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Sometimes on dysphoric days, Tommy thinks of just coming out. Maybe it would be easier. But then he remembers that includes actually coming out, and ends up backing out.
Today is one of those days.
He woke up that morning by Wilbur screaming his deadname in his ear. Ella this and Ella that. It made him want to scream.
He went to change, avoiding to look at his body because it’s wrong! Wrong! Wrong wrong wrong.
He walked down to the kitchen, where Phil was standing, who greeted him with his deadname. Usually he would be able to live with it but today it made him want to sob.
He went back up to his room only to freeze at his mirror because it’s like he stole someone else’s body. His body is a traitor that he doesn’t know, it’s just not his.
So he sneaked down to the kitchen and got a coke from the fridge. He then sat down on the floor and started thinking. Thoughts are dangerous, he knows that.
But maybe if he just cut his tits off. Maybe his dysphoria will get better and maybe he will finally be happy and able to show everyone that he really is a boy.
And the physical pain would be more bearable than the mental. There’s nothing stopping him. Except from the reasonable part of his brain (that sounds a lot like Tubbo for some reason).
It’s a last minute decision when he gets up and gets a knife, he needs something bigger than a razor to do it.
His hands shake as he sits down carefully on the floor, the knife laid beside him. He took deep breaths, as to prepare himself for the pain that was about to come.
He knew it was a stupid decision but he didn’t care.
With shaking hands a deep breath he took the knife, he angled it and pressed.
It was harder than he thought, maybe he should’ve expected that, but he didn’t.
At first it was nothing, and then blinding pain. His vision turned red as the pain hit him. Tears were burning in his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall as he continued to press and press.
The knife was stained a crimson red from the blood and he couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, he sobbed and he sobbed. He hoped that the tears running down his cheeks would distract him from the pain, they didn’t.
“Ella!” There was someone outside his door. He didn’t answer, just continued to sob.
“Ella are you alright in there?” He couldn’t make out whose voice it was over the loud ringing in his ears. He saw nothing but painful white, felt nothing but red pain and heard nothing but the loud ringing.
“I’m gonna open the door,” the voice said, Tommy didn’t hear it.
Tommy didn’t hear when his brother entered his room. He didn’t hear his brother's reaction when he saw what Tommy was doing. He didn’t hear his brother scream for his father. He didn’t hear his father enter the room, annoyed. He didn’t see the fear of his father.
He felt the life leaving his body but he so desperately wanted to be flat and continued pressing the knife down. It can’t even have been far, but he was still bleeding a lot, too much. He saw his visions go from a white as pure as snow to a black as dark as the night and he passed out.
——
Tommy woke up to a loud beep, not the ringing he had in his ear before he passed out, no, a beep. He tried to open his eyes but his eyelids were too heavy. Beside him he heard muffled voices. He couldn’t make out much about them, except that they sounded tired.
He forced his eyes open only to close them as soon as he was met with a bright white room with even brighter lights.
“Holy fuck I think I saw them open their eyes!” The voice sounded like it was miles away. “Someone turn down the lights,” yeah, that sounded nice.
The light got darker and he tried to open his eyes again, the room was still white, but not as blinding with the lamp turned off.
“Are you there?” A voice asked, Tommy heard them clearer now, he also felt the weight of someone holding his hand.
He croaked out a small ‘yes’. Everyone around him seemed to instantly relax a bit, but they were still tense.
Tommy tried to blink to adjust to the light, he wanted to be able to see the people around him.
He could feel more now, the pain in his chest. It wasn’t as bad as when he did it but it still hurt, a lot.
He continued to blink until he saw more clearly, the person holding his hand was Wilbur, his eyes red and puffy from crying, he was clutching onto Tommy’s hand as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did.
Beside Wilbur, on a chair, sat Phil. He had a supportive hand on Wilbur’s shoulder and looked relieved as he looked at Tommy.
Ranboo and Tubbo were sat on the other side of the bed, Ranboo’s face was red and swollen from crying, the water allergic bastard. Tubbo wasn’t much better, except his face wasn’t blown up like a damn balloon.
In the corner, next to the light switch, stood Techno. His emotions weren’t as clear but he still looked relieved that Tommy was awake.
“Hey, do you wanna tell us if you have a different pronouns or name or something? We guessed a cis woman wouldn’t try to do that,” Wilbur waved his hand towards Tommy’s chest. Tommy felt a sob get stuck in his throat.
“Water?” He asked instead of answering, his voice felt like sandpaper. Techno was fast out the door and was soon back with a cup of water, he gave it to Tommy and went back to the corner.
Tommy chugged the water down fast. It felt incredibly refreshing for his throat and mouth.
“Tommy, he/him,” his throat still hurt a bit and his voice was hoarse but it was something.
“Alright, Tommy it is, are you fine with nicknames?” Wilbur asked carefully. Tommy nodded. “Alright Toms, we are all very proud of you for telling us, even if you gave us a heart attack while doing so,” Phil said, everyone agreed quietly.
“Sorry,” was all Tommy said and for some reason that had all the adults in the room crying.
Phil asked if it was ok to hug him, Tommy nodded carefully and everyone (even Techno and Tubbo who didn’t appreciate physical affection too much) joined the hug. They all still treated Tommy like he was about to break at any second, but be guessed that was fair enough.
——
The next month was spent in the hospital, apparently it takes a while to heal if you try to chop off your tits.
Tommy constantly joked about it, which wasn’t very appreciated by his family, his friends always laughed at it though.
Phil promised him that they could buy a binder when they got home, as long as he took care of it and binded safely. Tommy promised multiple times and Phil laughed but threatened to take it away for a time if he didn’t take care of it, which made Tommy promise even more times.
Wilbur had been showing extreme support, he did everything to help Tommy feel comfortable in his identity.
Tubbo and Ranboo had been visiting and acting like it was basically normal, it was nice, it made Tommy feel normal and not weird as his brain had been telling him.
Techno was the most quiet one, though he would always bring books about greek mythology and read them for Tommy. Tommy would make fun of him for being a nerd but secretly enjoy them, he would never say that out loud though.
When he finally got to go home, everything felt normal, except for the constant check-ins from his family and the pain that would sometimes hit him.
It was okay though, he was finally happy.
And though his problems weren’t fixed yet, there was still a long way left for that, he felt content. He finally felt like he was himself and it made him feel free in the way that birds are free when they fly.
He was allowed to be himself freely.