Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jay, Park Jongseong, the second oldest of ENHYPEN and the most reliable one in Heeseung’s eyes (besides Jungwon, but the leader was just a kid himself and Heeseung tries not to depend on him too much), is a lot of things. Good things.

Strong, reliable, confident without being cocky, modest without being too shy, straightforward, honest, emotional without being too annoying, responsible, blunt, almost parent-like, and…and he was pretty, too. Is he allowed to think like that of his best friend, though? Thinking he was really pretty?

If Heeseung he started to list things any further beyond that, he can’t stop going on.

It’s the day of their reunion after being torn away from each other due to six out of seven of them contracting the coronavirus. The members are each picked up from their homes, Ni-ki from the isolation center where he’d been staying, bags slung over their shoulders. He cries when he sees the other members and makes them promise not to ever leave him alone like that again, and swears them to secrecy of this particular event.

“Not even ENGENEs,” he says with what looks like an effort at an intimidating frown but just looks like he’s very relieved and trying to hide it. “No one. Especially not Sunoo hyung, okay?”

The other members agree, teasing Ni-ki the whole time, of course, but secretly, they’re really glad to see each other again, too. Jungwon looks close to tears, too, and Heeseung strokes his hair as they drive home, knowing that the usually put-together leader is the one who was most shaken by the shocking turn of events. It was obvious, the way he was constantly calling them and chattering their ears off.

They complained, of course. But none of them really minded. It was comforting.

Even as Heeseung is stroking Jungwon’s hair and talking to Ni-ki about how lonely things were, his mind is far away. He’s thinking about how Jay froze for a moment when he first climbed into the van and saw Heeseung.

Heeseung isn’t stupid. He knows it’s because Jay accidentally said something he wasn’t supposed to say. The conversation had been sailing along so smoothly, and then…

***

“You know,” Heeseung said jokingly, smirking at Jay on the phone screen, “I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother’s head over heels for you.”

Jay laughed. “I still get war flashbacks from his Flicker imitation,” he grinned back. “That was pretty epic.”

“Yes, because him mocking me in a song you wanted to do is incredibly hilarious. Might I add you also say the exact same line in the version on the album.”

“Actually, yes,” he said seriously, though his eyes twinkled with good humor. “It is pretty hilarious.”

As one, they sang out, Heeseung in the lower pitch from I-LAND and Jay in the higher pitch from their debut album, “kkamppagineun sungan!”

“Speaking of Flicker, Kei hyung called me the other day,” Jay said. “He’s still pretty torn up about Kyungmin leaving and Taki still cries, according to him, but they’re in touch, he says. Kid is apparently an admirer of us, according to ENGENEs. I followed him on my backup account. I don’t think he’s realized yet that it’s really me.”

“Can you really believe that it’s been almost a year since it ended?” Heeseung shook his head. “I miss them, you know. I spoke to Taki a while ago and he didn’t talk about Kyungmin, but seriously, the kid grew up so well. I can’t believe he’s still the same adorable child we all babied.”

“I know,” Jay agreed. “Why are the younger ones growing up so fast? Ni-ki used to be shorter than Sunghoon, and look at him now. Level with you!”

“I’m pretty sure he’s shot past me by now. Do you think it’s likely we’ll ever be allowed to talk about them? I mean, about when we met up for Drunk-Dazed.”

“About as likely as you not being the prettiest—” he paused, realizing he said something he wasn’t supposed to say. “I mean—”

“Me not being the prettiest what?” Heeseung asked, feeling a blush take ahold of him.

“Nothing,” he said hastily. “Talk to you later, hyung.”

The call has ended.

***

Heeseung knows Jay doesn’t know how to act with him off-camera anymore. What he said left Heeseung feeling confused, but he’s pretty sure that Jay meant it differently. Only problem is, he doesn’t know what to make of it. He doesn’t know how to react to it, so he stays silent, and pretending that the idea of Jay thinking he was pretty didn’t give him a rush of inexplicable delight.

When they arrive at home, Sunghoon teasingly pushes Jake to the front of the group. “You caught it first,” he jokes, “so you have to come home first, too.”

“Where is the logic in that?” the Australian boy complains, but keys in the passcode and pushes open the door anyway.

Heeseung breathes in the smell of fresh laundry hanging in the air and looks at Jay, raising an eyebrow. The two of them share the same bemused glance they always do when a member does something unexpected, and then Jay looks away.

“Guys!” a squeal pierces the air and Ni-ki lets an ‘oof’ as Sunoo barrels into him while screaming, “you’re home you’re home you’re really home!”

The next moment, Heeseung’s breath leaves him with a whoosh as Sunoo attacks him with a huge hug, actually crying with relief. “There, there, Sunoo,” he says weakly, patting the shorter boy’s back. “We’re alright now. Did you actually do the laundry?”

“Yep,” the third-youngest pulled back from the hug and beams at him. “I figured that if you hadn’t gotten your clothes washed while you were gone, you’d want to have clean ones when you came back.”

“I certainly need them,” Ni-ki raises a hand.

Sunoo grins widely, then hugs all the members firmly. “It was so lonely, being all alone!” he cries out. “I hated being alone!”

“I missed you guys, too,” Heeseung admits quietly.

“Alright, first order of business!” Jungwon claps his hands, getting everyone’s attention. That easily, he’s already slipping back into the leader role. “Everyone unpack their bags, put dirty clothes in the laundry basketin your separate laundry bags!—and do the chores you’re assigned to today!”

“I wonder if this is his way of coping with sheer emotion,” Sunghoon murmurs to Heeseung quietly.

“I think it is,” Heeseung says. “So we’d better do as he says, right?”

Sunghoon grins at him, knowing he’s right. Within minutes, the members scatter off to do as they’re told, unpacking and getting to their chores with some amount of grumbling but with much efficiency. Heeseung smiles at the familiar sights he missed so much, their daily routines outside of their schedules.

He’s glad to be home with the other members. He loves his family, but after living together with the members day in and day out for more than a year, first on the survival show, then the training camp and back to the show, and then in the dorm, spending so long away from them just feels weird. He knows the others feel much the same too.

***

“I hated not being able to go to school,” Jungwon says, taking another bite of the instant ramyeon that—surprise—Jay made for all of them, declaring that he was much too tired to do anything else. They’re seated around the table they eat at. Heeseung squeezes between Jay and Sunghoon. It reminds him of their trainee days, their seating.

Heeseung could have made it himself, being the ‘ramen expert,’ or even Jake. The two of them aren’t called the ‘Ramyeonz’ for nothing, after all. But he let Jay do it. Similar to Jungwon’s way of coping with the sheer amount of emotion he felt was jumping right back into leader duties, Jay’s strategy for that was to start being the ‘dad,’ as Sunoo sometimes affectionately called him.

He also wasn’t keen on talking to Jay when he’s still avoiding eye contact. He’s talking and laughing away as normal. He’s not avoiding Heeseung anymore. But the severe lack of eye contact feels way too obvious. Jay clearly isn’t comfortable with what he said.

But why? He isn’t the first member to call Heeseung handsome. Most of them have already said Heeseung is so pretty, it must be in the genes. So of course, Heeseung doesn’t think it means anything much at all. Unless Jay…no, that’s stupid.

“School’s on break, though,” Sunoo points out with a snort.

“I know that, it’s just,” he pauses, looking for the right words, “it’s just that I usually default to studying if I can’t do anything else important. I would have gone over my notes and all but I left my bag here.”

“How about you?” Heeseung asks Jay and Sunoo. “Did you both miss it?”

“Hell nah,” Jay scrunches his nose up. “It’s bad enough that I’m the oldest out of them all. It’s worse that at my age I’m still struggling with stuff kids Sunoo’s age struggle with.”

“Hyung, you’re just over a year older than me,” Sunoo laughs. “Even I still struggle with things Ni-ki struggles with!”

“To be fair, I kinda decided school wasn’t important in the seventh grade,” Ni-ki says, swallowing a mouthful. “My parents weren’t happy, and they say that once I start high school, I need to put more effort in.”

“I nominate Jay the brainiac as your tutor,” Jake grins. “Remember what Heeseung hyung said when we filmed—what was it? I think the June review?”

“What?” Heeseung squints at him. “I think I’d remember if I said something about Jay being a tutor or whatever.”

“Nah, you said something about him being able to enter Harvard if he used his brains to study,” Sunghoon says. “Right?”

“Oh, yeah, I did,” Heeseung remembers. “And the point does stand. This boy has so much random information stored away in that brain! I’m ninety-nine percent sure that he only struggles with school because he literally doesn’t have much interest.”

“What does the other one percent say?” Jay asks.

“That you take our job a lot more seriously,” he says with a knowing smile.

Jay nods. “Well, you’re right,” he admits. The two of them grin at each other for a second, and then Jay’s expression shuts down and he looks away. Heeseung’s face falls. He thought they were beginning to come back to normal.

“Whoa, did something happen between you?” Jungwon raises an eyebrow, ever the observant leader. “What was that just now?”

“Nothing,” Heeseung says with a small smile. “We’ve just…we just need to talk about something, is all.”

“Do we?” Jay mumbles.

“Yes, we do,” Heeseung says sharply. He’s angry all of a sudden, and he wants to say a lot of things. The frustrations he’s feeling, actually so small but feeling like so much. But in front of the other members, he holds his tongue and concentrates on finishing his ramyeon. Silence blooms around the table, everyone unsure of what to say next.

“Well…” Sunoo breaks the silence. “Don’t stay mad at each other for too long, okay? We’ve just reunited, and tomorrow we meet ENGENE again altogether like they’ve wanted to, so just—just work it out. You can’t fight when we’ve just gotten back together.”

“Yeah,” Ni-ki agrees, something in his eyes hardening. “We can’t let stupid things divide us when we don’t know the next time we’re going to get separated again.” He looks at Sunoo briefly. “Arguments are going to be things we regret the most, so just—don’t stay mad at each other. We’re home now, and we can’t let it feel like anything else.”

Heeseung blinks, too surprised to comment on the note of sternness in their voices. It occurs to him that the two of them would have felt the loneliest during their quarantining period and short break. While the others had gone home, Sunoo had been alone at home and Ni-ki at the isolation center with just a few BE:LIFT staff members to keep him safe and maybe company. No ENHYPEN members with either of them. No family to stay with them.

It makes sense that they’re the most against any arguments of any kind so soon. They wanted to feel safe again, safe with their members. For the first time in a long while, Heeseung realizes that they’re just kids compared to him. Ni-ki’s only fifteen, nearly sixteen, and Sunoo just turned eighteen a while ago. Kids, compared to his age of nearly twenty years old.

For the first time in a long while, he really feels the need to act as the oldest member. Jay turned nineteen that April, Jake and Sunghoon’s nineteenths are very close, Sunoo eighteen, Jungwon seventeen and Ni-ki’s sixteenth almost upon them. It was September and his and Sunghoon’s birthdays were in December.

He’s going to be twenty in less than a month. He should act like it, shouldn’t he?

So he does. He does the right thing and smiles at them. He promises not to fight, and not just to placate them, either. He promises himself that he won’t argue with Jay. They’ll just calmly talk about why Jay’s been ignoring him all day just because of one thing he said. That’s it.

After dinner, Jake’s on dishwashing duty, which he takes with little complaint. Leaving him to it, the other members scatter to do other things. Sunoo and Ni-ki go to bed, cuddling together. Despite his many complaints, Sunoo actually likes cuddling the maknae, and lets him do it. Heeseung thinks it’s cute.

