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Jiang Cheng has never been good at feelings. He finds it hard to put them into words, because half of the time he isn’t sure what he’s feeling. Never mind trying to guess other people’s emotions. He’s been accused of being cold, insensitive, rude even and although it stings every time someone says it, he can’t really argue with them. This is why it comes as a surprise that he even notices it. He is hanging out with Lan Huan in the cafeteria when it happens. The two of them have only known each other for a few weeks, and only because their stupid brothers are dating. It turns out Lan Huan is pretty cool though, so they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. Jiang Cheng can easily say that the other man is one of his favourite people on this campus.
Lan Huan is just handing him some sugar for his tea when his hand falters and he drops the packets onto the table. When Jiang Cheng turns to follow his gaze, he sees the guy. Tall, broad shoulders, long black hair braided messily, an undercut that seems to be growing out and oh! he is headed in their direction. Lan Huan gets up, actually stands up from his seat to greet the man with a hug. Jiang Cheng is not a hugger, he and Lan Huan have certainly never hugged, and he’s not sure where to look as the two of them embrace.
“Jiang Wanyin, this is Nie Mingjue.” Oh, the sports science guy Lan Huan has mentioned a few times in passing. Jiang Cheng finds himself getting up too, silly, and shaking the guy’s enormous hand. They exchange pleasantries though he finds that neither he nor Nie Mingjue seem to be very good at small talk. Lan Huan mostly carries the conversation, smiling easily and asking small talky questions about Nie Mingjue’s day, which would be put-on and factitious from anyone else, but is completely sincere and out of real interest when he is doing it. Nie Mingjue has a gruff way of speaking, but there is a warmth to it that draws Jiang Cheng in. It seems to be having the same effect on Lan Huan. More than that, the man is smiling even wider that usual and he can’t seem to stop himself from leaning into Nie Mingjue. Then there is also the way he’s looking at him and again, Jiang Cheng feels the need to avert his eyes. It’s the same stupid look Wei Wuxian always got when he would try to flirt with Lan Wangji only to get completely ignored: Adoration mixed with desperation. It makes Jiang Cheng’s face heat up a little and he’s glad when Nie Mingjue explains that he can’t stay because he has a class to attend. He finds it hard to look Lan Huan in the eyes after that and he’s not sure why. He feels…not exactly nauseous, but like there’s something wrong with his stomach.
Later, when he’s doing his evening jog across campus, he can’t stop thinking about Lan Huan and that look in his eyes. He didn’t even know Lan Huan liked men. That thought makes him blush again and he has no idea why. It’s not like he isn’t surrounded by gay people. He’s known for the longest time that Wei Wuxian is bi. Hell, his sister and Wen Qing have been dating for two years now and he couldn’t be happier for them. Why is the fact that Lan Huan likes men such an earth-shattering revelation? He tries to distract himself, to focus on his legs, on the way his muscles are starting to burn a little, but to no avail. He’s not great at feelings, but he’s in touch with himself enough to have considered who he might be interested in. He used to think he might be gay, because when he came to the age where all his classmates were talking about girls, he felt strange and could never seem join in. But then he’s never felt anything for a guy either. Or anyone else for that matter. So he shrugged it off and threw himself into studying instead. He decides to sprint the rest of his route to his dorm and that finally distracts him enough to put these thoughts to rest. For now.
As Jiang Cheng and Lan Huan become closer, the other man begins to invite him to his hangouts with Nie Mingjue. At first Jiang Cheng is unsure if he should join them, he feels like he is intruding, but soon enough he finds himself becoming friends with Nie Mingjue. The guy is a little intimidating and the first time they hang out Jiang Cheng feels like he’s being interrogated. But after that it is apparently decided that he is worthy of their time and Nie Mingjue beings to relax around him. He’s still kind of gruff, but Jiang Cheng begins to appreciate his bluntness. His first instinct had been right, the guy is a warm person and has a big heart. He’s incredibly kind and soft to Lan Huan, but soon that kindness begins to extend to Jiang Cheng too. He encourages him in small ways that mean the world to Jiang Cheng who has been taught to do nothing but doubt himself. That habit doesn’t go away when he’s with his friends, but it becomes easier to bear, and he finds that he is less hard on himself.
