Work Text:
Everything hurts.
His legs hurt. His arms hurt. His hips hurt. Hell he could even feel pain in his nose! Point was, he felt dead. He might as well be dead instead sitting here and wallowing in his own pain. And as for the cause of all this pain?
Well, he just had his first live performance with everyone the other night. It was a magical experience that made all the pain he has now a thousand percent worth it. He would trade anything and everything to experience that night all over again. To sing on stage with all the Holostars members was a dream come true. The adrenaline rush brought him to a high he never experienced before.
If he could do it all over again, he would. Even if it meant he would feel like garbage again.
Of course this wasn’t the only reason he’s feeling miserable.
If it wasn’t his body, it was certainly his heart. He’s pretty sure his heartache surpasses the physical pain of his body. Because at least, he can recover from the intensity of the live. That much he can do. And he’ll be able to do that soon enough.
What he can’t recover from was his best friend breaking his heart.
Of course he’s been let down in the past. But somehow now, it hurt more than it should have. It shouldn’t have hurt like this. It shouldn’t have led to what happened. Even he thinks it’s quite dumb that things ended like that despite him being the one to throw the towel in. But it didn’t matter who threw it first, the point was, what they had was over. It was brief, but it was just long enough for him to think there was a future. Of course that future came crashing down in an instant.
It had happened a month ago and he hadn’t had time to properly mourn until now. For once he was mildly thankful the dance practice kept his mind off of it. But now that everything was done, it was the only thing on his mind.
What had happened was incredibly stupid. Even for their standards it was dumb. But it didn’t matter because somehow it hurt like a bitch and everything that transpired afterwards just sealed the deal.
He’ll admit. It was his fault at first. He promised a collab with him only to turn around last minute because he already had plans . What he didn’t realize at the time was how dramatic he would end up being about it. He felt bad, but upon learning of the result he could only respond with “Why”?
Then came the song betrayal, to say the least, he’s still upset about it.
They were supposed to sing together. It was something they agreed upon when they were planning out their second anniversary.
Then he comes up one day saying he can’t do it with him anyway and decides he’ll go solo.
At first he was just a tad bit upset. Because it was natural to feel upset when your lover’s back gets turned on you.
When he was properly confronted about it, he had attempted to soothe his way out of it. Unfortunately, he was too upset by the matter to actually care. Then it somehow spiraled into a heated argument about communication and it ended with him kicking the other out of the apartment.
He remembers clearly telling the blond, “We’re done.” In a quiet, stern tone before shutting the door. He remembers the blond banging on the door. Yelling at him to think it through again and maybe change his mind. He remembers him begging to give it another chance. Asking to let him in so they could properly work it out. He remembers the sound of him dropping to the floor, sobbing, placing his hand on the door, asking what he could do to make it work. He remembers not answering, not giving in to the demands.
He remembers Temma whispering, “I really like you, Miyabi. I’m sorry.” Before eventually leaving and the soft sound of footsteps tapping away in the distance.
The effects of his words didn’t hit him. Not at the time at least. Given the timing he really couldn’t be bothered to give it much thought.
That was how he got through hanging out with him for weeks after because it never fully processed for him what had happened. For a moment in time, his heart had hardened up to any emotional moves from Temma and he carried on with life.
It all seemed normal, in his view, until he was reminded of it as soon as his mind cleared up.
He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t scream. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t. So he’s been here sulking over an idiot, like an idiot. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t care. It was over. He shouldn’t have gotten worked up over something that was doomed to fail in the first place. He was only optimistic because Temma was optimistic. And for a while he saw why. But of course it went away as soon as everything fell apart.
As he shifted his position in bed, he heard the door to his room open. At first he thought it was just his brother bringing meds again so he buried his face into the covers and waited for him to leave. But he heard a plastic bag being set down and there seemed to be no sign of him leaving. So at that moment he lifted his covers and was greeted with a familiar pair of white pants.
