Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lexa doesn't want to be here. Raven insisted for her to come, and since she kept refusing, she literally dragged her to the party. Now, Raven is making out somewhere with some random guy, and Lexa is left alone. Well, alone is not exactly the right word to describe her situation. She is surrounded by sweaty people frenetically dancing to the loud thump resonating in the house. They keep bumping into her, and Lexa is getting really annoyed.

She does not want to be here.

The thing is she can’t leave. Not until Raven comes back, that is. The two roommates live on the other side of the city, and Lexa can’t afford a cab for the whole way back there. She is stuck. And Raven has disappeared.

Lexa sighs. She really, really doesn't want to be here.

A drunken boy suddenly appears next to her, a glass in each hand. He scoots inappropriately close to her and Lexa wants to punch his smug little smile away.

“Hi”, he slurs, waggling his eyebrows. “You seemed very lonely so I thought I would bring you a drink.“

Lexa clenches her jaw.

“Not much of a talker, uh? No problem. We can do other things.” Lexa resists the urge to shove her fist into his mouth. “Do you want to dance?” The boy murmurs seductively.

The girl rolls her eyes. “No.”

“Are you sure? We could – oops.” He loses his balance and trips forward, spilling one of his drinks on the girl’s brand new shirt. Lexa’s eyes open wide as she feels the cold beer on her skin, and the boy bites his lip, ashamed. “I’m really sorry, it was an accident.”

Lexa closes her eyes, takes a huge breath and pushes the boy away. She quickly sneaks her way through the crowd towards the bathroom. What a fucking great idea to take me to this party, Raven, really, thank you. She pushes the door open and walks to the sink, grumbling. Her new shirt is ruined. She turns on the tap, grabs a few paper towels, wets them and starts rubbing on the stained cloth.

Amazing. Now half of her shirt is drenched, and she is going to freeze to death.

She suddenly hears a sniffing sound holds her breath. “Hello?” She asks.

Another sniff. Exhaling slowly, Lexa turns around; she pulls the shower curtain open and her mouth hangs open at the sight in front of her. A girl, who seems to be the same age as her, is lying in the bathtub, curved into a ball. She is holding her knees together, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her face is all red and puffy, and her bottom lip is quivering. 

To be perfectly clear, Lexa doesn't want to deal with a crying girl right now. She even considers leaving the room and drowning herself in alcohol, but then the girl lets out a quiet sob that leaves a pang in her chest and she can’t bring herself to go.

She carefully kneels in front of the tub. “Hey there.” She whispers. “You okay?” This is the dumbest question ever, because the girl is clearly everything but okay right now, but she has to start somewhere.

The blonde shakes her head and Lexa sighs. “Alright. Do you want to talk about it?”

Once again, the girl shakes her head, a bit more violently this time, and she almost hits her head against the side of the tub.

 “What’s your name?” Lexa asks softly.

“Clarke.” The girl’s voice is husky and broken.

“Okay, Clarke. How about I get you out of this tub?”

The blonde says nothing for a moment, but then she nods. Lexa scoops her arms around her and helps her sit up. She takes another towel and wipes dried tears on the girl’s cheeks, before taking her hands and helping her stand. Clarke’s legs shake slightly when she steps over the bathtub’s side, and Lexa guesses she's had a few drinks.

“Alright.” She repeats once the blonde is standing on the carpet. “Do you have friends here with you?” Clarke remains silent. “I take that as a no. Do you live far from here?”

Clarke looks at her feet, sniffing. “Not really.”

That’s a start. “Do you want me to call a cab for you?” Lexa asks quietly. The blonde nods. “Okay. Come with me.”

She puts an arm around her shoulders and leads the girl out of the bathroom. She notices how Clarke’s face scrunches up when the music gets louder, and she worries she might start crying again. Tightening her hold around her, she carefully walks through the dancing crowd, making sure Clarke doesn't crash into anyone. They finally make it out of the house and Lexa leads the blonde to a bench. She pulls her phone out of her jeans pocket and calls a taxi, hoping she has enough money for the girl’s ride home. She can’t believe she is doing this. If Raven were here, she would probably think someone took control her her body.

"Your cab will be here in a few minutes." She tells Clarke as she hangs up her phone. The blonde doesn't say anything, she just nods slowly. Lexa can see new tears beginning to form in her eyes and she purses her lips. "I'm going to stay with you until then." She adds, sitting next to her.

The two girls fall into a comfortable silence. Every now and then, Lexa glances at the girl to make sure she is not crying. Clarke still stares at her feet, her hands tugged under her thighs. Suddenly, Lexa hears the blonde’s breathing getting more and more ragged and she sees Clarke’s face crumble. Oh no. 

Clarke lets out a sob. "Finn."

What?

"Who's Finn?" Lexa frowns.

