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The book slipped from his fingers, waking him up as much as the phone ringing in the kitchen. BJ stood up and popped his back before walking over to answer it. Hawkeye picked the book up from his lap and appreciated BJ’s form through the doorway. His broad shoulders amplified by a white dress shirt, even on their day off, and his long legs ending in worn red slippers.
“Alright,” BJ sighed into the receiver, “thanks for letting me know.”
The crinkles in BJ’s forehead deepened as he ran a hand over them. He walked back into the living room, stopping and standing by the coffee table.
“Yeah?”
“Aunt Jeanine came down with a bad case of the flu. She’s canceling the Christmas festivities to keep anyone from getting sick.”
Hawkeye slid the flap of the dust jacket in between the pages to hold his place. “Damn, I really wanted to surprise Erin.”
“I know.” Flopping onto the couch, BJ briefly inspected Hawkeye’s book before tossing it aside. “At least now we can have a quiet Christmas, just the three of us.” His breath was warm where he nosed against Hawkeye’s temple.
He hummed in agreement. “It’s just a shame we’re already packed and took time off and everything.” The thought of time off with no guests or travel or expectations was tempting, but he and BJ were still young enough - mostly, almost, sort of - to have Christmas plans without needing to recover after. Besides, the holidays were for family and togetherness. And, as much as he adored his family and his life, he and BJ and Erin were together plenty outside of the major holidays. Some of Hawkeye’s favorite childhood memories were when his aunts and uncles would come over the house for days at a time, or when said aunts and uncles left and the house was the best kind of quiet. “Say, Beej,” he lightly punched BJ’s thigh to get his attention.
As always, BJ was already looking.
“We still have a few days before Christmas. What if we fly out and surprise my dad?” BJ hesitated. “It’ll be great! Erin will see real snow - loads of it - and can have real maple syrup for once. Oh, Beej, it’ll be picture-perfect. Like every Barbra Stanwyk film you’ve ever seen rolled into one.”
“Thank God we haven’t updated our life insurance policies in a while.”
“Ha, ha, ha.” Hawkeye stood up, antsy to get the details together now that the plan was forming in his head. “Come on, I’ll call the airline and see if they have anything.”
BJ’s fingers encircled his wrist. “Whoa, cowboy. Aren’t you rushing into this?”
“Rushing? BJ Hunnicutt is asking me if I’m rushing?” A hand unconsciously raised to his chest. “If I remember correctly, I wasn’t the one begging you to come live with me less than a day after touching down in Maine.”
“Hawk.”
“We didn’t even make it twenty four hours before you had your mouth on my-”
“I was there! I remember,” BJ exhaled with a fond laugh, standing up and taking Hawkeye’s other wrist in hand. “I just don’t want you to go sink hundreds of dollars into plane tickets without thinking it through.”
Hawkeye slipped his hands out of BJ’s. “I have thought it through and it’s brilliant! We haven’t seen dad in a year and a half and I know he’s not doing anything but moping around the house with his crosswords.”
The tile clicked under his feet as he paced toward the phone, ready to settle for a flight to Boston and trying to determine how much to spend.
“We’d only be there for a few days, Hawk.” Slippers tapped into the kitchen behind him. “Don’t you want to wait until the summer when we can enjoy it for longer?”
“It’s not an issue of Maine, it’s an issue of Christmas.”
“I’m just saying, we can save the money and the miles for later. When they’re worth more.” BJ bounced on his heels, hands stuck adorably and infuriatingly in his pockets.
“Worth more?” The question, falling aghast out of Hawkeye’s mouth, seemed to give BJ pause. “I know you don’t have any particular attachment to your childhood but this is my home, Beej. This is my dad. It’s always worth it.” His fingers wrapped around the cool plastic of the phone.
“I’m not saying it isn’t important , I just don’t know why you’re so hung up on going.”
He let his hand slip down the receiver and twirled the cord between his fingers. “I just want to have a nice vacation with my family, is that so much to ask?”