Sunghoon sits on the couch and texts his younger sister. Heeseung met her once, when she was barely twelve years old, and she clearly inherited her brother and parents’ good looks. She was also rather energetic and talkative, unlike Sunghoon, a man of few words.

Jungwon disappears into the bathroom for a shower, and when he reappears, he heads straight to bed. It seems as if the maknae line gets the message about having to go to bed early for once and the hyung line don’t really care. Well, Jake did, since he emerges from the kitchen and collapses into bed afterwards.

Heeseung sits and stares at the flickering images on the TV. Jay’s beside him, texting someone, and every once in a while, they look up at almost the same time, and then look away. Every time he opens his mouth to say something, Jay stops him with the excuse that he’s still distracted.

They’re at this game for so long that Heeseung’s nerves begin to fray with frustration. Why won’t Jay just talk? Sunghoon’s gotten up and left already. Heeseung’s gone to check if everyone is asleep and they are. So why is Jay being so fucking stubborn? It hurts him, Jay’s lack of willingness to talk.

For some reason, he feels close to tears. Maybe it’s because since their trainee days, Jay’s been one of his closest friends. Jungwon and Sunghoon were there, too, and several other trainees, along with the members of TXT. Taehyun, his closest friend out of the bunch, the one he’s not that awkward with. Beomgyu, his fellow 01 liner.

But Jay’s always, always been…different. For as long as Heeseung’s known him, most people tend to skate over the fact that he’s really a hard worker, a truly sincere person, and an amazing friend, choosing to focus on the other parts.

The parts where he talks a lot and ends up embarrassing himself. The parts where he acts impulsively, is incredibly stubborn, has a short temper, and does stupid things, making everyone laugh at him. The imperfect parts of him he doesn’t hide as much as some idols do—the parts he doesn’t need to hide, in Heeseung’s opinion, because they’re all parts that make up who he is. The parts that don’t affect his goodness.

The people they know choose to focus on this too many times, hell, even so many of their own fans. Heeseung knows Jay finds comfort in the fact that he has people by his side who genuinely believe in him, and that many ENGENEs are firmly set on the fact that he’s more than just a clown. Heeseung once found Jay crying after he read a letter from one that strongly declared Jay as her role model to work harder and plough on through the difficulties of life. To never give up.

But right now, his stubbornness is the reason Heeseung feels tempted to whack him, hard, on the head. His stubbornness is getting in the way of their relationship dynamic, and although they fight like this all the time, this one feel way too scarily real. More real than any other times they’ve fought.

So he snaps. He reaches his breaking point after sitting there for almost an hour.

“I’ve had enough,” he says angrily, swiping Jay’s phone, switching on silent mode, and tossing it to the far end of the couch before Jay can snatch it back. “We are not ignoring this any longer.”

“Hyung!” Jay’s eyes flare angrily. “What the hell was that for?”

“For ignoring me!” he nearly yells. “What is going on, Jay? You’ve been giving me the cold shoulder since you got into the van this morning, more than twelve hours ago! I’ve tried and tried to talk to you all day but you’re refusing to speak to me? What did I do?”

Jay glares at him angrily, still refusing to talk.

“Is it because of what you said the other day?” Jay flinches at this, so Heeseung ploughs on. “One thing you said? Do you think I’m mad at you for that?”

“It’s more of I don’t know what to say around you after that,” he finally admits after a silence of nearly a minute. “It’s—I wasn’t supposed to say that, not ever.”

“Jay, you’re not the first person to call me pretty, and you won’t be the last,” Heeseung says in exasperation. “Even the other members call me pretty all the time. You know that. Why does it matter so much?”

“You know why!” Jay bursts out, turning away angrily. “Stop asking me that!”

“Then what am I supposed to ask you?!” Heeseung cries out, so frustrated that he grabs Jay by the shoulder and turns him around. “What am I supposed to ask, Jay? If that’s seriously the reason you’re ignoring me, then—” he falters, a thought popping into his head, “—then I—I don’t even know what to say!”

“I didn’t mean to ignore you,” Jay retorts. “I told you that I didn’t know what to—”

“Then explain to me why you weren’t letting me talk to you!” Heeseung’s leaning close now, so angry that he doesn’t even know where all this anger is coming from. “I didn’t spend days at home wishing to come back to this dorm, one of the few places I consider an actual home, to be subjected to the silent treatment by my best friend!”

Jay’s eyes flicker with something like hurt and regret. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, all the fight going out of him. “I’m really sorry, hyung. I’m just—I’ve been so—” he shakes his head. “I’m just surprised you haven’t connected the dots yet.”

“Connected what dots?” Heeseung asks, confused. “Jay, what are you—”

Then he gets it, at the same time Jay says, “it’s not important. Forget I said that, it’s another one of the dumb things I keep saying.”

Heeseung stares at him, eyes blown wide open. “Jay, do you—”

“Of course it clicks now,” Jay mumbles, getting to his feet and walking away without another word. Heeseung doesn’t even stop him; he doesn’t know how to. Jay walks into the bedroom quietly, leaving Heeseung to silently have his mind blown by one fact:

Jay likes me.

***

Things are now officially very weird between the two of them. They quite literally don’t know what to say around each other anymore, and it’s the worst point of time in their long friendship, ever.

“Here’s the last of the clothes,” Heeseung says, hauling the box out of the makeup room into the living room and dragging it next to the spot where the TV used to be. Before they officially commence their comeback, they’re moving to a different dorm, and Heeseung is responsible for packing all of their clothes into seven different boxes.

It reminds him of when he and his family had moved to a bigger house, when he was about twelve years old and too big to share a room with his then-fourteen-year-old brother, and he was in charge of packing his own things with the help of his brother for the more fragile items. This time, he’s on his own.

Jake pops his head around the bedroom door. “Everyone clear some space by the door,” he yells. “They’re going to bring out the pieces of the beds!”

Instantly, Heeseung and Jay scramble to remove the stacks of boxes by the front door. Ni-ki comes over to help them, and in a few minutes, they’re safely stacked in a different corner. Even as they do this, Heeseung and Jay don’t exchange so much as a word. They barely even look at each other.

Sunoo and Jungwon emerge from the kitchen, each carefully carrying the boxes in their arms. “Here’s all the plates and cups and stuff,” Jungwon says, wincing at the clatter the box makes as he sets it down. “And yes, we did remember to put cloths and stuff at the bottom. We used a lot of bubble wrap from Ni-ki’s punching bag.”

Ni-ki’s head shoots up. “Hey, I was saving those to pop,” he complains with a frown.

At that moment, Heeseung and Jungwon’s fathers emerge from the bedroom, lugging the different pieces of their bed frames. The two of them agreed to help with the moving process. The members move out of their way, continuing to pack up everything else left while the men load the bed frames onto the truck waiting outside.

Sunghoon appears in the doorway as soon as Mr. Lee and Mr. Yang move through. He’d been watching everything get loaded on, kind of like a security guard in case of emergencies. “Hey, it looks like it’s going to rain soon,” he says. “Hurry up with the packing. Heeseung hyung, your dad said to start bringing the boxes out so they can drive it to the new dorm before it does rain.”

“Sure, thanks,” Heeseung responds. He beckons to Sunoo, who helps him to take their boxes of clothes outside first. Each of the members grab their own box, including Sunghoon, and they take it outside, sliding them into the back of the truck.

Then Sunghoon and Jay each carefully carry the boxes of kitchen supplies while Jungwon and Sunoo carry the box with theirs and Jay’s school textbooks and stationeries in them. Ordinarily, they would have given them away, but their school had reminded them not to since they’d need it for revisions the following year.

Within fifteen minutes, with the work of seven boys plus two men, the entire dorm is cleared out. Heeseung stares at it for a few minutes, feeling a sense of déjà vu, to when they first moved in, and even then, it hadn’t been completely empty, the way it was now. He’s going to miss this place a lot. He has a lot of good memories of the place.

“Heeseung hyung, come on,” Jake calls from behind him. “We have to go.”

Heeseung turns around and quickly walks toward their van, waiting to take them to their new home. When he gets into it, his heart skips a beat seeing the only free space beside Jay. Of course, even when he sits beside him, Jay doesn’t say anything. Neither does he.

What is there to be said? Heeseung doesn’t know, that’s for sure. Ever since the fact that Jay likes him as more than a friend, as a crush, hit him like a truck a week ago, there’s been almost no communication between them whatsoever. Even the members have noticed, but they’re too afraid to ask what happened.

Jay is clearly uncomfortable that Heeseung figured it out. These days, he can barely look Heeseung in the eye without looking embarrassed. It’s also easier to see the heart eyes he sometimes gives Heeseung, and frankly…that leaves him with absolutely no idea of what to do.

He’s not disgusted, or repulsed, or anything like that. He knows it means Jay isn’t straight, and he doesn’t care about that. He knows it doesn’t change who Jay is, or how he feels about Jay. The only thing getting in the way of their relationship is the fact that out of all the people in the world, he’s the subject of Jay’s feelings.

He’s just confused about his own feelings, how he feels. He’s never had a crush before.

For most of his life, he’d been too busy with other things to spare much of his thoughts to romance. When he was young, he didn’t really care, of course. As he grew up, he had pondered the idea of crushes, but before long, he’d become a trainee at Big Hit and that, along with school, had taken up most of his life. Then he had gone on to I-LAND, and now ENHYPEN. Not much time in between for a love life. Navigating these kinds of things is completely new territory for him.

Is what he feels for Jay romantic? He does think Jay is pretty, beautiful, even. He does want to be with Jay twenty-four-seven, but he also would like to be with the other members all the time. For the most part, his view of Jay hasn’t changed much since they first met. He doesn’t get the butterflies-in-the-stomach part, and he doesn’t feel like giving Jay the heart eyes he’s usually the subject of. (Does he?)

Mostly, he just feels happy in Jay’s presence. Admittedly, he does feel a bit empty when Jay’s not there, but that’s probably because they’ve spent so many years together. The warmth that he feels when Jay holds his hand or hugs him—he feels that with plenty of people. Even if Jay’s touch feels somewhat different, he doesn’t think it qualifies.

Does it? He groans softly and closes his eyes, feeling too aware of Jay’s presence next to him. He’s giving himself a headache over this. He’s a singer who sings about romance often, but romance itself is too much to think about. Why is romance so complicated?

Somehow, he’s reminded of the song they’re going to release in a couple of weeks along with their first studio album, Just A Little Bit. He recalls the lyrics in the bridge he sings, with that high, sustained note he does: I feel like I’m falling for the first time, to an uncomfortable yet sweet feeling. Does he feel like that? He isn’t sure.

“Heeseung hyung?” Ni-ki’s head pops up over the back of the seat in front of him. “Are you alright? I’ve been calling your name for a few seconds now.”

“Yeah, just lost in thought,” Heeseung says. He realizes with an inner jolt that Jay’s fallen asleep and his head is resting on Heeseung’s shoulder. On Jay’s other side, Sunghoon sleeps silently as well, head tilted forward, chin touching his chest. “What is it you need?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to ask you if we could play games after dinner tonight,” the maknae looks hopeful. Heeseung winces at having to disappoint him.

“Sorry to disappoint, kid, but we’ll be up pretty late unpacking and all,” he says regretfully. “How about tomorrow?”

