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“Flowers? Check. Gift? Check. Love for your partner? A most definite check.”
Kate stood in front of the door to her and Chloe’s new apartment. Well, “new” might be a stretch, it had been 2 years but the feeling of wonder and amazement at having a shared, private and comfortable place still amazed Kate. The feeling of freedom and love she felt at being able to lock the door and be in their own little world felt so wonderful that she still had trouble accepting it. She had fought for so long to be able to express her feelings towards Chloe and this place allowed for all of it. It encompassed all the sentimentality, the warmth that they could possibly have for each other, and more. She felt the excitement of it all, the five years with Chloe, the two years with the apartment, the eternity looking forward. It felt like God had finally allowed her to feel his grace. Things had been so dark for so long before she met Chloe, the bullying, the suicide attempt, the emptiness. All of it had pushed her further from her creator and for so long she had not seen the light, the divinity. Now it seemed so clear. She had been troubled and tested, pushed beyond any level of despair she had ever experienced and she had come out stronger for it. No more apologizing for herself, no more shame, no more guilt. Now she knew what was in store for her: A life of faith and love. Sure, there might be tribulations but she now knew that she was strong enough to face whatever came her way, especially with Chloe at her side. This was her reward. She had been tempted, punished and redeemed. She had become stronger for it and emerged from it all with an impenetrable resilience that no man, woman or event could waver. Peace.
For all the growing she had done, Kate nevertheless felt trepidation in this particular moment. Such a silly thing, fear at the thought of celebrating an anniversary with the one closest to you. Perhaps it was just nerves, a feeling of love so great it could not be distinguished from anguish. The feeling reminded her of home, her original home, mom, dad and Lynn. It was a strange time. It was a time of hiding who she was, of constant dread. Yet, it was a time that she longed for, in spite of the troubles she faced then. It was a simpler time. Before sexuality, romance and heartbreak. It was a time where she had no external responsibilities. To maintain her own existence, that was her single duty. The nostalgia she felt was strong and almost pulled her from the feeling she experienced now. The strange apprehension she felt at this moment. Whatever it was, it had no place now. It was all silly echoes of the past that should not be held in any regard but as fuel for the events that lay ahead. The emotions she felt now, whatever they may be, felt like a sign that what she was about to do was the right thing. So, she took her keys and unlocked the door.
The apartment was a mess.
Stepping into the hallway, Kate could immediately see how unkempt it all was. The clothes on the floor leading into the bedroom on her left, ash-like substance on the floor and a few bottles of wine they had saved for today strewn about. She reflected on the scene she had left not ten hours ago. This was not it. She instantly knew what was awaiting her in the bedroom.
“God, I thought we were past this…she had gotten better right?”
A sense of duality came over Kate’s mind. On one hand, she yearned to run to their shared sleeping quarters and abate her girlfriend’s hurt but on the other they had been through this before and she dreaded going through it again. She knew she had to do it however, just knowing how badly Chloe must have felt to return to this state of self-medicating made Kate feel her heart pound in her chest. It was obvious what had to happen, well maybe the entire course was not obvious but the starting point certainly was, so she delicately put the flowers and the gift to the floor and turned towards the bedroom door.
Four soft raps echoed through the door and into Chloe's brain. At first she was sure it was but a figment of her dulled mind but as the second round floated through the room it became apparent that this was real. Chloe aggressively rubbed her face, hoping to somehow scrape off her intoxication and less-than-appealing smell. To her surprise, it didn't work. Instead she took a deep breath and invited Kate in.
They gazed at each other across the darkened room. Kate could feel the feet between them elongate into miles until the brittleness of it all became too much for her to bear. So she spoke.
"Chloe, what… what happened?"
The words ran out of her mouth in a much meeker sense than she had intended them to. It was a tone that made her cringe. It made her cringe because it was how she used to sound in her younger and more fragile years. It made her cringe because it reminded of the time when she could not face another day but most of all it made her cringe because she knew how obvious her sadness must have seemed to Chloe. She didn't need this. From the look of things, she had already been through enough today. Kate had to be strong enough for the both of them. Right? That’s what you do when your better half is worse off: You step up and take the reins, trying as hard as you can to correct the course before it turns into a nosedive, as Chloe was prone to do when this mood set upon her. It dawned on her that no response had been spoken at her since she tried to initiate the conversation. Now, letting her thoughts quiet down, she noticed a soft whimpering sound. Chloe was crying. Chloe never cried unless she was at her breaking point, standing one ghastly step away from plunging into unending darkness.
Kate rushed to her side, knelt down and placed a hand on Chloe's shoulder. Kate’s hand made it a mission to soothe her and so it motioned up and down Chloe’s arm. It was drenched in sweat and trembling something fierce. A pang of concern forced its way through Kate’s body but she kept her eye on the mission. She had to calm Chloe down. After a few moments of the repetitive motion, Chloe’s crying had subsided ever so slightly and Kate felt a surge of courage flare up inside her so she moved her hand from Chloe’s side and placed them around her wrists instead. She guided Chloe’s clasped hands away from her face and took hold of them.