He felt his face turn white as he quickly shifted to face the wall.
If I don’t talk, he’ll leave. If I don’t talk, he’ll leave. If I don’t talk, he’ll leave. If I don’t talk, he’ll leave. If I don’t- His panicked train of thoughts was interrupted by a certain someone sitting on the edge of the bed. He froze instantly and couldn’t force himself to do anything. So he impatiently waited for the blond to leave. He can’t just show up and expect anything out of him in his own house.
He was going to leave. He had to eventually, right?
Well he didn’t. It only took a few minutes of silence before he said anything.
“If you think having your back towards me and not talking will get me to leave, you got it all wrong, Miyabi.” His voice was hoarse and cold. Almost like he was dying. But regardless, he wasn’t going to move. Not for him.
No matter how much he wanted to see his dumb face.
So he stayed turned back. Hoping that Temma would have a change of mind soon enough. But in that moment of pain, he had forgotten how incredibly stubborn the knight can be. Because time passed and he was still sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting.
Eventually, he spoke up again.
“I’m sorry.” Yeah, you better be-
“I know that won’t do anything, but hear me out.” Another moment of silence before he took a deep breath and spoke, “I know the cover thing was wrong. But I didn’t have much options at the-“
“Shut up.”
“Eh?”
“You… You promised. You went behind my back and did it alone. If you just-.”
“If you want to bring up doing things behind others; backs, how about every time you ditched me?!”
“Eh?”
“Don’t ‘Eh’ me you know-”
“How was I supposed to know that affected you?!”
Temma mumbled something under his breath before Miyabi kicked him.
“Oi! What was that for?!”
“For being an ass. Now get out.” Miyabi hissed as he turned over in his covers again.
“No.”
“What reason do you have to be here? Do you think measly apologizing is going to get us back together?!” Temma’s eyes widened, sealed his mouth and looked down at the floor. He didn’t respond to his question.
“It’s not going to happen, Temma.” Miyabi sighed after a moment of silence.
“Really?” Temma whispered to the floor. He sounded defeated, but Miyabi didn’t notice.
“Really. I’m not sure why we even tried anyways. It was a mistake-“ That was when Miyabi caught himself, but it was already too late as the last word slipped out without warning. He didn’t need to look over to know what happened. But his heart dropped all the same.
It was one thing for Temma to be sad, it was another when he had a blank face with “Ah, I understand now.” Written all over it. Miyabi stared at him for a moment before the knight stood up. Almost instantly, panic mode turned on and he tried to grab his arm before Temma pulled away.
“Temma?” His voice started to come out weak and hoarse, but he knew it didn’t matter. He watched Temma stand there for a few more seconds before he started to make his way to the door.
This is bad. This is bad. THIS IS BAD -His thoughts racing through his head as he jumped out of his bed and painfully made his way to the door—Measly blocking it just before Temma could open it. Pain was soaring through his body, but he didn’t care. This was something he had to fix now or he’ll never forgive himself for what he had slipped out.
The worst part was what he said wasn’t even true. But how would Temma know now that it was ingrained in his head?
“D-Don’t go…” Temma didn’t reply.
A moment of silence passes before he speaks again.
“I-I didn’t mean it. It slipped out. You know how I feel about you. I-I-I….I’m sorry…” Miyabi couldn’t find the words to apologize and ended up vomiting his half baked thoughts all over the blond. His whole body was shaking—From fear or pain he didn’t know. But it might as well have been both. Temma was still stiff as ever in his arms and he was certain they were going to give up holding him eventually. And that only made him hold on tighter.
Temma still wasn’t saying anything and that made Miyabi even more desperate for an answer. He kept begging, shaking the blond, hoping that something, anything could come out. But the silence only instilled more fear into him and every worst possible outcome was unfolding right in front of him.
Temma would have never been this silent before. He would have screamed, cried, whined, complained or just something. After what felt like an eternity, Miyabi couldn’t hold on any longer. His arms were weakening and his legs were close to giving out.