“We can have that here, Hawk.”
Usually he and BJ didn’t fight this long on important things. There was either a much bigger problem at hand or BJ didn’t think this was big enough to take seriously. Either option made Hawkeye’s chest hurt. “Well maybe I just want to go. Is that a crime?”
“Of course not! Just - shouldn’t we at least sleep on this?”
Hawkeye cocked his head. “And waste precious hours? BJ, you love surprises, I don’t understand the hold up.”
A cloud of confusion passed across BJ’s face as his mouth opened and closed, unsure of which words to start with. All in all he looked a little lost.
“Are you worried about Erin flying?”
“Yes!” He perked up, clapping once in agreement. “Yes, that.”
“Beej.”
”She’s still so little and you know how much she likes to fidget and ask questions now.”
“I can’t believe it! You’re lying to me!”
BJ’s eyes went wide with guilt. “Okay, I’m not worried about her flying. But…” He trailed off, glancing wildly around the kitchen.
Half-wishing he had already picked up the phone so he could slam it down, Hawkeye crossed his arms and settled in to listen to BJ’s evasion.
“It’s just… it’s just, do you think she’d be alright spending time with someone who’s not technically, really family?”
Some cosmic vacuum must have turned on somewhere to suck the air out of the room that fast. “Excuse me?” Hawkeye’s voice was dangerous in his own ears. A tidal wave of gut-wrenching clarity washed over him. “Where the fuck do you get off saying that?” BJ immediately straightened, horrified and regretful. “Just because I didn’t carry Erin for nine months, I’m not family and neither is dad? Just because I couldn’t get all dolled up in white and drag you down to city hall means none of this is real?”
“Of course I don’t think that -“
“Is any of this real to you, BJ?” He was yelling now. And vaguely grateful that Erin was at school and the neighbors were at work. “Because it’s real to me but I can’t take it if this is just playing house to you. This… this isn’t about keeping score but I moved across the country for you, Beej. I’m all in on this - on you! But if you’re not all in then I don’t want any part of it.”
“Hawkeye, come on. You know that I don’t… that’s not how I think about us.”
Hawkeye leveled him with a glare. “You could have fooled me.”
“I love you, Hawk.” BJ raised his arms in a gesture half-way between an embrace and an attempt to calm a wild animal. Hawkeye fell back a step. The grief and disappointment on BJ’s face was almost enough to make him feel bad.
In the stretching seconds of quiet calm Hawkeye made a decision. “I’m going to Maine,” he declared, maneuvering around BJ and toward the staircase. “Whether you and your daughter join is up to you.”
BJ followed him up the stairs and down the hall to their room. “Can we talk about this? Please?”
“Quite frankly, my dear,” the words flung like daggers out of his mouth, “I don’t give a damn what you have to say.” Turning his back on BJ, he hauled his suitcase up onto the bed. As he began to sort through the clothes he packed for a California Christmas he heard BJ walk back downstairs.
Suddenly alone, the adrenaline drained out of his system. He all but collapsed onto the corner of the bed and ran a finger over the stitching in the duvet to quiet his mind. The last time they fought this hard about Erin and Daniel and family all at once it ended in a black eye.
And he was so damn sure this time. About BJ and everything else. He supposed stranger things had happened but Hawkeye was under the impression that this relationship and life they shared was real and mutually full of love and respect.
Most of all he just wanted to talk to his dad.
Hawkeye rubbed at his face with two calloused hands and stood. Meticulously, he replaced the Hawaiian shirts in his suitcase with sweaters and flannels. The midday light caught something on his bedside table, drawing his eye as he tucked wool socks down between his slacks. The photo of him, BJ, and Erin squinting into the camera at the beach in his favorite silver frame.
He placed it between two sweaters before he could think better of it and zippered the suitcase shut.
BJ reappeared in the doorway. “I made lunch. I know I’m not high on your list of favorite people right now, but you should eat.”