“We have practice for the comeback show in the evening, and if we’re up late, we’re going to sleep late,” Ni-ki reminds him. “It’s okay, we can make time later.”

He turns back around, leaning against Sunoo, who makes a sound of surprise but doesn’t push him away, either. Heeseung smiles. For a while now, he’s been noticing some differences in their relationship, and the heart eyes Ni-ki sometimes gives Sunoo aren’t too far-off from the ones Jay gives him, either. It’s cute, how their friendship is slowly evolving into something more. Heeseung thinks it’s good for Ni-ki, who’s so far from home, to find someone he can genuinely love and appreciate and vice versa.

That reminds him of his own situation and alerts him to the fact that Jay, in his sleep, is leaning closely into Heeseung. Just like he’s always done since they were kids falling asleep together in the training room.

While a part of him feels guilty that he leans right back in, knowing full well how Jay feels, another part of him cherishes the warmth and the comfort he finds in the small action. Such a small thing they’re doing, but one so familiar.

***

“Wake up,” a voice says. “You’re home.”

Heeseung blinks awake. “Huh?” he mumbles out, staring at the grinning face of his father. “Dad? What’re you doing in our van?”

“Helping you move, obviously,” he says. “Stop cuddling Jongseong back there and come on. Your friends are already helping to unload.”

The cuddling comment wakes his brain completely and he flushes red, pulling away from a now awake Jay, who also pulls away with a faint redness in his ears. “Sorry,” he mumbles, not looking at Heeseung at all. “Didn’t realize I was doing that.”

“I’m just as guilty,” Heeseung points out, scrambling out of the van ungracefully. His father barely stifles his giggles and Heeseung glares at him.

The three of them make their way to the trucks with the boxes, finding that the others have unloaded most of them already. Sighing to himself, Heeseung starts pulling boxes down and sets them aside, remembering that the truck drivers were on a tight schedule. He can relate to that. The clouds look like they’re going to pour down rain any second.

“Hurry up,” a driver, the one who’s about the same height as Heeseung and Ni-ki, orders. “We don’t have all day to wait for you spoiled brats.”

Jay pauses, turning to him. “Excuse me?” he grinds out, voice low and threatening. Heeseung steps forward and grabs his arm, pulling him back. His head whips around, mouth opening to protest, but Heeseung gives him a warning look.

“Not worth it,” he hisses. “Drop it and get on with the boxes.”

Jay stares at him for a moment, then sighs and nods. He ignores the drivers completely and passes a box to Heeseung, taking the last one himself and grunting with effort as he lugs the heavy thing inside. Heeseung follows, thinking that the boxes weren’t this heavy last time he checked.

The new dorm is much bigger than their last, with three bedrooms instead of one. Already, he can see Ni-ki eyeing the doors. “Not yet,” Jungwon beats him to it by warning the maknae. “We do not argue over bedroom arrangement just yet.”

“Yep,” Heeseung agrees. “First we set up the kitchen. That’s the most important.”

“Technically, it’s the bedrooms,” Sunoo says, “but whatever works for you.”

“Hey, we’re seven teenagers with a desire to eat a lot,” Jake laughs. “Besides, we haven’t eaten since breakfast and we’ll be up late unpacking. We do deserve some food afterwards, so it makes sense.”

Sunghoon points at him. “I like your logic.”

“It’s also more logical to decide on the rooms first so we can get on with setting up the bedrooms while you do the kitchen,” Jungwon’s father points out. The members make ‘ah’ noises, realizing he was right.

“Rock-paper-scissors,” Jake calls out instantly. “In true Big Hit style!”

“We’re not exactly Big Hit, but okay,” Jay rolls his eyes. As they gather around, Heeseung accidentally bumps into him and he instantly draws away, looking at anywhere but the oldest. It irritates Heeseung, but what can he do in front of the others? When he’s doing his own part in acting weird around Jay?

“How about we do two-two-three,” Sunoo suggests. “They all look pretty big, especially the last one.”

“Three?” Sunghoon frowns. “That many in one room?”

“Hey, we all used to be in the same room,” Heeseung reminds him. “Roommates are gonna be a fundamental part of the idol life.”

“You know, hyung,” Ni-ki muses, “that room looks too small for two people. How about we give it to just one person? Then it would be one-two-four, but it works—”

“Your plan is to score it for yourself, isn’t it?” Sunoo asks shrewdly. Ni-ki flushes.

“Let’s just play and decide!” he whines. Heeseung laughs and pats his head.

They do rock-paper-scissors, and surprisingly, the room goes to Heeseung. Ni-ki is clearly disappointed by this, but when pointed out that if he had gotten that one, it would have meant he would have no one’s bed to sneak into in the middle of the night, he cheers up by a good bit.

The second room is the one Jay and Jake decide to share, their basis for choosing each other being that they play games together a lot. The final room is where the maknae line and Sunghoon end up, and he exaggeratedly sighs. “Stuck with three little hellions,” he says with an aggrieved expression.

Sunoo pokes him in the ribs. “I’m literally just a few months younger than you.” That is true, since Sunghoon’s in December of 2002 and Sunoo’s in June of 2003. They have about six months between them.

And so, they begin unpacking. While Jay and Jungwon go to clean up the dusty kitchen and place everything where it belongs, and Heeseung helps to set up the living room furniture with his father, Ni-ki, Jake, Sunghoon and Sunoo assist with the bedroom furniture. Jake and Sunghoon already know how to set up wardrobes and such, so they go off to do that while Ni-ki and Sunoo watch and learn, helping out.

By ten p.m., after nearly seven hours’ worth of grunt work, everything is set up in the dorm. Heeseung steps back with satisfaction after connecting the last wire on the TV. “Onto the cleaning,” he calls to everyone.

There’s some scattering of groans, but everyone is too good spirits to complain too much. There’s something exhilarating about moving into a new house and seeing everything transform from a hot mess to a livable space, cozy and comfy like it needs to, to be called a real home.

Somehow, Heeseung and Jay find themselves on sweeping duty together. As usual, they’re doing it silently, without a single word to each other, and this time, Jay isn’t looking at Heeseung at all. Quietly, aware that Mr. Lee is watching them, they sweep up all the rooms, getting rid of the dust and the wood shavings.

When they’ve cleaned up the whole place, they tell the others to put their mattresses in place and do their own sheets and pillowcases. They do it themselves too, and for a moment, Heeseung is grateful to be alone in his room. In the lighting of the dim yellow night light, he can see well enough and it relaxes his brain, too.

As he shoves his pillows into the pillowcases with too much force, he wonders if it’s a good thing that he’s going to be alone with his thoughts every single night.

***

“To our new home,” Jay says quietly, holding up his glass of soju. Heeseung raised his own, while the rest of the 02z line settled for their glasses of juice.

The maknaes had gone to sleep long ago, exhausted and completely spent after unpacking all of their belongings and putting them where they belonged. They had been so determined to finish everything that by twelve a.m., not a single box remains. Despite what they had said about deserving a meal earlier, none of the maknaes were in the mood to eat. They had showered and gone straight to bed.

That leaves the 02z line and Heeseung awake. They’re tired, too, but too wired to sleep. Besides, Jay and Heeseung had slept earlier for a while, and as messed up as their sleep schedules are, it’s enough to keep them going for the next couple of hours. Now its two a.m., and Jake is already nodding off.

Heeseung plays with the sleeve of his sweater, his soju glass on the coffee table in front of him, thinking about how the day had gone. He’s tempted to call it a success, but considering he and Jay are still not on speaking terms, it doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t want to admit it out loud, but he misses their casual exchanges, their secret looks whenever a member does something, whenever they’re planning something, the feel of Jay’s hand in his, and just Jay in general.

He wants his best friend back, and his father’s the one who knocked that revelation into his head. He shudders slightly as he remembers how that conversation had gone.

When Heeseung emerges into the living room after taking a shower, he’s surprised to find that it’s empty save for his father. A quick listen, however, tells him they were all in their rooms, so he sits down next to Mr. Lee, realizing that even when he had gone home after he was tested negative, they hadn’t spent any time together.

“Did something happen between you and Jongseong?” his father finally asks after a silence. Heeseung flinches, caught off-guard, but he manages to make his voice sound normal.

“Why do you ask?”

“You’re barely talking to each other, and even avoiding looking at each other,” Mr. Lee says. “I’ve known you both to be best friends for years, Heeseung, and you’ve never acted like this. What happened between you two?”

“We just…argued,” he settles to say. “We just haven’t worked it out yet.”

“Clearly you both miss each other, so why won’t you? It’s going to affect the team. You know that.”

“It’s a little more complicated than just a single talk,” Heeseung says, irritated now. “And what do you mean, ‘clearly miss each other’?”

“The van, earlier.”

“Oh.” Despite himself, he blushes hotly. “Right. Well, we’ll work on it. We know better than to let it affect the team. We’ve had a couple of recordings already and we’re able to get along just fine.”

“Pretend to get along just fine, you mean,” Mr. Lee says sternly. “I want you to work it out as soon as possible, Lee Heeseung. Neither of you are happy with how your relationship is right now, and you miss each other, that much is obvious. Fix it. Make up. Your friends have noticed, too.”

Heeseung knows his dad his right. He misses Jay so much. Although they’ve been together this whole time, physically at least, it doesn’t feel that way. Pretending to get along fine on-camera isn’t helping their situation one bit, although if he’s being honest, he finds some level of relief in those moments when they’re on camera, because at least then he knows how he’s supposed to behave with Jay. He knows that’s not how it should be.

“I’ll work on it,” he tells his father quietly.

“Heeseung hyung?” Sunghoon pokes his arm. “You’re spacing out.”

“Oh. Sorry,” he says, picking up his soju glass and taking a sip. Truthfully, it isn’t the best idea to drink it when they’re so beat up and so late at night, but it’s not like neither he nor Jay really care. It’s just two glasses, though that’s enough to make him somewhat tipsy. Wow, he must really be tired, then.

“I’m going to bed,” Jake yawns. “I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“I second that,” Sunghoon says, getting to his feet. “Good night, hyung, Jay.”

“Night,” Jay mumbles as they head into their bedrooms. Heeseung is suddenly and acutely aware of the fact they’re all alone, he and Jay, but tries not to let it get to him.

When Jay tries up to leave without another word, Heeseung stops him. “Wait, Jay,” he calls, grabbing Jay’s arm and making him stay, sounding desperate even to his own ears. “We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep going like this.”

“Like what?” Jay asks bitterly. “Barely speaking a word to each other? Not looking at each other? Ignoring each other? Is that what, hyung?”

“It’s not fair to us, to act like this,” Heeseung pleads, close to tears. “We’re—we’re affecting the others, too. They’re not stupid, Jay, they know something happened between us. It’s affecting our dynamic—and our teamwork, too. We have to stop.”

“Is that why?” Jay asks harshly. “Because of the others? Is that why you want to make everything better? Is that why you’re going to stop?”

“That’s not fair,” Heeseung says quietly. “You’re just as guilty as I am. You know that.”

“Fair? This isn’t about fair,” he looks both enraged and heartbroken as he actually yells at Heeseung. “This is about—”

“Me wanting to make up with you for the wrong reasons?”

“Yes!”

“Well, it’s not just them,” Heeseung says strongly. “I want you back, Jay. I can’t stand this ridiculousness anymore. We both know this is about your crush on me.”

