Work Text:
Hidden Lavender
“We need to talk ‘bout somethin’.”
Nicki Burke keeps her eyes anywhere but on Lincoln while pouring him a glass of moonshine. Years of friendship had been tempered by ‘recent events’, but the love and care was still there. There was just a void in the air between the two. Nicki’s as cool as ever, but Lincoln notices her hand shaking when he takes the drink for himself.
“Fine by me. What’s on your mind? Need a smoke?”
She smiles, shrugs. “No thanks, I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. You’re shakin’.”
“Oh fuck you.” She gives a side-grin. “Shoulda known you’d pick up on that.”
“Damn right you should.”
They share a strained laugh. Nicki crosses her arms and looks him in the eye. They’re shiny with tears. Or with anger. He couldn’t blame her either way.
“Guess I forgot while you were gone.”
“Can’t blame ya. It was a long time.” Too long. Too many goddamn sleepless nights and nightmares and—
“Look, I need t’know; you won’t tell anyone ‘bout what I’m gonna say, including Ballard.”
Lincoln pauses. “No, ‘course not.” He downs half the glass. Too many memories. “Ain’t his business.”
“Okay. Thanks.” She picks at a hangnail for a second.
Lincoln remembered her teenage years, when she bit them down to the point of bleeding until Burke started threatening to dump her hands in vodka if she kept doing it. He wasn’t sure when that habit picked up again, but maybe it was after … after all that. Couldn’t blame her. He’d picked up drinking a bit more than he’d wanted to, amongst other things. Guess grief is universal.
“You know of the Lavender scare?”
“Sure I do. Can’t say I know much about it, but I know it exists.”
“What’s your opinion on it?”
Lincoln shrugs, handing back the glass. “Can’t choose who you love. You just… love. Ain’t anythin’ more to it. ‘Sides, it’s not like they’re pledging allegiance to the VC or nothin’.”
“Yeah,” she lets out a weak laugh, “that’d be bullshit.”
“What’s it gotta do with anything?”
“I’ll cut to the chase here.” Nicki sets the glass upside down on the desk she’s leaning on. She tries to steady her breathing. “I’ve been seein’ a woman. Her name’s Darlene.”
He blinks. “Oh. Can’t say I didn’t see it comin’, but—”
“My old man knows.”
“Holy shit.” The air suddenly feels heavier. Lincoln instinctively looks towards the door. His voice drops a bit. “Nicki, are you safe?”
Nicki shrugs. “He’s known for years now. No more in danger than I would be in public.” She cocks an eyebrow. “Christ, it’s not like he’s beatin’ me.”
“Yeah.” Lincoln gives that small half-smile, the one that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Well, if he gives you any trouble, let me know.”
“Too late for that.”
He folds his arms. “How’d he find out ‘bout it?”
“Jus’ gave me this- this look, one day a few years back. Like he knew. Figured he did, father’s instinct or somethin’ like that.” Nicki digs the heel of her boot into the hardwood floor. Lincoln remembered when he and Danny had set one of the boards on fire as teenagers. “He woulda hung me on a cross if I ever dared bring a woman ‘round here, or even mentioned it.”
“Does anyone else know?”
“Yeah, Danny did. Always knew. Always loved me, never tried to pray it outta me or nothin’.” Nicki picks up the glass again as Lincoln pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She takes one, cigarette trembling in her hand. “Just felt like I shoulda told ya sooner. Planned on tellin’ you after Mardi Gras but we know how well that went. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
Silence hangs in the air for a second as Lincoln processes.
“Can’t change the past.”
“You remember that summer, when I was out for a month at my aunt’s?”
“You weren’t at your aunt’s, were you?” Lincoln fishes out a lighter in his back pocket, lights her cigarette then his own.
“Da doesn’t even have a sister.” She blows smoke into the air and looks out a window. “He actually sent me to this… place, out in Mississippi. S’posed to cure me of my urges. Smelled worse than the bayou, if you can believe that.”
“What’d they do to you?”
“You really wanna know?”
“Shit, you makin’ sound like it was torture.”
”It was. Lots of ‘therapy’, where they’d belt us if we even tried to defend ourselves an’ our tastes. We are all kids. Youngest was fourteen, oldest was nineteen. It hurt to- to see those kids in the same pain that I was in.”
“Motherfuckers.”
Nicki makes a noise similar to a laugh. “Calm down there. Nothin’ we can do about it now.”
“Doesn’t make it right.”
“No, I guess it doesn’t. All that place did was give me a drinkin’ problem,” she picks up the empty glass, “just like my old man. Didn’t stop me from bein’ a dyke, though.”
Lincoln rests a hand on Nicki’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Nicki.”
“Nothin’ new,” she shifts away from his hand, “but I appreciate it.”
There’s still something in the back of Lincoln’s mind, a question or an emotion or a memory. They all seem the same by this point. Then it came.
“What made you afraid to tell me?”
“You’re workin’ with a fed an’ my old man. Can you blame me for not knowin’ how you’d respond?” There’s humor in it, but Nicki only has a half-grin on her face.
Lincoln bites back his defensiveness. “Guess I can’t blame you on that.”
“I don’t mean that to be a reflection of ya, it’s jus’—”
“You don’t want to get arrested, I get it. But I don’t care, you love who you love. I jus’ want you to be happy.”
Nicki punches him in the shoulder, hand not shaking anymore. “Means a lot. Thanks.”
“‘Course. I’ve lost enough anyway, can’t lose another friend,” he smiles, “an’ I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t think some men are, well, attractive I guess.”
“You’re a queer too?” Nicki bites back her shock. “Damn, shoulda known. What, sleepin’ with men in foxholes over in ‘Nam change your mind?”
“No, nothin’ like that. Kinda been wonderin’ where I lie in all of that since I was sixteen.”
“Huh, now I’m curious,” Nicki says, sitting on the desk. “How’d you find out ‘bout your stuff?”
Lincoln shrugs. “Don’t remember.”
“Wow, you, not remembering something? Christ, must be the fuckin’ rapture then,” she grins at him.
“Fuck you.”
“Nah, got a girlfriend for that.”
A kind of laughter fills the space between the two, and Lincoln walks to lean against the desk Nicki is sitting on.
“But, really, Lincoln. If you ever wanna share your story, I’ll listen.”
“Appreciate it. But there really ain’t much to say.”
“Not even ‘bout that CIA agent— Donovan, right? You seem to like him a lot.”
“Well, uh, I guess- maybe. I don’t know. I don’t think in that way, maybe, b—”
Nicki elbows him. “I’m playin’ with ya, relax. Your secret’s safe with me no matter what. Woulda been with Danny, too.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. That’s what friends do.” Nicki pats Lincoln on the shoulder and scoots off the desk. “Well, I got work to do. Da left you a bottle of brandy downstairs, if you want it. Consider it a comin’ out gift from me, too.”
“Appreciate it.”
“Of course. Us queers gotta stick together.”
He laughs. “Yeah. Of course.”
journal entry no. ??
Nicki came out as a lesbian today. Got a girlfriend too— girl named Darlene. Might look into her. Can’t say I’m surprised ‘bout her homosexuality, but I am happy that she can be herself. She’s got her people. Can’t say I have mine anymore. But at least I got her.