A peace offering , Hawkeye’s mind supplied as he followed BJ back into the kitchen. In the form of splitting a pastrami sandwich . He picked it apart and sniffed its contents, only to find it frustratingly, achingly perfect. BJ even used the sharp cheddar that only Hawkeye liked.
They ate in tense silence for several minutes.
BJ swallowed a bite, shuffling potato chips around on his plate with his finger. “Are you going to come back?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.” That wounded look reappeared on BJ’s face. ”Of course I’m coming back.”
The chair creaked as BJ sat back in it. “Well, are we going to talk about it?”
“Talk about it? We’ve spent all morning talking about it, BJ.”
“No, we spent all morning screaming about it.”
Hawkeye dropped his forehead into his hands with all the weight of his racing thoughts behind it. He’d never felt so alone with BJ before. BJ never made him feel so alone. He was furious and distraught and already half-mourning a decision his heart hadn’t fully made yet.
“I’m sorry.” BJ looked old and terribly sad. “You and Daniel mean more to Erin and I than anyone else in the world. I should never have done anything to make you think otherwise.”
The doorbell rang, jolting BJ out of his train of thought. Hawkeye watched him glance across the room at the clock.
“You should get that, Hawk.”
The festering rage - which may have tempered slightly during BJ’s apology - screamed in his chest. “BJ.” A warning.
“Please.” Tears pooled in the corners of BJ’s eyes.
Pushing back from the table with a huff, Hawkeye stalked to the front door. The house never seemed so short before. He paused in the foyer to take a deep breath and mitigate some of his anger from overflowing onto whatever poor delivery boy or neighbor was waiting. The happy-go-lucky Uncle Hawkeye routine didn’t sound like something he could pull off right now. He cleared his throat and swung open the door.
“Dad?”
Daniel gathered Hawkeye into a hug that nearly threw him off balance. “Hawkeye! It’s so good to see you!”
“You’re, you’re here?”
Pulling back to look him in the eye, Daniel pat him on the cheek. “You bet your bottom dollar.”
“Come on in, dad,” Hawkeye encouraged when he finally recovered some from the surprise. “BJ’s in the kitchen.”
He stooped to pick up his father’s luggage and listened to the excited voices floating down the hallway. The sound of a happy reunion seemed at odds with the warring emotions muddling in his brain. He took as much time as he thought he could get away with before he followed his dad.
Daniel threw an arm around BJ’s shoulders. “We got him good, didn’t we?” They wore identical, incriminating grins.
“I’ll say,” Hawkeye conceded, rubbing an unbelieving hand across his forehead.
“BJ and I have been planning this for months and - would you believe it - it went off without a hitch.” BJ’s blue eyes were waiting when Hawkeye stole a glance. “Listen, I know we have to catch up before Erin gets home from school, but I really ought to settle in and see a man about a horse.”
“Your room is the first one on the left at the top of the stairs.” Some sort of joke wormed its way into BJ’s voice. “Bathroom’s at the end of the hall.”
“Thanks, son.” Daniel clapped him on the back and took his suitcase on the way out.
BJ moved their dishes to the sink.
“For months, huh?”
“Mmhmm.”
“I’m guessing that means that Aunt Jeanine doesn’t have the flu?”
BJ turned to look at him, a small glimmer back in his eye. “She was never even planning on hosting Christmas.”
Taking a shaking breath for want of anything substantive to say, Hawkeye went with the first thing that popped into his head. “You’re quite a guy, Beej.”
“I owe you one hell of an apology, Hawk. I wasn’t thinking, I was just saying words and trying to string together half-assed reasons for you not to bolt out that door. I didn’t know what I was saying which is a bullshit excuse but it’s all I have. I never meant for any of it to land, and I certainly didn’t mean to hurt you with a word of it.” He’d never seen BJ this remorseful and sober.
“I’m sorry too. I mean, I didn’t need to explode like that.”
BJ took a panicked step forward. “No, no, you didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t imagine how I would have reacted if some cad told me any of that.” Hawkeye exhaled a laugh. “You’re family. You and Daniel. Erin adores both of you and I - well, so do I. You’re the most real thing in my life, Hawkeye, and I can’t believe I let you think any differently.”