Clarke looks at her then, and Lexa swears she feels her heart shatter. The blonde's eyes are glistening with tears and she has a slight pout on her face, her bottom lip trembling.

"He was my boyfriend." She murmurs, blinking. "He cheated on me yesterday."

"Oh." Lexa is not mentally equipped to play couple counselor right now. She has not been in a relationship in forever, and frankly, she doesn't care. She is too busy with school for that.

"I thought coming to this party would make me feel better." Clarke continues, fumbling with her fingers. "But I think I drank a lot of vodka and now I'm sad because I used to drink vodka with Finn."

Lexa sighs and scoots closer to Clarke who is holding her knees to her chest again. She reaches out and awkwardly pats her back. "There, there." Clarke suddenly throws her arms around Lexa who freezes. She feels her damp face on the skin of her shoulder.

"You're really kind." Clarke mumbles brokenly in her neck. Lexa doesn't say anything and keeps rubbing the blonde's back.

They stay like this until Lexa spots the cab turning around the corner. She breaks the hug and takes a few bills out of her pocket, handing them to Clarke who furrows her brow.

"Here. For the taxi. Take it." She insists when Clarke opens her mouth to refuse the money. "Let me see your phone."

Clarke hands it to her, confusion written all over her puffy face. Lexa quickly types something before putting it back in the girl's hand.

"I wrote my number in the notes." She explains. "Send me a text when you're home, okay? So I know you got back safely."

Clarke nods, sniffing, and Lexa smiles. She helps her get to her feet and opens the door of the cab which just pulled over. The blonde gets in and Lexa takes a step back, watching as the car drives away.

She stays like this for a moment, standing alone in the middle of the street, before shaking her head and going back inside the house.

She deserves a drink.

*****

Half an hour later, she is lying on a couch, her fingers tapping against the cushions, marking the rythm of the blasting music resonating around her. She feels her phone vibrate against her thigh and checks her messages.

i'm home

Lexa smiles. It’s from an anonymous number, but she knows who it is.

Okay. Good night, Clarke. 

She puts her phone back in her pocket and sighs, closing her eyes.

 *****

When Lexa wakes up the next morning, she has her face squashed into her pillow. Her head is throbbing and it's physically painful for her to get out of bed. She can't remember the last time she's had so little sleep.

She and Raven only left the party around 4AM, and she is really, really tired. She decides she will never trust her roommate again.

Lexa steps into the kitchen, rubbing her head. Raven is already sitting at the counter, eating cereals. She smiles wide when she spots Lexa.

"Hey loser! Did you sleep okay?"

Lexa holds up her finger, shutting her eyes. "I am not speaking with you right now."

"You have the shittiest face ever."  Raven smirks. "How much did you drink last night?"

Lexa pours herself a glass of water. "Only two shots."

Her roommate stares at her, eyebrows raised. "Your game is weak."

"I didn't even want to come in the first place. You dragged me to this party."

"You need to socialize, Lexa. You're always stuck here or at school, and you don't have any friends."

Lexa glares at her. "I have friends." She puts two painkillers in her mouth and swallows them with water.

Raven chuckles, shaking her head. Okay, maybe she is right; Lexa doesn't have many acquaintances. But she doesn't care. Being alone is not a problem for her.

"I'm going back to my room." She grumbles, walking past her roommate who laughs quietly.

After having taken a shower, Lexa puts on sport pants and an old tank top. She ties her hair up in a messy ponytail, not bothering to take a look at herself in the mirror. She knows she looks like a mess.

But as Raven pointed it out, Lexa is not planning on going out.

She sits at her desk and starts studying. She has exams coming up, and even though her roommate keeps telling her that she could get a perfect score with her eyes closed, Lexa can't risk anything. She ignores her headache and buries herself in her textbook.

An hour later, a loud buzzing makes her jump. Lexa sighs: she forgot to turn off her phone. Putting her pen down on her book, she checks the new text she just received. It’s from Clarke.

hey :) i never properly thanked you for 
taking care of me last night, and for the 
money you gave me for the cab. i can 
pay you back, if you want? my memory's 
kinda blurry and i don't remember 
everything that happened, so i hope i 
didn't puke on you or anything (i've done 
this before, i’m not proud). 
anyway, thanks a lot :)

 
Lexa smiles.

You're welcome, I'm glad you got back 
safely. And don't worry; you did not throw 
up on me. As for the money, it's not an 
issue. You don't need to pay me back.

She hits send and stares at the screen, pursing her lips. After a few seconds, she quickly types another question.

Are you feeling better?

It only takes twenty seconds for the blonde to reply.

are you sure? wow okay thank you so much.

and um... not really.

Lexa frowns.

I'm sorry to hear that you are not well.

