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Inupi didn't think he'd sleep well that night.
He never associated the rain to any emotion he'd given a second thought to. There's nothing poetic about the starry night hiding behind gray clouds or how the raindrops fell on the roof. There is not much to think about when the muted sounds of falling rain hit the window and harmonize with the tinkering. There is nothing special tonight because anything that made it so left a long time ago.
Even then, it was better. Tonight, it was okay.
He focused on the motorcycle in front of him, and not his thoughts screaming at him for thinking he was anything but okay. He paid close attention to the gears, and not the pounding in his chest as if he never really got the closure he needed. What happened was enough.
His movements slowed down as if to keep up with the pace of his thoughts. There is a whirlwind of emotions tugging on his heartstrings and a mist of questions that circled his head. In that little shop of a fading signal reaching out for something, the only solace he can search for has already gone to a place he cannot follow.
His senses dulled, only paying half a mind to his hands working on the gears inside before something knocked on his door. Against the tinted glass and the dark sky raining down a suspenseful symphony, the memories subsided and he could see clearly. "Koko!?"
He opened the doors in a flash, faster than he could register what he wanted from him. For the first time that night, he was able to breathe in the sharp and cold air that contrasted against Koko's harsh breath from carrying something. "What happened, Koko!?"
"Take him..." A heavy pant residing beside a dizzy groan. "To the hospital..."
The light from the shop finally illuminated what he meant. A familiar mop of blond hair and an unconscious body that Inupi was no stranger to. "Hanagaki...?"
His legs reacted faster than he did, already running past the two. "W-Wait here! I'll get a car!"
"Make it fast!"
He always thought that Koko was the only thing that could clear up the air, but he felt like he was being pulled in so many directions that he couldn't tell which way to run towards first. As he brings the car to the front of the shop, he let out a breath seeing Koko put him in the backseat as carefully as possible.
As the two stood still staring at the closed door, Inupi finally feels the raindrops hitting him. The distance between them felt so far, but knowing that he's there now felt like they hadn't separated at all. "What the hell happened?"
It was uncharacteristic of Koko to be silent, but he knew that look. It was him taking in the fact that they had to meet like this and not being able to exhale as long as this unspoken defense remained exactly as it is. Unspoken. "He got beaten up by Mikey."
"By Mikey?" At first, he was at a loss for words. He didn't know Mikey to be this brutal to someone he cares for from afar. Inupi himself was familiar with that feeling. He didn't like how he was kept in the dark, especially hearing it from someone he was sure could never truly comprehend what he feels. Not that he could ever blame Koko, because he was sure that he was just as confusing for him.
"It's not just him..." He didn't need to think to feel the tiredness in his voice, as though he is just as confused as his smile felt heavy. "But also Senju and South."
Mikey felt like a faraway person now. Hanagaki might have the courage to save someone like him, but they knew it to be an idiotic feat. They also knew that even if it was absurd, as long as it was him, it was courageous. The two respected him for that.
"The era of the three deities has ended." Koko's voice brings Inupi back to the conversation. That sharp and determined look in his eyes painfully reminded him and made him aware that they were living separate lives. Their own paths were never meant to cross, not anymore. If he had reached out sooner... If he had been there as Koko once was, would it bring back that gentle look he longed to see?
He thought he could finally figure him out and make sense of him. What they were really feeling was something that needed to be said clearly. He confessed to Hanagaki once, that for Koko, he would do anything. Even if it hurt him. Even if those words got caught in his throat and lost in the pouring rain. Even if what he feels never reached him. "From now on, it's Sano Manjirou's era."
His mouth remained shut as if he couldn't let the words out. As if he wouldn't let the words out. He would never let him know because it felt like he was admitting that he was the first to fall. He would never know just how far he was willing to go for him. He would never let these feelings go because he didn't know if it was alright to feel that way. Excuses piled on excuses. Defenses built on insecurity and the vulnerable request to ask him to try again. Pretending that he was looking at him and knowing otherwise. At least, when it wasn't as confusing, he knew that soft glance was meant for him.
Even if he could name the lingering feelings burning in the cold rain, how could he know that Koko could feel it too? How could he ask him that when he couldn't come to terms with it himself? He wanted to crumble in his arms again, just as he had done before in the makeshift warmth of their old hideout. He wanted to listen to his heartbeat again underneath the blanket and cold air of the night. Just as new tomorrows come, so too does the passage of dream-like memories. How could he care for him now the way he had done so before? More questions went unanswered, not knowing what to do.
"I leave Takemichi to you." He wanted to scoff at that. Each thought contradicted the next. 'Just walk away and take this demented heart.' 'Come back to me and stay.' Attachment to what they had has gone by, hurting and allowing to be hurt. How could Koko feel that way, when it was never meant for him? If he found comfort in the lies he tells himself, then he would laugh at it all.
