Work Text:
Jaehyun Jeong meets Ten Lee again in the earliest day of autumn, the year 2021.
They haven't seen each other in seven weeks, not since the break up; all three years of relationship ending in one single phone call.
Jaehyun remembers thinking it was bound to end anyways. His residency in the pediatric department was starting to take most of his time and Ten always had a client waiting for a commissioned piece. He remembers thinking that it was okay, that people grow. And sometimes, they do not get to do it together. The road starts to grow apart and the next thing they know, they are both walking on entirely different paths with different destinations in mind.
Seeing Ten again in the midst of the flower market, the one place they always went to everytime they can, feels like a nail into the coffin. The casket finally ready to be buried along with the flowers they grew together, the soil and stones bruising the fragile petals as they get buried further under where sunlight can't reach them, can't nourish them, until they rot and become part of the land.
He's wearing one of his plain black shirts with splatters of paint on it. His satchel that seemed to go everywhere with him is hanging from his left shoulder. Everything about him is familiar, even the old green converse shoes he bought from a thrift shop near Jaehyun's apartment. Everything, except his pitch black hair that is now longer than he remembers. It curls a bit as it falls on his eyes.
Jaehyun didnt even know Ten's hair could be curly.
It's like meeting a familiar stranger and somehow, that hurts him more.
Today, Ten isn't here with Jaehyun and it marks the 50th day they haven't spoken to each other. And yes, Jaehyun counted every excruciating day he didn't hear from his ex-lover.
They caught each other's gaze the same time and it takes a moment for them to tear each other's gaze off. It's like in the movies except nothing goes slow and there is no music, just the defeaning beat of his heart and familiar noise of the market.
Jaehyun suddenly gets the urge to run, go for the exit and get into his car, to never look back and continue living the way he did. The voice in his head is screaming at him to turn away before anything happens. His heart is thumping. It can be the coffee he downed in minutes after clocking out of his shift earlier that day, but he knows better.
It was stupid of him to think he geniunely just wanted flowers for Doyoung's housewarming party. Doyoung always said flowers made him sad, that he'd take a pot of plant instead.
Like moths drawn to light, it seems as though they can't steer away from each other's path.
Jaehyun's body betrays the voice in his mind as he strides towards the shop they frequented to the same time Ten moved forward. It's 7:30pm on a Thursday and not so many people are here. He thinks it's good, lesser people to watch him make a fool of himself for one last time.
They meet at the spot just ten meters away from the exit and Jaehyun can't help but think of how they're essentially strangers now.
"Hi-hi," Ten says, his voice awfully cheerful when Jaehyun just wants to run and hide. He's smiling, his eyes two cresents of moon and his cheeks crinkling. He has always been fond of Ten's whiskers. He aches to have them under his fingertips. Jaehyun feels his knuckles clench around his denim jacket.
"Hi," he remembers to breathe.
"How have you been?" Ten asks as he bends down to get a closer look at the flowers.
Jaehyun doesn't know how to respond but he reckons this will turn into a mess if he says the words that threaten to spill.
His grip on his jacket has gone tighter. It's gonna leave some creases on the old and thinning material but it's okay. It's better than getting stripped naked of his feelings in the middle of a flower market just because he saw his ex 50 days after they broke up.
"Always tired," he says instead. "the kids really was--is harder to manage than I thought."
Ten doesn't reply as he picks on a single stem of a white flower. He doesn't know what kind of flower it is but Ten probably does. It resembles baby's breath but not really.
"Ahjumma, can i get six of these please and three of the pink lillies, too."
Jaehyun catches sight of a tattoo on the skin just beneath his ear when Ten stands up to hand over the flowers he was checking out. He doesn't know if Ten got it before or after the fall out. How long has it been exactly since he got to ask Ten about the art he loved to cover his skin with?
"Oh? You bought your boyfriend this time? Yah! It's been a long time, is it hard in the hospital?" she's smiling, so kind so enthusiastic. It takes Jaehyun a moment to realize Ten didn't tell her yet.
Why didnt he? Did he not tell his friends too? What about his family? Do they know? Why?
Questions swiftly go through his mind like birds seeking shelter in the late summer rain.
"Yeah. I started to rethink my dream, ajumma. Can't i just come and sell flowers like you?," he tries to keep his voice lighthearted and prays to god and every other deity in existence that his voice doesn't betray him.
It doesn't because the old lady, ever so loving, keeps on chattering about how Jaehyun should take care of his body, to not forget his meals, and do not give up as she wraps up the flowers Ten is buying.
