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I wish I could say it was a difficult decision to make, but that’s not the truth. Not really.
The idea that I could create life without destroying it first? That I could bring something to life without being the cause of an entire planet’s death? I wouldn’t know how to adequately describe the fluttering warmth it brought to my core.
The closest thing to creating life (in a way that didn’t weigh down on my form) was the fact I could heal now.
I could heal pain... I even healed something beyond pain once.
One of my lion’s was the first, and last, organic creature I had ever healed like that. He was gone, he had no heartbeat- yet I was able to bring life back to him.
Part of me felt like I should have been happy I was able to save him, but I pushed it down as the guilt took over. The guilt I was supposed to feel, the guilt I deserved.
They followed me and seemed happy wherever I went, how was I supposed to know they would follow me into danger?
A Gem was in the sand- its power warped, took over the granules and would build. A sandcastle.
I found it with the wonderful little explorer human, but I didn’t know it was a Gem. Earth has so many natural wonders, I could only assume this was another one.
I just wanted to check it out after he had left… but it didn’t like my presence. It started building itself outside its borders, the ground wasn’t safe anymore... one of the lion’s got hurt pushing me out of the way of a pillar.
And then the castle was gone, and I never found it again.
I felt so bad, it was my fault.
I held onto him, buried my face into his mane and cried. I cried so hard my form felt numb; felt like I was sinking into the creature.
A noise filled my ears and when I opened my eyes I was elsewhere. Everything around me was pink, even the grass. It looked peaceful, gentle, there was a cool breeze… but I could still feel the hot sand under my legs.
The noise filled my ears once more when I pulled my head back. The lion in my arms licked my face as if nothing happened.
His colour had changed to somewhat mimic my own, and the other lions didn’t like that. They ran off. I never saw them again.
I stayed with him in the sand. He still seemed content around me…
No one could find out about him.
I took him to the only place I knew was hidden from everyone- the legs. I kept a growing collection of things I wanted to keep hidden or safe. It would be unfair of me to ask Pearl to store my belongings for me, so I kept them here. He would protect it.
I hated going here. I didn’t have to look at the bubble for the guilt to creep into my gem. Before I knew what I was doing, I shoved Bismuth’s bubbled gem into Lion. No one would find her there.
What was it the humans say?
Out of sight, out of mind.
I don’t think that works for me the way it’s supposed to.
I suppose it was a good thing I never told the others about the lions- a human told me they were called a Pride.
Imagine that.
How fantastic would it be to be part of something where a group of creations like you were named after such a wonderful feeling.
Pride...
I’m quite proud of the others. They have changed so much since the war. They’ve developed their own personalities. Their own likes. Dislikes.
Oh but I’m getting off topic... I do that so often.
I could ramble on forever and never say anything real...
It was an easier decision to make than I wanted to admit- than I ever admitted.
Oh, before Greg had come into my life I had promised myself I wouldn’t play with the humans anymore. It wasn’t fair I treated them like a short game when they were using a large part of their existence on me.
But Greg was just so... different. I don’t know how to describe it. He’s truly wonderful.
It was because of the others that I wished I struggled more with deciding to give up my physical form. I felt sorry that the idea of me leaving had caused so much pain, but they never would have felt such a way without my presence in the first place.
My presence brought on a threat to this planet, then a war and centuries of pain-
Hopefully after time my absence will bring peace. The real kind of peace, the peace that comes with complete freedom. The freedom from me...
I wasn’t in pain when I gave up my gem. Childbirth was painful for the humans, but my form wasn’t like theirs. Their bodies were real, but the only thing of me that’s real is my gem, and even that is a lie.
Now my gem will be real for our child. It will be theirs.
It won’t be “Pink Diamond’s” or “Rose Quartz’s”... it’ll be Nora’s or Steven’s.
...
It comes in bursts.
I’m not always conscious of it.
It’s like the old me is numb and can only sometimes come through, but even when I’m here I can’t fully control the actions of my new body.