Her phone buzzes a few seconds later.

thank you. anyway, i don't wanna bother you any longer. take care, stranger.

It’s Lexa.

:) have a good day, Lexa, thanks for everything.

You too, Clarke.

*****

The rest of the day passes in a blur. Lexa spends her afternoon studying, only leaving her room to use the bathroom. She knows she puts herself under way too much pressure, but she will deal with that after her exams. Around 7PM, she finally closes her textbook and stretches. It’s almost dark outside, and her stomach starts rumbling. She walks to the living room and finds a note on the coffee table.

I'm going to Max's. There is Chinese takeout for you on the counter. See ya :)

- Raven

Lexa smiles. She is thankful for her roommate to always take care of her when she is drowning in college work. She is also very glad to know that she is at "Max's" (who she assumes is the lucky gentleman Raven's lips spent the entire party locked with the night before). Lexa deserves a nice, quiet evening, and her wish is finally granted. She takes the takeouts bags from the kitchen counter and settles in the couch. She turns on the TV, grabs her chopsticks and savors her noodles, absently following the events of the movie playing in front of her. After dinner, Lexa feels herself dozing off. The buzzing of her phone pulls her out of somnolence.

hey, it’s me again. sorry to bother you,
i’m just not feeling really good right now 
and i didn’t know who to text.

The phone vibrates again.

sorry that was dumb. don’t answer this.

You’re not bothering me, Clarke. Do you 
want to talk about it?

no because i’m going to cry and i don’t want 
to cry. tell me about your day instead.

Lexa looks at her phone with a pained expression. She remembers Clarke’s face the night before, the tears dripping from her eyes and the way her bottom lip kept trembling. 

My day was not very exciting. I studied 
all afternoon. I’ve just finished dinner.

what do you study?

what did you eat?

sorry. i sound like a creep.

It’s alright. I’m a law student. As for 
dinner, my roommate left Chinese 
food for me.

Lexa snorts as she read Clarke's reply.

i can’t eat with chopsticks.

It’s not that hard.

it really is.

You can always eat with your hands.

i know, i do that all the time. i was 
banned from a restaurant once.

hey, thank you.

She frowns.

What are you thanking me for?

talking to me. you don’t know me but 
you show more interest than any of 
my friends, so thank you.

Lexa feels the sudden urge to hug Clarke and never let go, and that thought scares her. She is not the kind of person to show any sign of affection towards another human being.

But Clarke is hurting, and somehow, it makes Lexa sad. 

You’re welcome, Clarke. I appreciate talking with you.

She means it.

*****

The following week, as usual, Lexa goes to her human rights class and she sits in one of the middle rows of the lecture hall. She takes a few sheets of paper and a pen out of her bag, and, as usual, she sits upright, jaw tightly clenched as she listens to the teacher.

But today, and that’s unusual, Lexa has trouble concentrating. She keeps glancing at her phone. She wonders how Clarke is doing. If she is still sad. If her friends spend time with her to make her feel better.

She takes a big breath and shakes her head. Focus, Lexa. She returns her attention to the teacher, but he has moved on to another topic now and Lexa is completely lost. She bites her lip, staring at her phone. Fuck it.

Hello, Clarke. How are you?

It takes a few minutes for the phone to buzz.

your text made me less sad. 

Lexa feels a jolt in her stomach.

I’m glad.

what are you doing?

I’m in class. And you?

in bed. i don’t want to get up.

Lexa is about to reply when she receives another message and it feels like someone is plunging a knife into her heart.

i can’t stop crying Lexa.

i try, but it won’t stop, and i’m hurt 
and i want to scream.

She wishes she could help Clarke. She wishes she had the ability to comfort people. But she doesn't know how to do that, so instead she just writes:

I’m sorry, Clarke. I wish I could make 
you feel better, but I don’t know how.

She bites her lip.

I’m not really good with people.

Lexa doesn't expect the blonde to reply. But she does, and it is not what she thought it would be.

tell me a joke.

Lexa stares dumbly at her screen. A joke. She doesn't know any joke. She's never liked jokes. She thinks they are a waste of time. Raven is the one who tells jokes all the time. Lexa never laughs.

But she needs to remember at least one. For Clarke.

What is a zero wearing a belt?

oh my god are you being serious 
right now?

Lexa frowns.

Is the joke not to your liking?

you said the punchline, dumbass. 
the actual joke is “what is an eight?  

Oh.

i’m laughing so hard oh my god.

Lexa beams as she reads the text and she tries to imagine the sound of Clarke’s laugh. She is sure it is the most beautiful thing ever. 

I will try to find more jokes for you.

thank you Lexa.

*****

A few days later, Lexa walks into the kitchen. Raven is sitting behind the counter, her headphones on, and she bobs her head up and down to the sound of her music as she types on her laptop. Lexa stands in front of her.