The thought of his intention to buy Doyoung his flowers comes to his mind but he decides against it. He'll just buy him the tea pots from that local ceramics shop he's been raving about tommorow.
"If all fails, come to me. I'll let you sell daisies all day," she says, getting Jaehyun out of his reverie. "It doesn't pay as well as your fancy hospital though."
She laughs and Jaehyun can't help but laugh, too.
She gives Ten his flowers along with a single stem of a blue dahlia and said something about how it's the last one and that they should take it with them as gift after not seeing Jaehyun for so long.
Ten thanks her and Jaehyun bows, too.
"I'll see you next time, ahjumma," he says and he truly hopes there's a next time when he's had more sleep and Ten to keep company. It's just wishful thinking, one that will go unfulfilled because this is the end. They both know that.
They continue to walk to the exit after that and before Jaehyun realizes it, their legs have taken them in the noodle shop just a block away from the market. The night is chilly and he almost gives Ten his jacket before he remembers he can't do that anymore. They're no longer lovers and Jaehyun no longer holds the position to care for him that way.
The walk, just like his companion, is familiar.
Like it's another one of their dates.
Like habit.
It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth as they seat on the last table on the corner of the store, the one beside the window overseeing the busy street.
Ten loved sitting there even though he felt awkward eating in such an open space. He loved watching people and Jaehyun loved watching him watch people. He told jaehyun how people are where his inspiration comes from and the endless stories they can imagine out of a stranger.
"Somehow not knowing them give me blank canvas, tabula rasa as one of the philosophers say, yet they give enough for me to at least have an idea. The way they walk, their expression, even the things they hold. They're my muse," he said beautifully, his eyes filled with something akin to wonder and curiosity.
Jaehyun pouted then and said,"I thought I was your muse? Aren't artists lovers supposed to be their muse?"
Ten laughed at him, his voice warm and his eyes crinkling like two moons. God, Jaehyun was so endeared. "So you're only dating me to be a muse and get a free painting? I see how it is now."
"That and you really make good ramen," they both giggle at that. They're bowls are long empty but they both do not make the motion to leave. Jaehyun holds his gaze to Ten until he looks back.
Ten's eyes had always been so full of expression and at that moment, Jaehyun felt loved.
"You are though," he says after a moment of silence and taking Jaehyun's hand in his.
"I am what?"
"My muse," he whispered so silently, Jaehyun could've missed it but he didn't so he stood up and went to Ten's side. He rested his hands on his knees to meet Ten's eyes and gave a soft, fleeting kiss on Ten's cheeks, where his whiskers would show if he smiled.
"I love you, too," Jaehyun whispered, just as silent but Ten didn't miss it. He couldn't.
Jaehyun now wonders if he found another muse.
"Hows the exhibit?" he wants to ask instead.
Last time they spoke, Ten was finishing his piece for an annual exhibit in some fancy gallery. Jaehyun never got to know its name nor the piece he worked on.
Their relationship was already grasping at the thinnest threads, always fighting about how Ten is immature, how Jaehyun is inconsiderate, how Ten is so stiffling, how Jaehyun has become the most shallow asshole Ten has ever met, and how Ten is the most pretentious prick Jaehyun has come acrossed to.
He can't even remember what they were fighting about that night. But what he remembers is feeling the tiniest bit of satisfaction when he saw how stunned Ten was with his words, how red his face suddenly got. Jaehyun was never mean to him no matter how awful their arguments became.
Jaehyun was the more honest one of them, never uttering a word unless he truly meant them and it stunned Ten to hear him say such foul words.
That night, he drew blood. And until now, he doesn't know if he meant the words he had said.
Jaehyun expected him to yell out of anger or slap him, maybe punch him square to the jaw. Just any act of violence would do. He anticipated it because he knew he hurt Ten.
He wanted to hurt Ten.
He never expected his lover to walk away, the sickly white light of the hospital hallway casting such dark shadows on his feet as the dread filled Jaehyun's being.
He didn't expect the curt call the next day either.
They didn't even greet each other, the silence so loud in the sleeping room of the hospital's residents.
Ten had said,"we should stop," after what felt like forever and Jaehyun had replied, "okay."
And that was it.
That was truly it.
Because when Jaehyun came back to his apartment, gone is every trace that he shared a space with Ten. Ten's space on his closet is gone, his other personal belongings leaving empty spaces on the shelves and tables. Louis and Leon's litter box and other supplies they need for when they come and sleep over are gone.
All was left to prove he even had Ten there were the polaroids and printed photographs on the wall of them collected from the three years they shared. From their first date to their third anniversary along with a sad pouch of pastel Ten probably forgot sat on the kitchen table.