So he let go. He fell to his knees.
Then he waited.
The only good thing was that Temma didn’t immediately leave the moment he let go. So before he would eventually leave, Miyabi gave it one more shot.
“Temma… Are you… Done with me?” He figured after the turn of events he’d get an answer how their relationship would go. Or perhaps end—Something Miyabi was desperate to not let happen, but at this point, it was very much possible.
Suddenly, he watched Temma fall to his knees, turn around, and gave him a cold blank stare. His eyes were red and puffy. His face was red, wet with tears, and worn out. Miyabi felt his heart sink further as he watched the blond sigh.
“Do you really want to know?” His voice was low and hoarse—Even more than before. It only frightened Miyabi. So in response he slowly backed away so Temma could have room to leave. Because the tone of his voice only signaled the end.
But before he could fully move, Temma pulled him back in. Their faces were close and he could feel the hot breath on his lips. Temma didn’t give him time to respond before sealing their lips in a hard and desperate kiss. It was salty, fast and unpredictable. But before Miyabi could respond to the kiss, Temma pulled back and stared at him.
“Happy?” He asked before he stood up. Miyabi’s panic mode came back at full force. Forcing himself to stand again, he pulled Temma close again before wrapping him in a hug.
“Please don’t go.”
“Why not? You already said our relationship was a mistake. There’s no need for me to stay, right?” Temma’s voice turned cold and bitter. Every word pierced Miyabi’s heart and ripped it to shreds.
“I didn’t mean it.” His voice was getting weaker and less convincing. At this rate, he might as well have lost Temma forever. It was something he was desperate to not let happen, but it would be entirely his fault for letting happen.
“Are you sure? Because from your tone, I’m pretty damn sure you fully meant it.”
Mustering up the last of his energy, “Of course I didn’t mean it! For heaven’s sake Temma you know I really like you, I haven’t regretted our time together!”
“Funny coming from the person who broke it off so quickly.” Temma hissed.
“No. That… That was because I was upset. Upset at you. Our lack of communication. At myself. Everything seemed to be going downhill, I just wanted to stop it.” Miyabi sighed before he continued, “Before anyone got hurt.”
“Isn’t it too late?” Temma hissed again as he pulled him closer.
“I know… I put you through too much, didn’t I? I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. I’m sure your next lover will treat you better than I did.” Miyabi had whispered the last sentence, but Temma had heard him loud and clear.
“Next lover? Is that what you think? That I’m just going to give up on you?”
“I just want you to be happy. I don’t think—No. I know I won’t make you happy.” Miyabi sighed as tighten the embrace. If this was their true end to what they had, he was going to spend every last second holding on until he couldn't. The fear of losing Temma was no longer a fear, it was a reality awaiting its arrival.
He felt Temma sigh before he pressed a soft kiss on his hair. “I know what we had was rough, but I came back because I want us to work. Nothing ever comes easy, you know?”
“I know… But it’s best we don’t. I can’t risk hurting you again.”
“I’m willing to take it.”
“Why?”
“Because, I know we can get through this.”
“You really… want to do this?”
“Anything for you, Miyabi.”
“…I’m sorry Temma.”
“It’s okay.” And then Temma felt Miyabi let go of him. Despite not wanting to do the same, he let go of the redhead as well. “Miyabi?”
“I-I’m really sorry.”
“M-“ But a hand was raised to silence him.
“No. Don’t tell me it’s okay. If it really was okay, you would have left already. And maybe it’s time for that.”
“You want me to leave?”
“I-...” Silence followed, but he could hear the knight’s heart shatter into pieces.
“…” Then Temma stood up again and looked up at the ceiling. Miyabi didn’t need to figure out he was trying to stop himself from crying. He just knew he was.
“Temma?” Miyabi slowly lifted himself off the floor and once he got a look at the knight’s face, he sighed. Of course.