“Raven.” The girl does not show any sign of reaction. “Raven!” she repeats, louder this time. Raven tears her eyes away from her computer screen and takes her headphones off.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you. What’s up?” She asks as she closes her laptop.

Lexa clenches her jaw and averts her eyes. “I need a favor.”

“Alright, bring it.”

“I want you to tell me jokes.”

Raven stares at her for a moment, her mouth hanging open, before bursting out laughing.

Lexa ignores the deep shade of red creeping her way along the back of her neck. She already regrets her decision. Why did she ask Raven? She should have googled “shitty jokes” on the Internet, it would have spared her from the incredible embarrassment she is feeling right now.

“I’m sorry.” Raven giggles, wiping a tear. “But what the fuck is that about? You? Asking for jokes?”

"Forget it." Lexa mumbles as she turns around. Raven must've seen the disappointment in her eyes because she stands up and grabs her arm. "No, wait. I'm sorry."

Lexa clenches her jaw and eyes her roommate.

"You have to understand my reaction." Raven continues, poking Lexa's side. "Humans love jokes. And you're not exactly human."

Lexa cracks a smile. Raven looks at her for a moment before crossing her arms.

"How does the frog die?" She asks, a serious expression on her face. Lexa shrugs and Raven gapes. "He kermit suicide."

Lexa blinks and stares blankly at her.

"Kermit. Kermit the frog." Raven repeats, furrowing her brow. "He commits suicide. Kermit."

"I got it."

Raven shakes her head. "Why do you want me to tell jokes if you don't even laugh?"

Lexa sighs. "Just... please, Raven."

Her roommate looks at her for a moment before nodding. "Okay."

*****

Lexa sends her a new joke everyday.

Knock knock.

...who's there?

Daisy.

Daisy who?

Daisy me rollin', they hatin'...

wow. i’m impressed.

I hope you mean that. I spent the
entire week looking for jokes.
And I had to google this one to
understand it.

that's incredibly sweet.

Lexa blushes. Clarke sends another text.

but the fact that you don’t know that song
is outrageous. it’s legendary.

I prefer actual legends such as The Cure
or The Police.

you’re a nanny.

Fine. Bye, Clarke.

Lexa smirks as she hits send and puts her phone down on the kitchen counter. She glances at the clock above the oven. Raven should come back from her jogging in twenty minutes, which means that Lexa has time to take a shower before she gets home. She learned to anticipate the day she allowed Raven to use the bathroom before her. It was a beautiful mistake. The only water left after that was icy cold, and since it was during winter, Lexa got sick. She isn't one to be fooled twice, which is why she quickly makes her way to the bathroom.

"What's up with your phone, Lex'?" Raven asks as Lexa walks into the kitchen half an hour later, her wet hair wrapped in a towel. "It won't stop buzzing."

Lexa unlocks her screen and widens her eyes when she sees that she has nine new messages, all of them from Clarke.

no wait come back i'm sorry.

Lexa?

are you mad at me?

please don't be mad i was kidding.

you're not a nanny. you're a wonderful
young woman and your taste in
music is amazing.

Lexa i'm sorry.

come back i want another joke.

i even learned how to use chopsticks.
just for you.

The last message is a picture. Lexa clicks on the link, waiting for it to load, and when it does her face breaks into a smile.

Clarke is looking at her through the screen. She is holding chopsticks in her left hand, and noodles are hanging from her mouth and dripping on her chin. She has the goofiest smile ever and Lexa can't help but stare at her eyes. They are not grey and dull like the night they first met, but now shine with an intense blue that reminds Lexa of the sea.

"Wow. Who's that?"

Lexa jumps and presses her phone to her chest, keeping it out of Raven's sight who is peeking over her shoulder.

"No one." Lexa says quickly.

"You literally stared at that picture for about a minute and a half. It's obviously someone important."

"No, it's not."

"Is that the person who has sent you over a billion texts in the last twenty minutes?"

Lexa remains silent, clenching her jaw. She doesn't want to discuss any of this with Raven. Once the girl knows something, she never forgets.

Raven crosses her arms and smirks. "Did you bully that girl into sending you a thousand messages just to convince me that you had friends?"

Lexa blinks at her. What a bitch. "Shut up, Raven." She grumbles as she walks past her.

"Later, babe!" She hears her yell from the kitchen.

Lexa sits on her bed and types a new text.

I'm so sorry, Clarke, I went to take a shower. 
And then my roommate started pissing me 
off. I wasn't ignoring you, I promise.

A few seconds later, her phone buzzes again and she sighs in relief.

PHEW THANK GOD. i really thought you were mad.

why was your roommate pissing you off?

do you want me to punch her?

Lexa chuckles.

