

ALFRED and ARTHUR enter, armed with swords

ALFRED

Oh cool! I has't a sword! 

ARTHUR

Tis not cool. ‘t means that we wilt likely useth ‘t.

Now, I know not how we wend back to the coach house!

Nev'r should I has't listened to thee!

ALFRED

Wait, I hear something. Hide!

ALFRED and ARTHUR retire. ROMEO and PARIS enter.

PARIS

Stop thy unhallow'd toil, vile Montague!

Can vengeance be pursued further than death?

Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee:

Obey, and go with me; for thou must die.

ROMEO

I must indeed; and therefore came I hither.

Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man;

Fly hence, and leave me: think upon these gone;

Let them affright thee. I beseech thee, youth,

Put not another sin upon my head,

By urging me to fury: O, be gone!

By heaven, I love thee better than myself;

For I come hither arm'd against myself:

Stay not, be gone; live, and hereafter say,

A madman's mercy bade thee run away.

PARIS

I do defy thy conjurations,

And apprehend thee for a felon here.

ROMEO

Wilt thou provoke me? then have at thee, boy!

They fight

ARTHUR

Ah! I know now whither we art in the play.

ALFRED

Good, because I hath lost the thread.

PARIS

O, I am slain!

Falls

If thou be merciful,

Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.

Dies

ROMEO

In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face.

Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris!

What said my man, when my betossed soul

Did not attend him as we rode? I think

He told me Paris should have married Juliet:

Said he not so? or did I dream it so?

Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet,

To think it was so? O, give me thy hand,

One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!

I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave;

A grave? O no! a lantern, slaughter'd youth,

For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes

This vault a feasting presence full of light.

Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.

Opens tomb

ARTHUR

Wait! The lady is not dead!

ROMEO

Thee again! Has't thou come to mock me in mine grief?!

ALFRED

No, tis true! The lady is not dead!

The lady tooketh a potion that would giveth that lady the comeliness of death, without being felled in its maw.

BALTHAZAR comes forward

BALTHAZAR

What sorcery is this? Who art thee that knoweth this?

ARTHUR

Ah! I forgot that that gent wast thither.

ALFRED

Thy mind is like a candle burnt in its fusty age, Arthur.

Enter, at the other end of the churchyard, FRIAR LAURENCE, with a lantern, crow, and spade

FRIAR LAURENCE

Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night

Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?

ARTHUR

Anon, hither is one that wilt tell the truth! 

Holy one, telleth those folk of thy deception, lest both children beest lost this night.

BALTHASAR

Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well.

Of these other two, I knoweth not.

ALFRED

Friends as well.  Sirrah Pastor-

FRIAR LAURENCE

Friar.

ALFRED

Whatever. Tell Romeo that Juliet tooketh a potion that only maketh that lady catch but a wink.

Behold, the lady wakes!

JULIET wakes.

JULIET

Romeo?  Oh Romeo!

ROMEO

Juliet!

ROMEO and JULIET embrace.

ARTHUR

I feel an ill wind coming from this.

ALFRED

I care not. Our mission is done. On to Padua, aye?

ARTHUR

Aye. Then Venice. Then England, then home. God help us.

ROMEO

Wait! Valorous sirs, allow us to travel with thee.

ARTHUR

[Taken aback] Thee jest, surely.

JULIET

We wilt nev'r beest safe hither, kind sirs.

If thou has't done this much for us, please aid us further still.

ALFRED

Arthur? Tis only to Padua. ...How far is Padua?

ARTHUR

Far enough. No, Romeo, Juliet. We has't done too much already. We bid thee a good luck upon thy escape.

ROMEO

Wait! We can payeth thee.

I mean no offense, but thou has’t the visage of men of modest means.

We can payeth for thy travel, food, lodging. Thee sail to England, aye?

I can help thee find passage to thy homeland.

ARTHUR and ALFRED examine their pockets.

ALFRED

That sounds like an excellent idea. What sayeth thee, Arthur?

ARTHUR

Very well. We shalt take thee upon thy offer.

Come, let us depart. To Padua.

Exeunt

Chapter Text

ACT 2

SCENE I. The frontiers of Mantua. A forest.

Enter ALFRED, ARTHUR, ROMEO and JULIET

ARTHUR

How couldst thou pick a mortal arbitrament

with the coachman, thou buffoon!

ALFRED

A punishment I wilt glady take!

He spake things most foul about merry England.

ARTHUR

From whence thee dost not rightly hail!

Thou hast a terrible sickness to taketh the

mantle of hero when one hast nay ne'd of one!

ROMEO

Tis commendable thee art such steadfast friends, but

I doth not bethink we art on the road to Padua any longer.

