Chapter Text
Unknown Number
Unknown Number: if anyone asks where i am, tell them i’m saving the world from a meurtrière dinosaur who is trying to climb la tour eiffel and release a gas from the top that will turn everyone into lézards so they can turn earth into la planète lézard
Unknown Number: basically just tell them i’m homme-araignée français
Remus: …ok?
Unknown Number: “ok?”
Unknown Number: who are you and what have you done with lily.
Remus: wh
Remus: what
Unknown Number: bien sûr, lily would help me get away with this this
Unknown Number: but she would interroger me a bit first
Unknown Number: donc
Unknown Number: you are not lily
Unknown Number: donc
Unknown Number: who are you and what have you done with lily.
Remus: 1. i don’t know french so i only got about half of that. 2. you are a stranger, therefore i will not be telling you my name. 3. who the fuck is lily
Unknown Number: oh
Unknown Number: merde
Remus: did you just swear at me in french
Unknown Number: oui bien sûr
Remus: *nods and pretends to know what you’re saying*
Unknown Number: oh right
Unknown Number: vous ne parlez pas français
Unknown Number: um
Unknown Number: french is my first language
Unknown Number: but i’m fluent in english too
Unknown Number: just
Unknown Number: not great
Remus: …ok
Remus: i’m guessing this was a wrong number?
Unknown Number: oui
Unknown Number: oops
Unknown Number: *yes
Remus: i know what oui means
Remus: i think basically everyone does
Unknown Number: oh ok
Unknown Number: this was meant for mon ami, lily
Remus: yeah i got that from your little interrogation back there
Unknown Number: désole!
Remus: i guess you should probably get back to texting your girlfriend then
Unknown Number: wait
Unknown Number: you mean lily?
Remus: …yes?
Unknown Number: BSHAHHAHWHWEHEHH
Unknown Number: NOOOO
Remus: …so not a girlfriend?
Unknown Number: WE’RE JUST FRIENDS
Unknown Number: i can’t even imagine
Unknown Number: there’s nothing wrong with her
Unknown Number: she’s lovely
Unknown Number: that’s just really funny
Unknown Number: why did you think that?
Remus: i just thought that “mon ami” meant my love or something
Unknown Number: it means my friend!
Remus: oh
Remus: ok
Remus: that makes sense
Unknown Number: oui
Unknown Number: anyway, i’m guessing english is your first language?
Unknown Number: i’m guessing you do not want to continue speaking, because you didn’t respond
Unknown Number: i will stop bothering you
Unknown Number: au revoir, étranger!
breaking the law as we speak
Prongs: moony
Prongs: moooooooooooooooooony
Wormtail: moooooooooooooo
Moony: are you calling me a cow
Moony: we all know i’m more of a wolf person
Prongs: damn
Prongs: moony gets off a good one!
Moony: no
Moony: please
Moony: i’m begging you
Moony: do not start with that joke again
Wormtail: too late
Wormtail: he’s emotionally attached
Moony: what do you two want
Moony: i was studying, for your information
Prongs: NO YOU WEREN’T
Prongs: MOONY ARE YOU LYING TO US
Prongs: MOONY
Prongs: TELL US THE TRUTH
Prongs: MOONY
Moony: jesus
Moony: fine
Moony: i was responding to a random number
Prongs: KNEW IT
Prongs: wormy you owe me money
Prongs: idk how muhc
Prongs: but you owe me something
Moony: you
Moony: you bet on if i was studying or not
Wormtail: sorry remus
Wormtail: james was unstoppable
Wormtail: it was either betting on if you were studying or trying to break into minnie’s office for the fifth time this week
Moony: WH-
Moony: JAMES?
Prongs: listen
Moony: FIVE TIMES??
Prongs: HEAR ME OUT
Prongs: IT WAS A GOOD IDEA IN THEORY
Moony: NO
Moony: NO IT WASN’T
Moony: NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS A GOOD IDEA
Prongs: YES IT WAS A GOOD IDEA
Prongs: WE WERE GONNA TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE LIKES SO WE COULD GET HER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Prongs: WORMY BACK ME UP
Wormtail: nope
Wormtail: i’m stayinbg out of it
Wormtail: *staying
Prongs: traitor
Moony: i’m leaving this friend group
Prongs: you love us too much to leave <3
Moony: you’re exhausting.
Prongs: love you too <3
the scariest redhead in existence
Lily: sirius
Lily: black
Lily: sirius black
Lily: you connard coquette
Lily: whose texts are you blushing so hard at
Lily: LMFAO YOUR FACE IS SO RED
Sirius: STOP
Sirius: ARRÊTE D'ÊTRE MÉCHANT
Lily: never
Lily: it’s just too easy
Lily: anyway
Lily: WHO
Sirius: NO ONE
Lily: LIES
Sirius: LITERALLY NO ONE
Lily: hm
Lily: i will find out eventually.
Sirius: va te faire foutre
Lily: non merci
Lily: damn now you look like a kicked puppy
Lily: what happened
Lily: devrais-je botter le cul de quelqu'un?
Sirius: no
Sirius: merci quand même
Lily: bien sûr
Lily: anything else i can do?