Don't worry. Raven's really nice, she just 
likes making fun of me for not having any 
friends. She says I'm not human.

but you're my friend, Lexa.

Lexa reads the text and she swears she can feel butterflies in her stomach. Her heart bangs against her chest as she types her reply.

This is the first time someone says 
that to me. Thank you, Clarke.

duh, you're awesome.

did you get my picture?

with the chopsticks?

Yes, I did. See, I told you. Eating like 
a proper lady was not so difficult, after all.

are we just gonna ignore the fact that 
noodles are dripping from my mouth or...? 
i mean i know you find it sexy but still.

Lexa snorts.

It is indeed very attractive.

i knew it ;)

i would say the same thing about you 
but i don't really remember how you look.

i drank too much that night. i just know 
you have long hair. and soft skin.

I'm hurt, Clarke. My face is not something 
one forgets.

sorry :( you should probably send me a 
picture so i never forget again.

maybe.

probably.

Lexa feels herself blushing. Is Clarke... flirting?

What do I get in return?

compliments.

Fine.

Lexa checks her reflection in the mirror on her left. She brushes a few strands of hair off her face and tries to smile. She sighs. She could look better. But then she remembers Clarke's picture and her noodles on her chin, and how it doesn't keep her from finding it perfect.

Her current face will do.

She raises her phone and curves the side of her lip, taking the picture, before sending it to Clarke.

wow. you have really beautiful eyes. 
i didn't remember them being so pretty.

Lexa blushes.

Thank you, Clarke.

i'm giving you a 6/10.

Lexa giggles, her hand over her mouth.

okay, maybe a 7.

who am i kidding you 
deserve a 11/10.

Very smooth.

i try.

*****

A week later, Lexa is lying on the sofa, her legs over Raven's as the two watch a movie. While her roommate seems more than interested in the film playing in front of them (she keeps yelling things like "get out of the house you fucking turnip, you don't hide in a closet when there's a monster in the basement" or "why don't you just go hug the killer and make things easier for him"), Lexa is pretty bored. She is not a fan of movies in general. She prefers watching Raven scream insanities at the TV, it is far more amusing.

As a shadow runs after the main character of the movie, Lexa hears a buzzing sound on the coffee table. Raven leans over and smirks.

"It's your chopsticks girl." She says as she sees the picture on the screen. "She's calling."

Lexa jolts up. "What?" She quickly takes the phone and sees Clarke's goofy smile and her eyes staring up at her.

Okay. Deep breaths.

"Clarke?"

"Hey." Her voice is quiet. "Am I bothering you?"

"No, not at all. Are you okay?" Lexa asks. She stands up and Raven eyes her suspiciously.

"I'm fine. Can we talk for a little bit?"

"Of course." Lexa nods as she walks out of the room, ignoring Raven as she mumbles something that sounds a lot like "It's nice to watch movies with you." Lexa closes the door of her room and sits on the bed. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know." Clarke murmurs with a dull voice. "What did you do today?"

"I went to class and watched a movie with Raven. What about you?"

"Not much."

Lexa frowns. "Are you sure you're okay, Clarke?" The girl doesn't reply. "Hello?"

"Finn called today."

"Oh." Lexa breathes.

"He wanted to apologize."

"What did he say?"

Lexa hears a sniff on the other end and it is like someone is squeezing her heart.

"He kept saying that he was sorry." Clarke murmurs. "And that he loved me and that he shouldn't have done that."

Lexa bites her lip. "Do you love him?"

Silence. And then, after a few seconds.

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving him."

Lexa tries to ignore the lump suddenly forming in her throat as she lies down on the bed. There is a pain growing in her chest.

"Okay." She says.

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving him," Clarke repeats, "but I can't get back together with him. I told him to go fuck himself."

Lexa blinks slowly.

"How do you feel?" She asks.

"I feel... sad, but liberated. Kind of."

Lexa nods. "That's good."

They remain quiet and Lexa stares at the ceiling. Clarke breaks the silence after a few seconds.

"Have you ever been hurt by someone you loved, Lexa?"

She swallows hard. "I have."

"Can you tell me?" Clarke asks, her voice barely even a whisper.

Lexa takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

"When I was a kid, my parents got divorced. It was really bad. They had gotten to the point where they couldn't even look at each other without picking a fight. Sometimes, they argued about me. When it happened, I hid in the bathroom. I felt terrible. After the divorce, my mother moved to the other side of the country, and both of them gave me an ultimatum. I had to choose to live with one of them and never see the other again."

Lexa feels tears burning her eyes. On the other end, she hears Clarke's steady breathing. She listens to it for a few seconds, her eyes shut.

"I chose my dad." She whispers. "Before I left, my mother made sure to remind me that she would never accept to see me again. I haven't spoken to her since that day."

