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Buck watched as Eddie walked up to the airport door, rolling his suitcase next to him in one hand and holding his son’s hand in the other. He felt something was wrong, but he didn’t say anything as Eddie turned to him to say goodbye.
“Everything okay, Buck?” Eddie said when he saw the look on Buck’s face.
“Yeah, everything is fine,” Buck replied.
He lied. Everything was not fine.
“You sure?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah,” Buck hesitated. “I just- I don’t want you to go.”
Eddie’s eyes widened as everything clicked for him. “Hey, I’m nothing like Abby. I’ll be back.”
Buck pulled him into a hug. “Do- Do you mean it?”
Eddie hugged him tightly. “Of course I do. I’ll come back for you, Evan.”
-
Three days ago. The day everything changed.
Buck knew it was a bad idea. He knew something was going to go wrong. He felt it in his gut.
But he trusted Eddie. He trusted Eddie’s judgment, so he didn’t say anything, and now he was going to regret it for the rest of his life.
They were all at work when they got the call. The call Buck never wanted to receive.
The call that a plane incoming to Los Angeles crashed.
Bobby assured him not to worry. But of course Buck worried, because Eddie was possibly on the plane.
And he was right.
When the few survivors were pulled out of the plane, including Christopher, Eddie wasn’t seen among them. That’s when Buck knew.
When Christopher started crying and wouldn’t let go of him, that’s when Buck knew.
But he still put Christopher in Bobby’s arms and ran into the destroyed plane. He didn’t want to see what he thought he was going to see.
But he did.
He saw the body of Eddie Diaz.
-
Everything after that was a blur.
The few things Buck remembered was Hen and Ravi pulling him away from the body, refusing to let him go as they tried their best to comfort him while also comforting themselves. He remembered Christopher giving him a huge hug and not letting go. He remembered Bobby hiding his own tears in order to make sure Buck was okay.
He didn’t remember much of anything else.
He barely remembered the funeral. He barely remembered Christopher moving into his apartment. He barely remembered Taylor doing a special report in remembrance of Eddie. He barely remembered every day of work he forced himself to go to in order to stay busy.
After all, why did it matter? Eddie was gone, and there was nothing he could do about it.
He never even got to tell him he loved him.
It was his biggest secret, his love for Eddie. He was happy and in love with Taylor, but there was something about Eddie that made Buck’s head spin whenever he thought about him.
The only way he could describe it was love.
But it was too late. Eddie was gone, and now Buck had to figure out his new life without him.
-
Even after three months, it didn’t get easier.
Buck found it harder to go to work everyday knowing Eddie wouldn’t be there, to the point where he took multiple days off and did nothing except lay in bed. He struggled to take care of himself. He spent all his time taking care of Christopher instead, knowing that is what Eddie would’ve wanted.
Eddie wanted to come back.
One day, on another one of his days off, Buck sat on the couch while Christopher was doing homework.
“Buck?”
Out of nowhere, Christopher looked up at Buck.
Buck looked back at him. “What’s up, Chris? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s okay,” Christopher said. “I have something to show you.”
“Okay,” Buck replied. “What is it?”
“Let me go get it.”
Christopher got up and walked to the box of his dad’s things he took with him when he moved out. He dug through the box until he found what he was looking for and walked back to Buck, handing him-
“An envelope?” Buck asked.
Christopher nodded.
Buck flipped it over to the back to read it and instantly felt sick to his stomach.
Chris, give this to Buck if anything happens to me - Dad
Buck looked over at Christopher, who simply looked down at the floor and said, “I- I was supposed to give it to you when I moved in, but I thought it would upset you more.”
“It’s okay,” Buck assured him. “Let’s see what your dad wanted to tell me.”
He carefully opened the envelope to find a tiny paper airplane folded inside and a letter.
He took the letter out first.
-
Dear Buck,
I don’t have a lot of experience with letters, and I don’t even know if this will ever get to you, but I decided to write this anyway because there’s something I need to get off my chest before the plane flight tomorrow.
I love you.
I’m in love with you.
Since the day we first met you haven’t left my mind. When we had our first mission together, I had butterflies in my stomach. Not just because we could’ve died, but because you were the one helping me.
I fell in love with you not long after that.
I want to be your boyfriend. I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you every night. I want to cuddle with you. I want to kiss you. Most of all, I want to tell people you’re mine.
But I know we can’t.
You’re happy with Taylor. And I’m not out yet.
You don’t even know I’m gay as I’m writing this.
But I want to tell you. When I get back from my flight, I want to tell you.
I hope you didn’t have to find out through this letter. I hope you never have to find out about this letter’s existence.
But either way, I love you Evan Buckley.
I’ll see you soon. Enjoy the paper airplane.
- Eddie
-
Buck could barely finish the letter.
His eyesight was blurred with tears and his hands were shaking as he picked up the tiny paper airplane Eddie delicately folded up and put inside the envelope.
He missed him. He missed him so much.
“Buck?” Christopher whispered. “Are you okay?”
Buck didn’t say anything. He simply pulled Christopher into a hug.
-
Dear Eddie,
Buck stared at the words he wrote at the top of the page. He didn’t know why he was replying to Eddie’s letter. He was dead.
But he knew it was something he needed to do. He needed closure.
So he flipped to a new page and continued writing.
-
Dear Eddie,
It’s been three months since you died.
The team and I miss you. I miss you so much. The letter you left me, the one you wrote for a “just in case” scenario, I finally read today.
Which is why I need to get something off my chest.
I love you too.
Yes, I’m happy with Taylor. I love her, but I don’t think I could ever love her or anyone else as much as I love you.
I love you so much.
I just wish I told you while you were still alive. And I wish you told me while you were still alive, in person and not through a letter.
Now we’ll never get that chance. We’ll never know what could’ve happened.
But regardless, I love you Edmundo Diaz. I promise I will take care of Chris for you.
I’ll see you again.
- Buck