Chapter Text
"Hug me!" Chan is never afraid to pass around affection through physical touch, and it's apparent in the way he clings to his friends and whines, much like he is now.
Felix, today's victim, is thrown off at first by the attack, but that quickly changes when he processes the situation and hugs Chan back, the two of them falling onto the couch of Jeongin and Felix’s apartment, falling into each other and cuddling.
Jeongin doesn't really understand how they can enjoy it so much.
He doesn't enjoy physical affection, especially when it's forced on him, much like how his friends do it.
He thinks cuddling looks stuffy, though he's never actually properly cuddled before, mostly he has just been momentarily suffocated by Hyunjin.
Constantly his older friends feel the need to touch him, surprising him with hugs, poking his cheeks, grabbing his hands, and even smacking his butt. That last one is mostly Seungmin, he seems to have an obsession.
But aside from Seungmin and his odd obsession, and Hyunjin and his quick suffocating attacks, Chan is the one who seems to seek physical affection from him the most.
He doesn't understand why, he seems perfectly content with cuddling Felix, but Chan insists on finding ways to touch him, most commonly by playing with his hair or touching his cheek. He even 'boops' his nose, something none of the others have done to him.
"Channie!" Felix's whine pulls Jeongins focus away from the question at hand and makes him turn his head, just in time to see a flash of Chan before he's falling on top of him.
"Innie looked lonely!" Chan exclaims, wrapping his arms around Jeongin and hugging him tightly.
Jeongin throws his arms around, attempting to land punches to Chan's back, trying to assault him back. "Get off of me before I hit you!"
"You already have!" Chan giggles and makes no movement to get up, even hugging Jeongin tighter to make a point.
"I'll do it harder!" Jeongin yells and manages to land a smack on Chan's back, knocking the wind out of him.
Chan coughs and pulls away, gasping for air. "Ok ok, I'm done."
While Chan backs away slowly with his hands up, Jeongin glares at him, keeping his fist up threateningly.
Jeongin isn't one to disrespect his elders, aside from the occasional teasing of Changbin, but when it comes to physical affection, he is willing to do anything to get out of it.
Jeongin hasn't been friends with Chan as long as he's known some of their other friends, but with their group forming over time through common connections and coincidence, the three years that has passed has brought them to be like family.
He has known Seungmin since before he could remember, getting into mischief with him all through their childhood, and when Minho moved into town and Seungmin developed a crush on him and they started dating in highschool, Jeongin could tell they were going to be a dynamic trio. Once Jeongin graduated highschool and Seungmin and Minho had been dating for over two years, they agreed to get an apartment together.
Felix applied to stay in their extra room, immediately clicking with all three of them and finding a common interest with Minho in dance.
Jisung, Felix’s twin brother, happens to be incredibly dramatic, and while Jeongin loves him, he is unsure why Jisung didn’t just share a room with Felix. Instead, Jisung decided to get the vacant apartment next door, getting his friends to fill up the rooms with him.
Changbin and Chan went with it, finding it convenient since they are all trying to get their rapping trio, 3racha, to take off. And Hyunjin, Changbin’s boyfriend, was absolutely ecstatic about moving in with all of them.
Over time they got to know each other, and now Jeongin fears they may be too close for comfort.
Though it’s split between the two apartments, all 8 of them practically live together, and constantly they are touching each other, never seeming to be able to stop.
Jeongin doesn't mind much when they do it in front of him, though sometimes the couples make him gag at their PDA. He just can't stand it when they touch him.
Jeongin gets over it quickly though, understanding it's just their way of saying 'I love you.' He understands the endless teasing and poking. It's what makes their friend group so great.
Jeongin pulls out his laptop and stares at the screen, getting lost in thought as more of his friends pile into their apartment after work or classes.
"Innie! Whatcha workin' on?" Hyunjin falls onto the arm rest of the lounge chair he's sitting in, glancing over his shoulder at his laptop. "Oh, it's not on."
Jeongin shakes away his thoughts and looks up at his friend, a little confused before he fully processes his presence and words. "Oh yeah, I got distracted."
Hyunjin leans closer, and his look is teasing, but Jeongin can see and hear the concern. "Clearly, you ok?"
"Yeah, don't worry, this class is just kicking my ass." Jeongin waves off his concern, mentioning his homework and moving past the conversation.
"I understand that, but you only have a few more months until you graduate!" Hyunjin places a reassuring hand on his shoulder, something Jeongin doesn't shy away from this time.
