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29 days, 4 hours and 13 minutes. That's how long Cho Sang-Woo had been married to Seong Gi-Hun.
31 days, 5 hours and 35 minutes. That's how long it had been since Cho Sang-Woo had last harmed himself to cope with the depression inside of him. He had been diagnosed with clinical depression as a teenager, taking all the medication that he could but never finding one that helped. Sang-Woo still took medication every day because the doctors were insistent that he do it even though it never made a difference.
He had made a promise to Gi-Hun when they got engaged that he'd try his best to get clean, try his best to find healthier coping mechanisms and deal with the pressures of life a bit better. So far, Sang-Woo had managed a month and his husband was extremely proud of him for that achievement. Gi-Hun had showered him in praise last night, pressing gentle kisses all over Sang-Woo's body while taking things nice and slow. They made love with Gi-Hun on top telling Sang-Woo how amazing he was, how proud he was to be his husband.
Sang-Woo had felt amazing until he woke up this morning.
As soon as he opened his eyes, Sang-Woo knew it was going to be a bad day.
He texted his boss to say he was sick and wouldn't be coming in and then he texted his mother to say that he and Gi-Hun wouldn't be coming over for dinner tonight. Cancelling plans was always the first stage, it was the first sign that Sang-Woo was having a bad mental health day and Gi-Hun had learned to spot it quickly. Only, Gi-Hun wasn't at home right now. He had gone over to his mother's to take her to an appointment at the hospital and wouldn’t be back until the afternoon.
That meant that there was nobody there to force Sang-Woo up and out of bed. Nobody to make him shave and get dressed. So instead of doing any of those things, he just rolled over and went back to sleep. Sleeping was good. When he was asleep he could ignore the itch on his wrists and the dark thoughts that swirled through his mind like a disease that existed purely to drag him down and make him miserable but as soon as he opened his eyes again those thoughts were back.
You're worthless. You don't have any friends. Gi-Hun is only with you because he feels sorry for you. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve to be happy at all. Not ever. Hurt yourself then you'll feel better. Gi-Hun would be better off if you just died. Everyone would be happier if you weren't here Sang-Woo. Why don't you just kill-
"Sang-Woo-Yah…? Oh Jagiya , are you having a bad day? It's okay I'm here now."
Gi-Hun . Gi-Hun had come back to save him. Gi-Hun always came and rescued him from his darkest thoughts.
Sang-Woo felt gentle fingers run through his hair, a soothing feeling that helped him to ground himself back to reality long enough to peer out from underneath the covers and look up at his hero. Gi-Hun smiled softly when he saw his husband's mess of hair and dark eyes peering over the edge of the blankets. "Hey...there you are. It's okay."
It was amazing how quickly Gi-Hun's voice could soothe Sang-Woo into a much more calm mental state. He still felt a deep empty feeling in his chest and an overwhelming exhaustion that made it hard to stay focused, but Gi-Hun's voice and gentle touch immediately chased away all the bad thoughts.
"Come on, sit up and get changed into some clean clothes. I'll go get some ramen. If you eat it all then I'll get you ice cream." Gi-Hun said, trailing his fingers through Sang-Woo's hair one last time before standing up and making his way towards the kitchen. Gi-Hun knew that on days like this, Sang-Woo would have no appetite and would usually go all day without eating or drinking. He'd learned early on in their relationship that bribing Sang-Woo with the promise of something sweet usually worked to make him eat one hot meal.
Sang-Woo dragged himself out of the bed and changed into clean boxer shorts, a pair of grey sweatpants and an old but comfortable SNU hoodie. Then he crawled back into bed and curled up on his side. He closed his eyes and listened to Gi-Hun moving around in the kitchen. Sang-Woo was so lucky to have Gi-Hun, he was so glad that the older man had married him.
He married you because he feels sorry for you. You don't deserve him. You're just worthless trash and Gi-Hun is like shining gold, you're nothing compared to him. You should just-
"Sang-Woo-Yah, I made your favourite!" Gi-Hun chirped as he came back with two cup noodles in his hands. Shin Ramyun. Sang-Woo loved those spicy noodles which was something that Gi-Hun found amazing as they were far too spicy for him. Gi-Hun always made his own with only half of the spice packet and a dousing of soy sauce.
The smell of the food caused Sang-Woo's stomach to grumble and he pushed himself up into a sitting position with a heavy sigh. Each movement felt exhausting. It was like his limbs were weighted down with bricks that he had to fight against just to sit up. Gi-hun smiled at him softly and placed the noodles down on the nightstand before climbing over Sang-Woo in a very ungraceful manner and settling on the bed beside his husband.
