Work Text:
FAMOUS BOOKS & MUSIC
418 Sweetgum Rd
Savannah, GA 31322
ITEM: Lawrence, Robert J. For Game and Country: Soldier-Athletes in WWII
PRICE: 24.99
QTY: 5
TOTAL: 124.95
Cardholder name: Eric R Bittle
Transaction date: 08/19/17
Corner Foods
Your "Corner" Store!
422 Sweetgum Rd
Savannah, GA 31322
Store ID 71
Today is August 19, 2017
You were helped by Chad P!
Item Qty Price
Ramen 1 2.50
12pk—chkn
Ramen 1 2.50
12pk—beef
Ramen 1 2.50
12pk—shrimp
Ramen 1 2.50
12pk—pork
Eggs, lg 3 1.98
1 dz
AP flour 1 3.56
5lb
TOTAL: 19.50
Transaction type: VISA
Cardholder name: Eric R Bittle
*
Eric Bittle
@omgcheckplease
Hope seems great til you're buying 4 12-packs of ramen bc you blew a month's grocery $$ on 5 copies of the same book 💸
2:02 PM · Aug 19, 2017
The Shittiest Knight @bskesq · Aug 19, 2017
replying to @omgcheckplease
5 copies? u starting a book club, brah?
Eric Bittle @omgcheckplease · Aug 19, 2017
replying to @bskesq
smth like that
***
Providence Falconers announce Zimmermann exit
by Sam Pedersen, ESPN
June 24, 2016
Jack Zimmermann has left the Providence Falconers.
In a press release that concealed as much as it revealed, Falconers Assistant General Manager Georgia Martin announced that wunderkind turned has-been turned comeback-kid Zimmermann has left the team after only one season. Martin insisted that there are "only good feelings'' between the Falcs and the departing center and that the team "wishes Jack well in whatever life holds for him next."
Around the internet, speculation flew instantly. Zimmermann, son of Hall of Famer "Bad" Bob Zimmermann, had been expected to go first in the 2009 draft. Instead, he went to rehab and then to Samwell University, where he several times captained a Division 1 team close—but never close enough—to a Frozen Four championship.
If you follow hockey, Zimmermann's departure may be less surprising than it seems on the surface. On ice, Zimmermann is an unstoppable force, to the point where Edmonton Oiler Karl Strømmen, Zimmermann's fellow rookie in the 2015-2016 season, joked that the NHL should've given two Calder trophies this year, comparing being eligible the same year as Zimmermann to "being nominated for a theater award the same year as Shakespeare."
Off ice was a different matter. The Falconers tried to make Zimmermann the face of the franchise, but his face proved resistant. His sole social media presence was a little-used Twitter account where he dutifully reposted official Falconers tweets and once famously tweeted "how to tweet" and left it for two days before someone showed him how (and, we imagine, why) to delete it, by which point it had been screen-capped many thousands of times. To call his interviews "robotic" is an insult to robots, and images of him at team good-will events look like he's there under extreme duress (see Buzzfeed's hilarious and spot-on "8 Times Falcs Management Held Jack Zimmermann's Parents Hostage to Get Him to Do Something"). Everyone we talked to (speaking on condition of anonymity) agrees that the situation worsened as the season continued and the pressure on the team—and Zimmermann—increased.
Speculation is rampant that Zimmermann's exit from the Falconers signals a return to the addictions that bedeviled him before. Others wonder if Zimmermann simply realized that he can't hack life in the show. A small handful of loyal Zimmerfanns insist that their boy will reappear on another team in the 2016-2017 season. However, Martin's statement about "whatever life holds for him next" suggests that that’s unlikely.
Whatever the truth, fans of good hockey will miss Zimmermann. He was never flashy like his father or his former teammate/rival Kent Parson, now captain of the Las Vegas Aces, but we could always count on him for good, solid hockey. The ESPN family joins Martin and the Falconers in wishing Jack Zimmermann well in whatever life holds for him next.
Bad for Good Reason · Jun 24, 2016
@badbobforreal 🔵
.@espn has some nerve wishing @jlz1 "the best." Your coverage of his 1st season in the NHL was shoddy at best, antagonistic at worst. Every win a "fluke," every loss "proof" he couldn't make it in the league (1/2)
Bad for Good Reason @badbobforreal 🔵 · Jun 24, 2016
replying to @badbobforreal, @espn
Instead of asking what happened to Jack, ask what role you, and all of sports media, had in it, & how to be better w/other players. (2/2)
a better fan than you @gofalcsgo · Jun 24, 2016
replying to @badbobforreal, @espn
hey man @espn just calling it like it is. the falcs & pvd put a lot of time & $$$ into jack, we got squat out of it. we deserve to knwo why hes gone. & if u kno where he is, u owe it 2 us 2 say
The Shittiest Knight @bskesq · Jun 24, 2016
replying to @gofalcsgo, @badbobforreal, @espn
the Zimmermenn don't owe you *shit,* you entitled string cheese
@badbobforreal likes this
***
Robert Lawrence
@RobertJLawrence
Author of FOR GAME AND COUNTRY: SOLDIER-ATHLETES IN WORLD WAR II, published by @carpenterbooks. he/him
📍Canada 🔗 carpenterbooks.ca/authors/Robert_Lawrence 📅 Joined March 2017
Robert Lawrence @RobertJLawrence retweeted
Carpenter Books @carpenterbooks · March 14, 2017
Carpenter Books is proud to announce our latest release, by new author Robert J. Lawrence @RobertJLawrence: FOR GAME AND COUNTRY: SOLDIER-ATHLETES IN WORLD WAR II
DMs between
Eric Bittle · @omgcheckplease
and
Robert J. Lawrence · @RobertJLawrence
Lord, Jack, it figures that your professional twitter account is as boring as your personal one 🐥🐥
Sep 14, 2017, 1:50 PM
Sorry. Wrong person.
Sep 15, 2017, 5:58 AM
NOT wrong person
Do not try my patience, Mr. Zimmermann. It's lousy.
Sep 15, 2017, 10:20 AM
My name is Robert Lawrence.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:09 PM
sure is. Robert J. Lawrence, even. Robert like your daddy; J. like Jack; Lawrence like the English version of your danged middle name! Did you think none of us would notice? 😮
Sep 15, 2017, 7:10 PM
Honestly? I didn't think you would FIND the book. Let alone read it.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:13 PM
Well i did
And i did
Sep 14, 2017, 7:15 PM
And?