They start going to the gym and working out together. Then they start going to the movies regularly, which turns into having movie nights at Nie Mingjue’s apartment and soon the three of them are inseparable. Sure, there is still the matter of Lan Huan being completely and hopelessly in love with Nie Mingjue, but Jiang Cheng finds that he’s handling it better now. The thing is that he can’t be sure how Nie Mingjue feels. Lan Huan wears his heart on his sleeve, and he’s become easy to read for Jiang Cheng. But Nie Mingjue is more difficult to figure out. There are times where Jiang Cheng watches them do mundane tasks together, like chopping up vegetables, or helping each other lift weights, and it seems so perfect, like of course they are a couple, who could ever doubt that? Nie Mingjue will let his hand linger on Lan Huan’s arm or squeeze his hand affectionately and Jiang Cheng is certain that Mingjue feels the same. But then he also does that with Jiang Cheng sometimes, and the two of them are just friends so what does it all mean? He never asks Lan Huan about it and intends to ignore it completely. That is until one night, late in November when they’re hanging out in Lan Huan’s living room and the older man seems sad somehow. Nie Mingjue is out with his younger brother, so it’s just the two of them for the first time in a while.
“Are you okay?” Jiang Cheng asks tentatively.
“Yes, just tired,” Lan Huan smiles sadly.
“You know you can tell me, right? Whatever’s going on.”
Lan Huan looks at him strangely at that. And then Jiang Cheng can’t hold it back anymore, it just kind of bursts out of him. “You know that I know, right?” Lan Huan’s eyes widen slightly. Jiang Cheng tries to stop, tries to make himself shut up, but he can’t. “You and Mingjue. I know.” And somehow, he knows it’s the right thing to say.
Lan Huan shakes his head ever so slightly. “Not sure there is much to know.” Jiang Cheng is unsure how to respond, but he’s feeling brave tonight, so he clears his throat. “Tell me anyway.” So Lan Huan does. He tells Jiang Cheng about the first time he saw Nie Mingjue, how his heart stopped for a few seconds. He tells him about how they became friends and how Nie Mingjue’s kindness and his strong sense of justice were ultimately the reason he fell for him. How he’s convinced that the other doesn’t feel the same way about him, and how sometimes the sadness overwhelms him. Like tonight. It’s a little much for Jiang Cheng, if he’s being honest, but Lan Huan looks so vulnerable and fragile in that moment and Jiang Cheng likes him so much that he can’t help but take the other’s hand and squeeze it gently. It’s the first time he’s done it, and his heart pounds in his ears. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” he finds himself saying. “It’s hard to say what he’s feeling. What if,” he swallows. “If you told him, I’m sure he wouldn’t react badly, no matter how he feels.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I could live with him getting angry and cutting me out of his life. But he wouldn’t. Instead he would look at me with pity and I couldn’t take it.”
“Yeah, that would suck,” Jiang Cheng sighs and Lan Huan snorts in response and squeezes his hand.
“I appreciate it, really. And it feels good to talk to someone about it. My brother knows and he understands what it’s like to love someone and not have them love you back, but then that’s not entirely true, is it? Because my brother’s unrequited love turned out to be nothing like that, and I’m happy for him, I really am. It’s just…it’s good to talk to you about it.” He smiles that sad smile again and it hurts Jiang Cheng, it aches deep inside his chest. They don’t speak for a long while after that, they just sit in silence, holding hands and it feels strange, because he has never been a touchy-feely kind of person. But this feels natural, feels right, so he doesn’t pull away.
Things sort of shift between them after that. It’s a gradual thing and Jiang Cheng barely notices that it’s happening, but the two of them become even closer. Not just emotionally, but physically too. Lan Huan seems to reach out to Jiang Cheng more than before, puts his arm around him, squeezes his shoulder, or holds his hand when they’re watching a scary movie. What’s strange is that Jiang Cheng doesn’t mind, not at all. In fact, he finds himself returning these affections and initiating physical contact more and more. After the initial nervousness wears off, he begins to find it natural and just…nice? It’s so weird. It also leads to him becoming more affectionate with Nie Mingjue, who has gotten into the habit of pulling Jiang Cheng against his chest to rest there when they’re watching a movie. The first time he did it, Jiang Cheng honestly thought he was going to die. Not in a bad way though, so he allowed it. If Jiang Cheng is being completely honest, he has been kind of looking for a way to be closer to Nie Mingjue. It only feels fair, now that he and Lan Huan are so close. So it’s a little like the other has read his mind and decided to do something about it himself.