Sirius: distract me with some of your grade A muggle humor?
Lily: LMFAO
Lily: bien sûr, bien sûr
Lily: tout pour le chien du campus
Sirius: STOPSHHSSDFJN
Lily: bark <3
Sirius: bark <3
random person
Remus: JAMES I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU CALL ME A FURRY ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR PHONE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT’LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN
Remus: i never should've taught you that word
Remus: plus if either of us is a furry, it’s you.
Remus: oh uh sorry
Remus: wrong number
Remus: again
french spider-man: i don’t know what some of the words you just said mean
french spider-man: but i am very intrigued
french spider-man: what is a furry?
the best advice you’ll ever receive because mary knows all
Remus: oh my god
Remus: please help
Remus: i’m such an idiot
Remus: i baffle even myself sometimes
Mary: remus
Mary: what the fuck did you do
Remus: love the support, mary
Remus: i started texting a fancy french person about furries
Mary: i
Remus: don’t laugh
Mary: …
Remus: mary
Mary: BAHAHHDBFJWHRBVEH
Mary: IM SO SORRY BUT
Mary: REMUS
Mary: WHAT THE HELL
Mary: HOW DO YOU GET YOURSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS
Mary: I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU
Remus: BUT MARY
Remus: YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO DO
Remus: THAT’S WHAT EARNED YOU THE TITLE OF BEST ADVICE GIVER IN ALL OF SCOTLAND
Remus: PROBABLU ALL OF EUROPE
Remus: MAYBE EVEN THE WHOLE WORLD
Remus: MARY PLEASE
Mary: FINE
Mary: elaborate.
Remus: this random number texted me
Remus: and it turns out they’re very french and very nice
Remus: and they know english but are most fluent in french
Mary: ok
Mary: and how did furries come into the conversation?
Remus: well
Remus: i left the first conversation after a few minutes bc james and peter were spamming me
Remus: then i accidentally texted the french person instead of james a few hours later
Remus: i said “JAMES I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU CALL ME A FURRY ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR PHONE SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT’LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN”
Mary: damn
Mary: and how did they respond?
Remus: they said they didn't know what a lot of the words meant but that they were intrigued
Remus: and then they asked me what a furry is
Mary: well did you answer
Remus: NO I CAME HERE AND STARTED BEGGING FOR HELP
Mary: DUMBASS
Mary: GO TELL THE LAD WHAT A FURRY IS
Remus: did you
Remus: just say lad
Mary: shut up or i’ll revoke my help
Remus: NO PLEASE
Remus: you just sound so british
Mary: that’s because i am british you fucking idiot
Remus: i thought you were irish
Mary: part irish
Mary: now go explain to your sPeciAL french “friend” what a furry is
Remus: why did you feel the need to write it like that
Mary: GO EDUCATE THE FRENCH ABOUT THE FURRIES
Remus: FINE
Remus: …
Remus: thank you i guess
Mary: you’re welcome lupin
random person
apparently a furry: a furry is a person with an interest in anthropomorphic animals
Sirius: what does that mean?
apparently a furry: which part?
Sirius: anthropomorphic animal
apparently a furry: oh right
apparently a furry: uhhh
apparently a furry: hold on i need to look it up
apparently a furry: it’s an animal with human characteristics
apparently a furry: an animal that sort of looks like a human, or a human that looks like an animal, i guess
Sirius: mon dieu
Sirius: that sounds effroyable
Sirius: why was your james calling you a furry?
apparently a furry: it’s just a stupid joke in our friend group
apparently a furry: we all call each other furries
Sirius: oh
Sirius: so you are not a furry?
apparently a furry: …no
Sirius: …tu es incertain?
apparently a furry: …sorry i have no clue what you’re saying
Sirius: oh right
Sirius: sorry
Sirius: you are uncertain if you are a furry or not?
apparently a furry: no
apparently a furry: i’m not that kind of furry
Sirius: …i do not understand
apparently a furry: jesus
apparently a furry: ok
apparently a furry: final answer
apparently a furry: no i am not a furry
Sirius: ok
Sirius: good to know
the scariest redhead in existence
Sirius: lily
Lily: sirius
Lily: it’s like 3am
Lily: why are you up
Lily: and more importantly
Lily: why are you waking me up
Sirius: aider
Sirius: i think i am a furry
Lily: i
Lily: who told you you’re a furry
Sirius: how do you know about furries but i did not?
Lily: muggle thing
Lily: now answer my question
Sirius: juste quelqu'un à qui je parle
Lily: hm
Lily: suspicious
Lily: well i do know one thing for sure
Lily: you
Lily: sirius black
Lily: are not a furry
Lily: you are an animagus
Lily: there is a huge difference
Lily: like
Lily: many many many kilomètres of a difference
Sirius: oh
Sirius: ok
Sirius: good
Sirius: merci beaucoup
Lily: you’re welcome
Lily: now go to sleep, il est tard
Sirius: you go to sleep too
Lily: well i was asleep until someone woke me up
Sirius: shh je dors
Lily: petite merde
Sirius: bonne nuit, lily
Lily: bonne nuit, sirius