JULIET

Romeo, I fear this uncertain wood. 

Thither may beest bandits beyond the green curtains.

ROMEO

Fear not, I shalt protect thee as long as there is breath in mine body.

JULIET

Oh Romeo.

ALFRED

[Aside to ARTHUR] How long shalt these young lovers keepeth to this poetic line?

Their sweet sycophantic verse offendeth mine ears.

ARTHUR

Wast ‘t not for thine actions, those young doves would beest in the

immortal realm by now and thee would hadst not heareth of ‘t.

Enter certain outlaws.

Third Outlaw

Throw us that thou hast about thee:

If not: we'll make thee sit and rifle thee.

ARTHUR

Oh no.

JULIET

Romeo, we are undone; these are the villains

that all the travellers do fear so much.

ALFRED

[Aside to ARTHUR] Dost thou recognize this play?

ARTHUR

Indeed, I do.  I fear we hath inadvertently interfered once more

as we four hath taken the place of virtuous Valentine and Speed!

ROMEO

Step aside you curs, lest thee taste the sting of mine steel.

ARTHUR

Peace! Peace! My friends--

Know that we art but travelers who flee Verona,

our fortunes malaligned as young lovers cross’d.

These newlyweds wish only sanctuary away

from the dagger’d web their sires spun for them.

First Outlaw

What, were you banish'd thence?

ROMEO

I was.

Second Outlaw

For what offence?

ROMEO

For that which now torments me to rehearse:

I kill'd a man, whose death I much repent;

Bu t yet I slew him manfully in fight,

Without false vantage or base treachery.

First Outlaw

Why, ne'er repent it, if it were done so.

But were you banish'd for so small a fault?

ROMEO

I was, and held me glad of such a doom

Second Outlaw

Hath thee the tongues?

JULIET

My studies therein made me happy, good sirs,

Or else I often had been miserable.

ARTHUR

Wouldst thou commit such an uncivil outrage

as to act violently with a lady in our midst, for I

sense that thou hast gentlemanly blood as well.

ALFRED

[Aside] What game playeth he?

Third Outlaw

Aye, tis true, that some of us are gentlemen,

Such as the fury of ungovern'd youth

Thrust from the company of awful men:

I, myself was from Verona banish’d

For practising to steal away a lady,

An heir, and near allied unto the duke.

Second Outlaw

And I from Mantua, for a gentleman,

Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heart.

JULIET

Ay, me!

First Outlaw

And I for such like petty crimes as these,

But to the purpose--for we cite our faults,

That they may hold excus'd our lawless lives;

And partly, seeing thou art beautified

With goodly shape and by thy own report

A linguist and men of such perfection

As we do in our quality much want--

Second Outlaw

Indeed, because thou art banish'd men and maiden,

Therefore, above the rest, we parley to thee:

Art thou content to be of our consort?

To make a virtue of necessity

And live, as we do, in this wilderness?

First Outlaw

But if thou scorn our courtesy, thou diest.

Third Outlaw

Thou shalt not live to brag what we have offer'd.

ARTHUR

We take thy offer and will live with thee,

Provided that thou doth no outrages

On silly women or poor passengers.

Third Outlaw

No, we detest such vile base practises.

Come, go with us, we'll bring thee to our crews,

And show thee all the treasure we have got,

Which, with ourselves, all rest at thy dispose.

Exit outlaws, ROMEO and JULIET.

ALFRED

Arthur, what hast thou done!

Dost thou liken thyself to a bandit king?

ARTHUR

Thy protests fall on deaf ears,

for I remember times of strife when thou

doth not revile such shadowed practice.

ALFRED

Fie, but I hadth fought for my very right of rule!

Must thou unearth bitter memories at every turn?

I care only how thou planeth to free us from this snare.

ARTHUR

Husht, Alfred. Grant me leave to tell:

Since we hast stumbled upon sir Valentine’s line,

it followeth that the gentleman of Verona is nigh.

We shalt travel with these folk and find the gent,

restoring this tune to its proper chord.

Now come, ere we art miss’d.

Exeunt

SCENE II. Another part of the forest.

Enter ROMEO and ALFRED

ROMEO

Whither might this Valentine beest? We has't

searched the world and hath found ‘t lacking.

ALFRED

I doth knoweth not, but fear not.

Arthur wilt protect Juliet in thy absence.

He hath a way with rogues, though he’d

nev'r admit ‘t.  Though I wonder hast thou

ev'r heard of this gentleman of Verona

from whence thee hail?

ROMEO

I knoweth that gent not. However,

Arthur describes Valentine as a common

man seeking fortune. Tis likely our

paths has't simply nev'r crossed.