Sep 15, 2017, 7:14 PM
Nuh-uh. this aint a fan letter. I want to know where you've been. What you've been doing.
Why you ghosted us
Sep 15, 2017, 7:15 PM
Writing a book.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:18 PM
Come ON Jack! 😤
Sep 15, 2017, 7:18 PM
Robert
Sep 15, 2017, 7:18 PM
not this again
Sep 15, 2017, 7:18 PM
YES this again.
The person you thought you knew? He doesn't exist anymore. If you want to talk to me, talk to ME. As I am now. As Robert Lawrence.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:28 PM
Fine, then.
You have a real nice life, Robert Lawrence.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:28 PM
You too, Eric Bittle.
Sep 15, 2017, 7:33 PM
you know what? screw that. I am SO MAD at you rn. but i'm more glad to know you're not dead. or in jail
or in kent parson's torture dungeon
Sep 16, 2017, 5:51 AM
what
Sep 16, 2017, 5:51 AM
I hate this. I want you to kNOW that I hate this. I'm gonna tell you, repeatedly, how much I hate this. But alright, Robert J. Lawrence.
Let's talk
Hi there. I'm Eric. or you can call me Bitty. I live in Savannah GA.i work in a cafe and i used to play hockey in college
I like your book.
Sep 16, 2017, 5:53 AM
Hi, Eric. my name is Robert. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do call me Rob. I live in Canada. I'm glad you like the book. I used to play some hockey, myself.
Sep 16, 2017, 5:56 AM
*
so why this book?
Sep 22, 2017, 1:22 PM
It grew out of my senior thesis. How WWII affected university athletic programs in North America. While I was doing research, I found a lot about sports in the actual war. I couldn't use it in my thesis, but I took a lot of notes.
Sep 22, 2017, 1:30 PM
After I left my old job and needed something to do with myself, I realized-well, my mom realized-I had enough material to make a solid start on a book.
Sep 22, 2017, 1:39 PM
Lord, you and your obsession with sports & ww2
Sep 22, 2017, 1:44 PM
I'm sorry, how did you know that?
Sep 22, 2017, 1:46 PM
Oh. guess i didn't 😞
Sep 22, 2017, 1:47 PM
A lot of my relatives were athletes. A lot more died in the Holocaust. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be "obsessed" with?
Sep 22, 2017, 1:54 PM
I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
Sep 22, 2017, 1:55 PM
There's a lot you don't know about me.
Sep 22, 2017, 1:55 PM
I'm starting to get that
Sep 22, 2017, 1:55 PM
*
Why did you move back to GA?
Oct 5, 2017, 8:17 PM
Excuse me? back?
Oct 5, 2017, 8:18 PM
Well, yeah. You always seemed dead-set against living there again.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:18 PM
and how would YOU know THAT, Robert Lawrence?
Oct 5, 2017, 8:19 PM
I guess I wouldn’t. Sorry.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:19 PM
Thank you. Forgiven.
AND, bc i;m feeling generous:
I didn't WANT to live in GA. lord, did i want to stay in New England. But i couldn't get a job, and MA is EXPENSIVE
I stayed near samwell for 3 months & then ran home with my tail between my legs
Oct 5, 2017, 8:21 PM
I'm sure it wasn't like that.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:22 PM
sure felt like it
Oct 5, 2017, 8:22 PM
I bet your family's glad to have you close.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:22 PM
not half
Savannah is 3 hours from Madison (my home town). To hear mama moan, you'd think it was the moon.
She wouldn't be happy unless i was IN Madison. In my old room, ideally.
Coach was better at first. Tried to talk sense into Mama. only one day he asked why Savannah. I was in the middle of too many things to be careful like i shoulda, and I said I liked that it was gay-friendly but smaller than Atlanta.
that's how i came out to my parents ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That was a year ago. Stuff's been rough with Coach ever since.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:29 PM
I'm sorry. That sucks.
It might not help, but my dad wasn't great when I came out to him, either. We're doing much better now.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:30 PM
STOP
Oct 5, 2017, 8:35 PM
?
Oct 5, 2017, 8:35 PM
Knowing you, you probably worked real hard on your new identity. I bet it was fun, picking names and figuring out who to be. but you DO NOT get to pretend to be part of a marginalized community you're not just to, idk, "be a new you," or bc lgbtq authors are "in" rn. if jack Zimmermann wasn't queer, then neitehr is Robert lawrence
Oct 5, 2017, 8:39 PM
Jack Zimmermann IS queer. And so is Robert Lawrence.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:45 PM
...what now
Oct 5, 2017, 8:54 PM
Can I call you? On Skype? I need to hear your voice for this.
Oct 5, 2017, 8:54 PM
Oh, I
sure thing sugar. gimme a minute to collect myself
Oct 5, 2017, 8:54 PM
Skype voice call transcript
October 5, 2017, 8:56 PM
Robert Lawrence: Hello? Eric?
Eric Bittle: Oh my god. It really is you.
RL: Ouias? Who were you expecting?
EB: Some boring Canadian named Robert Lawrence.
RL: I am some boring Canadian named Robert Lawrence.
EB: Some boring Canadian stranger named Robert Lawrence. Now, about you being queer?
RL: Eric, I'm bi. You know that.
EB: Oh, I do not. I woulda remembered!
RL: You were outside my room when Kent came to Epikegster. You must've heard him kissing me.
EB: Pssht. Kissing. Grace Cutler kissed me in the church choir loft when we were ten. I cried all the way home and said I was gonna become a Buddhist so I wouldn't have to go back. Kissing don't mean much.
RL: It did to me.
EB: And you... wanted to be kissing Kent Parson?
RL: Not by that point in my life, no. But before that. When we first knew each other. Pretty much right until my overdose. You really didn't know?
EB: Hon, I don't know anything I'm not told.
RL: Guess I really didn't tell you much, eh?
EB: Well, don't feel bad. Neither did I.
* * *
Wicky?Ollie? changed the group name to
"Do You Know the Mountain Man?"
December 15, 2015, 9:22 PM
Ransom
Ugh. that was BRUTAL
Ollie?Wicky?
Was that sabres d-man an actual mountain? ⛰️ #askingforafriend
🌞 Chowder my sweet summer child 🌞
hey bitty, how many points does jack have for the season ?