Jay recoils, as if he didn’t expect Heeseung to use that card. “Well…” he stumbles over his words. “Yes, it is. I don’t know how to act around you anymore, hyung, you know that? Knowing every word I say, every little thing I do is just proof, so much evidence, of how in love I am with you.”

“In love?” Heeseung’s eyes widen, now even more confused than before.

“There’s no point in hiding that fact,” Jay says, looking away. With a start, Heeseung realizes that there are tears in Jay’s eyes, glinting in the dim light coming from the kitchen’s lightbulbs. “What about you, hyung? What is it about my loving you that keeps you away from me?”

“I don’t know,” Heeseung cries out helplessly, not knowing what to say at all. “I didn’t even know you…”

“I’ve been in love you all this time,” Jay says furiously. “Ever since we’ve met, I’ve been in love with you. I find it hard to believe you didn’t notice. Very hard. Not with how unsubtle I am half the time. So don’t give me that bullshit.”

“Honest!” Heeseung protests. “I swear!”

“You do know why,” Jay snarls. His eyes are bright with the tears of hurt and anger.

“Will the two of you shut the fuck up!” Sunghoon emerges from the bedroom, looking furious. “I leave you two alone for fifteen minutes and it becomes a shouting match?”

The two instantly fall silent, both emanating fury—but Sunghoon’s is unrivaled. Never mess with a sleeping Park Sunghoon, Heeseung makes a note mentally. “If you’re not going to explain,” Sunghoon growls, “then take it outside!”

Heeseung sits there with his head down. He, by all rights, can yell right back at Sunghoon, but he’s too shaken to even look up at the youngest of the 02z. He wants to sit right there and curl into himself, crying and crying.

He doesn’t get to, though, because Jay grabs his arm and yanks him up harshly. “Fine, go back to bed,” he snaps at Sunghoon, and drags Heeseung towards the front door. He throws open the door, pushes Heeseung outside, and closes it.

It’s silent. The ground twinkles with drops of water from the earlier rain shower, almost frozen in the cold near-winter air. “If you’re ignoring me because you’re disgusted—”

“No!” Heeseung interrupts, stepping forward. “It’s not that, it’s anything but that!”

“Then what?” Jay cries out, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Tell me the truth, hyung, so that we can put this behind us! I just want my best friend back! I don’t give a damn if you don’t like me that way!”

Best friend. Heeseung swallows, emotions flying around his head so fast, so swift, that he actually feels dizzy. He wonders if it was the soju. Maybe he should have stayed away from it. Then again, he could just have been eating a little too less lately (more likely).

“Hyung,” Jay pleads as Heeseung steps closer and grabs his arm, silently begging him to stop being so angry, that he can’t help being so irritating, “please. I need an answer. I can’t just go on like this, you know it’ll be weird between us again!”

“I…I don’t…I can’t…” Heeseung can’t continue, unable to hold back his own tears. I think I like you, too, but it’s just that my feelings are so all over the place…

He freezes when he realizes he’s stepped so close to Jay that their faces are just inches apart. Jay meets his gaze squarely, so much hurt and anger and pain swimming in those dark eyes of his, his mouth parted to speak again, his brows furrowed. Even then, he was so pretty. So beautiful.

“Answer me,” Jay pleads in a bare whisper, his cheeks flushing when he realizes their position as well. Heeseung can’t reply, his breath caught in his throat. Somehow, he doesn’t want to pull away, not even for a second. Their eyes are pinned on each other unflinchingly, each one begging for something from the other to ease their minds.

And then, before they can even blink again, Heeseung’s lips are on Jay’s. Before he can even process it, their mouths are moving in a slow, hesitant dance, unsure of what the hell they were doing, inexperienced, but going for it nonetheless. Heeseung’s eyes slide closed, hands resting gently on Jay’s forearms; his mouth so soft beneath Heeseung’s, exactly like he imagined a first kiss would feel.

All too soon, Heeseung breaks away, panting and even more confused than before. Jay’s cheeks, already red from the cold, are even redder, and he’s blinking like he can’t believe that just happened. Heeseung’s own cheeks feel flushed hotly.

“I—I can’t believe I—we just did that,” he murmurs, a hand touching his lips slowly. Jay stares at him, stars practically sparkling in his eyes, and a horrible shot of guilt tears through Heeseung. He can’t believe he’s doing this to a boy so totally in love.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, pushing past Jay and making a run into the house. As he streaks past Jay, he sees the younger’s expression fall, the starry, sparkly one he wanted to see forever and ever being replaced by one of absolute heartbreak.

He pushes past a startled Sunghoon, who is apparently waiting for them to get inside out of the cold, and bolts into his room, slamming the door shut and locking it behind him. He throws himself onto his bed, burying his face in the pillow and letting out a long, wailing shriek into it.

He doesn’t know what the hell prompted him to kiss Jay like that. He isn’t sure who started it, who initiated it, but fact remains that he kissed Jay nonetheless. He doesn’t know why he wants to hold Jay in his arms, keep that sparkly expression on it forever. But he does know that Jay’s not his best friend anymore.

Because he’s pretty sure that most people don’t kiss their best friends, run away, still want to kiss them again and again, and not even have a grip on their emotions while they’re at it.

***

Sunghoon’s understandably furious at him when he wakes up in the morning and emerges into the dining room, half-hoping Jay’s still asleep. But when he walks into the kitchen, he sees Jay seated between Sunghoon and Jungwon, head bent over a bowl of cereal. His heart gives a guilty twist when Jay looks up at him for a second and he sees that the younger’s eyes are red.

Sunghoon gets up when Heeseung edges hesitantly in the room, his eyes practically smoldering with fury. “Can we talk, hyung?” he asks in a voice that sounds pleasant but is laced with tones that are unmistakably of steel. Red-hot steel, that is. Jay looks up at Sunghoon and tugs at his sleeve, but Sunghoon gives him a pointed look and he sighs, going back to his cereal.

“Uh, sure,” Heeseung says warily, backing out of the room. Sunghoon steps out after him and once they’re a safe distance away, he punches Heeseung’s arm. Hard.

“Ow!” Heeseung cries out, deftly blocking Sunghoon’s second strike. “What the hell was that for?!”

“For being a dick,” Sunghoon spits, eyes blazing. Heeseung understands, of course, why Sunghoon’s so protective of Jay. Ever since they were trainees, Heeseung’s been the one sticking by Jay’s side through thick and thin (well, not much as of late) but it was shy, soft-spoken Park Sunghoon who openly defended Jay every time someone teased him and went over the top.

It was Sunghoon who always had smart retorts for people who messed with Jay. Heeseung, who had been so shy that he could barely talk to people without wanting to run away screaming, of course had his moments where he defended his best friend, but Park Sunghoon was always one step ahead of him, protecting even Heeseung when necessary, something they were both grateful for.

Now, it’s Sunghoon defending Jay from Heeseung—their own best friend. Clearly, Heeseung’s fucked up badly, but how’s he supposed to fix it? He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to Jay, what he’s supposed to do next. He can apologize, but then, as confused and—and unprepared as he is, it would mean he’d have to take the kiss back, and he knows that it’ll crush the two of them.

But he has to say something. Doesn’t he?

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, feeling tiny under Sunghoon’s glare. He knows that Sunghoon himself is holding back doing anything more due to their age difference—Heeseung is still the oldest, a role he feels like a complete failure at—but it doesn’t make much difference. “I was just confused.”

“Confused? Oh, yes, perfect excuse, isn’t it?” Sunghoon snaps. “About what?”

“About how I feel,” Heeseung explains in a small voice, “about him. I don’t know how to sort through these stupid feelings. I can’t tell if I love him in that way or not, because as far as I can tell, I’ve always felt the same way about him!”

“Including wanting to kiss him?”

Heeseung’s face burns at the sharp question. “No—well, maybe yes,” he admits. “But is that really enough?”

Sunghoon stares at him. “You really are an idiot,” he sighs. It seems as if he doesn’t have the energy to be furious anymore. To be honest, none of them out of all seven do. Spending and devoting so much energy to comeback season always leaves them somewhat drained before the actual date.

“I know,” he mumbles. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you’re supposed to be apologizing to. It’s Jay. Do you know how torn up he was last night? He was up crying and crying until five a.m. I had to persuade Jake to move to my bed while I stayed with him in their room. What do we even tell the others? They know something’s up, hyung, they’ve known since we came back, and now they know it’s kind of blown up completely. This isn’t fair to any of us, least of all Jay.”

Heeseung stares at his feet. “I know, Sunghoon. Just—just give me some time until I can figure all this out. I’ll do it, I promise.”

“I know you will,” Sunghoon says softly, “but when? Can you do it before Jay’s trust and faith in you is broken completely?”

“That’s the big question, isn’t it?” Heeseung smiles weakly. “Let’s cross our fingers and hope I stop being a jerk and do it.”

He starts to walk back to the kitchen, but stops when a thought occurs to him. “Hey, Sunghoon? Do you have feelings for Jay?”

Sunghoon only shakes his head sadly. “Of course,” he whispers. “I’ve loved Jay for years, and the whole time he’s had his sights you. You, who never noticed. You, who was blind the whole time. You, who basically took his heart and stomped on it.”

Heeseung’s eyes widen. “Since…since when?” he asks timidly, suddenly sharply aware that seeing Jay like that, the way he is right now, is hurting Sunghoon; that seeing Jay so in love with someone that’s not Sunghoon is cutting right through him.

“Hell, I don’t know,” he groans. “Trainee days, definitely. I guess around the time I started getting used to the trainee life on top of skating. Maybe because of that.”

Heeseung understands the implications. Back then, Heeseung wasn’t so close to Sunghoon, but Jay was the one who boldly went up and introduced himself to Sunghoon. They had to have been around fifteen or sixteen back then and beginning to realize the perils of balancing trainee life on top of everything.

Most trainees scoped out new ones for a while, tried to figure out if the newbie was okay. But Jay didn’t do that. He walked right up to Sunghoon, dragged Heeseung along, and introduced themselves. As the days passed by, it seemed as if Jay and Heeseung were the only ones who noticed that the famous figure skating boy was on the brink of collapse out of exhaustion.

But it was Jay who did anything about it, when he noticed.

It was Jay who helped Sunghoon out, showing him how to manage his training hours, letting him know it was okay to take a break from even skating every once in a while, spent time with him to take his mind off the daily stress and doubts forming in his mind from his family’s doubt that he could do it.

Of course, after a while, Heeseung was there, but Jay was there first. Jay stood out, like a bright, so blindingly bright star. Like a helpful, lovable fairy, one that just couldn’t be ignored. It makes sense that Sunghoon fell hard for Jay because of that.

He has another question too. “Did you know he li—loves me?”

Sunghoon laughs bitterly at that. “Oh, hyung,” he says, fixing Heeseung with a pitying look, “Even Bang PD noticed. Even Taehyun and Kai and the rest of them. I doubt there’s anyone in the world who knew you both personally that doesn’t know—that boy basically wears his heart on his sleeve. You’re his best friend, but sometimes, you’re a bit too oblivious to how he feels.”

Heeseung doesn’t know how to reply to that, knowing full well it was true. He likes to think he knew Jay well, but just how well does he know his best friend if he was oblivious to something everyone else figured out years before he did?

***

“I’m really nervous,” Ni-ki mumbles, playing with the sleeves of his blue shirt. “What if they ask questions about, you know, being quarantined and all?”

