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Aizawa isn’t paid enough for this. Fifteen years ago, if you told him that he’d be driving his most problematic student to the police station because the brat had gotten himself arrested while his own son cackled madly in the backseat and posted about it on his private story on Instagram, he would have thrown his drink in your face. Because again, he is not paid enough for this shit . Nowhere on the job description did it say “Drive your students to the police station and make them beg for mercy” or “Have too much empathy and adopt a cynical fucker who’s actually the exact same as you and is, therefore, a menace”. No. Where. Be a teacher, they said. It would be fun , they said. Relaxing , they said. Spread knowledge , they said.
Aizawa sighs, rubbing his forehead in a vain attempt to ease his oncoming headache. He should have brought Hizashi. No nevermind, Hizashi would make this entire situation ten times worse. Fuck.
Aizawa turns around and oh there it is, the sight of his one and only son grinning and throwing up a peace sign as he takes yet another picture of Izuku looking sheepish in the backseat.
“Hitoshi, please stop taking pictures of yourself, Izuku is going to jail” Aizawa sighs, turning around when the light turns green.
“Dad, can’t you see that this is good publicity?” Hitoshi grins, as Izuku whines next to him.
“Hitoshi please stop why does everyone in your close friends need to know I’m being arrested I didn’t even know minors could be arrested ” Izuku wails and oh there go Aizawa’s eardrums. There they go. Go, going gone . Aizawa digs out a pair of earplugs from the console drawer and shoves them in his ear, pretending that they work and he suddenly has peace of mind. Ah, bliss.
(It doesn’t work).
Aizawa sighs and glares at Izuku from the mirror as he continues to grumble about minors not being allowed to go to prison. “Problem child, you are a vigilante and you just destroyed thousands of dollars worth of government-owned property you’re going to be punished either way, even if you don’t go to jail.” Honestly, kids these days. Running away from school and then becoming a vigilante and giving Aizawa more stress than he needs He’s only thirty for heaven’s sake . He should have just expelled them from the start.
Hitoshi snorts and throws up another peace sign. “You’re thinking that you should have just expelled us all from the very beginning aren’t you.” Aizawa frowns. Freaking psychic child.
“I’m going to disown you,” he informs Hitoshi, who does nothing but stick his tongue out at him. So mature. Aizawa wonders where he learned that from. Definitely not him.
Izuku starts whining again, something about a dog being stuck under the building so, of course, he had to go and destroy the entire apartment complex since it was ugly and no one was in there anyways . Forget about heroics, these students need to be taught economics .
Aizawa makes a left turn and Hitoshi perks up, a thought suddenly appearing into his head. Aizawa really really doesn’t want to know what it is. Oh god.
“Dad, does this mean I’m officially the favorite child?”
Oh god.
Izuku starts whining even louder again, “JUST BECAUSE I DESTROY ONE BUILDING I GET KNOCKED OFF THE FAVORITE CHILD LIST THIS IS HOMOPHOBIC WHY DO YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE.”
Aizawa sighs and presses his fingers to his temple. “One, neither of you are my favorite child, Eri is, and two, Izuku I am a gay man you can’t use the homophobic joke on me please be quiet before I tell Bakugou you got yourself into trouble again , for the third time this month.”
Hitoshi grins, already over being told that Eri’s the favorite child (to be fair, Eri’s everyone’s favorite), and says “Oh, Bakugou already knows. He’s on my close friends. and is very angry and will be meeting us at the police station shortly.” Oh god. Aizawa is going to pass out, he really is he has half a mind to swerve sharply and murder them all just to have some peace and quiet. Maybe he’ll get reincarnated as a rock in his next life. Or as a jellyfish. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? It would be very nice.
“HITOSHI WHY WOULD YOU TELL KACCHAN NOW MORE BUILDINGS ARE GOING TO BE BLOWN UP HITOSHI KACCHAN’S GOING TO BE SO MAD HITOSHI WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS” Izuku wails, probably alerting the entire road of what a scam Aizawa’s lovely little family is. He loves his life. Live laugh love.
“Hit..me…up…if you want Izuku’s court date heart emoji hashtag worst vigilante hashtag loser” Hitoshi mumbles, typing quickly. Izuku screeches.
“Izuku, Momo wants to know what kind of tea and pasties you’d like because I think everyone’s going to be at the police station now? Maybe?”
“Tell her to surprise me I don’t want to make any decisions I am wallowing in, self-despair and tell Tokoyami I say hi.”
“Okay, will do, um Shouto says that you’re a girlboss.”
“Tell him I love him and that he should visit me in jail.”
“Okay will do.”
There’s silence for about thirty seconds before they start up again because of course Hitoshi has all of Class 1-A on his close friend because his class just had to go and develop strong bonds or whatever. This is literally horrifying. Horrifying .
Aizawa pushes back the urge to slam his head on the driving wheel for the tenth time in the past fifteen minutes. Is that a world record? It should be.
And then they pull up to the police station, where there is, in fact, the entirety of Class 1-A crowding around the building surrounding two frantic police officers who look like they’ve had enough of this. Aizawa spiritually relates.
Hitoshi hops out of the van, phone held high up as he continues to record. He even has the audacity to hop towards Aizawa and shove the camera in his face, telling him to “give his thoughts on this situation.”
Aizawa stares blankly at the phone and politely tells Hitoshi’s close friends story that he’s going to either kill himself or move to Sweden with Eri.
“What about me and Hizashi?” Hitoshi protests, helping Izuku out of the car, who is immediately run over by an enraged Bakugou Katsuki. (“YOU FUCKER YOU TOLD ME LAST MONTH YOU WOULDN’T GET INTO ANY TROUBLE AND NOW LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE AT THE POLICE STATION AGAIN WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU LISTEN STUPID LITTLE SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?”).
Aizawa gives a strained smile. “You and Hizashi cause me chaos and trouble and Eri is a sweet angel who is too young to do anything disruptive on purpose. Didn’t you know? Being a single dad is the trend nowadays.” Of course, he would never abandon any of them, but they don’t need to know that.
Hitoshi just rolls his eyes and goes off to join in bombarding Izuku and the police station as if this is some kind of cause of celebration.
He hates it here, he swears. (He doesn’t).
Izuku manages to get out of any severe punishment, partly because he didn’t actually do much wrong and partly because he causes so much havoc at the prisons that they’re sick of him. Young people are so lucky these days.