“Chloe‒ Chloe, please look at me. What’s wrong? What happened? You’re shaking. What’s going on?”
A bit of confidence had crept back into Kate’s voice which made her feel a bit better. At least she could be strong for Chloe, with her . Chloe’s red eyes shut a moment while she inhaled a shaky breath. Then they opened and they were looking right back at Kate.
Her pupils were huge, like a cat about to pounce. But Chloe didn’t seem in a state of attack preparation, rather she seemed confused and scared.
The pieces fell into place right then and there. Once again, Chloe had relapsed. She was high. Despite all the progress she had made, Chloe was still the same hurt young kid that she was when they first met. Kate knew the story: abuse, abandonment and atrocious coping mechanisms. When things went wrong Chloe went straight for the nearest substance she could find. They had been through this so many times but Chloe had finally turned the page, right? They had celebrated her six months of sobriety just a few weeks ago. Kate could feel the sweat on her body begin to make her clothes cling to her body. She wasn’t good at this. She always tried her hardest but it never seemed to make a difference, Chloe did what she wanted or needed at any given time.
“I just thought what she wanted was me…not this” Kate thought.
Nevertheless, Kate knew that if Chloe had broken her sobriety, it meant that she was hurting badly. So she made her mind up to help her get through this.
“Chloe, what did you take?”
The kindness in her voice came naturally.
Chloe’s eyes seemed to finally focus on Kate.
“I…I just wanted to forget…”
Chloe’s brief lucidity disappeared behind clouds of confusion and she once again lapsed into tears.
Kate knew she was walking into a dead end so, skipping further attempts at conversation, she got up and walked to the other side of the bed, stripping off her coat and shoes without missing a step. She laid down on the bed, put an arm around Chloe and pulled her in. The shivering and sweating was in full effect. Kate just tightened her grip and muttered in Chloe’s ear:
“It’s okay, I’m here now. Whatever’s going on Chloe, I’m here.”
The body next to Kate didn’t respond at first. It was unmoving, apart from the trembling, and silent. Kate, in turn, just responded by kissing her neck and softly stroking her. A long time passed, an hour or so perhaps but eventually she reaped the fruit of her efforts and Chloe turned over, facing her. Her arms wrapped around Kate and instead of crying into the sheets, she was wetting the crook of Kate’s neck. It felt a little like progress, so Kate held her tongue and hugged Chloe tight.
Eventually Chloe calmed down. She pulled her head back and looked at Kate with eyes like black holes: mysterious, dark like a void and with a strong pull that devoured any piece of reality around them. Kate couldn’t help being sucked in. The eyes that held so much pain, the eyes that had seen so much trouble, the eyes Kate fell in love with. It was still those same eyes that she looked into now, even if a different state of being. Kate was reminded of her hometown, particularly of a large oak on a small hill which she used to sit under. A place away from all the evils of the world, a place of worship. She would sit under that tree in every season, in the summer it shelter her from the sun and in the winter, the snow. It took her in when mom was screaming, when dad was absent, when everything felt like it was her fault. She remembered thinking, when she left for Blackwell, that she would never find such solace again. That was what she was thinking when she looked into those black eyes. She was also thinking how wrong she had been then, worried she would never find peace again, a safe space. Feeling Chloe wrapped around her, it occurred to her how Chloe had become like that, Kate could bathe in her being, take shelter in her arms and find beauty in her eyes. Even now, anxious and sad as they were, they still looked as uplifting as ever. Her rock, or rather, her oak .
“Kate…I-I’m high right now, but… you probably know that by now”
Kate gave a reassuring stroke of Chloe’s hair.
“Yes, I know. What did you take?”
Chloe placed a hand on Kate’s stomach and looked away.
“I…found a few hits of acid in my drawer, it’s stupid, I know”
Kate’s hand stopped gliding through Chloe’s hair for a moment. She felt the need to ask questions: How long had this been going on? Why? Why didn’t she tell her? All questions that she longed to have answered but instead she opened up with the most pressing one:
“I-” Kate took a second to compose herself, running a hand through her own hair “I thought you were sober”
Chloe’s arms tightened arounds Kate’s waist.
“I thought I was. I wanted to be. But I just…. I couldn’t handle it Katie, none of it. I knew I would fuck this up, sooner or later. I’m such a loser,” Chloe choked back a sob “I can’t even experience…normal fucking emotions without running away.”
The tears, becoming a familiar backdrop to this entire conversation, came back in full force. Kate and her sweater just accepted them.
“C, you’re not a loser. You’re the strongest person I know. All the things you’ve had to face, and from such a young age, are terrible. But you’re here,” Kate placed a hand under Chloe’s chin and directed her gaze towards her own “And that’s something that no one can take you from you, not even yourself. You’ve survived so much and you’re stronger for it. Nothing you do will ever take away from that. I know that you’re not feeling very strong right now but you are. I am in awe of you. I know I don’t always say the right thing but I want you to know that I could not be any prouder of you. No matter how little you think of yourself. You deserve happiness. We’ve been there before and we’ll get back, I promise”
Chloe’s ever-strengthening grip proved unyielding as she seemed to hold on to Kate for dear life. She was breathing more calmly now but she still seemed troubled. Kate could tell by the way Chloe’s nails were digging into her body.
