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George isn’t quite sure when it started. Maybe it’s been his whole life. He has memories of his parents frustration over his disinterest in anything other than grapes and chicken nugget meals, his friends laughing over his daily lunch of a plain ham sandwich with no crusts, and his sisters taunting over his childish need for his foods to be served separately.
As he grew older it became less of an issue. Well, arguably it became more of an issue, but George just learned how to handle it.
It was hard whilst living with his family, they noticed everything and would grow frustrated and concerned when George grew more and more absent at meal times. It wasn’t that he was avoiding eating, he was fine with eating. He was avoiding the uncomfortable stares and the frustration of having to, yet again, explain that “I’ll just make my own food tonight, thank you though” “Are you sure? We made plenty of chicken, there will be loads of leftovers” I can’t have chicken that’s breaded like that, the breading always falls off and it makes my stomach scream- “It’s really fine” “George-“ “It’s fine”.
It was even harder while he was still in school. The stress of his classes and the pressure to do well seemed to exacerbate and worsen George’s issues with food. Foods that once felt safe suddenly seemed repulsive and times like exam weeks would leave him only able to consume apple slices and water.
So maybe it was more of an issue.
Once he’s moved house and had a flat of his own things became easier. He had significantly less stressors in his life. He was able to control what was in his cupboards and fridge. He had control over how his food was prepared and served. He could have the same safe meal three times a day if he wanted without the stress of being judged by outside eyes.
The only time that George felt like his relationship with food was difficult to handle was when he travelled. He had less control over where and what he could eat. He became the master of convincing people to go to McDonalds for meals — because chicken nuggets and apple slices were almost always the same and almost always safe — instead of trying local cuisine.
Luckily — okay maybe not luckily — 2020 rolled around and George found himself traveling far less, that is to say, not at all.
While 2020 initially brought some much appreciated routine and stability to George’s eating habits, the incredibly fast rise of his youtube career became a stressor much larger than he had every dealt with before. His weekly grocery order was slowly becoming smaller and smaller as his subscriber count grew higher and higher.
His nights became filled with discord calls and apple slices until even the apple slices were sometimes too mealy for him to choke down.
His friends didn’t seem to question his strange diet. They were streamers and barely-out-of-adolescence boys: none of them were exceptionally good at feeding themselves. Late night calls and movie nights often were filled with Pizza and take out and devouring as much food as possible after streaming for 8 hours. George’s apple slices and almost nightly happy meals didn’t seem out of the ordinary.
Sure, he experienced some physical effects from his lack of appetite, but George’s constant sleepiness and bone deep chill was written off as a personality quirk with the help of chat, and George was more than willing to play into that narrative. It was easier to let himself believe that he didn’t have a problem than to acknowledge it.
——
2021 had been one of the hardest years of his life. The visa process was tiring and he found that he had less energy for streaming, filming, and editing as the year progressed. With every denial and every resubmission of his visa, George found himself falling deeper and deeper into his food avoidance.
He couldn’t quite pinpoint the time when things got really bad, but it must have been sometime after the third denial. Food tasted like ash in his mouth and felt like tar. His apple slices were sand rubbing against his tongue, get stuck at the back of his throat causing him to gag uncontrollably.
Eventually, George became so tired of nights spent hunched over a toilet and meal times spent just hoping that he could choke something down that he decided it was easier to just… not. eat.
He knew this wasn’t healthy. He knew that he needed to eat, that his body was deteriorating, and that his sleepiness and inability to stay warm was a result of his own avoidance. But it was easier than the alternative. Wearing another hoodie and being the butt of “sleeping through another lore stream?” jokes was infinitely easier to handle, he decided.
The day George’s visa got approved was the happiest he’s felt in months. He called Dream and Sapnap immediately to share the good news and to plan out exactly when George would be flying out to Florida. The day George’s visa got approved was the first day in months that he was able to eat apple slices without them feeling like tar dripping down his throat.