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“I just don’t understand you sometimes Kushina. You say you trust me but your actions prove otherwise. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say to you. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t ...” Mikoto pauses to take a deep breath. She turns her back on her lover and begins to walk away.
She’s been secretly dating Kushina Uzumaki for two years. If Mikoto’s being honest with herself, the years with Kushina have been the best time of her life. She has never felt as complete, as whole as a person than she was when she was with Kushina even with all the fights and disagreements. Lately though, It’s like that happy little bubble she’s been living in has burst and something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.
“I love you but if we don’t have trust we don’t have anything.” A tear falls from her eye without her permission.
“Uchiha-San!” Kushina calls after her before moving to follow.
Mikoto can hear the clicks of her heels as she follows. A sudden anger fills Mikoto like a flame being ignited. Even now while they are alone Kushina can’t even say her first name. She turns around abruptly causing Kushina to stumble slightly in an attempt to not knock her down. “Don’t you ‘Uchiha-San’ me! I am on to you. We are all alone here. No one but me and you. Why can’t you say my name? What am I to you? What games are you playing? Whatever it is, I want out.”
Kushina is quiet.
“I love you, you know I do. There isn’t a game, at least not one that I’m aware of. I just... I trust you. I do. I don’t know what I can say or do to prove it to you.” Kushina takes a step forward, her eyes pleading for her girlfriend to give her a chance to explain. “It’s hard. Words are hard. I want to come out to the world about our relationship, I do, I’m just ...”
Mikoto steps back, glaring hard at the red head. “Is that why you think I’m mad? You think... I would be mad because we are keeping our relationship secret?”
Kushina's face morphs into a shocked look. “Is that not the reason?”
“No, that is not one hundred percent the reason I can’t do this anymore. Sure sometimes it sucks that I can’t grab you and kiss you whenever some ass is hitting on either of us or I can’t hold your hand or pet your hair when you look like you are having a bad day but I can live with that. Not to mention I hate when you call me Uchiha-San ALL the time but it’s something I can live with if that’s something you want.”
“Then why are you mad? Why are you giving up on us... giving up on me?”
“Why am I mad? Why am I one hundred percent done? You don’t trust me. You are hiding something big, something that has been causing you to flinch from me, avoid me, you avoid eye contact, you make up piss poor excuses, you’ve been staying out later without telling me where...”
“I’M TRANS!!” Kushina shouts out, interrupting Mikoto’s rant.
“I... uh.. you... what?” Mikoto stumbles over her words, unsure of what to think of Kushina’s outburst. She does nothing but stare, looking Kushina up and down not so subtly.
“Honestly the worst thing you can do is stare.”
Mikoto snaps out of her silent assessment quickly. “I’m...”
“I’m not a freak. I am a male stuck in a female body. I’m not a monster or a weirdo. When I’m out I go to a support group for people like me, I’ve been going to a therapist, and doctor appointments. When I flinch it’s because I’m ashamed of myself for lying to you. You are a proud and out lesbian and I’m ruining that by wanting to be a man. When I avoid eye contact it’s because I don’t feel worthy of looking you in your beautiful eyes, when I step away t’s not because I’m afraid of you what you’ll do, I know you’d never hurt me physically, but for some reason I can’t help but think you’ll hurt me emotionally or mentally. Logically I know it’s stupid but I can’t help my reactions no matter how hard I try. I do trust you. Please believe me when I say I have always trusted you Mikoto. I just... I am... I was... I didn’t have a good childhood or good ex’s in my life. The people I’ve told about my thoughts of transitioning ALWAYS reacted badly. I want to believe you won’t but I couldn’t shake the feeling of ‘What if’ no matter how hard I tried especially since I am going through with this with or without you.”
Kushina takes a shuddering deep breath, tears steadily flowing down her pale face.
“I want to be a man. I have never felt right in this body. This Kushina person is not me. Never has been and never will be. I am so unhappy with this fake persona I have to adopt because society deemed me a woman at birth. I need to go through with this. I want to be happy. I ... I deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy too but I know you won’t be with me.”
A sob makes the rest of what she says ineligible.
Mikoto can’t help but feel like the lowest of low assholes. She did this. She got so caught up in her own feelings she failed to see her girlfriend…boyfriend breaking down on his own the last month and if she’s being honest probably way before the last month as well.
Mikoto walks to Kushina who is curled over and crying into her hands. She makes sure to make as much noise as possible so as not to startle her... him. Mikoto didn’t want to startle him. “Kushina?” Mikoto says quietly, waiting until Kushina looks up. “May I touch you?” She questions voice, still soft.
Mikoto holds her breath as she waits for her lover to answer. Each minute feels like an eternity but she’s patient. Years of working for Madara taught her that waiting was super important, she was glad she had the practice.
After about five minutes, give or take, Kushina gives a microscopic nod. So tiny that Mikoto would have missed it had she not been paying attention.
“Thank you.” She steps closer and brings her arms around the other. One hand stroking Kushina’s hair while the other rubs his back. When Kushina relaxes slowly but surely, Mikoto starts to talk.
“I’m so sorry. You have been going through the ringer this whole time and I’ve been so, so, so stupidly selfish. I guess this would be the best time to tell you... I’m not a lesbian. Shhh...” she says when she feels Kushina tense. “I’m not a lesbian. That’s just what the media dubbed me and I didn’t care to correct them. I am pansexual. I don’t care about gender. I care about personalities more than anything else. I can’t say that this will be an easy journey ahead but I am willing to make it with you. I want to be with you for the ride if you’ll have me. I’m sorry for what I said and for being an idiot. I’m sorry for yelling and for not trusting you. I will take as long as I need to prove to you that I am so sorry and that I love you no matter if you are a woman or man. You are still you. The person I love falling asleep next to, the person I love laughing with, the person I want to spend any and all of my time with if you’ll let me.”
Half way through the speech, Kushina wraps his arms around Mikoto and sobs into her chest. He doesn’t respond but Mikoto keeps her actions soothing.
Whatever happens, happens. For now they just now bask in each other’s comfort. They’ll deal with everything else tomorrow for now this is enough.