Ten didn't call after that and Jaehyun found out later that he had been soft blocked on all of his social media accounts, even his Facebook that he never even used.
Jaehyun had to continue after that. He deactivated his accounts and immediately started studying again. He would tell later that week to Jungwoo how they broke up.
"What?," he almost shouted before remembering they're in a hospital. "What do you mean? I met him when I went out to drink with Yuta, Johnny, and the others. He didn't say shit, neither did the others."
Jaehyun shrugged before continuing to fill out a patient's chart.
"Is that why you didnt come?"
Jaehyun nodded. "Yep."
He would tell their group another week later when he confirms Ten isn't coming to their weekly drinks. They're all shocked, saying how Ten never told them anything.
After that, they don't mention Ten again, atleast when Jaehyun shows up to the drinks with Ten long gone and him freshly out of another long shift. If they do the same with Ten, he doesn't ask. He doesnt bother trying to know anything about the man he shared his life with and he's thankful for their silence.
----
The black bean noodles that Ten ordered for them when they came in comes faster than Jaehyun anticipated. It's too fast. They'll eat it soon enough because Ten hates it when the noodles get soggy and the sauce starts to form.
And then this will end?
And then what?
They go their separate ways, never to meet again?
And then what?
They somehow form a truce good enough not to avoid each other when they meet up with their friends?
And then what?
Jaehyun could buy them drinks in the coffeeshop next door where they catch up and hopelfully reconcile?
And then what?
They could get past their grievances and start again?
And then what?
Jaehyun has no idea.
He has thought about this, seeing Ten again, in so many different scenarios, all ending with Ten smiling at him, saying "see you soon."
No matter how much he denies it, he can't hide the fact that deep within his heart is a well kept secret that he hopes they'll somehow end back together.
He often dreams of Ten on the short sleeps he gets to have in between surviving his studies and the kids that love to poke on his dimples, of his arms around Ten, of his lips on Ten, of his body near Ten, only to wake up the emptiness of their--his apartment, void of two cats and their human coaxing him to wake.
He finds it so pathetic, humuliating even.
He wonders if Ten dreams of them, too, if he talks to Johnny about what had happened, if he gets sad when Louis and Leon patiently waits for Jaehyun to come to them by the door of his apartment, if Ten misses waking up next to him. Because Jaehyun does miss him.
Jaehyun talks to Johnny every time they meet, asks if Johnny knows what went wrong and if he thinks they'll get back together. Jaehyun misses Louis and Leon waiting for him because the apartment is too empty, too silent. Jaehyun misses waking up to Ten five minutes before his alarm rings so they can kiss some more and always finding himself reaching out to the empty side of the bed.
So he doesn't touch the noodles.
He doesn't even move to mix it and just watches Ten eat his.
In his mind, if he doesn't eat it, this doesn't have to end and forever watching him eat noodles infront of Jaehyun is so much better than most of the possible scenarios bound to happen when they go out of the front door.
He sums up the courage and asks.
"How was the exhibit?"
Ten wipes his mouth before drinking the coke with too many ice just how he likes it, so cold and almost too watery.
"Fine. Some rich kid liked my painting and even commissioned me to do another."
He takes another sip before meeting Jaehyun's eyes. "What about you?"
"Always tired," he repeats his answer earlier and it reminds him if how he used to say only can he rest if he's with Ten. "The kids never run out of energy, I can't even imagine how I would handle them if they were healthy."
"You like it though," he is right, always been right.
"Yeah. It's wonderful to watch them get better and wave at me when they leave, promising go never come back as a patient. One of the kids cried when they found out they had to go home and couldn't see me daily anymore."
Ten chuckles a bit at that before they fall into silence again.
When he meets Jaehyun's eye again, his gaze is brave.
"We should at least talk about it right?"
Right. Talk. Like two mature human beings. Like two rational people who have dealt with their emotions.
It's unfair because it seems like Ten already has with the way he's being so comfortable being in the same space as Jaehyun. He feels left in a space neither of them could go back to and it is as though Ten had a head start running away from it.
Jaehyun hasn't and he admits to himself he doesn't want to leave yet silently.
His heart is still bleeding, hurting to feel Ten in his space again and kiss the pain away. The voice in Jaehyun's head tells him it was his clinginess that suffocated and drove Ten away and he wills his heart to ignore it.
"Yeah, we should."
"I'm sorry," Ten starts. "I'm sorry I let my cowardice win over. I should've at least came to you and ended it properly."
Jaehyun's breath shudders at his words.
He's not saying sorry about the break up. He's sorry about how they broke up like they could've done so much better, but still break up nonetheless.