"Yeah, but I'm starting to second guess becoming a teacher with how much of a jerk my professor is." Jeongin laughs, and it sounds a little awkward, but his friends know that's just his way of releasing stress.
Despite how grumpy he is toward physical affection, Jeongin is actually the brightest in the group, always seeming to be smiling, even when he is upset, opting to laugh at his problems rather than cry.
"Elementary teachers are better than college professors. Don't you remember how kind some of those teachers were?" Hyunjin brings a hand to his heart and begins to tear up, staring dramatically into the distance. "Ms. Yoon really made an impact in my life."
Jeongin laughs and pushes his friend away a little, finally turning on his laptop and getting to his school work. "Don't you have a boyfriend to bother?"
Hyunjin pouts at this and moves to the big couch, crossing his arms and stretching out his legs so that he looks like a little kid. "He's still at work with Sung."
Jeongin hums and reads through his assignments and schedules, not fully listening anymore. "Well Chan and Felix are here somewhere."
Jeongin hears but doesn't process Hyunjin's response as he jumps up and skips away, searching for their friends.
Truthfully it was a little surprising Chan came home from work so early, he usually chooses to stay late and send the other two home, telling them he gets more inspiration in the silence of nighttime.
Now that he thinks about it, Chan coming home so early, paired with his demand for cuddles was concerning.
Jeongin will have to ask later.
He falls back into his homework, flying through assignments and humming greetings as people file in and out of the apartment.
A tap at his shoulder pulls him out of his last homework assignment, and when he glances back Seungmin's fond smile greets him, making him smile back.
"You almost done? It's practically midnight." Seungmin's voice is soft, and Jeongin realizes he's probably whispering because of the half-asleep Minho that groans tiredly on the couch.
"Oh yeah, this is my last assignment." Jeongin's turns back to his work and looks at how much he has left, calculating how much longer he will need to finish.
Seungmin hums and leans closer, looking over his shoulder as Jeongin goes back to typing. "Did you eat dinner?"
This time Jeongin's brain completely stops as he thinks back on the evening, realizing he hasn't even gotten up to use the restroom since Hyunjin talked to him. "No, I was busy."
Jeongin doesn't feel like arguing, just wanting to finish his assignment, but Seungmin's gasp is enough to tell him that he's done for the night. "You need to eat Innie!"
Jeongin sighs and closes his laptop, getting up and going to the kitchen to find something that will satisfy Seungmin long enough to leave him alone.
Deciding on a yogurt cup from the back of the fridge, he gives Seungmin a look and falls back into his chair, too tired to care.
"That's expired." Seungmin raises his brow and takes the cup from him, pointing at the date that shows it's a week passed.
"Why is it still in there then?" Jeongin wants to pout, but he knows Seungmin is just going to keep fighting him.
"It's Felix's, c'mon I'll take you out." Seungmin starts to wrap himself back up in his coat, and goes to wake Minho up to send him to bed.
Jeongin jumps up and stops him, glaring at him sharply. "You just got home, go to bed, I'm fine."
"No you're not." Seungmin pulls his boyfriend up and sends him to their room, turning back to Jeongin when he's gone. "Let's go."
Jeongin wants to protest more, but Seungmin is insistent, shoving his coat into his arms and pulling him out the door.
They startle when a dark figure moves in front of them, neither of them expecting anyone to be out at such a late hour, but they both relax when they realize who it is.
“Chan! What are you doing out?” Seungmin scolds him, fixing a dark look onto their older friend.
“I couldn’t sleep so I got up to eat, but we haven't got anything appealing.” Chan keeps his distance, exhaustion apparent in his posture, and if there was light Jeongin is sure they would be able to see it on his face as well.
“Innie too, you should go together so I can sleep.” Seungmin pushes Jeongin forward and begins to remove his coat again, already moving back into the apartment. “Thanks, goodnight.”
They both stay silent for a moment, watching Seungmin disappear behind the door, his odd energetic reaction processing in their tired brains.
Chan speaks first, quitey, reminding Joegin how late it is and how tired they both are. “So, you ready?”
“You don’t have to go with me, Seungmin was forcing me anyway.” Jeongin shrugs and shakes his head in an attempt to reassure his friend.
“Have you eaten?” Chan’s tone isn't accusatory, but Jeongin still feels guilty, averting his gaze and shaking his head slowly. “Ok, then let's go. Don't worry about it, it’s on me.”
“You sure?” Jeongin hesitantly walks with him as they move through their building.
“Yeah, I need the company anyway.” Chan smiles and grabs his hand, pulling him along, before quickly retracting his hand and looking away.