Temma let his face down from the ceiling and gave Miyabi a sad smile. Had Miyabi’s heart not already shred to pieces, it certainly would have now.
“Thank you, Miyabi.” He whispered as tears streamed down his face.
“Te-“ His sentence was cut off by a soft kiss on the forehead. The knight held his place for a moment before backing away. Then he watched him move down to kiss him proper. But he stopped just short of his lips before backing away again. The look on his face only read guilt. What guilt Temma had, Miyabi couldn’t know nor understand. All he did know was he wasn’t about to let Temma go like this. So he pulled him closer again gave him a soft and slow kiss. One meant to make a lasting impression, one meant to last until they were able to do this again. One that meant that their relationship was never a mistake.
Slowly pulling away, he wrapped him in a tight hug.
“…I like you, Temma.” He mumbled into his suit.
“I really like you too, Miyabi.” Then he felt a pair of lips press against his cheek.
“Temma. You’re not a mistake. You never were. Remember that, okay?”
Temma’s only response was a tighter hug.
Then Temma pulled away, neither made an effort to pull the other close again. Giving the redhead a sad smile, he quietly exited the room. No goodbyes. No “See you again”. Nothing. As the door shut, Miyabi blankly stared at the door, hoping that maybe Temma would come back. But the longer he waited, the more nothing happened. Something inside Miyabi felt empty and cold, as if he had lost something important to him. But it wasn’t an ‘if’, he did lose someone important to him. He believed he messed up big time. And every second he didn’t see Temma, only confirmed it.
Staring at the door again, he wondered why he did Temma so wrong. Of course the issue did start from both of their own lack of consideration, but he was the one to throw what they had out the window. In the end, it was Temma who had truly gotten hurt.
“Miyabi?” He remembers Temma asking innocently one afternoon after lessons.
“Hm? What’s up?” He replied turning to the blond after packing his bag.
“Will you go out with me?” The question almost made him choke.
“Eh?! What do you-”
“I asked, will you go out with me?” A rosy blush was coloring his cheeks and it was one of the few times he had seen the blond appear so shy. The question was asked in confidence but his actions showed he was nervous.
“You like me?” Miyabi couldn’t help it, all this time he was certain his crush on the blond was an unrequited, one-sided story. He was fine with that as long as Temma was still his best friend. Never once had he yearned for something to bloom more than he had to.
The laugh that came out of the knight filled his heart with joy. The blush deepened as he answered with a soft yes. Miyabi joined in the laughter before gleefully agreeing to the date.
That was how their relationship started. Full of hope and silliness as much as their friendship.
Miyabi remembered when they went on their first date. It was awkward, ice cream was on the floor but they had such a fun time that nothing else bothered them. For a while, it was all sunshine and flowers.
When they got busier, the fun ended. The sun set, the flowers wilted and died right before their eyes. Miyabi had become too busy to check on him. Hardly responding, they only talked in person and that was only with others present. Things were fine until they weren’t. He hadn’t noticed he was putting the knight off. He hadn’t noticed he was prioritizing other obligations over him.
He never realized just how much he was hurting him.
That all the upset cries weren’t just results of him being silly. That his loneliness wasn’t him being overdramatic. It was something he didn’t realize until it was too late.
Yet, for a while, he blamed the blond for what happened in the end.
The rest of his memories came flooding back to him. Reminding him that Temma’s “backstab” was nothing but the final nail in the coffin. A coffin that he unknowingly nailed all by himself. He laughs. Laughs at his own lack of self awareness at the one situation where it mattered. He looks up at the door again, knowing that, again, no matter how long he waits. Temma wasn’t coming back.
And despite Temma’s dearest and earnest efforts to forgive him, he couldn’t forgive himself. And that maybe, he didn’t deserve him. Or maybe he just never did. Seeing as though he threw away everything over his own bitterness.
At that moment, he told himself if he truly does get another chance with the blond, he would cherish and love him better.
Because if anything, Temma deserved better than what he had to offer.