"How old were you?" Clarke asks softly.

"Seven."

"I'm so sorry, Lexa."

"It's the first time I talk about it." Lexa realizes after a few seconds. It feels weird, like someone took a weight off her shoulders.

"Really?"

"As I told you, I don't have many friends."

"Well, I'm here now." Lexa can hear the smile in Clarke's voice. "You can tell me about anything."

"You can tell me about anything too."

They talk until sunrise. 

*****

It's a habit now. Lexa texts Clarke every day. Sometimes, it is Clarke who sends a message first. They talk about everything, from Lexa's studies to Clarke's passion for colours, from their respective childhoods to their biggest dreams, from the weather to the freaking stars. Lexa often feels overwhelmed. She's never had a friend like Clarke.

She's never had a friend at all.

All of this is new to her, but at the same time, Clarke feels like home. She makes her laugh, and Lexa doesn't laugh very often. She makes her heart beat faster, she makes her cheeks hurt from smiling too hard, she makes her happy.

If Raven were here, she would say that Clarke makes her human.

Lexa receives a text from the blonde during class.

hey. i have something for you.

What is it?

i'll send you a photo.

Lexa waits, tapping her pen against her desk. She freezes when she receives the picture.

It's a drawing. Of her. It seems to be based on the picture she had sent Clarke a few weeks ago, but Lexa sees differences. The shine in her eyes is brighter, she has a bigger smile, and her hair disappears in spirals towards the sides of the canvas.

Clarke, did you draw this?

yup. do you like it?

It is beyond amazing. You did 
not tell me you were an artist.

i thought about telling you, but 
i wanted this to be a surprise.

I love it, thank you so much. 
You are really talented.

i had a good model.

Lexa grins. Clarke always says things that make her heart stop for a few seconds.

I wish I could draw you too, 
but unfortunately, I am not skilled 
like you are.

you already offered me a thousand 
jokes. i'm spoiled.

I do my best to please you, Clarke.

Lexa opens the picture and stares at her own face once again. The drawing almost looks like it's alive. She tries to imagine Clarke as she mixes several greens together, trying to find the right shade for Lexa's eyes; the determined look on her face as she paints the waves of her hair; the way she pokes her tongue out whenever she focuses on the small details of her face.

"Woah." Raven breathes over her shoulder as she stares at the drawing on Lexa's phone. "Who did this?"

"You don't know her."

"Is this your mysterious chopsticks girl? The one you refuse to talk to me about?"

Lexa doesn't reply and Raven nods. "So it's her. She's super talented."

"Yeah. She is."

Raven crosses her arms and looks at her roommate, an eyebrow raised.

"Do you like her?"

"What?"

"I asked if you liked her, Lexa."

Lexa stays silent for a moment.

"She's just a friend." She says.

Because she is. Clarke is her friend. She even is her best friend. Lexa cares about her. Hell, she doesn’t think she has ever cared that much for anyone before. But it’s completely normal, that’s how best friends feel towards each other.

And yet, it feels wrong to say this.

Lexa realizes that a few days later, when Clarke calls her during lunch.

"Hello, Clarke." She says as she swallows a spoonful of yoghurt.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm good. I'm having lunch."

"Shit." The blonde says. "Do you want me to call you back?"

Lexa chuckles. "It's alright, Clarke. I'm nearly finished anyway."

"Oh, okay."

"So, why are you calling?" She chants. "Did you have something to tell me? Or do you just want to chat?"

Clarke waits a few seconds before answering. "Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Okay, what is it?"

She hears the blonde take a deep breath.

"I met someone. A girl."

Lexa's face falls.

Clarke continues. "She asked me out on a date. I said yes."

Silence.

"Lexa?"

"Yes, sorry, yes." She quickly says, swallowing hard. "It's great."

Clarke's voice sounds hopeful. "Yeah?"

Lexa nods, shutting her eyes. "I am glad you're moving on after Finn. What is her name?"

"Madison. I met her at an art gallery."

Of course. She likes art, just like Clarke. Lexa does not know anything about art.

"When is your date?"

"Tonight."

Lexa feels pain. Everywhere. In her head, in her eyes, in her throat, in her stomach.

In her heart.

"I wanted to tell you." Clarke says then. Her voice is quiet. "Because we tell each other everything, right?"

"Yes, we do."

Clarke's tentative voice is barely a whisper now. "We don't hide anything from each other, right?"

Lexa clenches her jaw, blinking away her tears.

"No, we don’t."

*****

Raven finds her sitting on the couch an hour later.

"Hey." She murmurs as she takes place next to her. "What's up?"

She sees the smudge of Lexa's make up around her eyes.

"Babe, is everything alright?" She asks, scooting closer, worry written all over her face. "What's the matter?"

Lexa keeps her eyes fixed on the floor. "You were right."