I don't know, sugar. it's probably on the Falcs website somewhere
Wicky?Ollie?
it'd be faster if he told you
idk why y'all think me & Jack are gabbing all the time.i saw him at graduation, like the rest of y'all
Holster
Yeah, but since then
Dex
We just mean... we thought you were close
hmm... no, I don't think we were
We ✨ do not ✨ deserve ✨ Larissa Duan
Bro, you and jack were together *all the time*
Sure were. for checking practice and french lessons
Whiskey
and coffee dates at annie's and romantic walks around the lake
Sorry to disappoint. It's not like we were sharing our deepest secrets and dreams. I'd like to think we were friends, or at least friendLY, but that's about it. Jack was way closer to Shitty, and Shitty hasn't heard from him either, have you?
Mr. Crappy
Not a peep. 🐣
there you go
Holster
huh
* * *
Mama ❤️🥧, Coach 🏈
November 25, 2017, 10:34 AM
Mama ❤️🥧
Dicky, hon, we're all packed up. We'll stop by the cafe on our way out of town and say goodbye.
Mama ❤️🥧
Dicky, baby?
Coach 🏈
Leave him be, Suzie. He's working.
Sorry, Mama. big group came in. y'all're welcome to come by. But we're abou to start lunch prep, so i might not have time for more'n a quick hug
Mama ❤️🥧
You've always got time for your mother, young man.
Coach 🏈
Suzie, he's WORKING
Mama ❤️🥧
Well forgive me for wanting a good long look at his face before we go. Who knows when I'll see it in person again!
Literally 3 and a half weeks
Mama ❤️🥧
Don't sass me, Mister.
Coach 🏈
Hey, Junior, you have any of those rosemary cookies today? Those were awfully good.
Mama ❤️🥧
Don't change the subject, Rick.
got your back Coach
Mama ❤️🥧 · 11:42 AM
Oh, Dicky, it really is a wonderful place.
ty Mama. i'll tell Lakeisha you like it
Well now, I didn't see Lakeisha. I saw YOU making it so charming and homey.
nope! Lakeisha did the interior design and chooses the menu. I'm just fast hands and a pretty face
You didn't see her bc she's busy dealing w/suppliers & the city & maintenance ppl & the books & the other stuff that goes into owning a small business.🤩 Easy for me to be charming when I don't have to deal w/that
ijust meant it was nice to see you ther
*I just
*there
If Lakeisha wanted to expand, she could do worse than to put you in charge.
Expand to Madison, you mean
Would it be so bad?
Oh no. being a closeted, isolated cafe manager in my homophobic hometown would be living the dream
You'd be close to your family. And I bet Lakeisha would let you experiment with recipes.
Like those jam tarts? I KNOW you made those. I'd recognize that crimping anywhere.
Yup. i make the jam tarts
w/aunt judy's jam recipe
WHAT.
*
Coach 🏈 · 2:26 PM
Taking your life into your own hands with the jam, Junior.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ seemed like a good idea at the time?
Sure thing, son
btw, the book's real good. thx for the loan
What book?
sports and ww2
WHAT???
HOw'd u get that????????
Your mother grabbed it. Said you had 5 on your shelf
And that makes it ok to TAKE 1?!?
I'm sorry, Junior. I thought she'd asked.
she did NOT
Sorry Daddy. I'm not mad at YOU
I can send it back when I'm done
that's alright. You enjoy it
Mind if I ask why you had 5 copies?
...yes actually i do 😬
*
Skype voice call transcript
Sunday, November 25, 2017, 2:14 PM
RL: Why do you have five copies of my book? Sorry, four copies.
EB: Well, as it happens, I was looking for a cookbook.
RL: And you got lost in the bookstore?
EB: Hush, you. I'm telling a story. Hold your toque on.
RL: [laughing] My what?
EB: Your toque. Your fancy Canadian hat.
RL: My toque.
EB: Yes. Your toque.
RL: Toque.
EB: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
RL: Never mind. Tell me about the book.
EB: I was on my way to the grocery store, and there's this bookstore in the same strip mall? And there was this sign in the window that this local chef I like had a new cookbook out. I thought, well, I'm here, might as well get one!
Well, the cooking section's way in the back of the store—they're no dummies; they know a lot of people 'round here come in for that, so they make us walk past eeeeverything else to get to 'em—and I was walking along, and there it was. This book about World War 2 athletes.
RL: You just happened to see it, eh?
EB: It'd been turned face-out. Like a staff pick? And I just... [heavy sigh]
RL: Bittle?
EB: You don't know. You don't know what it was like for me—for us —when you disappeared. I mean, let's be honest: you did a crappy job keeping in touch after you graduated, but we could turn on a Falcs games or look at their website and there you'd be. So at least we'd know you were alive. Even though you looked like microwaved death.
RL: Yeah, I was... it wasn't...
EB: After you left the league, it was like you'd never existed. The Falcs released that statement that you'd left the team and they wished you the best, and after that... not a blessed thing. We didn't know what'd happened or where you were. We called and texted and got out-of-service messages. We emailed and got bouncebacks. Shitty called your parents, but...
RL: What did they say?
EB: Well, now, I don't know, because I wasn't there, and he won't talk about it. But he was grim after he hung up. Rattled. I think your daddy threatened him a little.
RL: Sorry. They get overprotective.
EB: That's what you're gonna apologize for? Your parents? Not the fact that you completely ghosted the people you claimed were your family for four years?
RL: You don't understand.
EB: You're right, I don't. I moved a thousand miles from my hometown because I couldn't live in that environment one more day, but I didn't disappear in the night and let my parents find out about it through a formal statement from some official representative. So, no, I don't understand. I have one picture of you in my phone, and a bunch a trophies in Faber have your name on 'em. If not for that, I mighta thought I made you up.
We woulda given you space if you'd asked for it. Hell, we woulda pretended we'd never heard of you, if you'd asked for that. We'd'a done just about anything for you, if you'd asked.
RL: Bittle, I couldn't. I was suffocating, and I had to get away from everything that made it hard to breathe. I know that hurt all of you, and I am sorry for that.
EB: Thank you. I'm sorry we couldn't support you the way you needed.
RL: Thank you. [long silence] ...I still don't understand why you bought five copies.
EB: Oh. Well, I'd mostly gotten over missing you by that point, but there were moments when—anyway, there was this book. About a topic you loved, with an author name that made me think of you, and a Canadian publisher. I thought I was losing my mind, but... but what if, right? So I bought every copy they had. I thought I'd send 'em to the guys, you know? So they could read it and laugh and tell me, "Bitty, you're nuts. Jack didn't write that book!" We'd have a laugh about how silly I'd been, and I'd... I don't know. Let go of you a little more, I guess.