“They won’t,” Jay tells him, reaching up much higher than he used to pat his head. “Trust me, I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to ask such questions. It is Weekly Idol, after all, not your regular interview.”

“Besides,” Sunoo adds, side-hugging him, “there’s nothing else to be said, is there? We’ve told ENGENEs enough and I’m sure they understand if we don’t want to talk much more about it.”

That seems to placate the maknae and he reverts back to his joking, playful self, messing around with the other members before the recording starts, filling out their self-profiles.

Heeseung stays quiet as he does this, looking at Jay occasionally, who’s steadfastly avoiding the oldest member altogether. Sometimes, Heeseung can practically sense the waves of resentment, hurt, and even fury radiating off him and it’s all he can do not run away in fear. An angry Jay is not someone you should mess with.

“Hyung, are you sure you and Jay can maintain, um, some civility?” Jake asks.

Heeseung bristles. “Of course I can,” he says, letting just a tiny bit of his irritation seep into his voice. “We’ve done it already, haven’t we?”

Jake holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay,” he says, turning away to talk to Sunghoon, who gives Heeseung a pointed look: don’t fuck this up—for everyone.

He nods, glancing momentarily at Jay, who’s saying something to Jungwon, laughing. His smile is so pretty, how is anyone not completely awed by it? It’s so bright and…wait, he shouldn’t be having thoughts like this, should he?

You SHOULD, but you’re NOT TELLING JAY THE TRUTH, Sunghoon’s voice rings inside his head. It’s pretty terrifying that his inner voice—his subconscious, if you will—sounds exactly like Park Sunghoon. He’s pretty sure that it’s a sign he’s an even bigger idiot than he thinks he looks like.

“Standby,” a staff member calls. Immediately, Jay’s expression changes from tight with suppressed anger to an easygoing smile. Heeseung’s heart aches seeing the sudden change, knowing it’s anything but genuine. Knowing he’s the cause of this.

Even as they arrange themselves in a line, Heeseung between Jungwon and Ni-ki, Jay between Sunghoon and Sunoo, all with smiles on their faces, only his, Jay’s, and Sunghoon’s even somewhat fake, he knows that. It hurts to know that he has the power to change it, but he’s still trying to sort out his dumb feelings, which, to be honest, don’t feel as confusing anymore.

He’s just scared that Jay won’t give him another chance.

***

“You’re the most visited guest in the shortest period of time!” Kwanghee says. The members act accordingly, answering with ‘oh, yeah,’ ‘yes, that’s right!’ along with surprised expressions, but they are pretty surprised to learn that. Although they know it’s been less than a year since their debutjust over a year since they were formed—it is surprising to realize that you’ve gone on a show three times in that short of a time.

“We asked them to tell us recent anecdotes on their self-profile,” Kwanghee says. “Then, Heeseung-ssi confidently said that it was a secret!”

“That’s mean,” Eunhyuk adds as Heeseung grins in an embarrassed way. He honestly couldn’t think of anything more than the drama between him and Jay lately, but there’s no way in hell he could write that, so he settled for scribbling ‘secret.’

“You don’t have any recent fun stories?”

“Well, we have a lot to show you later,” Heeseung confidently answers Kwanghee’s question.

“Are you going to share that secret with us today or not?” Eunhyuk asks.

“We will.” Nope.

“According to Ni-ki-ssi,” Eunhyuk switches subjects, “ENHYPEN switched their rooms in the dorm, and Heeseung-ssi won a room for himself.”

“That’s a fun story!” Kwanghee exclaims. Heeseung internally winces. Sorry, sunbaenim, but the real story is literally anything but fun. Trust me, you don’t want to hear it.

“What game did you play?” Eunhyuk asks them, to which, of course, they reply with ‘rock-paper-scissors.’ The subject of their dorm arrangements go on for a while, with both Heeseung and Jay talking normally. Nobody noticed anything off.

The subject switches to their comeback, their first studio album, et cetera, but while Heeseung’s listening and participating in the conversation, his mind is also too aware of the fact that somehow, he’s at the end of the line, with Sunghoon next to him, who’s standing with Jay next to him. Lovely, now he’s being a hyperaware idiot on top of everything. Things just keep getting better and better.

After the performance of Tamed-Dashed, they proceed onto the Weekly Idol Wish Center. For the first wish, they get to perform a short dance cover of BTS’s Permission to Dance, which Heeseung doesn’t mind. It’s a fun dance, he loves BTS, he loves the song, and the fans want it. At least he’s doing something that someone wants.

Then, of course, comes the question of who Ni-ki would travel with. To absolutely none of the members’ surprise, with zero hesitation, the kid chooses Jay. Then proceeds to choose Heeseung as the one he wouldn’t want to travel with. True, the fear on his face is pretty obvious, which is adorable, but still. Come on.

Jay bursts out laughing first, which fills his heart for a few precious seconds before he remembers the situation. Sunghoon pats his shoulder in mock support, which does not ease his hurt pride. At all.

“Yah! Why?” he demands, his pride hurt.

“If he were struggling to answer, I would’ve made him choose while the others had their eyes closed,” Eunhyuk says. “But he chose Heeseung right away!”

“I didn’t expect this,” Heeseung grumbles.

“You can’t do that to the oldest member!” Sunghoon giggles.

“He loses his things very often,” was Ni-ki’s reasoning for not wanting Heeseung along. Heeseung can’t even find a smart retort for that, knowing it’s true. And here he thought Ni-ki was basically his baby. A tall, annoying one at that, but still. His pride might never recover from this.

“I agree with him on that,” Jay laughs.

“Why does that matter?!” Heeseung cries, still with that embarrassed smile, but inside he’s pondering Jay’s words. Does that mean he’s agreeing with Ni-ki’s words literally, as in, constantly losing his belongings, or does he mean in both ways? Literally and metaphorically? Does he mean I lose the chances that present itself to me, too? Does he mean I lost my chance with him?

“I don’t really want to travel with him either,” Heeseung settles for saying, which brings even more laughter all around.

“He is mad at me!” Ni-ki exclaims through his laughter. Heeseung isn’t actually pissed, but he’s peeved enough to be as petty as the maknae himself. Which is a lot more.

“Heeseung, who’d you want to travel with?” Eunhyuk pops the question.

“I’d say…” he considers it for a few seconds, then grins sheepishly, trying to cover it with his hand uselessly. Who else would he choose? “I choose Jay as well.”

He detects the hint of surprise in Jay’s expression, but he covers it up pretty well. “Jay-ssi, between Heeseung-ssi and Ni-ki-ssi, who would you travel with together?”

“This is a hard decision,” he says uncertainly.

“You don’t have to pick me,” Heeseung tells him. He makes it sound like he’s trying to be funny—apparently, he achieves that goal because Jay laughs—but he’s really telling Jay that as bad as things are between them right now, it’s not necessary to pick someone he doesn’t even want to look at anymore.

It took a few moments of hesitation and consideration, but his final answer is, “Since I’ve traveled with Heeseung hyung already, I’ll choose Ni-ki.”

The maknae looks pretty proud of himself, which Heeseung doesn’t mind. But as he stands up in mock indignation, he feels a flare of hurt, even though he knew Jay wouldn’t choose him. It just—it feels personal, like Jay did that to hurt him.

But that’s ridiculous. Ni-ki is just as much Jay’s baby as he’s Heeseung’s, and its more than likely Jay chose Ni-ki to spoil the child. To keep him happy, because let’s face it, as annoyed as ENHYPEN sometimes gets with Ni-ki, they love him too much to seriously mess with him.

The wish races by with Sunoo taking pity on him and him being very insulted, and then the wish where Sunoo and Jake were basically sentenced to an aegyo showdown. Heeseung thinks it’s adorable, but then again, almost everything Kim Sunoo does is adorable. Their fans are witness to that. And of course, Heeseung himself is laughing too much to properly do his own aegyo.

He’s kinda glad for that. I-LAND and ENHYPEN&Hi was enough torture for him.

Jay, tasked with picking the perfect partner to reenact the famous scene from Titanic (and Sunghoon the same, but doing Romance of Their Own), sat there contemplating his choices as Eunhyuk and Kwanghee talk about him looking like Leonardo di Caprio. It’s true—but, really, in Heeseung’s eyes, Jay’s more good-looking than the world-famous, classically handsome actor.

He remembers the time he and Jay watched Titanic together just before they went their separate ways to train for I-LAND, just for a few months, but it was enough to make things awkward between them for a while.

That day when they’d watched the movie together, they’d talked about the irony of the ship being a so-called ‘unsinkable ship,’ how Kate Winslet was indeed very pretty—and had actually started crying at the end. It’s a precious memory of Heeseung’s, just the two of them hanging out together, no training, no school to distract them.

He thinks about that day as he watches Sunghoon and Jungwon play the umbrella scene and practically dies with laughter. It is pretty amusing. The funniest thing is how Sunghoon looks like he wants to die and Jungwon’s just torturing him.

“Jay-Caprio will be recreating the famous scene from Titanic! Who will be your Kate Winslet?”

Jay considers this. He looks down the line at all the members, apparently putting in serious thought to the choice. “No one is looking at me,” he says.

Yeah, because I don’t know how I’m supposed to look at you when I’m thinking about a time when we were still best friends, Heeseung thinks.

“Then, I’ll choose…” Jay gets up and walks down the line of members, making eye contact with every single one of them. Or at least, trying to. They all avoid his gaze.

Heeseung sits still as Jay passes by, but when their eyes meet for just a fraction of a second, his heart skips a beat, wanting to surge forward and wrap his arms around Jay, hug him close, cry, cry his heart out, hold him so tightly, and beg for forgiveness. More than anything, he wants to fix Jay’s broken heart.

But he doesn’t. He can’t, and it tears at him. His expression remains the same, but inside, he feels so close to tears. The guilt is beginning to eat away at him even after weeks, with just a few days left for the comeback to officially commence, but he’s too scared, too terrified to do anything even after they’re done with this recording.

Jay chooses Ni-ki, who looks like he would actually rather throw himself off a cliff than be subjected to this, but he has no choice. Similar to how Rose Dewitt Bukater stood on the railing of the ship, Jack Dawson with his arms around her waist, holding her steady, Jay stands behind Ni-ki, whose arms are outstretched, flapping the material of his blue shirt to make it look windy.

Eunhyuk imitates the exchange right before the main point, but Heeseung can hear it in his mind, surprised that even after so long, the scene still makes his chest feel somewhat tight with emotion.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

And then—open your eyes, Jack whispers to Rose in his mind, at the same time Jay says it to Ni-ki, whose eyes are closed but they’re both grinning, suppressing their laughter with a lot of willpower.

Ni-ki opens his eyes, though his maniacal grin looks literally nothing like Rose’s smile, full of wonder and happiness. I’m flying, Jack! she exclaims, the scene before her like nothing she’s ever seen before. I’m flying! And it is a beautiful scene, miles and miles of sea stretching out farther than the eye can see, glittering and shimmering like some kind of beautiful, orange-colored jewel in the sunset.

In his mind’s eye, he sees Rose and Jack’s faces leaning closer together, their lips connecting in a passionate kiss, one full of love and desire and want—completely unaware that in six hours, their lives are going to be torn apart. That they’re in danger.

In his mind’s eye, he sees Jay and himself. That night, their lips tangled in a slow, soft dance, hesitant and terrified but exhilarated and wanting. He imagines the soft feel of Jay’s mouth again. The guilt that, after hurting Jay the way he did, he wants more.