"I need to go back and clean up the aftermath." As Koko turns his back and begins to walk away, Inupi became aware of how loud the drizzle became. It echoed in his ears like static as he goes farther and farther into unreachable darkness. He wants to reach out, but every muscle felt heavy and only his heart pounded faster than the rhythm of the falling rain. It poured on his face as if the sky cried for him. As if it could tell that Inupi wanted nothing more than Koko, who cared for him as best as he can because they knew that Koko was enough.
Koko. His name gets caught in his throat, threatening to spill. They've always had a complicated relationship, as some would say. Real and tormentable feelings are placed where they shouldn't have been. Illogical moves playing on an unreal chessboard. Love that should stay undefined and away from those undeserving, burning bright as it did. It still does. As complex and intricate as it was, he knew Koko to be constantly thinking and following whoever comes out victorious. The only thing that confused him is when he'd go where Inupi went. It was conflicting because he didn't know why he did. Was it because he found someone else in him? Was it because they made empty promises in another uninteresting story? Are you doing this because you want to?
Koko. His name comes out in a breathless whisper, too small to make out. It was easier back then when everything made sense and he bet that he thought that way too. When they were children unaware of how love can be repulsive. When all that mattered was each other. When this didn't hurt as much. When he had Koko, and when Koko had him. Closing his eyes and seeing only him in his future, he wishes that he did the same. He's walking farther away, and all he wants to do is scream. I'm still here, just say the word and I'll be there.
"Koko!" There it is. He said it. He sees him pause in his step like he was waiting for him to call out. Inupi couldn't trust his voice, not when his thoughts were screaming at him. His wet hair stuck to the side of his face and dampened his clothes. The past was riddled with confusion on what they felt. Insecurities chipped away, creating illusions that felt easier to embrace for fear of what was really true. "Are you happy with this!?"
"You can live a life without thinking of Akane, you know." There is no story in which a chapter never ends. No one can keep something forever. They used to believe that, but it was never theirs. Nothing lasts, and they knew that to be true. Friends can hurt you when you try to save them. People die in exchange for something greater than them. A love that lasts may exist, but they could never have that. The ending gives meaning, as much as they try to deny it.
He wanted to hug him. To wrap his arms around him and bury his face in his back. Intertwine their fingers and remember how his fingertips set his skin ablaze. Breathe in the familiar scent of expensive detergent lacing his uniform. Push away the cold air and rain to rest in this little moment against the world. Pretend his heart didn't beat as fast as that moment frozen in time at the library. Paint a blurry image of his face, because he couldn't bear to know what he really felt, trading suspense for a false truth.
Don't you get it yet? The tense air filled with silence made the distance feel farther than it really is. There is no mountain Inupi wouldn't move just to get to him. There is no gang strong enough to separate him from what he feels. For Koko, he would feel every heartache so long as his heart beats. He didn't need the heavens to tell him what to do with these broken pieces. He didn't need to read in between the lines to know that if everything else was a lie, at least his feelings know that it's true and it's theirs to share.
He remained where he was, looking ahead, seemingly in thought. Koko stared into nothingness, as if he too, felt just as conflicted. While that may be mere speculation and hope that he wasn't the only one, he is certain that both of them pretended that it wasn't affecting them as much. Please look at me. Look, so that he can let his heart rest knowing that he wasn't the only one feeling that way. Please hear me out. Listen, so that he could finally know if it was real.
The rain grew, a cool wind brushing past them without a care. Its indifference reflects that of the world around them. There was no ignoring the sensations that seemed to deafen them until all that's left was the other. As real and as broken as they are, what happened before was no illusion. No deception without promises. No pretending without lies. No love without him.
"Dumbass." You sound so lost, and here I am trying to reach out again because I can't lose you again. We tried fixing it, but it's hopeless. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough for us.
"Of course I'm happy." I really hope you are. At least, happier than before, even if your yesterdays were with me. I'm sorry if I wasn't a good enough reason for you to stay.
"Following Mikey is like betting on the winning horse." I should've held you tighter back then. I've always been here, so, please. Please just ask me to stay and I will.
"Inupi..." Say you want me, too. Say you choose me. Even if we aren't as we were, because it's you.
"You chose a good person." When will you realize I love...
Koko's gentle smile is the last thing he sees before he disappears into the night. Inupi thought he'd never see that kind of carefree smile again. Without any malicious intent or teasing gesture. Just one reserved for him. The night felt too short for them, but also forgiving in the small fall of rain to remind him that what he felt is still there, no matter how painful. He feels the corners of his lips quirk up. I hope I don't have to say goodbye anymore, because if I do, then I'll definitely tell you what I really feel.