Jeongin frowns at this and looks at Chan, tilting his head and trying to look at his expression. “What’s wrong?”
Chan shrugs and smiles, looking back at him with reassurance, though Jeongin isn't fully convinced. “Nothing, I just know you don’t like to be touched.”
Jeongin’s frown deepens, but he doesn’t respond, matching pace with Chan and stuffing his hands in his pocket to keep warm.
Neither say much as they pick out food for themselves to eat, Chan paying and Jeongin thanking him repeatedly.
On their way back Jeongin shivers and attempts to wrap himself up more, the familiar bite of a february evening everywhere around them.
“Cold?” Chan laughs and moves closer by half an inch, but it’s enough that Jeongin can feel some of his warmth.
“Yeah.” Jeongin laughs awkwardly and shivers again, moving closer to Chan as well.
They walk silently again, moving closely and feeding off of each other’s warmth.
Suddenly Chan exhales heavily, and Jeongin’s concern from earlier returns, making him lean over and brush their shoulders together. “Are you sure you’re ok?”
Chan hums and nods, failing to brush away Jeongins worries. “Yeah, all good.”
“Ok, now tell me the truth.” Jeongin smiles teasingly, trying to smooth out the harsh atmosphere steadily growing between them as the seconds pass.
“I guess I’m just tired, but I also feel bad for invading your space like that earlier.” Chan looks embarrassed at the confession, and Jeongin is a little shocked that he is still thinking about it so seriously.
“What? Don’t worry about it, I know that’s just how you are." Jeongin pauses and watches Chan’s expression shift, but still filled with guilt. “Did I hurt you when I hit you?”
Jeongin’s own guilt builds at the thought, not wanting to have actually done something to hurt Chan, just trying to get him off of him.
“No no, I just feel bad that I didn't respect the clear boundaries you set with me.” Chan vigorously shakes his head and explains his thoughts, still making Jeongin feel bad that he thinks he would have to avoid conversation with him the way he has been.
“I don’t mind it so much as long as it’s initiated properly,” Jeongin smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket and stuffs it into Chan’s, interlacing their fingers, and feeling their warmth combine to push the cold away. “Don’t worry about it Channie.”
Chan looks at him shocked for a moment, but the shock quickly melts into a warm smile and he leads them both home. “C’mon, let's go before we freeze to death.”
Once they're back inside they keep their hands together, neither seeming to want to pull away, and when they're back at their doors Chan gives Jeongin’s hand a squeeze before releasing it and handing over his food.
“Sleep well.” Jeongin smiles and waves, hovering by his door and watching Chan wave back.
“You too.” Chan has a new glow about him that he didn’t have earlier, and Jeongin pushes aside any worry, sure that they’re ok and on the same page now.
With that, they slip into their apartments, Jeongin taking his food and laptop to his room so he can fall asleep eating and working.
~~~
Jeongin must have done something wrong because Chan seems more cautious around him now, though he still seems happy to see him, he’s acting off. Jeongin can tell he is holding back, and practically bursting at the seams in the process.
Chan is smiling at him from his place on the couch, watching Jeongin as he works on homework, his work never seeming to end now that he is in his final year of college.
Usually Chan is at the studio at this hour, but he said something about Jisung being sick and Changbin being out with Hyunjin, so he’s over hanging out. Though with it still being rather early, nobody else but Jeongin is home.
Chan would probably have been better off with a sick Jisung than his busy self.
“What's wrong?” Jeongin pulls his attention away from his assignment and looks up at Chan, watching his expression shift at being caught, but only slightly.
“Nothing, just glad we’re both off today.” Chan shrugs and snuggles deeper into the couch cushions, pulling his legs up as well.
Jeongin sizes him up before going back to his assignments, nonchalantly scotting a bit closer and throwing one of his legs over Chan’s.
Jeongins ignores Chan’s reaction, holding back a smile at how shocked he looks.
He doesn't really know what possessed him to do it, he just knows Chan is acting weird, and despite how violent his physical affection was before, Jeongin is beginning to miss it.
Not the touching itself, just Chan.
They sit in silence, the sound of Jeongin’s typing and the occasional reaction to his phone screen from Chan the only thing able to be heard.
When Felix walks in he startles them, moving quickly to his room, and then leaving again, presumably to go see his brother.
Though Jeongin feels a pull of disappointment when he realizes Chan moved away after Felix showed up.
He doesn’t mind though, they practically live together, and Chan will get over his weird anti-touch thing in at most a couple days.