"You got changed. Good. I'm proud of you."
Gi-Hun switched on the TV and the two ate in a comfortable silence. Sang-Woo slowly made himself eat half of the noodle cup before setting it down on the nightstand. He shuffled around in the bed until he was curled up with his head resting on Gi-Hun's lap and he closed his eyes again. Gi-Hun's fingers played with the slight curl of hair against the nape of Sang-Woo's neck with a caring gentleness and a soft smile.
"You need a haircut Sang-Woo-Yah, it's getting long."
Sang-Woo made no effort to respond. He kept his eyes closed and focused completely on the feeling of the fingers in his hair, the way he could feel Gi-Hun's stomach rising and falling behind his head with each breath, just the little things that helped him stay grounded.
At first, Sang-Woo's silence had unsettled Gi-Hun. When they first reunited after so many years apart, it had felt like Sang-Woo was a complete stranger to him but over time he'd managed to break down the unforgiving walls his friend had built around himself and carefully coax out the Sang-Woo that he had fallen for. Over time, he'd gotten used to Sang-Woo's bad days. He'd gotten used to the ways that he would retract inside of himself like a turtle afraid of the scorching sun. Gi-Hun was the only one who knew how to coax Sang-Woo back out of that hard shell.
Sang-Woo idly scratched over his wrist, over skin that Gi-Hun knew was marred with self inflicted scars. The first time Gi-Hun had seen the criss-cross of lines on his then boyfriend's arms, he'd cried and apologised to Sang-Woo over and over. Each time he noticed a fresh line on Sang-Woo's skin, a deep ache would settle in Gi-Hun's chest and he promised himself to try harder. That's why he'd been so proud of his husband last night. A whole month without falling back into old habits was certainly a reason to celebrate.
" Jagiya ... want to play some games? Or watch one of those dramatic romance shows you like?" Gi-Hun tried to engage his despondent partner but he had no luck. Sang-Woo was too far gone to respond to him. Gi-Hun knew he just had to give Sang-Woo some time to come back to him. He just had to make himself a safe space for his partner.
"Fine, I'll play some Mario Kart and beat all your records."
Gi-Hun switched on the Nintendo console and reached for the controller, starting up the game and diving straight into trying to beat Sang-Woo's personal records. He pulled out all the stops, teasing, laughing, even asking Sang-Woo for tips each time he lost but the younger man still wouldn't answer him. A whole hour of Mario Kart passed by and still not a single word slipped out of Sang-Woo's mouth. Gi-Hun would have assumed he had fallen asleep if not for the fact that his eyes were open and he was watching the screen intently.
It didn't take too long for Gi-Hun to get bored of video games and switch off the console. He moved to stand up and felt arms tightly gripping around his waist, accompanied by a soft whine. He looked down to see Sang-Woo gripping onto him. "Sang-Woo-Yah…" He sighed a little and sat back down. Sang-Woo nuzzled against his side and rested his head on Gi-Hun's lap, all but telling the older man that he wasn't allowed to go anywhere.
Some time passed and the sun was beginning to set outside the window, the pair had settled into a comfortable silence with a quiz show playing on the TV. Usually, Sang-Woo would be shouting at the TV and getting all the answers right but tonight it was Gi-Hun who was attempting to answer the questions on the screen.
"What is the capital of America? That's so easy it's L.A." Gi-Hun said, voice full of confidence as the person on the show answered with New York.
" Hyung , it's Washington. You idiot."
Gi-Hun jumped in surprise at the rough voice coming from the man in his lap, an undignified yelp passing his lips as he looked down at Sang-Woo with wide eyes.
Sang-Woo was gazing up at him with a small smirk on his lips and his eyes were focused. His Sang-Woo had finally come back to him. " Jagiya !" Gi-Hun leaned down to press a firm kiss against Sang-Woo's lips, a kiss that the younger man gladly accepted. When he pulled back for air, Gi-hun swatted Sang-Woo's shoulders and narrowed his eyes. "I am not an idiot! Respect your elders!"
A smile crossed Sang-Woo's lips and Gi-Hun felt his heart swell. He'd been missing that smile all day and now he had finally succeeded in putting it back on his husband's lips.
Sang-Woo rolled his eyes and focused his attention back on the TV screen. "Whatever, you promised me ice cream. Still waiting."
Yup. His Sang-Woo was back.