Jaehyun realizes Ten isn't trying to come back to him. He wants to scream and flip the tables. He wants to run and never come back here again. It hurts. It fucking stings to be gifted with the end like this.
"If--," he swallows the heaviness on his throat when he chokes out the word. "If we hadn't met today, would you have come? Would've you came to see me and talk to me?"
They were together for three whole years, nearing the half of their fourth. What they had wasn't some summer fling you can just end in wishful thinking they could've had more time. It wasn't a handful of dates before realizing they don't really match, not really especially in terms of movies and books. It wasn't just having sex and cuddling for hours after as they mindlessly talked about everything and anything.
It was brunches in hole in a wall restaurants, walks in the night market, art supplies run, and picnic dates around Han river. It was sweet, sweet kisses shared whenever they can, deep ones given under the dim lights of Ten's studio, and languid ones shared on the ruffled thousand thread sheets of Jaehyun's bed. It was playful arguments about wether to watch Game of Thrones or RuPaul's Drag Race then settling for another MCU movie instead. It was Jaehyun cooking his meal plan and considering Ten in it because he fits the artist stereotype of forgetting to eat so many times. It was Ten coming all the way to the university library and accompanying Jaehyun in the wee hous of dawn while he studied for another exam, letting him go on and on about whatever chapter they were covering. It was a three day vacation to Thailand and promising Ten's parents to take care of their one and only son. It was a whole week in Conneticut and Ten giving Jaehyun's grandparents one of his paintings. It was that and more and now, theyre sitting like they haven't woven years of their life together so tight, one can mever tell which is which
"No," he replies almost immediately, resolute and it hurts Jaehyun so much more than he expects.
Ten would've gone and lived his life without ever talking to Jaehyun again like they didn't know each other. He would've went and continued avoiding Jaehyun until he would inevitably cut ties with their shared friend group except for Johnny and Kun, whom he shares more history with than any other of them. He would forget about Jaehyun eventually and that would be it.
"I wouldn't have and I think it's better that way," he continues quietly.
"Jaehyun, you have to know I didn't mean to hurt you, to demand so much from you. I should've understood how much your internship means for your career. I should've gave you comfort instead of choking you with my demands when you could find time to be with me. I should've understood you more instead of making false narratives in my head. I'm sorry for letting my own insecurities eat our relationship."
He sighs and Jaehyun realizes they're both crying now. The tears are makes Ten's face gleam under the harsh light of the restaurant and the street lamp just outside. The shadows in his face, the bags on his eyes, and the sharper cheekbones are now more apparent, it's jarring.
"There's so much I regret but it was because of them that I realized how selfish I had become."
"We were both selfish towards the end," Jaehyun starts, his voice heavy with the sobs he's trying to supress. "I shouldn't have kept pushing you around, shouldn't have kept on testing your limits. I should've gave you more time, more attention and care. I should've held you tighter. I'm sorry, too."
He hungs his head low unable to meet Ten's gaze. He's so ashamed of how unforgiving he was towards the end, how unattentive he had become and how careless he had been with something as fragile and precious as Ten's affection.
"I'm hoping one day we can still be friends, Jae," the nickname at the end is bittersweet and Jaehyun knows a dismissal when he hears one.
"Yeah, one day," he smiles.
He suddenly wants to scream so loud and destroy everything. He wants to cry until his throat is raw and his eyes have shed all the tears they can give. He wants to run away more than anything, hide away in his room and wake up from this nightmare.
He remains seated when Ten finally stands up.
When he passes by his side, Jaehyun finds himself gripping on Ten's hand.
They're a bit colder like how Jaehyun remembers them to be and his chest constricts at the thought of the last time he had held them. He can't seem to remember. This gives him more to cry about.
"I still love you. I still dream of you," he says and it doesn't come off as desperate because it isn't. It's not his last attempt to waver Ten's resolve and win him back. It's just honest to god declaration of how he feels because what he regrets most is not reassuring that he loves Ten enough towards the end.
Ten's hand turns and their palms meet, their lines of life, fortune and love kissing. He bends down to kiss Jaehyun on his temple, it's warm and he can smell an unfamiliar cologne but familiar smell of acrylic paint and thinner.
"And I, too," he whispers before letting Jaehyun's hand go. He feels the love of his life slipping out of his grasp, like a bird finally free from the grasp if it's captor and there it is.
He has lost him.
Again.
And this time, it's for good.
He doesn't turn around to watch him go, doesn't dare to look if Ten even as much as looks back at him.
The single blue dahlia stares at Jaehyun.