RL: But you still have them.
EB: Because I started reading the danged thing. Wasn't a chapter in when I knew you wrote it.
RL: How?
EB: Oh, hon, it's drier than Doris Lester's poundcake, bless your heart.
RL: Oh. Ow.
EB: But it's got this real subtle humor that most folks probably don't notice. And diagrams as neat as hockey plays. And at least four pictures with geese in the background. It had to be you. Then we started talking, and I realized how hard you'd worked to leave your old life behind. I was still madder'n a wet hen, but after that it felt like... like a secret that wasn't mine to tell.
RL: I... guess I never planned for that. Like I said, I never expected any of you to read it. Carpenter's a really small press. It wasn't a huge print run. I have no idea how five copies ended up in a bookstore in Savannah.
EB: Search me, sugar.
RL: Send everyone the book. You have my permission.
EB: I'll think about it. Tell you the truth, I'm kind of enjoying having you to myself.
RL: Oh. Me too, I think.
*
Mr. Crappy changed the group name to
"The Itty Bitty Book Committee"
December 11, 2017, 1:44 PM
Mr. Crappy
Yo, Bitty, my man, you sent us a book?
🌞 Chowder my sweet summer child 🌞
Oh! Us too! Dex found it this morning when he went out to clear snow off the roof
Oh, Tango
y was a book on the Haus roof?
Wicky?Ollie?
Ours came yesterday
Mr. Crappy
Wait, is this the book you bought like a dozen copies of?
It was 5, and yes
Sorry i couldn't send you one, johnson. My mama stole my 5th copy
John Johannes Johnson
It's all good, bro. I'm staying with ollie and wicky for a couple weeks while my apartment gets fumigated. Which is wild, because until this second, I didn't know my apartment was getting fumigated. Or that I had an apartment. Or that I'm close enough to Ollie and Wicky, geographically or emotionally, to stay with them while this happened. Anyway, i'll read their copy. What a wild turn of fate, huh ;)
Holster
brooooooooooooooo!
are we forming a book club?
i've always wanted to be in a book club!
Ransom
You ahve?
Holster
man, who DOESN'T want to sit around with wine & cheese saying, "Well, I didn't actually read this" then have a bunch of bullshit opinions about it anyway
We ✨ do not ✨ deserve ✨ Larissa Duan
bruh, that was literally every paper you wrote in college. except replace "wine & cheese" with "tub juice & bagel bites"
Holster
you wound me lardo
I wasn't thinking book club. I was thinking end of term's coming up. maybe folks could read it over break, if they want.
Holster
book club book club book club book club
Ransom
Please say yes, Bitty. this coffee table can't take much more abuse.
Fine. book club
Do y'all think you can have the first chapter read by, uh...
January 13? I know most book clubs read the whole book in one go, but I also know what y'all's schedules are like.
👍 6
Holster
book club book club book club book club
* * *
Skype video meeting transcript
Saturday, January 13, 2018, 15:00 PM Eastern Time (US)
Page 1
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Hear ye, hear ye. The first meeting of the Robert Lawrence Book Club will now come to order. The Honorable Eric Richard Bittle presiding.
Christopher "Chowder" Chowder-Chow: Wow, Shitty! If lawyering doesn't work out for you, you could be one of those guys who shouts in courtrooms!
Lards.: [muffled laughter]
Chill, Dex: Yo, Bits, these scones are fire.
Ollie O'Meara-Wicks: Yeah, man, you didn't have to bake for us!
Pacer Wicks-O'Meara: Not that we would ever turn down your baked goods, is what Ollie is trying to say.
Bitty: Oh, hush, y'all. What's a book club without baked goods?
Holster: Hear motherfucking hear!
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): But please not the Robert Lawrence Book Club. I could not be part of a book club that only reads this dry-ass shit.
Chill, Dex: Right? Fortunately, as far as I can tell, this is his first book.
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): And may it be his last.
Holster: From your mouth to HaShem's ears, dude.
Bitty: Come on, y’all. It’s not that bad.
Lards.: It's funny. In a dry, Canadian way.
heldforransom: As a Canadian, I object.
Jon Hopper, class of 2020 (he/him): Bitty or Lardo, could you point out the funny parts, please?
Bully: [coughing sounds]suckup[coughing sounds]
Lards.: Oh, like, dude, the part about World War I?
Bitty: Yes! Listen, this is on page 19....
...
Page 60
Bitty: Okay, y'all, is that all for today?
Dex: I know I've said all I need to say about chapter 1.
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): I hate it less than I did an hour ago. Thanks, everyone.
Bitty: Wellies, get me your game and class schedules. I'll schedule next month at a time y'all can make it.
Christopher "Chowder" Chowder-Chow: Thanks, Bitty!
heldforransom: And, seriously, Bits, you don't have to bake for us next time.
Holster: I'll thank you to keep your heretical opinions to yourself, Justin.
Lards.: At least let us chip in a couple bucks for ingredients and courier costs.
Bitty: Lardo, what kind of hospitality would it be if I let you pay me?
Shitty Knight, Esq.: The kind where only you and Dex can bake for shit, and you're not exactly rolling in it.
Bitty: Thank you very much for that reminder, Mr. Knight.
Lards.: If it helps, picture Shitty's racist, sexist, classist, xenophobic, homophobic grandparents paying for your flour. That's what I do when he buys me shit I feel weird about.
heldforransom: Amen.
Bitty: I'll think about it. And, oh! Invite your housemate next time!
Holster: Yeah, no, she hates us.
heldforransom: Like legitimately wants us to die.
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Which is not our fault! The Craigslist ad said, and I quote, "Must be motherfucking down to motherfucking clown!"
heldforransom: Which she is motherfucking not.
Bitty: Well, invite her anyway. Might be the olive branch y'all need. All right, get outta here. Scoot!
Lards.: Hey, Bits, stick around for a sec?
Christopher "Chowder" Chowder-Chow: Oh, are we doing something else now?
Lards.: Nah. I just need to check something with Bitty quick.
Chill, Dex: She's saying the grown-ups need grown-up time.
Lards.: Goodbye, Nursey.
[14 people have left the call.]
Shitty Knight, Esq.: So. Bitty. Bitty-bitty-bitty. Itty Bitty Bittle Bits.
Bitty: Oh, sorry, hon, are you still here, too?
Lards.: [laughing] Nice. Listen, Bitty, this is your book club. We won’t try to dictate what we talk about.
