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They’re in the car, chauffeur driving them back from the summit meeting at Chiantishire where it had felt like they lost everything.
It was late, 3:36 am, and Roman couldn’t sleep. His thoughts were bouncing around like kids hyped-up on too much sugar in his brain.
Dad fucked us. Mom fucked us. Tom fucked us.
Dad sold the company. He sold out futures. My future.
Kendall killed someone.
My brother killed someone.
I –
I'm all apart
I'm blown into a million pieces
Their dad had sold their future; Roman was hollow — after everything he had gone through to get to this place and he had nothing, save for his siblings: Kendall and Shiv, Conner too even, but he didn’t really trust Connor right now. If ever his half brother became the fucking president, they really were all screwed.
He turned his head to look at Kendall, who had headphones in and was rhythmically bobbing his head to the beat only he could hear, his lips mouthing along to the lyrics of whatever trash he liked to listen to and then at Shiv who had fallen asleep with her head against the window. He wished he could sleep. His foot tapped nervously and he couldn’t keep his hands still, so he played absently with the door lock. Eventually, he reached over and tapped Kendall’s knee to get his attention.
His brother pulled his headphone down around his neck, “Yeah, Rome?” he asked curtly. Brief and to the point, as always.
Roman squeezed his hands into fists, fingernails digging softly into the soft skin of his palms.
“I just wanted to say something,” he said cautiously, chewing on his lip. His words were slow, measured. “About the boy, the waiter from Shiv's wedding, I know how you must be feeling,” he admitted, not quite able to look Kendall in the eye, unsure of what exactly he wanted to say next.
“You know? What is that supposed to mean? Roman, what are you talking about?” Kendall raised an eyebrow and looked at him quizzically, concern for his brother coloring his features just under the surface.
Roman looked away, staring out the window at the empty road. He wasn’t ready to know his brother’s reaction. He leaned his head into his hands and one finger started to twist a piece of hair around it, pulling at it and distracting him.
“I just— remember that international deal I did that turned into a coup?”
Kendall nodded. There was a long stretch of silence before he remembered Roman wasn’t looking at him. “I remember,” He said out loud, the words feeling like they echoed in the quiet darkness. The only sounds were their voices and the gravel crunching outside under the car tires.
“There was a kid there, a teenager — he got shot point blank in the skull five feet away from me because they wanted information from me,” he explained. “I didn’t kill him, but I didn’t stop them either. He died because of me.”
Kendall was shocked. Everything he wanted to say to his younger brother didn’t sound like enough. He opened his mouth to speak 3 or 4 times before something came out. “There wasn’t anything you could have done for him,” he tried to tell Roman, “It wasn’t your fault.” The sentiment had been said to him hours earlier when he had confessed his own crimes.
“I mean maybe, but it doesn’t mean I sleep any better,” he laughed half-heartedly at his own words. “I didn’t even know his name, but his face… that haunts me every night,” he sighed.
Kendall touched his brother’s knee in comforting gesture. “I’m sorry,” he said, not having any other words. Roman covered his brother’s hand with his own, needing the connection desperately.
“Me too,” Roman nodded, finally able to look at his brother. “I just wanted you to know you weren’t alone.”
Kendall smiled, “Thanks, killer.” It was a bad joke, but Roman appreciated it.
“You too,” he said, exhaling slightly through his nose. “We can get through our murder pain together now, I suppose,” Roman offered, rolling his eyes.
They laughed and the heaviness lifted a little. The sky was lightening as the sun began to rise on a new day.
Shiv woke up and raised an eyebrow at them, “what are you chuckleheads giggling at?” She inquired.
They both shook their heads, she didn’t need to know. Not now. This was just for them.
“Yeah, okay. Whatever,” she glowered and rolled her eyes, curling back up in her seat. “I’m going back to sleep. Wake me when we get there,” she said, flipping them off before closing her eyes.
They laughed again, sharing a glance between them. “We should sleep too,” Kendall told Roman, encouraging him and letting him know without saying it that it was okay and he would be safe. That’s what big brothers were for, after all.
“Yeah, we should,” Roman agreed. “Good night, Little Lord Fuckleroy,” he said to his brother, leaning back against the leather car seats and for the first time In a long time, he closed his eyes and slept.
...
A week went by without Roman or Kendall mentioning their buried secrets, but then Roman had a nightmare. Waking up in a cold sweat, the echo of a scream that must have woken him. He laid in bed, wide-eyed and panicked, unable to go back to sleep.
He reached over to grab his phone from the nightstand and opened his messages with Kendall. He was the only one Roman had told about what happened because no one else would understand.
Roman
You awake, cocksucker?
Kendall
I am now. ???
Roman
I had a nightmare
Kendall stopped breathing. He knew this was inevitable and that Roman needed him, but the Roy family never dealt with their trauma. They didn’t know how to, but Roman and him had shared something and now they could try to build on it.
Kendall
Should I come over?
Roman
No
Kendall
R U Sure?
Roman
No
Kendall
I’m coming over
Roman put his phone down, screen side down and blinked wishing he knew what to do about his nightmares. Telling Kendall had seemed to help, but it wasn’t enough and now he was coming over to check on Roman and the foul-mouthed boy had no answers.
The driver pulled up with Kendall less than 10 minutes later.
“Talk to me,” he told Roman. “It’ll help you process, so I’ve read.”
“And where did you read that? Web MD?” Roman scoffed, making a face at Kendall.
“The Journal of Psychological Medicine. Now come on, let’s talk,” Kendall urged. “You’re not the only one here with deep man pain.”
Roman tilted his head and eyed his brother warily before scratching his head. “What am I supposed to say? I saw something bad and now I feel bad,” he tried, fidgeting with his hands and tugging at a worn spot on his pants.
“That’s a start. It’s something. Look, Roman, I really want to help you through this. I need to — not just for you, but for me,” Kendall explained. “Killing that waiter; I took away someone’s son, tore their family apart and I have a chance to put my own back together again. I can try to save my little brother when I couldn’t save a stranger…or myself.”
Roman’s lip twitched at the corner, “I don’t need saving,” he said pretentiously, rolling his eyes, “but I am glad that I can share this with you. It was practically eating me alive.”
“Me too,” Kendall agreed and smiled at his brother. “You want to tell me about the nightmare?” He asked.
“I — ,” Roman started and his throat closed. He closed his eyes and could hear the machine gun fire, could see the body crumple and fall back, a fine mist of blood spraying out. The guy hadn’t had time to scream, so there was just the hollow thud of his corpse making impact with the ground.
Roman had stared in horror, flecks of blood on his face and clothes. He had gone into immediate shock. “It’s like an instant replay. Guys in masks with machine guns yelling in a foreign language and just gunning down this kid who tried to run. He was only a few feet from me, his blood was on me. I didn’t speak after that and eventually they left and I got to come home,” He told Kendall, voice quiet and haunted.
When he opened his eyes, his brother was in front of him, concern etched across his face. Without a second thought, Kendall hugged Roman tightly and the younger brother melted into it, holding onto his brother as he started to cry. His whole body wracked with emotion.
“This is good, Roman. Let it out, you’re gonna be okay,” Kendall soothed him. “I’m here for you.”
Roman hiccoughed a big breath and finally pulled away from Kendall, “Thanks, Bro. I needed that, but like don’t tell anyone,” he admitted, sniffling and wiping his nose with his sleeve.
“You got it,” Kendall agreed and mussed Roman’s already messy hair. "We both needed it.”