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I think this might as well just be a joke at my expense. I've tried so goddamn hard for years to change who I am and be a better person. I had wanted to start over, but of course that was always utterly impossible. On some level I've known that since the day I left the mafia. I was knowingly setting myself up for failure.
But I can grin and bear it most days. I can be charming and clever, someone that no one would expect to have such a gruesome background. I can play my part and everything else fades out of focus, blissfully out of my mind a majority of the time.
That is until he shows up, and it truly feels like nothing I do can ever let me escape my past. Because when I person who represents all of the worst things you've done, someone who became as bad, worse really, than even you, cruel enough to enjoy instead of being indifferent to causing suffering, when the product of all your worst life experiences and deepest wounds vows to constantly seek you out? There's no fucking point in trying anymore. What's the use in trying to run from a revolting past that quite literally chases you down? No, the only possible escape would be to die.
There have been days where I held a blade to my neck, seriously considering slitting my throat once and for all just so I wouldn't have to see my old apprentice again.
That makes me a bad person, doesn't it? Considering death a welcome mercy in comparison to interacting with Akutagawa? The memories he brings to the surface are just as bad as the ones Mori does. It's only natural that I'd want to avoid that, right?
I'll probably have to see him tomorrow. Perhaps stabbing myself in the heart would be a more poetic than a slit throat.