“I’m frying, Jay,” Ni-ki says, promptly shattering the illusion. Heeseung practically doubles over with laughter. Jay looks like he’s going to die of laughter, holding Ni-ki’s arms for support.

“I’m frying?” he asks. Going back to their seats, he answers with “he said, I’m frying,” to Eunhyuk’s disbelieving question. Through his sheepish grin, Ni-ki looks absolutely and completely mortified. Heeseung sympathizes; it’s embarrassing to mess up like that. Like, really embarrassing.

They move on from the acting wishes to their singing and dancing. Jungwon’s 2021 version of Rainism and Three Dopeboyz is met with a lot of excitement. They hype him up very much—it’s always fun to see their usually put-together leader let loose anyhow, even if it’s through freestyle dance—and it reminds Heeseung, of course, of their days on I-LAND and in particular, the representative unit test.

He remembers practicing like crazy to sing BTS’s Butterfly and watching the 02 liners and Kei practice so hard for the dance representative part. He remembers him and Geonu singing and singing endlessly, listening the song over and over, even though it’s a song they both knew very well, trying to get every last detail correct (speaking of Geonu, he needs to call him. They haven’t talked since the guy debuted with Jimin from the same show).

When Heeseung’s asked which song he would sing for ENGENE—and told that Sunoo is jealous of his singing ability, which flatters him very, very much—it doesn’t take long to think of Coldplay and BTS’s My Universe. He’s grown to love that song and while he does like to consider ENGENEs his universe…

He swallows as he thinks of Jay, preparing to sing. He’s my entire universe.

When he sings the song, and everyone is silent, listening in awe, he dedicates every single word to Jay. He’s singing for ENGENE, too, but he’s mostly thinking of Jay as he sings. Without Jay, what is he? Just Lee Heeseung, drifting endlessly and alone. Doing his job as the main vocalist and center and oldest of ENHYPEN, but never feeling whole, never feeling complete.

Without Jay, he’s not Lee Heeseung, not really. He’s just a lost boy, aimlessly drifting over the world, doing his commanded role. And even if he feels all these things…even if he wants to hold Jay in his arms again…even if he doesn’t know if he loves Jay that way…

I’m scared, he thinks as he sings. How can I show him I genuinely mean it this time?

The compliments and the praise roll in, and he’s feeling incredibly shy, but happy, too. And yet, when he catches Jay’s eye, blank and not giving away anything, that feeling drops away instantly and he’s left to sit there and smile as Eunhyuk and Kwanghee introduce the next segment, Weekly Playlist.

They’ve prepared to sing Just A Little Bit, and Heeseung closes his eyes as he remembers the recording they did before they started the actual filming. That song…he doesn’t know what to think anymore. It feels like the truth and a lie at the same time. The lyrics strike him deep in his soul, so deep that it feels like the songwriters somehow read him better than he reads himself, and at the same time, it feels foreign.

His heart doesn’t do wild gymnastics around Jay. His palms don’t go all sweaty and he doesn’t feel like running away screaming. Well, except for right then. But truth be told, Jay’s always made him feel warm, safe and happy. Anchored and protected. Over the years, that feeling’s grown and grown enough that not feeling that way feels just wrong.

The random play dance, was, of course, a certified disaster in many places. It’s not that the members are bad dancers—Heeseung knows they’re all talented, especially members like Ni-ki and Sunghoon—but it’s just that ENHYPEN’s choreographies are in such tight formation, with so many details to remember, that after a while, it all becomes confusing. That’s one reason why they practice so hard for so long.

Heeseung doesn’t know which is more surprising: the fact they can apparently remember Fever perfectly or that they still somehow remember parts of Let Me In, which they haven’t performed since…what, February? It’s early October right now, which makes it a while, something like eight months.

Nothing passes between Heeseung and Jay that makes him nervous, which is a good thing. They’re mostly caught up in the fun of the game, as they all really do like dance. Especially Ni-ki, who literally doesn’t make a single mistake and has a bright smile on his face the whole time. It warms Heeseung’s heart that the maknae, who had confessed to feeling homesick lately, is enjoying himself so much even momentarily.

His heart nearly jumps out of his chest when he realizes he and Jay are standing right next to each other as Kwanghee introduces the last and final segment, Chemistry Explosion! Ping-Pong Ball Jump Rope Game. He manages to look completely normal, however, though the urge to hug the younger boy tightly is pretty much overwhelming at this point.

When he and Jay are paired up for the game, he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Seriously, is the whole fucking world against him now? What kind of cruelty is this?

Oh, well, he thinks, resigned. At least the shippers will have fun.

He’s not stupid—he’s aware of the inter-group ships that are so prevalent in the fandom, and he thinks it’s pretty funny that some of them are spot-on. He doesn’t know how and when those eagle-eyed detectives picked up on the cute relationship between Sunoo and Ni-ki, which, to be fair, is still tentative, not official.

He also finds it pretty funny that the one between Jay and Jungwon is apparently very popular. He bets that if he didn’t exist—and Jungwon wasn’t anywhere near interested in romance for the time being—the two of them might have worked. Possibly. It’s hard to tell since Jungwon is practically Jay’s son.

The game begins, with so much laughter that Heeseung’s surprised he’s not hiccupping.

Sunoo and Jungwon only drop forty balls, which is pretty impressive considering the difficulty level of the game. Heeseung and Jay actually exchange a few words, mostly because Heeseung’s having so much fun that he momentarily forgets the situation.

“Jumping isn’t what’s important here,” he turns to Jay and speaks.

Jay, being a professional who’s already spotted the camera trained on them, says, “you can jump once at a time,” without even flinching.

When Heeseung and Jay are ready to have their go, buckets stuck to helmets fastened on their heads and jump ropes in hand, Kwanghee asks, “how many balls do you think you’ll have left?”

“I’d say over eighty,” Heeseung says confidently.

“Over eighty?” Jay asks. Heeseung only smiles sheepishly. The members and hosts are surprised, but not really. Heeseung says stuff like that all the time (plus, after the amazingly, spectacularly mortifying performance he put on with Eunhyuk’s piano keys during their December 2020 appearance, little will succeed in surprising them).

“Why do you guys have your feet up?” Jake asks.

“We’ll go like this,” they demonstrate, jumping from one foot the other lightly in sync. No surprise—when you’ve spent more than a year trying to be in sync with each other for complicated choreographies, jumping along is as easy as walking.

They begin, and straight away, they’re pretty different from Sunoo and Jungwon, dropping no balls at first. Jay stops all of a sudden and the rope catches around his neck, stopping their smooth motion. Heeseung points an accusing finger.

“Why didn’t you jump?” he exclaims.

“Sorry, I was too happy that we succeeded!” Jay defends himself, matching Heeseung’s grin. Again, it hits Heeseung that he desperately misses doing this stuff with Jay. Just having fun and messing around.

“What’s with you?” Heeseung jokes. “Are you the spy?”

His concern is valid, considering they’ve had spies among them before. Also, he and Ni-ki were the spies during the Mini Olympics, so he’d say he has experience with them.

They begin again, and though Heeseung is unsteady, they make good progress. “What’s going on?!” Sunoo shrieks, voice getting higher and higher. “How are you so good?”

“I don’t know!” he tries to yell back but his throat won’t cooperate, suddenly all too aware that this is the closest he’s been to Jay, other than in the van, other than standing in the line earlier, since, well…since we kissed.

Jay pauses again, just as three falls out. “That’s so impressive!” Sunoo exclaims, eyes wide, just as Jungwon says, “they’re good!”

They complete the last two jumps, and with ninety-five balls, they’re in the lead—only to get absolutely crushed by Sunghoon and Ni-ki, who, as slow progress as they make, drop no balls at all. A great crushing of Heeseung’s pride, but wait. It gets better.

Jake and Jungwon drop almost all their balls, and then Jake gives up completely, before they jump once, automatically repairing Heeseung’s pride and making it the best comedy he’s seen in literal ages.

Ni-ki and Sunghoon are given the matching set of pajamas, which they’re pretty happy about, and Heeseung knows they’ll wear it and actually take the picture. They’re exactly the type to do just that.

And finally, it ends. Heeseung’s had fun, but at the same time, he’s feeling very drained from so much overthinking. As some of members say their final comments, he thinks about going to bed as soon as he gets home, which sounds tempting. But he’s promised to help Sunoo with vocal practice later that night at the company, so that’ll have to wait.

As usual, Eunhyuk and Kwanghee do a surprise YouTube livestream when the filming ends, they talk a bit to ENGENE, do a few spoilers for Tamed-Dashed, et cetera, but Heeseung’s mind is already far away.

It’s focused on the tired, so infinitely tired expression that took over Jay’s face when the cameras finally cut. It’s the expression of emotional exhaustion. An expression that Heeseung is the cause of.

***

When Heeseung opens the door to the practice room, he finds Sunoo sitting in the corner, listening to a song with a smile on his face. He lip-syncs along, tapping his fingers on his thigh.

“Hey,” he greets the third-youngest with a grin. “What’s with the dopey smile?”

“First of all, hi,” Sunoo doesn’t miss a beat, tapping his phone to pause the music, “and second of all, it’s not a dopey smile. You wouldn’t know, would you, smiling dopily at Jay hyung all the time?”

“Hey!” he objects, flushing. “That’s—ugh, never mind. There’s nothing going on between me and Jay.”

Sunoo raises an eyebrow. “Never said there was,” he says. “Despite the fact that this is obviously not a one-sided thing.”

“You say that like you haven’t noticed the weirdness between us.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Sunoo says matter-of-factly. “There’s so much tension between you guys right now, it’s actually kind of scary. But it’s not that scary for me.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll get over it, whatever it is,” he says simply. “You both know what’s best for yourselves and each other and I think—no, believe that you won’t let anything destroy your friendship. Even after ages, you guys would make up. I know it.”

“I wish I had your faith,” Heeseung sighs, going to sit beside Sunoo. “Anyway, what’re you listening to that’s making you smile so much?”

Sunoo taps his phone again and the songs plays again. Heeseung listens to it, and it only takes a moment to recognize the singer belting out, send to me, walk with me, no worries, just tell your story, bad feeling? Feel silly?

“MOA Diary, hm?” he grins. “That song is impossibly sappy for a bunch of even sappier idiots.”

“I just can’t believe we’re…friends now,” Sunoo says in awe. “A year ago, I wasn’t even expecting to see them in person, much less meet them, star on a variety show with them, and actually befriend them. I’m just…wow.”

“Sounds like your inner fanboy still lives.”

“Why, yes, it does,” he says with immense dignity. “I’ve loved them since they debuted—since before debut, if we’re being real. With their pre-debut content. I don’t know, they just struck a huge chord with me, one that I just…” he searches for the right words, “…it’s hard to find the right words, but I fell very, very much in love. Kings of a no-skip discography, right there, with members that somehow remind me of the idiots I am forced to live with.”

“One, their discography is pretty cool, and two, I don’t know if I should be insulted that I just got compared to a bunch of dumbasses.”

“Are you always this insulting to your friends?”

“Nah, just them and Jay and Sunghoon,” Heeseung grins.

“I see, you’re rude to people you’ve known a couple of years,” Sunoo giggles. “As huge of a MOA as I am, this song, it just, it speaks to me, makes me feel better, you know? It feels all comforting and warm and stuff and it’s my absolute favorite song of theirs, after like, Dear Sputnik and Run Away. Possibly Drama. Don’t tell them I said that.”