"Right about what?"

"Clarke."

Raven frowns. "Clarke? Who's Cla -" Realization hits her. "Is that the chopsticks girl?"

Lexa nods slightly. Raven puts her hand on her back.

"What happened?"

"She's going on a date." Lexa murmurs. "She's being happy. I want her to be happy."

"That's because you're a great friend, Lexa."

She turns her head and faces her roommate. "But I'm not happy anymore."

"Oh, Lex'." Raven's face saddens. "You really like her."

"I don't know how I feel anymore." Lexa whispers brokenly.

Her roommate crosses her legs on the couch and takes Lexa's hand between both of her palms.

"Does she make you smile?"

Lexa nods.

"Do you want to take care of her?"

She nods again.

"Do you want to kiss her?"

Lexa thinks about Clarke. She remembers the colour of her eyes, the length of her nose and the light shade of her skin tone. The softness of her hands, the way her hair cascades over her shoulders. She sees the curve of her mouth and the light mole above her top lip.

"Yes."

Raven smiles sadly.

"Do you feel butterflies in your stomach when you think about her? Does your heart beat very fast when she compliments you? Do you want to laugh uncontrollably when she talks to you? Do you think you might explode from all the things you're feeling?"

Lexa looks at her then. "Yes."

Raven nods, stroking her hand with her thumb. "I think you love her, Lexa."

"I think I do."

She feels it then. The lump in her throat grows bigger, and something rises from her stomach to her heart.

She bursts into tears.

Raven holds her until she falls asleep.

***** 

Lexa doesn't text Clarke the following morning.

She spends the day away from her phone. Raven lets her choose the movie, and she plays with Lexa's hair as the two are snuggled up on the couch. Lexa realizes that Raven is her friend, too. She has been for a really long time. For the first time, Lexa is glad she is not alone.

In the evening, when she goes to her room to change, she spots her phone on the desk. She stops and stares at it for a whole minute, before finally giving in. She has one new text from Clarke.

hey, how are you?

The message was sent early in the morning. Lexa immediately feels really bad for keeping her waiting all day. She lies:

I'm ill, sorry for not answering 
sooner.

oh, okay. get some rest.

That's it. The conversation ends here. Lexa stares at her screen, a pang in her chest. She wants to say something, she wants to tell her, "I'm sorry", "I love you.", but she doesn't. Instead, she puts her phone back on her desk and curves into a ball on her bed.

*****

They don't talk for a week.

Lexa pretends it's okay. But Raven sees the constant clench of her jaw, the remaining of tears on her cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes.

Lexa doesn't smile anymore.

From time to time, she wonders how Clarke's doing. She wonders if she misses her as much as Lexa does. Probably not. Clarke has a lot of friends. And she has Madison now.

Sometimes, Lexa's thumb hovers over Clarke's name on her phone. She wants to say something. Anything.

"I ate noodles today."

"Raven told me a joke, you would like it."

"I saw a man drawing in the streets; it made me think of you."

"I love you."

Lexa doesn't send anything.

Eleven days after their last conversation, Lexa hears a familiar buzzing sound.    

She is studying in the library, sipping iced tea, and she jumps when she sees her phone light up.

It's Clarke. As her heart hammers against her chest, she clicks on the text.

hey Lexa. i know we haven't talked 
in a while, but i miss you a lot. i don't 
know if you're mad at me or anything, 
but i was wondering if we could talk. 
like, face to face. i hope you'll 
consider it. have a good day <3

Lexa exhales slowly, her hands trembling slightly. Clarke doesn't hate her. She should. But she doesn't.

She wants to see her.

Lexa slowly types a reply.

Hi, Clarke. Yes, we can meet.

okay :) how about coffee tomorrow
afternoon?

That sounds good.

cool. i'll send you the address. 
have a nice day, Lexa.

You too, Clarke.

Lexa hits send a looks at her text. She quickly adds something.

I miss you too.

She puts her phone back on the table and lets out a shaky breath. She can do this. She has to put her own feelings aside and keep their friendship afloat, because Clarke is her friend before being anything else.

And she needs her friend right now.

 *****

"You're sure you want to do this?" Raven asks as her roommate opens to the door the next day.

Lexa nods firmly. "I want my friend back."

Raven looks at her for a moment. "Okay." She murmurs. "Call me if you need anything, yeah?"

Lexa gives her a small smile and walks out of the flat.

She exits the subway, a hand slightly raised over her face as the sunlight dazzles her. The bar is just outside the subway station, Clarke had sent her. Lexa looks around and she spots the small terrace on her left. It seems peaceful.