This is how they spend most of their evenings now, on Nie Mingjue’s couch, sometimes doing homework, watching shitty horror movies that Jiang Cheng swears only scare him a tiny bit, or just talking. Usually it’s Jiang Cheng sitting in the middle, which felt weird at first, like he was preventing the other two from sitting next to each other and getting cosier. But soon he realised that they were intentionally leaving space between them for him. It makes his stomach do strange things that he doesn’t want to think about.
That’s how it stays for a while and Jiang Cheng is content. It sucks that Lan Huan gets sad sometimes, but mostly things are good.
It’s a few days before Christmas break, that it all falls apart. They’re in Nie Mingjue’s living room, talking about their days, and Lan Huan is telling a story about a particularly mean professor who seems to have it out for him specifically, which is crazy, because Lan Huan is the nicest person ever. Jiang Cheng’s head is resting against Nie Mingjue’s chest, the other’s arm tucked around his shoulders when an idea pops into his head.
“Dude, that sucks. Hey, switch places with me, I think you need a hug more than I do.” And with that he gets up. Lan Huan looks up at him with panic in his eyes and Jiang Cheng could swear he can see Nie Mingjue blush a little. But he might be imagining things. A long moment passes, before Nie Mingjue grumbles a “Come here,” and Lan Huan stiffly leans against him. Jiang Cheng sits down on Lan Huan’s other side and takes his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. They end up putting on a documentary about a national park that some friend recommended to Nie Mingjue. Somehow it’s the saddest shit Jiang Cheng has ever seen. Nature is terrifying and brutal apparently, and there is this baby fox, and who knew that foxes have natural predators? Basically, Jiang Cheng has to very discreetly wipe away his tears with his sleeve, because that stuff is embarrassing, but he can’t help it. Next to him Lan Huan is sniffling a little, but it’s nothing compared to Nie Mingjue, who is full on crying until Lan Huan sits up and pulls him into an embrace. Jiang Cheng takes that as his cue to go to the bathroom for a few minutes.
It’s weird, the other two seem to have no problems being affectionate with him, but they’re usually very restrained with each other. It’s like there’s a line they’re afraid to cross. Jiang Cheng smiles at himself in the bathroom mirror. Maybe this is his responsibility now, finding excuses for them to be closer to each other until they finally take the hint. He shakes his head, when did he become so invested in this? After what feels like an appropriate amount of time, he emerges from the bathroom, and enters the living room just to stop dead in his tracks. The documentary is still playing, but there on the couch, in the dark Lan Huan and Nie Mingjue are still hugging, no wait, they’re… they’re kissing?
Jiang Cheng’s stomach drops and he slowly backs out of the room. The TV is loud enough that they haven’t noticed him.
Oh god.
There it is again, that nausea. His heart is pounding and he feels like he’s going to black out as he puts on his shoes, grabs his jacket and quietly opens the front door. Once he’s in the hall, he starts running. He can’t help it, he just takes off into the night. He doesn’t think, doesn’t allow himself to, not until he’s made it to his dorm room.
When he’s sat on his bed, heart still racing it fully hits him. His two best friends were kissing. Finally. He should be happy for them, but instead he feels nothing, just emptiness. His hands are shaking, and he feels like he’s going to be sick. As he gets ready for bed, the emptiness is slowly replaced by dread. Everything is going to change, isn’t it? Lan Huan and Nie Mingjue will stop wanting to hang out with him all the time. That’s going to suck so much. He’s gotten so used to spending every free minute with them and the idea of going back to how things were before is unthinkable. He only realises now how lonely he was before they came into his life, how miserable. They’ll stay friends of course, but it will be different. Jiang Cheng will be on the outside, will have to learn to step back, to be less important. Now that he finally got his wish, Lan Huan will stop holding his hand, or cuddling with him, because he has Nie Mingjue to do that with now and yeah it hurts that Jiang Cheng was only a placeholder. But Lan Huan no longer needs him and Nie Mingjue will probably distance himself too. That would be appropriate. He mindlessly goes to check his phone and finds several messages from both of them. He ignores them in favour of going to their group chat to write “I’m happy for you.” Then he turns off his phone and goes to bed. He can’t sleep. The image of them kissing has seared itself into his brain. He wonders, not for the first time, what it would be like to kiss someone and then he wonders what it would be like to kiss them. For a moment it’s like he can’t breathe, like there is no air in his room. Shit. He is so screwed.