Bitty: That's sweet, but it's everyone's book club. Just because I bought the book doesn't mean I run the group. If anything, it's Holster's book club?
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Our question is: will we, or will we not, be discussing the fact that one Jack Laurent Zimmermann wrote this book?
Bitty: I—y—wh—
Lards.: We broke him, Shits.
Bitty: I'm not broken, Ms. Duan! I—I'm laughing, that's what. I'm laughing at the idea that Jack wrote this book, when it clearly says Robert J. Lawrence on the cover.
Lards.: [laughing] Oh my god.
Shitty: Okay, my bitty bro, we'll make it easy for you: Jackaroo always came to me or Lards when he needed someone to edit his papers.
Lards.: In all of Samwell, only Jack has read more of Jack's writing. When I say it has a dry Canadian humor, I mean, "I recognize Jack Zimmermann's historical dad jokes when I see them."
Bitty: A lot of people are Canadian?
Shitty: Also, did you know that my dad's firm did a lot of business in Zurich?
Bitty: I... what?
Shitty: Once upon a time, when I was young and impressionable and still wanted that shitstain to like me, I was planning to go into the family biz. I took three years of German in junior high.
Bitty: Y'all had German in your junior high?
Shitty: My point is that "Zimmermann" is a German word meaning "carpenter."
Bitty: Okay? And?
Lards.: Carpenter Press, bro.
Bitty: What? Oh? Oh! You reckon this is self-published?
Shitty: I do not. I think Bad Bob bought or started a publishing business for the sole purpose of publishing Jack's book.
Lards.: We won't say anything if you don't want us to. If you're saving it for a big reveal later, we can act surprised—
Shitty: Oh, dude, I've been practicing my surprised face! Look! "I'm shocked, I tell you. Simply shocked!"
Bitty: Thank you both. For real. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it at all. If the others figure it out, so be it. And I don't mind if you tell anyone. But... they won't hear it from me.
Lards.: Okay, cool. Just wanted to know where things are.
Shitty: I don't think we'll tell 'em. It's kinda fun to know something those fuckers don't, right? Our little secret?
Bitty: Sure. I guess...
* * *
March 29, 2018
Skype voice call transcript
Eric Bittle: Can I ask you something? Something personal, I mean.
Robert Lawrence: You can ask me anything. I don't know if I can answer everything, but you can ask.
EB: What happened? To us, I mean.
RL: Oh. Euh...
EB : I mean, I don't think I was imagining that we'd gotten close by the end of Professor Atley's class. I know I sure—uh. Anyway. Then we got back from break, and you were super frosty. Polite, but real distant. I felt like we were back where we started, just with less shouting.
RL: Well... Kenny happened.
EB: Kenny? Kent Parson? We stopped being friends because Kent Parson crashed Epikegster?
RL: Come on, Bittle. I caught you eavesdropping outside my door!
EB: I dropped my key!
RL: For three minutes?
EB: How the heck do you know how long I was there?
RL: Hypervigilance has to be good for something, right?
EB: Hon, you know that I woulda never—
RL: I hoped you wouldn't. But I couldn't be sure, eh?
EB: Of all the people who lived in that Haus, I was the last person you needed to worry about. The terror of the closet? Yeah, I'm very familiar with that.
RL: You were out and proud at Samwell! I wondered if you were mad at me for not being the same.
EB: Oh, hon, I would never. 'Specially not when you were mad enough at yourself for two. I can't imagine what you were feeling after Kent left, but that's not on me. I was just a drunk gay boy trying to get into his own danged room. 'Sides, like I told you before, I wasn't sure you were gay, or bi, or anything. I heard a kiss, sure, but I had no idea who was or wasn't a willing participant. I'm sorry I heard things you didn't want me to, but I would never have held them against you. Didn't you find the apology/commiseration/don't worry about a thing cookies I put in your suitcase?
RL: Canadian Customs seized those cookies and tried to fine me for bringing them into the country undeclared.
EB: Oh! I'm so sorry. I didn't think about you having to go through Customs!
RL: Classic Bittle. Thinking so hard about how to make me like you that you didn't actually think about me.
EB: Well, that's super not true, and it's not fair. But I am sorry about the cookies.
RL: I rarely thought about anyone but me, if that makes you feel better.
EB: That's not true, either. You thought about the team all the time. Don't think I've forgotten that awful storm when you came around to the dorms to make sure we had what we needed.
RL: Well, sure. Because the team was a tool I needed to get what I wanted. I didn't really care if you were okay. I cared that you stayed in good enough shape to get back on the ice when the storm was over.
EB: Well, if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, you're still doing it.
RL: I… guess. Huh. When did you get so smart?
EB: Look here, mister. I'm not as effortlessly smart as Shitty and Ransom or as diligent as you and Lardo, but I'm not dumb. The fact that I got into Samwell at all should remind y'all of that, and I wish you'd stop treating me like a dumb hick because I have a Southern accent and ADHD.
RL: Yes, I... that's true. I'm sorry we treated you like you weren't as smart as the rest of us because of that. But, euh, congratulations on your diagnosis, I guess.
EB: What diagnosis?
RL: Euh... ADHD?
EB: I got that diagnosis when I was twelve. Hall and Murray knew, and so did my professors. And, yes, before you ask: I also have a PTSD diagnosis from the utility closet incident. And a therapist to help me manage it.
RL: But... tabarnak! If I'd known when you joined the team why you had such a problem with checking—
EB: I shouldn'ta had to show you my trauma to get some basic human decency.
RL: No. You shouldn't have.
EB: Hey, Robbie?
RL: Yeah?
EB: I'm real glad we're having these talks.
RL: Sure thing, Bittle.
EB: No, for real, I mean it! They're not fun, but we shoulda had ‘em a long time ago. I'm glad we're having them now.
RL: Yeah. I guess I am, too.
* * *
Skype
April 10, 2018
Voice call to RobertJLawrence ended, duration 00:05:19, 5:31 AM
*
Skype
April 18, 2018
Voice call to RobertJLawrence ended, duration 00:29:20, 6:45 PM
*
Skype
April 27, 2018
Voice call to RobertJLawrence ended, duration 00:44:43, 9:01 PM
*
Skype
May 6, 2018
Voice call from RobertJLawrence ended, duration 01:05:31, 6:50 AM
*
Skype
May 18, 2018
Voice call to RobertJLawrence ended, duration 01:10:04, 7:10 PM
*
Skype
May 29, 2018
Voice call from RobertJLawrence ended, duration 00:15:22, 2:15 AM
*
Recent Calls
📲 Robbie
May 29, 2018, 5:20 AM, 00:06:22
*
Recent Calls
Robbie
June 6, 18, 2018, 8:09 PM, 01:33:16
* * *
Mama ❤️🥧, Coach 🏈
Friday, June 15, 2018
Mama ❤️🥧
Dicky, do you have a minute to Skype?
