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Gina's fingernails scraped the tip of her front teeth. She started chewing on them slightly stopping when she felt they were on the precipice of bleeding.
She was glad the duvet cover was warm. It helped make the darkness surrounding her feel more comforting.
She checked her ears one more time, the in ear monitors were as snug as always. Tight and not the least bit loose.
She breathed in once more, centering it enough so she'd concentrate.
She wiped the tear off her cheek as the rest dissolved on her skin.
She stuck her hand outside feeling for her phone. She knew where the play button would be on the screen, she promptly switched the screen off after pressing play on Spotify. Her hand scampered inside, the coziness touching her skin.
The first song started, the speakers of her IEM's where vibrating in her ears.
She breathed in again.
Now she can relax.
The familiar guitars rang in her ears followed by the beats of the drums and the backup guitars. She could just barely hear the bass.
She stared into the darkness underneath her duvet. It felt like a world of its own, her own personal void.
Imagination is a powerful thing, she no longer felt herself lying in the bed, instead she felt her feet stand on solid air.
Instead of the claustrophobia of her blanket, she felt an entire malleable space.
The lyrics of the song came, she mouthed them, with the right cheek movements it felt like she herself was singing.
If you saw her with her in ear monitors, lip syncing herself to music it would look quite silly. Not to her.
To her, with the music blaring in her eardrums, she felt powerful.
She didn't need to flex her vocal chords for it to take a massive weight off her chest.
The music continued.
All of the memories of that day came flooding back. They were beasts clawing at her brain, Tiny cracks were breaking through, letting the poisonous thoughts slip into her current thought process.
She refocused her thoughts to the music, to the beats, the tempo and the lyrics.
She felt her chest expand as she began moving her mouth to the pacing of the lyrics.
Her heart steadily pounded.
It really felt like the lyrics sang by the singer were her own.
Everytime he screamed and bellowed she would do the same, her chest would expand and she would feel breathless.
The important part was that she felt the catharsis that came with it.
What better way to explain how shitty her entire day was than a song that's just raw, abstract emotions given life?
Then the final time the chorus would play started.
As she opened her mouth something felt different.
Her throat caught a snag, she paused, now it off sync with the song. She was so close to actually singing the lyrics, too.
Big mistake.
The memories came back with a vengeance, breaking through her brain.
The music was no longer a shield that can help her.
She had her palms cover her ears, pushing the in ear monitors further into her ears.
The tears continued to swell up in her eyes.
The song was nearing its end.
The screaming of the singer, instead of offering her the catharsis she needed… it annoyed her to no end.
By reminding her of her agony it made her want to lash out physically.
She opened her eyes and ripped the monitors off screaming as if she displaced her own ears.
Gina threw the blanket away and sat up.
She gently touched her cheek, the salty water practically smothered that area of her cheek.
Gina curled herself up, clutching her knees before throwing her head down on the limbs. Sobbing uncontrollably.
Her period of self loathing was briefly interrupted by the knocking on the door.
"Gina! Gina!" She gritted her teeth.
It was Gregson.
"Ah 'ell… come in!" She yelled.
Gregson directed the door open, storming in the room.
"Are you okay, pet?" Gina refused to answer, instead turning her head away from her adoptive father.
"I'm guessing it's not…" He sighed heavily.
A hot tear came down her cheek. She directed her hand to stay in its place instead of wiping the tear away.
Gregson slowly approached Gina, plopping himself on the bed.
"Look I know you don't want me here while you're… like this. But you know, I'm still here when you need me." Gregson looked longingly at the girl.
The muffled sounds of the buds were the only thing to fill the silence.
Gina promptly plugged them out of her phone, leaving dead silence with the two.
She looked down. "Bad day?"
Gina only nodded in agreement. "Oh Gina."
He hugged her back.
Gina was in the verge of tearing up again.
She turned around and embraced him harder. Crying in his shoulders.