ALFRED

Hold. I hear voices. Let us withdraw

ourselves and spy upon this party.

Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA

PROTEUS

Madam, this service I have done for you,

Though you respect not aught your servant doth,

To hazard life and rescue you from him

That would have forced your honour and your love;

Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;

A smaller boon than this I cannot beg

And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

ROMEO

[Aside to ALFRED] Beest these the folk that Arthur seeks?

ALFRED

Nay, twas two men, not one and two of the fairer sex.

ROMEO

Two? I see but one lady.

ALFRED

Art thou blind? Forsooth, the slight one

in pantaloons beest a maiden.

ROMEO

Why, tis true! Tis as laughable as a pig with wings.

Thou wilt nev'r see mine fair Juliet debase her

honor in such an unladylike fashion.

ALFRED

[Aside] How now more than ever

I miss mine own world.

SILVIA

O miserable, unhappy that I am!

PROTEUS

Unhappy were you, madam, ere I came;

But by my coming I have made you happy.

SILVIA

By thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

JULIA

[Aside] And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

SILVIA

Had I been seized by a hungry lion,

I would have been a breakfast to the beast,

Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.

O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,

Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!

And full as much, for more there cannot be,

I do detest false perjured Proteus.

Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

PROTEUS

What dangerous action, stood it next to death,

Would I not undergo for one calm look!

O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,

When women cannot love where they're beloved!

SILVIA

When Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.

Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,

For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith

Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths

Descended into perjury, to love me.

Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;

And that's far worse than none; better have none

Than plural faith which is too much by one:

Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

PROTEUS

In love

Who respects friend?

SILVIA

All men but Proteus.

PROTEUS

Nay, if the gentle spirit of moving words

Can no way change you to a milder form,

I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,

And love you 'gainst the nature of love,--force ye.

SILVIA

O heaven!

PROTEUS

I'll force thee yield to my desire.

ALFRED

Ruffian, let go that rude uncivil touch!

ROMEO

Thou art friend of an ill fashion!

ALFRED

[Aside to ROMEO] That is thy woe?

Not that he was about to commit

a violent act against a lady?

ROMEO

But of course, that too. Yet this

fiend commits a sin most treacherous

to seek the love of his close cousin.

SILVIA

Clearly, a cousin not so close.

PROTEUS

Thee knaves has't no business

interfering in mine love. Have at thee!

They fight. ROMEO stabs PROTEUS in the stomach.  PROTEUS falls.

JULIA

No!  Proteus, my love. No!

PROTEUS

How! Julia!

JULIA

Behold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,

And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.

How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!

O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!

Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me

Such an immodest raiment, if shame live

In a disguise of love:

It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,

Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

PROTEUS

Than men their minds! 'tis true.

O heaven! were man

But constant, he were perfect. That one error

Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:

Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.

What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy

More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

ALFRED

Hold. Didst that fellow not recognize his first love?

Is his mind feeble or his soul?

ROMEO

How is one to telleth when the lady wears such a habit?

ALFRED

That should not maketh the difference!

PROTEUS

Julia, I feel my time draw near.

Lay thy hand upon mine and

give me comfort undeserv’d.

Silvia, sweet lady, forgive me

my trespasses and take mine

dearest Julia under thy wing.

SILVIA

I shalt.

JULIA

Oh, Proteus!

PROTEUS dies.

ALFRED

I doth bethink not such events wast to befall this play.

Enter ARTHUR and JULIET.

ARTHUR

We has't escaped the outlaws, so there beest no need to find-

What in God’s name hath happened? Whose still form lies thither?

ROMEO

A cousin, a lover inconstant, Proteus.

Sweet Juliet, may I beest struck down

ere I forget the love I has't for thee.

ARTHUR

What? What!

ALFRED

Twas not I.

ARTHUR

Fie, no, no! Ominous enough that dead men shalt walk, but thou turn comedy to tragedy!

ALFRED

If ‘t be true tis a comedy, tis not a very good one.

SILVIA

How now, gentlemen. I wilt thank thee for thy appearance.

However, now we art alone, lost in the woods without escort.

May we entreat upon thee further to aid us in our plight?

ROMEO

Of course, sweet nymphs.

‘t would beest unmanly to leaveth thee so.

ARTHUR

And now we collect players like strays.

ROMEO

Travel with us to Padua, thereupon thou shalt find safe passage to thy journey’s end.

Exit ROMEO, JULIET, SILVIA and JULIA.

ALFRED

There's few or none will entertain a thought to Valentine?

Whatever came of the gentleman of Verona?

ARTHUR

I knoweth not, but I fear the answer wilt chill me to my marrow. 

Cometh dear boy.  At least we still has't each other.