“I heard this song on the radio today.” Chloe said, sniffling softly before continuing “It was dad’s favorite. I just…it haven’t heard it since he, you know, and it just made me think of everything that’s happened: him dying, Max leaving, Rachel f-fucking Frank, you…it made me think of us. It made me think of…how I always fuck everything up. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’ve been so tired for so long and I just snapped. I searched everywhere and then I found those tabs…I had to-” Chloe shook her head “no I wanted to, needed to I guess. I’m a fuckup and I know that it’s just a matter of time before I fuck this up too. So, I just wanted to forget.”
Kate felt her eyes stinging, she had no idea Chloe still felt this way. She seemed fine just yesterday. Maybe Kate didn’t know her as well as she thought. Maybe Chloe didn’t trust her as much as she thought or maybe they just needed to talk. So, lying in the dimly lit room, Kate decided to get some answers.
“I don’t know how we got here” Kate said, holding back tears “I-I thought we were fine, I mean, I know you don’t like to talk about stuff like this and I have respected that but I always thought you would tell me if things ever got really bad. Maybe that was stupid of me but I thought we had enough trust to talk about these things.”
The sadness and hurt in her voice was palpable, enough to stir something in Chloe who sat up against the headboard and rubbed her face assiduously. Then, looking out over the bedroom, she spoke
“Do you ever feel like we're close to the end?"
Kate was taken aback by the question, Chloe had a penchant for morbid thoughts but they were never this out of the blue. Still, in her quest to comfort, Kate replied
"Well…I don’t know, according to the Bible it won't happen until-"
"No, I mean, close to the end of… us."
“Chloe, what do you mean?” Kate ran a hand through her hair and wiped her eyes before continuing “What are you trying to say?”
“ I’m trying to say that I know where we are headed, I’ve been here before, you know, with Max and everyone else”
Kate couldn’t believe what she was hearing, Chloe could be so self-effacing, so doubtful.
“Chloe, you do this to yourself, you get in your head and you fall apart and then it falls to me to stick the pieces back together. And you know what? I’m happy to, because we’re a team and I love you. But I just can’t stand seeing you like this, and I just can’t stand how you’re so hard on yourself. You are the most wonderful person I know and you can’t even see it yourself. I love you and you can’t see that. It drives me crazy when you act like this” Kate saw the resigned look in Chloe’s eyes and it broke her heart. She placed a hand on Chloe’s.
“But I think I would fall apart without you and I never want to find out. So no, we are not close to the end. As long as we’re honest with each other but I don't think you're being completely honest with me. So will you tell me what's going on?"
Chloe averted Kate's eyes, instead focusing on the patch of quilt her hand was drawing invisible symbols on.
"At first, like I said, I thought about all the things that happened in the past… but then I got to thinking about the present and then the future and I didn’t like what I saw: you having to care for me every day like I’m some cripple who can’t exist without you. I just don't want to ruin your life. Dragging you down with me every time something goes wrong"
Kate squeezed Chloe's hand.
“Chloe, you’re not dragging me anywhere. I want to follow you every step of your journey. I knew you back when it all happened…and you might not be able to see it but you were so angry back then and you’re in a much better place now, for the most part. You wanted revenge on the world, on the people who hurt you but you’ve let that go, sure you still struggle, but I do too and it’s just a part of living. I like to think that I helped you get where you are now and I’d like to think that, together, we can go even further.” Kate raised Chloe’s hand and pressed a kiss onto it “We are not who we were, even though they are still part of us. Life is a long series of events that are meant to make you a better person than you were, and we are perfectly on track. Okay?” Kate suddenly was graced by a thought ‘And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up’. I remember reading that in the hospital. I-It reminded me that even when the past gets to you, to not let it drag you back to your former self. Chloe, what I’m trying to say with all this is-” Kate looked at Chloe for the first time since she started rambling and found her wounded eyes to contain a glimmer of something else, something she hadn’t seen all day. Hope. It spurred her on to finish “We’ll be alright. I love you and that will never change, I promise”
There was a moment of silence. Kate worried her words had fallen flat as they often do but Chloe suddenly made a move and eliminated the space between their lips. Kate could feel the knot in her stomach immediately unwinding and a smile broadened on her busy lips. Soon she could feel the upturn in Chloe’s lips as well. The frigid atmosphere in the room had completely changed and now it was once again a room of adoration, of gratitude.
Chloe sat up and straddled Kate, her kisses intensifying in both ferocity and speed. Soon her hands were unbuttoning Kate’s top. In between labored breath’s Kate had just one last thing to say.
“You’re my oak, Chloe”
“...What?”