“I know, Beej.” His arms slipped around BJ’s hips, his hands untucking and sliding up under his shirt. “This may take me a while to get over but I love you, you sick bastard.”
“I know.”
It was awfully hard to think and put words together when BJ leaned in like that, their noses bumping. “Just promise me one thing. Next year?”
“No surprises?”
“No surprises.”
BJ kissed him, hesitant and passionate all at once, before pulling away with a warm hand on Hawkeye’s jaw. “Come on, Hawk. We should clean the kitchen: Erin will want to bake cookies with her grandfather when she gets home from school.”
***
Cookies baked and dinner eaten, the four of them retreated to the living room for the evening. Daniel and Erin spread out on the floor in front of the television set to play a particularly intense game of checkers while Hawkeye reclined against BJ on the couch. Christmas music from the radio washed them in a warm golden feeling. Hawkeye’s book laid open but forgotten on his lap as he watched the checker game and let BJ absentmindedly draw patterns on his arm with the hand draped around his shoulders.
BJ’s lips were soft against his ear as he leaned in. “You know, I’ve been thinking.”
“Always dangerous,” Hawkeye whispered back, feeling BJ’s smile.
“I could write Father Mulcahy. See if he wouldn’t mind flying out. We could have a quiet, off the record ceremony in the backyard with Erin and Daniel and Peg and Lois.”
Some sappy, romantic part of Hawkeye’s heart - which, to be fair, was a good deal of it - melted. “I can’t wear white.”
“I’m sure I don’t mind.”
Hawkeye turned around so they could continue their hushed conversation face to face. “Is that what you want, Beej?”
BJ pushed long, sure fingers through Hawkeye’s hair to keep it out of his face. “I want it if you do.”
“That sounds like the shindig of the century and I know you love a party, but,” he drew in a breath, “I’m happy with what I’ve got. I don’t need rings and vows and witnesses if I have you and Erin.”
It may have been the low evening light but BJ almost looked relieved. The hand on the back of his head slid down to rub at his spine. “Me too, Hawk.”
“It doesn’t need to be real on paper for it to be real. I love you without all that.” He fiddled with a button on BJ’s shirt, more for want of something to do with his hands than with any ulterior motive. And perhaps to still the residual wariness in Hawkeye’s mind.
“I just… I don’t want you to ever doubt it. I’m not planning on leaving any time soon but I want you to feel so loved that, if anything happens, it all adds up to one big love note. Since you’re such a stickler for those.”
The only acceptable response Hawkeye could think of was screaming his love from the rooftop, but he was subversive enough already and it was getting late and they were whispering after all. “Beej,” he settled on, pouring as much appreciation into the nickname as he could.
“You’re stuck with me, fella.”
“Thank god. It would take too long to break in a new guy at this point.”
BJ drew him closer and smiled at him from beneath that ridiculous mustache. It was one of those moments that knocked the wind out of Hawkeye when he thought about them too deeply. He was seen, known, and loved, all at once. And it wasn’t out of obligation or a lack of options or dire circumstances. There wasn’t any end penciled into the calendar, either. He was happy of all things, and it didn’t feel like a facade.
Leaning in, he pressed a soft kiss to the skin in front of BJ’s ear. “I wish the guest room wasn’t so close to ours. This is great lead up to even better make up sex.” Hawkeye dragged his teeth along BJ’s earlobe and smirked at the way it made him gasp and resituate himself.
“Mrs. Jacobs says that whispering isn’t nice.” Erin’s small, confident voice immediately caught both of their attentions, although BJ was blushing too hard to put a coherent thought together.
“Oh, you know better than that, Erin my dear,” Hawkeye chastised. “Christmas is a time for secrets.” Daniel shot him an approving wink from the floor.
“But you missed it! I won!”
