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“What if-”
“I told you you have to stop”
“This is the last time. I promise.”
“I don’t get why you do this”
“…What if we break up?”
The last time she asked me “what if”, this was her question.
Although that wasn’t the last “what if” in our relationship.
It was the final mention of those words that later broke me into a million pieces I can never pick up.
Not without her.
The truth is I didn’t want to remember it, because this last time gave me a sense of hope that broke me into pieces the day she left. Pieces scattered so much that I’ve never bothered to pick them up, I just left them shattered and broken then walked over them.
I bled, and moved on. The wounds never healed.
You’d think it was a tragic memory, since I tried so hard to forget it. On the contrary, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Day 1724
In the middle of the park on a warm Saturday in spring, the bickering couple make an intriguing sight. A tall, slim man covered with a blindfold over his eyes, being dragged across the park by his more petite, determined girlfriend.
“Just keep your eyes closed for a few more minutes!”
“You said that 20 minutes ago!”
“Fine, Ung. Open your eyes and ruin the surprise, see if I care”. The woman pouts, letting go of her boyfriend’s arm and crossing them instead.
“I know you think you’re making a point, Yeonsu-ah, but if you don’t want me to take off this blindfold you better grab onto me again and drag me to wherever we’re going.” Ung smirks in what he assumed was her general direction.
“I didn’t drag you!” she whines.
“Tell that to the red marks your fingers left on my arm.”
If Choi Ung could see, he’s sure Yeonsu would be standing there huffing, debating whether to give in or leave him stranded there (where are they exactly?) while she catches the bus back home. She even made him listen to loud music on the bus so he wouldn’t hear their stop and ruin the surprise.
Beauty and brains. She’d definitely be the first person he’d call to get away with murder.
Choi Ung’s thoughts are interrupted when a soft hand slips into his and gently pulls him along. He’d follow her anywhere really, he thinks as a small smile plays on his lips.
After what seemed like ages, they finally arrive.
“You know, this had better be worth waking me up and dragging me out of my house at 8am on a Saturday. No one in the world is awake at that time but you.” Ung complains, trying to figure out where he was using his other senses. He could at least silently admit that it smells lovely.
Yeonsu rolls her eyes. “Take off your blindfold and see for yourself, we’re here.”
“Finally!” Wasting no time, he lets go of her hand to rip off the blindfold from his eyes, curiosity getting the better of him so much that he forgot to hide his excitement. She chuckles at the sudden loss of her chronically indifferent boyfriend, before turning to spread her arms out and present the view.
“Surprise!”
The first thing Ung sees is the sun, the bright light in the morning nearly blinding. He blinks a few times to readjust his vision and then suddenly all he can see is pink. Small petals float in the air around them, so many cherry blossoms surrounding him that they seem to be falling from the sky, encircling them both in a vision Ung forgot he once craved so much to see.
“What do you think?” Yeonsu asks, excited to see his reaction. She never forgot how deflated he looked all those years ago when she told him she was too busy to go see the cherry blossoms. Eventually he stopped asking, but she never forgot how much he wanted to go with her. This year she finally took the morning off work on a day he was free to go. All that was left was getting him out of the house so early on a weekend. But it was worth it, she smiles, happy to see him look so young and child-like, her heart free of the dark thoughts that tend to nip away.
Ung’s mesmerized, it’s better than he remembers it being when he was little and carefree. As he turns to take in the scenery around him, his eyes land on the most beautiful piece, Yeonsu. Her small frame stood almost bouncing in front of him, taking in his reactions, her eyes crinkling into shiny half-moons, her cheeks slightly tinged a light pink that complimented the blossoms catching in her hair.
His eyes met hers.
“Beautiful.”
Before her blush could even flood her cheeks, Ung is moving towards her, his eyes looking down at her and rooting her in her spot. Yeonsu opens her mouth to respond, but it was like his proximity alone took away her words.
Choi Ung isn’t one for words or affirmations, but god is he a man of action. One look and her thoughts would melt away like fire on ice. He’s the only man who can make everything wrong in her life disappear. Like right now.
She feels rather than sees his large hand slowly lift to cup her face, warmth seeping through them. Her eyes flutter closed as she subconsciously reaches to close the distance, feeling him seek her lips with his. After all these years, the fireworks have never stopped. Their lips dance with the cherry blossoms cascading around them. Soft, yet urgent as Ung tries to convey all his emotions into one kiss.
Ung is truly a man of action. A man of few words.
As they slowly pull apart, Yeonsu nestles her head under his chin, hiding her face against his chest out of embarrassment once she remembered they’re still outside.
“How did you remember?” He asks softly, his fingers playing with the petals in her hair as he takes in the view around them.
“You’re forgetting you’re dating the top student back in high school” she retorts, earning a chuckle from him.
He laughs, “No really”
She listens to his heartbeat and lets a moment pass. She leans back slowly, taking in his sincere expression. This is one of his rare moments of vulnerability.
“I never really forgot,” she responds softly. “I’ve been planning to surprise you like this for a long time, after seeing how upset you were that day. The years just slipped away. I’m sorry.” She hopes he can feel her sincerity.
He stares at her for what felt like years, so many emotions playing across his face in that one moment that she almost couldn’t read them. Finally, he spoke.
“What if...”
She can’t help but giggle. “Now you’re playing this game?”
But as she searches her long-term boyfriend’s face for a hint of his usual mischief, she can only find an emotion she remembers clearly from that night at the bus stop. The night she first told him she loved him.
It’s a look that makes her heart flutter.
“What if we get married one day?”
All she could do was stare.
It’s funny how a man of few words can make time stand still. For years he said that was the effect she had on him, and now she finally understood what he meant.
If Ung could count the seconds it took for Yeonsu to respond, he’d imagine it’d be a lifetime. Her eyes were soft and wide, unaware her mouth is slightly parted in surprise. Unaware he was holding his breath waiting for her next words.
How can her hold on him never waver after all these years?
His arms catch her body before his thoughts can catch up, and he looks down to find her fully wrapped in his embrace.
Her voice wavers slightly with her next words, her watery smile hidden from his view as she holds onto him.
“We will.”
And she believes, she lets herself believe it for this moment. That for this moment all her problems don’t exist, and it’s just her and him.
For this moment, she can have anything she wants in the world, and that is to keep him by her side permanently. She knows this moment can’t last forever, and she will have to face reality again soon.
But in that moment, Yeonsu lets herself believe that with Ung, everything will always be okay.
*
*
*
And to Ung, his most beautiful memory became the one he wished to forget. The last "what if" that lifted his hopes, only to break him beyond repair the day she left him. The one moment he will never talk about again.
Because he hates that after all the times she said it first, he was the last “what if”.