Not really. Sorry, Mama
Getting ready for book club on Sunday
Mama ❤️🥧
You didn’t tell me you’re in a BOOK CLUB!
Coach 🏈
How do you get ready for a book club, Junior?
bake a LOT of mini pies and arrange a courier to deliver them
Mama ❤️🥧
What are you reading? Tell me about it!
Coach 🏈
Suzie, the boy said he's busy.
It's all right Coach.
It's the Robert Lawrence book. The one you read? about ww2 athletes
me & the samwell crew are reading through it
it's slow going bc we gotta work around classes & hockey for the ones who are still in school & the rest of us have lives too. ew're on ch6 this month
Mama ❤️🥧
Honey, that's wonderful! Rick, you've read the book. You should join them!
Coach 🏈
He doesn't want his old man in his book group, Suzie. This ain't like your church book club. It's an
excuse for the boys to get together. Ain't that right, son?
Well... yeah. But we DO discuss the book, too. You could drop in. Say hi at least
Mama ❤️🥧
See, Rick? He'd be happy to have you.
Coach 🏈
If you're sure.
Why not
Could be fun
But listen: we have a zero tolerance policy on discriminatory language. NO jokes or put-downs about anyboyd's race sex gender religin or ANYTHING
we've been known to make exception's about the author's "terrible canadian humor" but that's mostly to rile ransom up about canadians not being like that
You get ONE reminder. 2nd offense is a month suspension. 3rd is a lifetime ban
same for pronouns
Can you agree to that?
Coach 🏈
Sounds reasonable
Mama ❤️🥧
This is so exciting! My goodness, Rick, who'd've thought that of the two of us, YOU'D be the one in
a book club with Dicky!
i'm not sure i'll have time to bake you anything this time
Coach 🏈
Junior, did you forget who I live with? PLEASE don't bake me anything.
Mama ❤️🥧
It is not that bad!
🤣🤣🤣
* * *
Skype video meeting transcript
Sunday, June 17, 2018, 16:00 Eastern Time
Page 1
Shitty Knight, Esq.: RICHARD BITTLE IN THE HOUUUSE!
Coach: Hey, boys. Ladies.
Lardon (the n is silent), Foxtrot Ford (they/she): Not a lady.
Tango Tangredi: Oh dip.
Bitty: Coach, that's your one reminder.
Coach: Understood, son.
Jon Hopper, class of 2020 (he/him): Oooh, Coach Bitty's Dad, will you tell us embarrassing stories about Bitty's childhood?
Bitty: No. Hops, that's a fine for disrespectin' your former captain. Now, Chapter 6! Athlete Nurses in the Pacific Theatre.
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): As a theater major, I object to that use of the word.
Whiskey; Tango Tangredi: We know.
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: As an American, I object to Mr. Lawrence's spelling of "theatre."
Ransom; Shitty Knight, Esq.; Lardon (the n is silent): We know.
Bitty: Sorry, Coach. They're just... like this.
Coach: Are you kidding me? This is the best book club I've ever been to.
...
Incoming message from Robbie
Bittle. Turn on ESPN.
I'm in the middle of something. Can i catch it later?
Please. This is
Please just
Okay, hon. I gotcha.
...
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA : Yo, Bits! Stop texting and be present, dude. Whiskey said something profound, and you missed it!
Bitty: Sorry, hon. Sorry, Connor. I was—can someone turn on ESPN? Or find whatever's going on on their website and screen share?
Wm. Poindexter: Oh, shit. It's probably this.
Shared video of Kent Parson press conference via ESPN: Look, these (BEEP)ing rumors have been following me since Juniors. By now I've proven that my sexuality has no bearing on my ability to play hockey.
Nursey: Oh boy.
Shared video of Kent Parson press conference via ESPN: That said, I've found someone either smart enough or masochistic enough, depending on your opinion of me, to agree to marry me. And that person is a dude.
Nursey; Shitty Knight, Esq.; Adam Birkholtz, CPitA; Ransom: Dude.
...
How are you doing, hon?
I'm not sure. It's like
I remember our life together, but like it happened to someone else.
I mean, it kind of did? It was so long ago. And you've worked so hard to build a different life for yourself.
I thought he'd never come out. Not even after he retired. He used to have literal nightmares about it.
love changes people, i guess
yeah.
He looks happy
he looks ready to eat eery reporter in the room
He's not happy about the press conference. But underneath? His baseline is happy. Look at his
eyes when he talks about the guy.
...
Kent Parson: Let me be clear: my fiancé is not a professional athlete. He's not a celebrity. He's just a guy. Leave him the (BEEP) alone, or answer to my lawyers.
Lardon (the n is silent): I don't like to agree with Holster if I can avoid it—
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Hey!
Lardon (the n is silent): But you're missing a lot of stuff here.
...
listen hon i'm in the middle of book club
You're still doing that?
Sure are! it's the nurses chapter today
Um... do you think i could
nvm
Bad idea
You want to say hi?
would that be awful
I don't think so. now i can't promise they won't give u a hard time about disappearing. but i KNOW they'd be so so happy to see u
Lemme check. I don't wanna spring u on them
...
Bitty: Okay, y'all. So, I've been texting with someone.
Shark Chowder: Yeah! We could tell!
Bitty: No, I mean—well, yes, now, but I mean in general. For the past couple months.
Lardon (the n is silent): Is it a friend?
Ransom: Who is a boy?
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): Is it a boyfriend?
Multiple voices: ooooOOOOOOoooooh!
Bitty: Oh, hush, y'all.
A River Skates Through It: Wait, is it Kent Parson?
Bitty: What? No!
Ransom: Dude.
Pacer Wicks-O'Meara: Oh, shit, dude.
Ollie O'Meara-Wicks: Parse did say his fiancé isn't a celebrity or an athlete.
Johnson the metaphysical couch-surfer: Isn't a professional athlete.
Bitty: Y'all are not helping.
Wm. Poindexter: No, but Bitty hates Parse. Ask anyone.