She sees a man reading his newspaper as he sips his coffee. There is also a couple staring lovingly at each other above the cocktail they seem to share. Behind them, a man is slumped on his chair. He's holding a glass of beer in one hand and the leash of his dog in the other. When Lexa finally notices Clarke, who is slightly hidden in the shadow of a parasol, her heartbeat quickens. The blonde lifts her eyes and grins, standing up. She walks towards her and envelops her in a hug. Lexa is slightly surprised, but she puts her hand on the small of her back, nuzzling into her shoulder.

"I'm glad you came." Clarke mutters in her neck, and it reminds Lexa of the first time she met the blonde. Clarke breaks the hug after a few seconds and gestures for her to sit at the table.

"It's nice." Lexa says, looking around her once she is settled on her chair. "This place is nice."

"Yeah. I come here often." Clarke smiles. "I thought you would like it."

Lexa nods. A waitress takes their orders and Clarke advises Lexa to choose the special coffee of the house. The woman brings them a few minutes later.

"So, how are you?" Lexa asks. She stares at a stain on the table. It’s pathetic. She can’t even look at her in the eye.

"I'm okay." Clarke says after a little silence. "I'm glad you came." She repeats. "I missed you."

Lexa swallows the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry I didn't text you."

"I didn't text you either." Clarke points out, shrugging slightly. "We're both to blame here."

Lexa looks at her then. Clarke's eyes are fixed on hers.

"How is college going?" The blonde asks with a shy smile, crossing her arms over the table.

"Good. We have a lot of work to do, but I think I'm finally ready for my exams."

"You'll be great."

Lexa relaxes a little."What about you? What are you doing these days?"

"I started selling my paintings." Clarke says a bit excitedly. "It's going great; I've already had a dozen of interested buyers."

"Clarke, that's amazing." Lexa breathes, wide eyed.  

"Thank you." The blonde fumbles with her cup. "Someone even wanted to buy the portrait I made of you. I told them this one wasn't for sale." She grabs something on the ground and hands a big crafted item to Lexa. "As I promised, it's yours. Don't open it now." She adds as Lexa goes to rip the paper. "It took me half an hour to wrap it."

Lexa puts the packet against the side of her chair and looks at Clarke. "Thank you."

They look at each other for a moment, and Lexa lowers her eyes, absent-mindedly grabbing her cup of coffee. She clears her throat.

"So... How did your date with Madison go?"

Clarke startles slightly, surprised.  "It was nice." She says softly, nodding.

Lexa's heart drops. She expected an answer like that, but it still hurts.

"We went on another date two days ago." Clarke adds quietly. "She took me to an Italian restaurant. It was great."

Lexa forces a smile, ignoring the ache in her chest. "How is she like?"

She doesn't want to know.

"Very kind. Funny. She smiles a lot."

Lexa wants to disappear."That's good." She whispers.

"I ended things with her, though." Clarke continues, distractedly scratching the table.

Lexa's eyes shoot up. What?

"I don't think I was very interested in her." The blonde murmurs.

Lexa stares at her. Clarke raises a finger and pulls her phone out of her pocket. "Sorry." She says apologetically. "I have to answer this."

Lexa nods as Clarke starts typing on her phone.

The blonde's revelation makes her feel... lighter. She almost scolds herself for taking joy in the failing of her friend's relationship. But she can't help it.

Lexa suddenly feels her phone buzzing against her thigh. She frowns as she takes it out, and sees that she has a new text.

From Clarke.

She looks up. Clarke has her eyes fixed on her lap. She opens the message and her heart stops.

i think i love you.

Lexa lets out a breath. She glances at the blonde who still hasn't moved. As her heart starts pouding again, she continues to read.

i probably shouldn't say this over a 
simple message but texting is important 
when it comes to you. it represents us. 
each morning this past week i woke up 
and there was no new message from you 
and i felt lost and sad and it was like 
someone was squeezing my heart so 
hard that it made me cry.
i don't know where this leaves us. 
i don't even know if this leaves us anywhere. 
but i can’t just pretend like i don't feel 
anything for you because we're friends 
and friends tell each other everything right? 
we said that once. 
i hope you're not mad.

Lexa feels the sting of tears and she squeezes her eyes shut. She allows them to roll down her cheeks for a few seconds before wiping them and lifting her head.

Clarke look like she is about to run away. She is biting her nails and gripping the side of her chair with her other hand.

"Clarke." Lexa's voice is hoarse. "Clarke, look at me."

The blonde takes a tentative glance at her. Lexa leans over, grabs her hand on the table and laces their fingers together. Clarke tightens her grip as she locks her eyes with her, and Lexa exhales.

She has never felt anything like this before. She feels invincible. She wants to cover Clarke with flowers, she wants to put her arms around her and never let her go, she wants to kiss her, kiss every inch of her body, she wants to smile so hard her face will break.

She wants to scream.

But instead, she whispers.

"I think I love you too."