“No guarantees,” Heeseung says evilly. Sunoo makes a face at him as he continues, “you should know, though, that all that they’re saying in that song, it’s all true. It’s exactly how they feel.”

“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out, does it?”

“Okay, you can stop being annoying now,” he ruffles Sunoo’s hair. “But really. Those boys are as genuine as you can get. They really do love each other so dearly, it’s enough to make me tear up watching them celebrate together. You know how trainees sneak out often to cheat on our diets or whatever, right?”

“Considering Kyungmin and I used to do the same thing, yes.”

“Well, back when it was all of us in Big Hit, we all used to sneak out in shifts, and it would be Yeonjun hyung and Beomgyu orchestrating the whole thing. Taehyun would stand by with his disapproving expression, but helping anyway. Kai would just laugh excitedly and do literally whatever he was told, and Soobin hyung would hide but emerge when they came to get him for his shift. As for me, I was so one of the top troublemakers in that area.”

“Were you obsessed with ramyeon back then, too?” Sunoo asks.

“A lot more than I am right now,” Heeseung laughs. “Back then, I had an even faster metabolism than I do right now and because I used to forget eating so often, so I started to eat a lot of ramyeon whenever I wasn’t on diet. It worked and I still do it when things get really hectic during promotions. Plus, Beomgyu was the one who helped me out most often on that count.”

“You both are pretty close?”

“Well, I’m a lot closer to Taehyun, realistically speaking,” he admits. “Things were kind of awkward between us for a while, but we’ve reconnected for the most part. These days me and Beomgyu talk more often and we rope Jimin into the whole thing. I have no idea why he puts up with our stupidity, but I guess he’s too nice to say no. Then again, we’ve been friends for a while so he’s probably used to it.”

“Jimin?” Sunoo blinks. “Which one?”

“I meant Lim Jimin, you know, the leader of Geonu’s group,” Heeseung explains. “Geonu’s there, too, occasionally, but the two of us talk by ourselves more than anything. I honestly didn’t expect two of our friends to debut in a group with another friend of ours.”

“Do the other TXT members talk to them, too?”

“I think Soobin hyung talks to Jimin sometimes. I’m not really sure.”

“Okay, this is going to sound really stupid,” Sunoo begins, “and it’s literally not any of my business, but, uh, are the ships between them, you know, true?”

Heeseung bursts out laughing. “For once, yes, it is,” he admits. “They won’t mind me telling you as long as you keep it a secret—they actually want to let you guys know but don’t know how to—but Yeonjun hyung and Beomgyu have been together since…I don’t know, just before their debut?”

“Wait, WHAT?” Sunoo looks absolutely flabbergasted at this. “I didn’t think it would actually be true!”

“Well, it is,” Heeseung grins. “And they’re pretty happy together.”

Sunoo is silent a moment, thinking. Heeseung lets him stay quiet, thinking about his own messed-up relationship with Jay. It’s hard to imagine that they can fix this, and now he’s worried about potentially breaking Sunoo’s faith in them permanently. He still doesn’t know how he’s supposed to approach Jay.

“Is this a bad time to announce that Ni-ki and I are, uh, together?” he finally says. “We kind of decided as soon as we came back a couple of hours ago…”

Heeseung raises an eyebrow. “It took you this long to make it official?”

“What? You’re not surprised?”

“Not in the least. If Yeonjun hyung’s obvious about how crazy he is for Beomgyu by constantly messing with him, you two wave huge red flags with your initials on it.”

“Hey,” Sunoo complains, ears reddening. “Did you walk in on us kissing or what?”

“Nope, but I’m not surprised you’ve done that, too.”

“Okay, enough slander,” he decides, pulling himself to his feet. “Come on, let’s do that vocal practice assistance you promised me.”

***

Heeseung waits nervously in the lobby of the building where TXT’s dorms are located. After the practice with Sunoo, he had called Beomgyu and basically begged for help: “Beomgyu-ah, I seriously need to talk to you about something. I’d actually like to talk to Yeonjun hyung as well.”

“Did you kill Ni-ki? Because Yeonjun hyung’s this close to killing Kai.”

“No, Jay’s the one doing the—of course not, dumbass! Stop messing with me and take this seriously!”

“Alright! Jeez, so temperamental. Anyway, if this is that important, I don’t advise meeting up anywhere outside or in the company building, if you’d like to keep it a secret from them.”

“Then where?”

“Stop by our dorm when you get a chance as soon as you can. The others would like to see you, anyway.”

So here Heeseung is, aware that the guard recognizes who he is but isn’t saying anything. He knows he’s not going to get kicked out considering he could be waiting for literally anyone to appear, and also, kicking a rookie idol out of the building would probably look bad on his resumé.

“Heeseung hyung!” a delighted voice calls out. He turns around and relief floods him when he sees the boy in the doorway of the elevator.

“Taehyun, it’s good to see you,” he says, walking forward and giving him a hug.

“Same here,” Taehyun grins. “What brings you here to our dorm? Beomgyu hyung dropped this one on us with no warning.”

“Eh, just need to talk to him and Yeonjun hyung about something important,” he says vaguely. “You guys having fun on break?”

“Nah, mostly just chilling and hanging out with MOA every once in a while,” Taehyun says. “The biggest upside being, other than the excitement of another comeback sometime in 2022, I won’t have to go to school anymore. We’re all officially graduates.”

“I know that feeling,” Heeseung agrees. “Jay’s still whining about still having to go.”

“Well, he’s the one who chose to skip a year for training purposes,” Taehyun laughs. “Here we are. Try not to be too surprised at the state of the place. We’re not exactly the cleanest.”

“You’re talking to the guy who lives with six others. At this point, only a clean dorm can surprise me, Taehyun.”

He leads Heeseung down the hall to a door at the very end, throwing it open and motioning for Heeseung to leave his shoes by the doorway.

He then takes Heeseung into the living room. Yeonjun is lying on the couch, listening to a song on speaker. An answer set in stone—something like that is worthless, even though we can’t see it now, someday the light will shine, preparing for that moment, we reach out our hands…

“Forget Me Not, huh?” he grins when Yeonjun sees him and fumbles to shut it off. “You like it? I never asked what you thought of it.”

“It’s a good song,” he admits. “Your Japanese pronunciation isn’t half-bad.”

“Should I be offended?”

“It’s a compliment, idiot,” Yeonjun laughs. “So, what’s all this about? Beomgyu says you need to talk to the two of us?”

“Yeah,” he says, fidgeting. “You’ll most likely call me an idiot, I will embarrass my family name, and also make a complete fool of myself. Which is why—”

“—you need guidance,” Yeonjun finishes. “Alright, go into my room over there. I’ll get Beomgyu. Soobin’s out visiting his parents and Kai’s asleep right now. Taehyun, stay away from that door.”

“I’m not going to listen in!” Taehyun complains. “Jeez, hyung! I’m not that nosy!”

“I know, just a reminder,” Yeonjun grins. Heeseung edges toward the door the older indicated and opens it, surprised to find it mostly clean. Save for the few clothes and college textbooks open on the bed. He sits down on the chair by the table in the corner.

In a few minutes, Beomgyu appears in the doorway. “Hey,” he smiles. “What’s going on? Yeonjun hyung says you looked really stressed out just now.”

“I am,” he admits, touching the bags under his eyes, much more prominent without makeup to cover them up expertly. “It’s been crazy these last few weeks, to be honest. Even on my birthday, I wanted to run away screaming.”

“Oh, yeah, did you get my birthday message?” Beomgyu asks, pushing aside the mess on the bed and seating himself, pulling his legs under him. “The connection was kind of weird so I wasn’t sure if you did.”

“I did.”

“Alright,” Yeonjun appears with two cups in hand, and Taehyun trails in carrying a third. “We got coffee here in case this talk goes on for a while.”

Taehyun gives the one in his hand to Heeseung, pats his shoulder, and walks out, closing the door behind him. Yeonjun hands one cup to Beomgyu, and settles beside his boyfriend, looking at Heeseung with keen eyes.

“Now, spill,” Beomgyu orders.

So Heeseung does. He blurts out the whole story, from what Jay said on the phone, the tension between them for the whole day of their reunion, them arguing, to Heeseung realizing Jay likes him, and—

“Wait a minute, that’s when you figured it out?” Yeonjun asks incredulously. “I’m—literally everyone can tell how in love that boy is with you!”

“I know, except for me,” Heeseung grumbles, and then continues. He tells them about them basically ignoring each other, how he didn’t know how he felt about Jay, how they had a huge argument, the kiss, and how tense and dangerous things are between them right now.

When he finishes, his coffee has long gone cold, and Yeonjun and Beomgyu are staring at him in absolute disbelief. “You are one overthinking, overstressing, extremely stupid and lovesick puppy,” Beomgyu decides. “Wait, make it that but a human version of Bambi. That works better.”

Yeonjun shoots Beomgyu a look, but says, “he’s right, you know.”

“I’m not—”

“Not lovesick?” Yeonjun challenges. “Let me tell you a story about the early days of mine and Beomgyu’s relationship, Heeseung.”

“Alright,” he says reluctantly, taking a long sip from his cold coffee.

“Back when we were trainees, we fought as often as we hung out together,” Yeonjun starts. “When we weren’t arguing over stupid things, we actually had fun together. We laughed, we cried, we joked around together. With him, I felt happy and warm and safe, like even though I was beginning to lose hope, he was keeping me afloat.”

“And for me?” Beomgyu gives Yeonjun a loving grin. “I was pretty much hopeless, which was why I was so irritable. But spending time with him, although we were…pretty insolent, to say the least, it made me feel better. Like our song Our Summer personified in the form of something human.”

Heeseung smiles. “That’s actually adorable.”

“And it’s also exactly how you just described how you feel about Jay, you stubborn idiot!” Yeonjun cries. “Don’t you see? All this time, you’ve loved him with all your soul, you’ve loved him enough to feel empty without him. Loving someone romantically isn’t just about the butterflies and nervousness, Heeseung.”

“It can be so much more than that,” Beomgyu agrees. “Love can be described as the warmth you feel with your loved one, your happiness with them, how you feel lighter, like everything’s better, when you’re with them. Your problem here is that you’re overthinking this too much and challenging yourself too much. It’s been a problem of yours since we were trainees, Heeseung.”

“Besides, who the fuck is dumb enough not to realize it when they’ve already admitted to themselves how much they want that kiss a second time?” Yeonjun asks pointedly. Heeseung flushes, feeling very put on the spot.

“Fine, fine, you’ve caught me,” Heeseung admits. “But I…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go and tell him all of this. I really hurt him. He won’t even look at me these days. It’s all I can do not just start screaming in the middle of a shoot at this point.”

“Just—go—tell—him,” Beomgyu says in exasperation. “There’s no formula for how you can make it better. How you can make it up to him. Just tell him, plain and simple. He’ll have to understand. If he doesn’t, we’ll have a little talk with him.”

“Okay, okay,” Heeseung murmurs. “I’ll just…say it. Simple as that.”

“Yes!” Yeonjun exclaims. “Tell us how it goes, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Go get your man!” Beomgyu commands, pointing at the door.

“Going. Thanks. Bye.” It seems as if he can manage only one-word answers, but that satisfied the two of them. He takes a deep breath as he waves good-bye to Taehyun, sitting on the sofa watching a rerun of some drama on TV, promising himself that this time, he’s not going run away. He’s not going to chicken out.