Coach: It's a thin line between love and hate.
Bitty: Daddy! Stop it! Sometimes it's a thin line. Sometimes it's a wall of spite and jam jars. Listen, y'all. I am not engaged to Kent Parson. I have not been talking to Kent Parson. It's... it's Robert Lawrence.
Wm. Poindexter: Kent Parson is engaged to Robert Lawrence?
Jon Hopper, class of 2020 (he/him): That just seems super unlikely.
Bitty: Yoncé give me strength. I have been talking with Robert Lawrence. We were texting just now, and, well, he'd like to join the call, if that's okay with everyone. Since we're reading his book.
Tango Tangredi: Oh! Robert Lawrence who wrote the book! That'd be swawesome. I have questions.
Shark Chowder: Robert Lawrence who is also Jack Zimmermann?
Multiple Voices: [cacophony; multiple voices speaking at once]
Wm. Poindexter: We weren't going to tell anyone, Chowder!
Tango Tangredi: Okay, but how is that possible?
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Bits, I swear on my mother's prenup: Lards and I didn't tell a soul.
Ransom: You knew? Bitty knew you knew?
Lardon (the n is silent): Everybody pipe down! Bitty, for real. You okay?
Bitty: I'm just... I mean... I didn't think anyone else knew.
Wm. Poindexter: I swear we didn't until, what, like, two weeks ago?
Nursey: Stoned Chowder is wicked good at big-picture thinking.
Shitty Knight, Esq.: That's my boy!
Bitty: What have you done to my poor, innocent son?
Shark Chowder; Nursey; Wm. Poindexter: [laughing]
Bitty: All right, fine, yes. If the cat's outta the bag. Robert Lawrence, who is also Jack Zimmermann, would like to join our call. Is that okay?
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Are you kidding me?
Bitty: No?
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Would it be okay if Jack, who none of us have talked to for almost two years, came on to say hi?
Ransom: Oh, dude, actually, when you put it like that...
Lardon (the n is silent): Get him on the call, Bits. No promises that these dipshits won't be dipshits. But we'd like to see his ugly mug. Proof of life and all that.
Bitty: Thanks, Lardo.
...
sending the link
They're ok w it? really?
they're hurting. they might hide it by acting silly. be sincere and say you're sorry. MEAN IT. i think y'all'll be ok in the end
thanks Bittle
got your back, hon
...
Robert Lawrence has joined the call
Robert Lawrence: Oh. Hey, Bittle.
Bitty: [soft laugh] Hey yourself, hon. Oh. My memory does not do your eyes justice.
Robert Lawrence: I hadn't remembered the color of your hair quite right.
A River Skates Through It: [whispering] Is Bitty having a moment with this dude?
Lardon (the n is silent): [whispering] Not for long. Wait for it...
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Robert Lawrence?
Ransom: The Robert Lawrence? Robert J. Lawrence, author of For Game and Country: Soldier-Athletes in WWII?
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Sign my book?
Ransom: Sign my computer screen?
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: Sign my scones?
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Oh my god, bruh, it's your actual face.
Tango Tangredi: Mr. Lawrence, I have a question about Chapter 3?
Bitty: Okay, stop! Will y'all let a boy live?
Ransom: I mean, if a friend disappears for over two years and no one hears from him, how can you know if he's alive or dead? How can we let him live if we're not sure he's alive to begin with? Schrödinger's friend.
Robert Lawrence: Ransom. Everyone. I'm so sorry I disappeared. I won't do it again.
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Jackabelle, I think I speak for everyone when I say: good. That was a fucking awful thing to do, and it hurt. Try it again, and every last one of us will stand in the middle of Montréal and yell until you can't ignore us anymore.
Robert Lawrence: Understood. But, euh, I don't live in Montréal?
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Then we will yell all over Canada, motherfucker!
Lardon (the n is silent): You know we'll do it, bro.
Tango Tangredi: Because I also have questions about Chapter 1?
Robert Lawrence: Understood. I promise I won't. I don't think Bittle would let me, eh?
Bitty: Not on your life, Mr. Lawrence. I have a skill for finding you.
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Now. Questions!
Tango Tangredi: Yes, please. About this part in Chapter 2—
Ransom: No, man, questions for Jack. Like, where've you been?
Shark Chowder: What've you been up to?
Wm. Poindexter: Is your ass as big as it was before?
Robert Lawrence: Oh, euh... just outside Québec City, writing this book, and, um, not quite as big but still—oh, wow. Coach Bittle. Hi, sir.
Coach: Oh, don't mind me, son.
Bitty: [muffled giggling]
Lardon (the n is silent): Move to forgive Jack for all transgressions on account of having been allowed to witness that.
Nursey: Seconded.
Multiple voices, indistinguishable: Aye.
Coach: Are we going to talk about this book or what? Because I also have questions about this part in Chapter 2.
Tango Tangredi: [whispering] Yes!
...
Page 85
Wm. Poindexter: Okay, guys, I don't want to be the buzzkill—
Nursey: So maybe don't?
Wm. Poindexter: But I have to be up early tomorrow. And I feel like we've discussed this chapter to death?
Jon Hopper, class of 2020 (he/him): We've certainly been very thorough.
Ransom: It's not every day the Robert J. Lawrence comes to talk about his book with you.
Robert Lawrence: Oh. Well. Euh... it could be? I mean, not every day, but... I could be at your next meeting? Talk about the next chapter.
[long silence]
Robert Lawrence: Or, euh... not, I guess.
Shitty Knight, Esq.: Robert J. Lawrence, don't you dare.
Adam Birkholtz, CPitA: No takesie-backsies
Lardon (the n is silent): We're having a moment, bro.
Bitty: We're taking the rest of the summer off, Robbie, but we'd be real happy to have you back in September.
Robert Lawrence: Yeah. That'd be nice. And, euh... Bittle knows my twitter, if anyone wants to send me a message.
Nursey: Oh snap.
Ransom: Did the Robert J. Lawrence just invite us to slide into his DMs?
Robert Lawrence: I don't know about sliding, but you could definitely message me?
[multiple voices laughing]
Lardon (the n is silent): Rock lord.
Bitty: Get outta here, all of you. Leave the boy be, I swear. Robbie, you'n me'll talk later, right?
Robert Lawrence: Yeah, please.
Foxtrot Ford (they/she): Get it, Bits!
Bitty: Good-bye, everyone.
Coach: Can you hang on a minute, Junior?
Robert Lawrence: Oh, wow, you're still here, Coach.