No, not my body. It’s not to be claimed as my own. I inhabit it, it was shared with me, but it doesn’t belong to me.
That poor Lion.
I guess healing him meant a part of me would always be part of him. I guess that’s how it works, the way you impact those around you might always be part of them, whether you did good or bad.
With my Gem no longer belonging to me I suppose my life force, my invisible light, sought out the most ‘me’ thing it could find.
My mind isn’t compatible for organic life…
But sometimes I can watch.
For years all I did was protect the Gem in the sand.
I think that was my doing. My guilt seeping into Lion’s subconscious. Trying to make sure no other creatures met the same fate as he did.
Over the years the Gem’s creations stopped being as structurally sound. The pillars that once held up roofs were created and fell just as fast. There was no direction, no plan, it was just doing random things.
That sounds familiar.
Until one day something peaked Lion’s attention.
A human child hiding behind a pillar the Gem in the sand made.
Odd for them to be left unaccompanied; human parents were always searching for their children, or finding others to look after them.
Children can’t look after themselves, they’re not meant to be left to their own accord.
That’s something I know.
It wasn’t until he lifted his shirt above his head and I saw a flash of pink.
My gem... no, not mine anymore.
Steven…
My flash of recognition and Lion crept towards him.
I was gone again for some while after that, but when I came back Lion seemed to stay around the temple.
The temple.
It was beyond recognition in some parts. Steven lived here. They had built him a home within obsidian’s hands, that’s so sweet of them.
Where’s Greg? Strange I haven’t seen him yet. I wonder where his room is.
Amethyst and Steven seem to be getting along so well, I’m so happy for the both of them.
To hear her say “Sometimes I wonder if she can see me though your eyes. What would she think of me now?”
Oh My Pearl, I do see you through the eyes of another. But not him.
Not him.
I’m gone in any way that matters.
But I think well of you, I always will.
Her songs; they tell me she’ll always love me, but she’s starting to move on. Slowly, but surely.
The more I see Pearl happy without me, the more I love her, I’m glad she doesn’t know.
Pearl is doing so much better without me. She is finding others to love, humans to build friendships with- even building a friendship with Greg!
To see Pearl and Greg get along...
I wanted to be wilfully ignorant of her discontent with him, but I hoped if I ignored their ongoing feud that it would go away. Their problem with each other was through me, their friendship wouldn’t have developed when I was around to fuel the rivalry between them.
I’m gone again.
Everyone knows...
Era 3. I never thought such a time would exist. Humans and Gems working in harmony. The Diamonds letting go of their control, allowing and encouraging Gems to find and express themselves.
Spinel? Even when I’m gone and everything is okay, I still find a way ruin lives. I left you behind for selfish reasons- I saw myself within you- but I wear I was going to go back for you after the war, just as I wanted to go back and save the Humans from the Zoo.
Things not working out the way I thought they would is no excuse.
The other Diamonds will be kinder to you than they were to me, than I was to you.
They’re doing so well… their pain by my absence is minimal in comparison to the lingering pain that presence had brought. Just like I said it would be.
Pearl: You miss me, of course you do, but you’re doing so much better now. Just look at you go.
Garnet: I’m sorry my absence forced the leadership onto you. I can see how much you’ve struggled, but you’re doing a wonderful job, I promise.
Ruby and Sapphire, my words were never meant to force you. Your relationship was always beautiful, but it has bloomed so much more.
Amethyst: The way you’ve grown into yourself? The way you’ve found yourself? It’s so admirable. I’m beyond proud.
Steven: ...you’re so wonderful. Look at what you’ve done for everyone... but to see the pain you’re in, to see the pain you have because of me? If I could be alive, it would kill me.
Steven, you’re no monster. It’s all my fault, it has always been my fault. I never thought you would inherit my powers. You always use them for good, but they were too much even for me to handle. I’m sorry.
I hope your travels go well.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m an itch at the back of Lion’s brain, or if he doesn’t realise I’m here at all. I hope he doesn’t know.
The further away from Steven’s gem Lion is, the less I exist.
I’m okay with that.