He actively avoids them for the rest of the week until Christmas break when he gets to go home. It’s absolutely miserable. He’s even more short tempered than usual, and constantly gets into fights with his family, especially Wei Wuxian with his stupidly perfect relationship. Jiang Cheng knows he’s being an asshole, but he can’t stop. He’s still ignoring his friends’ texts and he has no idea how he’s going to act when he sees them again. When Christmas break ends and he has to go back, he mostly avoids places where the three of them used to hang out. And really, the first few days it works out great for him. That is until Lan Huan shows up at his door. Jiang Cheng steps aside and lets him in with a sigh.
“You didn’t return our calls,” Lan Huan says after a while, no accusation in his tone, just concern. Our calls.
“Look, I’m sorry, I was busy with family stuff, and…”
“Wanyin.”
“I know, I was an asshole.”
“Wanyin, I’m sorry.”
“You’re what?”
Lan Huan nods seriously. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you had to leave that night.”
Jiang Cheng scoffs. “Of course I had to leave, I was giving you two some privacy to figure shit out.”
“But…” Lan Huan looks frustrated. “Let me explain, shall we sit?” he points at the neatly made bed and Jiang Cheng shrugs, so they sit.
“Mingjue and I are together now, we have indeed figured…things out.” He smiles softly. “But I’m afraid I haven’t been completely honest with you. The past couple of weeks were infinitely better because you were there. I was so grateful for your friendship.”
Jiang Cheng swallows. “I get it, okay, I’m happy I could be there for you, but I’ll leave you alone now.”
Lan Huan’s brows furrow and then he looks horrified. “What? Wanyin, no, goodness, that’s not what I meant. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not the same without you. It’s good, we’re happy, but I miss you. We miss you. It almost feels wrong without you.”
“What are you saying?” Jiang Cheng is surprised at how desperate it comes out.
“These past couple of weeks…let’s just say Mingjue is not the only one I had feelings for. Wanyin, I should have told you, but I didn’t know how you would react. I was confused, because this had never happened to me before and I wasn’t sure what it meant.” Jiang Cheng’s head is spinning, but Lan Huan continues. “Until I talked to Mingjue and he told me he felt the same about you. We’ve talked about it a lot and we’re sure. I don’t want to overwhelm you, and I’m sorry if I have misread your feelings, but please think about it?”
“What is this?” Jiang Cheng says hoarsely. He can’t seem to look Lan Huan in the eyes. “What should I think about?”
“If you want to be our boyfriend?” Lan Huan sounds so nervous, it’s disconcerting.
“Where is Mingjue?” Jiang Cheng asks weakly. He feels like he’s going to pass out any second now.
Lan Huan blushes. “He’s waiting outside.”
“Call him in.” Lan Huan sends a texts and sure enough, a minute later Nie Mingjue barges in.
“A-Cheng?” he asks, voice tinged with hope.
“Is this what you want?” Jiang Cheng asks. “You want…me?”
Nie Mingjue nods.
“Wanyin, if you need more time, or if you want us to leave, please, just…”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” His brain has stopped working. He looks at Lan Huan and then over at Mingjue and nods. “I’m in.”
Later when Jiang Cheng thinks back on this day it’s kind of a blur what happened next. Before he knew it he was almost crushed by two pairs of arms coming to embrace him. They talked for a long time after that. Well, mostly it was Lan Huan doing the talking, but Nie Mingjue made sure Jiang Cheng knew how he felt. Jiang Cheng himself tried his best to explain his feelings, told them how shitty Christmas break had been. They were sympathetic, even though Jiang Cheng had been a complete asshole to them, and he felt that he didn’t deserve their sympathy.
When Nie Mingjue kissed him, it was different than what Jiang Cheng had expected. Better. It was a little awkward and he didn’t really know what to do with his hands, until Lan Huan reached out and took them in his own. It made him smile so much, that he almost broke the kiss.