Pacer Wicks-O'Meara: It's a dad power.
Tango Tangredi: Why does everyone always want to talk to Bitty after?
John Johannes Johnson: He's the protagonist.
[15 people have left the call.]
Coach: Hey, Junior.
Bitty: Daddy, it was so nice to have you here! Did you have a good time?
Coach: Sure did. A lot better than your mother's book club, that's for sure.
Bitty: Think you'll be back?
Coach: September, that's...
Bitty: The beginning of football season.
Coach: But you and I can talk about the book. Text about it, maybe.
Bitty: I'd like that.
Coach: And, uh, listen.
[long pause]
Bitty: Coach? You muted?
Coach: Lawrence. Zimmermann. Whatever his name is. He's... a good kid. You two seem, [throat clearing] good. For each other.
Bitty: ...Coach. Do you think Robbie 'n' me are... dating?
Coach: Are you... not?
Bitty: Heavens, no. We're just friends.
Coach: You don't look at him like you look at your other friends. You look at him like I looked at your mama when we first got together.
Bitty: Well, I mean, I had a crush at Samwell that's maybe not as over as I'd like, but—
Coach: He looks at you the same way.
Bitty: What? No! I don't think—really?
Coach: I mean, unless things're real different between guys.
Bitty: [muffled] Not that different.
Coach: [throat clearing] Well, uh, I better go. I hear your mama calling me.
Bitty: Mama's not even home. She left an hour ago; I heard that squeaky garage door. But I'll allow it, because I'm as uncomfortable with this conversation as you are.
Coach: Thanks, Junior. ...You've grown up into a fine young man. That Zimmermann would be lucky to have you.
Bitty: Nnnnngh.
Coach: [laughing] All right. I'm going.
[Coach has left the meeting.]
Meeting ended Sunday, June 17, 2018, 17:39 Eastern Time (US)
...
Skype video meeting transcript
Sunday, June 17, 2018, 17:40 Eastern Time
Robert Lawrence: Euh, Bitty? Everything all right? ...bud, did you mean to call me? You look pale.
Bitty: I feel pale, Mr. Lawrence. My daddy, if you can believe it, has given you his blessing to date me.
Robert Lawrence: What.
Bitty: Well, first he thought we were already dating. When I said we weren't, he said we make heart-eyes at each other and that you'd be lucky to have me.
Robert Lawrence: I... would. Yes.
Bitty: What.
Robert Lawrence: I... I hadn't thought about it, but... I would be lucky to have you. I—you're my best friend, and—
Bitty: I am?
Robert Lawrence: You know me better than anyone beside my parents. Maybe even my parents. Jack Zimmermann, Robert Lawrence, doesn't matter. You know me.
Bitty: But that doesn't mean—I mean, just because we—and because Coach said—
Robert Lawrence: Hey. Bitty, hey. He didn't say anything we didn't know. At some level. It's like with hockey, right? Sometimes you don't know you have the shot until everything lines up.
Bitty: Are you—hon, are you asking me out? With a hockey metaphor?
Robert Lawrence: I think it's a simile?
Bitty: Robert Jackson Lawrence!
Robert Lawrence: Uncle Wayne says you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. Take the shot with me, Bits. What do you think?
Bitty: I think I can't think of anything better.
* * *
Mama ❤️🥧, Coach 🏈
Sunday, May 12, 2019, 3:10 PM
Mama ❤️🥧
Home sweet home!
Thanks for letting me know!
And thank you both SO MUCH for the packing help
I was PANICKING when you got here (don't know if yo noticed 😉)
Coach 🏈
Maybe a little.
Now i feel like i can actually get done by thursday
Mama ❤️🥧
Sweetie, we didn't do anything but make to-do lists and get you organized.
That's HUGE! It's what i needed to get started and i don't know if i coulda without you. Or, i coulda, but with way more tears #thanksadhd
Mama ❤️🥧
Well, I'm glad we got to spend one last weekend with you before you move all that way away! We're going to miss you so much! 💔
I know Mama. i'll miss you too. But we all know i need this. And i'm just a phone call away
Coach 🏈
We're real proud of you, son.
Thanks, Daddy.
Coach 🏈
If y'all get that book club going again, you let me know.
Funny you should mention that. I hear Robert Lawrence has a new book coming out next year...
* * *
Transcript of "Check, Please!" vlog episode posted Saturday, May 18, 2019
Hey, y'all! It's Eric! Eagle-eyed viewers may recognize this as the kitchen where I made some of my best memories—and episodes!—the Samwell Men's Hockey Haus kitchen. Between you, me, and Betsy II here, the boys haven't taken the best care of the place since I've been gone.
Why am I here? Well, tomorrow is graduation! I'm here to watch my beautiful taddies swim away from this pond. I can't believe they're graduating. Feels like yesterday they were on their campus tour, wide-eyed and fulla questions—well, Tango's still full of questions, that's just how that boy is. He's gonna make such a good journalist. Oh, and Whiskey headed to the Grand Rapids Griffins and Ford off to UNLV for their MFA. Anyway, I'm grateful to be here to celebrate 'em taking this next step in their journeys.
And tomorrow afternoon, once the ceremony and the surely well-behaved partying [winks] are done, I'm starting the drive to Canada!
Oh my gosh, y'all, I am so excited for this new chapter in my life! I'm real sad to leave my family, but let's face it: I didn't see 'em that much. And I'll miss the heck outta Lakeisha and the bakery crew. But Lakeisha has a great head for business and some talented bakers coming up. They'll do fine.
And what I'm traveling toward ... oh, I wish I could tell you so much more about it, but me 'n' Robbie agreed I wouldn't say a ton for now. Just know that I'm headed toward a super exciting new job opportunity that'll give me freedom to do what interests me on my own timeline, a brand new city I'm real excited to explore, and... [sighs wistfully] And Robbie. The mysterious Canadian boyfriend y'all've been teasing me about.
I can tell you I'm heading toward a French-speaking part of Canada, so I've been trying real hard to up my French game, but I'm not doing so well. My pronunciation is très mauvais. 'Specially since I studied France-French in college, and, y'all, Canadian French is a whooooole different kettle of escargot.
[deep breath]
But it's worth it. Robbie matters so much to me. We matter so much to me. Heck, I matter enough to me to take a chance on my future.
I can't wait to live whatever's coming next!
But first, we're back to where so much of it started: making pies in the Haus kitchen! Come on, ya'll. Let's get started.