Hawkeye beckoned her over and hoisted her onto his lap, brandishing an air microphone. He cleared his throat and affected his best announcer voice. “Miss Hunnicutt, what was the key to your latest victory in the all-American game of checkers?”
She pushed away the microphone as he offered it to her. “Hawkeye, you’re being irridiculous again.” BJ snickered over his shoulder.
“Alright, alright, a professional never shares her secrets. Do you have anything you’d like to say to the little people watching at home?”
“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,” she spat into the microphone with a dignified note of finality. Hawkeye smiled, kissing her forehead.
“It’s getting to be about your bedtime, little lady.” BJ reached around Hawkeye to tweak her nose.
Erin tugged at Hawkeye’s sleeve with a shy display of desperation. “Do you think Grandpa could tuck me in tonight?” Out of the corner of his eye, Hawkeye watched BJ and his father exchange a look.
BJ responded in a reasonable tone that was much for Hawkeye’s benefit as it was for Erin’s. “I think if you ask very nicely, he might be able to.” She scrambled out of Hawkeye’s grasp and hit the ground with a thump louder than anyone in the room was expecting. They watched her run up to Daniel and ask in the quiet voice she only used when she was trying to be extra polite. Daniel ruffled her hair before he stood and scooped her up. He shot a worried glance at the checker pieces still strewn across the floor.
Hawkeye waved him on. “Don’t worry, dad, we can get it.”
Daniel and Erin were barely upstairs before BJ was pressed against his side, turning Hawkeye’s head to face him with two fingers on his chin. “We have a whole floor to ourselves now.” Hawkeye obliged him one kiss before pulling back.
“You’re incorrigible. What did you have in mind, kitchen sex for old times’ sake?” Humming in the negative, BJ leaned in to kiss him. “Oh, are we misappropriating the study? I know we usually brush up on anatomy in there anyway but I’m much more willing to brush up on yours.” BJ shook his head, slow and sultry, as he kissed him again. “On the sofa? BJ, what will the checkers think?” After one more lingering kiss, BJ finally obliged him with an answer.
“Are you up for some fumbling in rumble seats?”
“Oh you mean rumbling in fumble seats.”
“Very good,” BJ praised against Hawkeye’s lips.
Hawkeye pushed BJ back toward the seat back and leaned over him. “You and that back seat, Beej. Last time you talked me into that I couldn’t walk straight for a week.”
“You don’t walk straight to begin with.”
“I don’t know if that was a queer joke or a posture joke but either way you better be glad I love you.”
BJ pulled Hawkeye onto his lap and kissed him. “Oh, I am, you better believe me.” They never quite reached a fever pitch in their slow kisses and explorations, more committed to loving on each other than to making love.
Tiny steps on the stairs made them separate before Erin reappeared in her favorite green pajamas. She ambled over to BJ and threw her arms around his neck. “Good night, daddy.”
“Good night, sweet pea.”
Erin yawned as she slid over to Hawkeye, nearly collapsing into his waiting hug. “Good night, ‘Awkeye.”
“Sleep tight, Erin o’ mine.”
Offering them both a sleepy smile, she trudged back to the staircase and up to her room. A quiet settled over them even though the radio still played dutifully on.
“Thanks for bringing him out, Beej. I don’t know if I properly thanked you yet.”
“It was the least I could do for the man I love.” BJ stood up with the sounds of a much older man, clicked off the radio, and stooped to clean up the checker game. “Why don’t you head to bed, Hawk? I shouldn’t take too long.”
Hawkeye rose and offered him a hand. “Leave it. We can clean it up tomorrow. If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to take my husband to bed.”
A familiar thousand-watt smile appeared as BJ took Hawkeye’s hand and gathered him into an embrace.
Upstairs, Daniel waved them goodnight, slipping from Erin’s room back into his own.
Hawkeye unzipped his suitcase and fished out the picture frame, placing it back on his nightstand before moving the luggage to deal with in the morning. He stared at BJ and Erin’s matching smiles as BJ curled up behind him and they drifted off to sleep.