He knows Ten left it for a reason because he knows all the meanings of the flowers.
This one is achingly familiar because it was the first one Jaehyun brought him. He remembers wandering around the flower market not knowing what to get. Ahjumma had pulled him and asked him what he was looking for.
"I want to give flowers to an artist, they just got the highest grade in their class. They're exhibiting their work today," he had said, almost panicking.
"Someone creative then, you should give then dahlias. They're perfect, it's midsummer and I have the earliest blooms of dahlia."
When Jaehyun saw the arangement of dahlia's the woman made, he gasped. They were big blooms of cream and peach colored petals with a pink one in the middle of the bouquet. It was perfect.
Ten would smile as he touched the petals later.
"You know, pink dahlias are often given to feminine people."
"Fuck," Jaehyun cursed to himself. "I'm sorry, do you hate it? I can get you another one."
Ten's hold on the flowers became tighter.
"No, I love them. Do you know what they mean?"
Jaehyun shook his head. "The lady just said they meant strength and creativity, even dignity because they stand tall. They were pretty and thought they would suit you so I got them."
Ten hummed. "She was right. She missed one meaning though."
"What?"
Ten smiled, a bit of his tongue caught between his teeth and his eyes sparkling in joy.
"Commitment."
Jaehyun blushed deeply at the word. They had gone to a total of two dates, three if you would count that one time he accompanied Ten to the art store then the coffee shop beside it. He had wanted Ten to be his boyfriend the moment he saw him sitting in a corner in the library.
"Well? Aren't you gonna ask?" he says and Jaehyun almost chokes at nothing.
"Ask what?" he replied, face still burning.
"Oh God," Ten exhaled before putting the dahlias on the table where his sculpture was propped on. "Fuck it," he whispered before pulling Jaehyun by the neck for a kiss. It took a moment for Jaehyun to kiss back, his hand slipping to the other's hips. Had it lasted a second longer, Jaehyun would've moaned at the middle of the university gymnasium where the exhibit was being held.
Ten was still holding him in place so they could meet eye to eye.
"You're my boyfriend now."
Jaehyun smiled," I meant to ask later tonight, preferably after dinner and on the rooftop of my apartment building. But this works, too," he leave a quick kiss at Ten's cheeks, "boyfriend."
----
Dahlias that bloomed midsummer to late autumn meant strength, creativity, and dignity. They also mean committment, undying love, and unsevered bond. The blue ones in particular mean new beginnings and changes bound to happen.
It's so ill-fitting.
By tommorow, Jaehyun is bound to start again, this time without Ten by his side to remind him of the kindness and beauty the human body possesses. He's about to turn to another chapter of his life, one starkingly less colorful than the one he just ended because it doesn't have a certain person in it.
By tomorrow, the flower will probably fully bloom and Jaehyun hopes it will bloom beautifully as it's the only reminder that Ten left him of his love and theirs was beautiful. It turned sour and bitter and sick and gross in the end but it was still beautiful no matter how they ended, no matter how ugly the period had bled through the paper at the end of the sentence.
He takes the flower and steps outside too, a late summer rain has poured over the city, a promise of the wet wet cold autumn days bound to start. Jaehyun cries on the shed, the tears that never flowed for seven weeks is finally flowing, finally streaming down his cheeks, flooding his being with salt water as he tries to drown on the grief of losing the one he thought he would watch the world's end with.
It's heavy and his chest feels as though it's caving in that he can't help but grip his shirt in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain. It's as heavy as the down pour of the rain, so loud Jaehyun hopes it drowns out his cries.
It does not.
Still, he cries and he cries like a child who can't find his way home because he carelessly ran away.
He would feel the shame of crying in a shed with so many people to watch him hit his rock bottom but he can't find enough shit to care.
He just lost the love of his life and the exhaustion of his work, his studies, and his pain finally broke free. He cries and cries until the rain finally slows to a pitter patter and the last bus finally arrives.
He hiccups as he climbs the bus, the single dahlia in his grip, his jacket left on the bench under the bus. He couldn't sum up the courage to go take it back because the person that gave it to him isn't coming back. His cheeks had been rubbed raw and his eyes hurt. His throat is dry and he can feel the exhaustion seep into his bones.
He sits on the bus and watches as the lights of Seoul flash before him. It offers a bit of comfort to him because the thousand lights mean he's not the only one awake at that hour.
Among that thousand lights, Ten is one if them wherever he is, working, surviving, living.
Jaehyun breathes.
He hopes Ten finds the satisfaction he has been looking for so long.
And he hopes Ten is hoping for Jaehyun's, too.