He’s going to face Jay and be honest and he won’t let either of them run.

***

“Where’s Jay?” he bursts into the dorm living room, startling Ni-ki and Sunoo, who were apparently edging toward a kiss. With flushed cheeks, Sunoo points towards Jay and Jake’s room. He bolts towards it, saying, “pro tip: the living room isn’t the best place for that!”

The pair gives him dirty looks, but Heeseung doesn’t stick around to argue. He throws open the bedroom door and cries out, “Jay?!”

Jay looks up from his laptop, startled. “Huh?”

“We need to talk,” Heeseung closes the door behind him and marches towards Jay, stopping just a few feet short. “Like, right now.”

“Alright, we can do that,” Jay says coolly, closing his laptop and standing up, walking around the table to stand in front of him. He’s not as tall as Heeseung, but he’s tall enough to not have to look up to meet Heeseung’s eyes. “Now do you want do this, after that night?”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Heeseung pleads. “I didn’t mean to. I was just overthinking and overstressing too much to even think without feeling like I’m going in circles and throwing up. My point is, that’s not the case anymore.”

“Yes, you kiss me and then run off, and then you come back to apologize,” Jay says dryly. “You know very well that I don’t care about that, unless you tell me exactly how you feel right now. I’m completely prepared to be rejected. You can’t hurt me more than I already am, hyung.”

“I love you!” Heeseung blurts out. Jay blinks, surprised beyond words, so Heeseung uses this as a chance to keep going, grabbing Jay’s forearm and stepping closer. “Listen!”

“I’m listening,” Jay says faintly, staring at Heeseung with wide eyes.

“I love you,” Heeseung says, “and I’ve loved you all this time, Jay, all this time, and I was just too stupid to not realize it, that love doesn’t mean I need to be feeling those—those butterflies and the nervously beating heart and all that! The truth is, I’ve always felt so warm, so safe and happy, when I’m with you! Without you, I feel like—like I’m not whole, like I’m empty, like I’m not Lee Heeseung—”

“Wait, hyung—” Jay looks so startled, like he doesn’t know how to process this information, but Heeseung doesn’t stop. He can’t.

“I won’t be me without you, not anymore,” he gasps, realizing he’s crying, choking the words out between his tears. “You’ve helped me grow up, you’ve been by my side, you’ve influenced me in ways you can’t imagine! These last few weeks without you—the time I spent away from you—when we were mad at each other, when we weren’t talking to each other—”

“Heeseung hyung, please, let me process—”

“It hurt, it hurt so, so much,” he’s fully sobbing now, “it hurt more than anything! To not be able to hug you, to hold you, to see your smiles, to see that your pain is because of me, because I had the nerve to kiss you and then run away from you! I had the nerve to take your heart, stomp on it—”

“Stop and take a breath—”

“I was just confused, Jay,” he cries, realizing with a jolt that Jay’s crying too, “just thinking too much, stressing it too much, challenging my feelings for you too much! If I had stopped for one moment to think, what is Jay to me? I would have known, but I didn’t, because, I’m an idiot and you don’t deserve to have someone like me—”

“Hyung,” Jay shouts, “shut up. I’ve heard enough!”

Then he grabs Heeseung’s face and pulls him forward him into a kiss.

Heeseung’s brain kind of freezes along with the rest of his body, trying to process the fact that Jay apparently accepts his confession/apology/rant enough to yell at him to shut up and then kiss him. It doesn’t really make sense, but then again, Jay’s always been a person of extremes, so it does make sense, in a way.

It takes a few seconds, but then he remembers that he has to respond, so he kisses Jay back with everything he has. Into the kiss, he tries to put every feeling he’s ever had about Jay, the ones he can’t put into words without sounding like a total idiot.

His silent admiration of how Jay never gives up. How cute it is when he starts going off into a rant about something he cares about. How much he loves it on the rare nights when either he or Jay sneaks into the other’s bed, not to cuddle, but just for the warmth and security and sense of belonging, at least in his case. How terrified he was every week on I-LAND, thinking either one of them would get eliminated and they’d never be as close as they used to be ever again.

The happiness and warmth that engulfs him like a warm ray of sunshine when he wakes up late and he finds an annoyed Jay isn’t really that annoyed and has made him breakfast. When he comes back late from practice and Jay is awake so that he won’t be alone in the moments when he wanders around the dorm or sits on the sofa before he sleeps.

The sense of wholeness he feels with Jay. The emptiness he feels without Jay, like part of him is hollow and can only be filled with Jay’s presence, with Jay’s beautiful, dazzling, radiant smile, with Jay’s arms around him, and recently, with Jay’s mouth on his, doing that slow, beautiful dance again.

Jay pulls back from the kiss with a gasp, panting heavily. “You scare me sometimes,” he whispers, eyes still filled with tears in contrast to Heeseung’s, whose eyes are probably red from crying. “You scare me very badly sometimes, you know that?”

“Why?” he whispers back, closing his eyes as Jay pulls him into a hug, burying his face in Jay’s neck, breathing in his scent.

“You need to work on appreciating yourself more, paying more attention to yourself,” Jay tells him, making Heeseung look him in the eyes. His expression is stern, commanding, but also full of love and even relief. “It would save a whole lot of heartbreak for a lot of people, including yourself.”

“I know,” he says, leaning forward, letting their noses touch. He pecks Jay’s lips lightly. “I’ll have to work on that.”

“For the record, you have a lot to work on,” Jay murmurs against his lips, lacing their hands together. “But hey, I think you’ve proved how sincere you are. I’m willing to give you a chance. What do you say?”

“I say that sounds great,” Heeseung grins, beginning to kiss him again. Jay lets him, tilting his head to kiss better, soft and comforting and full of the love he’s waited years to express. Heeseung feels it even if they don’t speak.

“I love you,” he breathes as they break apart for a breath. “I love you so much, Jay.”

“I know you do,” he says, going for another kiss. “I love you too.”

The door opens and Heeseung hears a voice call, “um, are you guys alright in there—whoa.”

They break apart, embarrassed. Because gathered in the doorway are the rest of the ENHYPEN members. “Sunoo and Ni-ki called me saying you were crying and shouting in here?” Jungwon says uncertainly, glancing at their tear-streaked faces, their red eyes, their intertwined hands, the fact they had just been kissing earlier. “I was in practice and came back as fast as I could. I know things outside of the schedule aren’t exactly my area of jurisdiction, but…”

“It’s okay, Jungwonie,” Jay says. “You didn’t have to come, but it’s okay.”

“So,” Sunghoon speaks up, looking at their intertwined hands with a smirk, “I’m guessing everything’s all good between you two now?”

Heeseung glances at Jay, who grins right back. “Yeah,” he says. “Everything’s all good.”

***

“For the last time, no kissing in the living room!” Jungwon shouts, exasperated. “I swear, these four are driving me crazy! Stop kissing where literally anyone can walk in!”

“Sorry, hyung,” Ni-ki grins, not looking sorry at all. Sunoo just smiles angelically at the leader. “Forgot the rules.”

“Start remembering them better, oh my god,” Jungwon groans, turning on his heel and marching back to the room the maknae line shares with Sunghoon. “I don’t need to see you making out every time I step foot into the house!”

“Sorry!” Ni-ki calls again, then bursts into fresh peals of giggles.

Heeseung stares at them through the kitchen doorway and laughs. “I think Jungwon’s reaching his breaking point,” he says, walking back to the table and sitting down. “Jay and I need to be careful, huh?”

“Lest our Yang Leader-nim unleashes the full fury of his annoyance, yes,” Sunghoon chuckles. “You two are even more lovesick than those two there.”

“What about you?” Heeseung asks. “Aren’t you in love with…”

“Not so much anymore seeing how hopeless it is,” he admits. “Jake…he confessed to me last time we got back from Music Bank. I’m—well, I’m actually thinking of giving him a chance. I think I kinda like him. And no, I’m not gonna pull the same shit you did with poor Jay.”

“You really do love rubbing it in my face, don’t you?”

He shrugs. “I guess so. I don’t know. I’m still keeping an eye on you, though. Whether I love him or not in that way, he’s still my best friend.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Heeseung promises. “And, Sunghoon? Congratulations. Jake’s a good person, though we already knew that.”

“Yeah, we did,” he grins. “So, when’s practice again?”

“It’s…” he checks his phone for the time, and then hears the ringing of their doorbell. “…right now. That’s manager hyung.”

“Oh, shit,” Sunghoon curses, springing up and running into the living room. “Everyone out! We’re late for practice and I’m pretty sure manager hyung’s mad at us now!”

Within a few seconds, Jay appears in the doorway of the kitchen, looking frantic and panicked. “Say what now?!” he shrieks, looking around frantically. “Where’s my bag?!”

“You left it at the company,” Heeseung reminds him. “You forgot it yesterday.”

“Fuck,” he curses, scrambling inside to grab a cereal bar from the top kitchen drawers, only to have Jake yell back from the living room, “stop cursing when the maknaes can hear you, idiots!”

“We’re not children anymore!” Ni-ki hollers from somewhere inside his room. “I can damn well curse in Korean and in Japanese if I want to—”

“Nishimura Riki,” Heeseung yells, “you have more than one person who understands Japanese curses in this dorm—you try it and you will sincerely regret it!”

Ni-ki can be heard to grumble, but he decides that his hyungs’ wrath is not worth it. Jay looks at Heeseung with a half-grin, then remembers they’re running late and runs for the door.

“Jay? Go get changed first,” Heeseung calls after him.

“What for? I can just shower when I get there!”

“You’re still wearing my shirt from last night.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Heeseung just laughs, finding it rather funny that his members are such a mess and he’s been prepared for hours. “You guys have roughly two minutes before we’re in serious trouble,” Jungwon calls from the doorway. Correction, he and Jungwon are the only ones prepared. “And yes, manager hyung said so.”

He picks up his bag and joins Jungwon at the front door. “We’re a mess,” the leader sighs. “We need to work on this one for sure.”

“True,” Heeseung agrees. “You gotta admit, it’s a change that I’m already prepared.”

“Actually, it is,” Jungwon squints at him. Heeseung pokes him in the ribs.

Within two minutes, all the members are gathered and they file outside, cowering under their manager’s stern, parent-like gaze. They climb into the van, already leaning against each other to get some shut-eye for a few minutes, considering Jay and Jake just woke up, Sunoo spent most of the night guiding Ni-ki through his new batch of homework, Heeseung’s tired out from a few late nights spent at the company, and Sunghoon and Jungwon just want more sleep anyway.

Of course, Heeseung leans against Jay to take a nap.

By now, their members are used to them sticking to each other like glue every moment they can without looking suspicious. Their manager is well aware of their relationship and swore to keep it a secret—they really struck gold with their manager. And of course, the members are gladly supportive of their two oldest members finally being happily in love after so long spent in ignorance and heartbreak.

In the end, all it took was some reflection. All it took was some bravery, some will to do what’s right. Cowardice got them nowhere, but their love for each other carried them through the hard times. Heeseung wouldn’t do what he did again, but he knows he will go through hell and back again, just to be with Jay.

That’s our truth, he thinks as he pecks Jay’s lips. He stirs in his sleep but doesn’t awaken just yet. We’ll do anything for each other. Nothing in the world can tear us apart like that ever again.