~~~
Chan doesn’t get over it. It’s been nearly a month and Chan seems to have grown even more distant, but what really hurt was when Jeongin realized Chan was only putting the distance between them.
Jeongin doesn’t make any more attempts at being near Chan, unsure of what to do. With his school work piling up and midterms nearing he doesn’t seem to have time anyway.
Chan starts showing up less, and Jeongin finds himself either in the library or locked away in his room, studying. He doesn't think much about it, chalking it up to work and school.
But despite everything, Jeongin leaves his schoolwork behind for their usual Sunday ‘family’ dinner, the one time a week all of them are actually able to sit and just be together.
Hyunjin jumps around the room, ditching his boyfriend for short periods of time to go sit with other members of their group, eventually moving back to Changbin, only to get up and hang off of somebody else.
Jeongin sits quietly next to Minho and watches the chaos of all 8 of them together fall into place.
The twins are sitting on the floor, both poking at Changbin as he pines for his boyfriend, who is currently watching a drama spoiler with Seungmin.
Chan is curled up on the corner of the couch, not saying much, just simply smiling and observing as they all converse amongst themselves.
Hyunjin finally moves back to his boyfriend, and Seungmin to his own, leaving the twins with no one to bother, so they move on to Chan.
Jeongin spaces out for a moment, thinking about everything he has on his to-do list for the week, and planning out when he needs to wake up, sleep, and leave for classes.
Eventually his brain becomes static as his train of thought leaves him, and suddenly his brain is presenting him with the fact that he hasn’t seen Chan much lately.
Without a word, Jeongin gets up and goes to his room, fishing out his phone from under his textbooks and pulling up the last conversation he shared with Chan.
It was short, and really wasn’t about anything specific, but it was over a week ago, compared to their usual daily messages prior to Chan’s odd behavior.
He sighs and falls onto his bed, placing his phone face down and staring at the floor, thinking about all their interactions the last month.
Chan had mentioned he felt bad about crossing Jeongin’s boundaries, but perhaps Jeongin had unknowingly crossed one of Chan’s.
The thought sits heavily over him, he knows Chan would have said something if he had, but the possibility is still there, and Jeongin hates to think he made Chan uncomfortable.
He gnaws at his lip and stares at the floor, trying to find an explanation for Chan’s weirdness, but coming up empty.
A knock at his door finally pulls him out of his mini-trance, making him glance up to see Minho leaning in his door frame. “May I come in?”
Jeongin shrugs and shifts where he's sitting, knowing Minho will probably sit down on his bed anyway. "If you must."
Minho smiles and rolls his eyes, putting away his worried expression to jab back at Jeongin for his teasing. "Don't pretend like you don't love me."
"Hmm, no need, I don't." Jeongin smiles up at him and Minho raises a brow before dramatically falling on top of him. "Wait! No! Get off!"
"Never you evil gremlin!" Minho rolls over and reaches to grab his face, squishing Jeongin's cheeks between his hands and making it harder for him to scream.
Jeongin thrashes around dramatically, attempting to hit Minho until he relents, then he suddenly remembers Chan and stops moving completely, the new fear instilled in him that he might make Minho avoid him too.
"Please get off of me." Jeongin is quiet but his tone is sharp, and Minho's face falls when he realizes how serious he is.
"Are you ok?" Minho sits up and moves away quickly, knowing his boundaries after being close with Jeongin for so long.
"Yeah, don't worry about it." Jeongin runs a hand through his hair and rests his head against his wall, avoiding Minho's lingering gaze.
Minho stares for a moment, trying to read Jeongin, before giving up and standing. "I'll just send in Seungmin."
He wants to protest, but Minho is already out the door before he can.
He can hear the chatter from everyone else, but he blocks it out, staring at the wall, and not reacting when Seungmin sits down on his bed next to him.
"What's up?" Seungmin is looking at him, clearly concerned, but Jeongin doesn't want to see it.
"I'm tired." Jeongin focuses on a spot on the wall, avoiding Seungmin's stare, because he knows despite their bickering that Seungmin can read him faster than anybody.
“Bullshit.” Seungmin leans away from him and pulls his legs up onto the bed, spreading himself out to show he’s not leaving until Jeongin talks.
Jeongin turns away and picks up his phone, tapping at the dark screen. “Go away.”
“Why?” Jeongin can see from his peripherals that Seungmin is starting to get upset.
“Because.” Jeongin knows he’s being childish, he knows that he’s acting immature and completely out of character, but the coil of anxiety in his stomach that is currently rising to his throat is suffocating, and he doesn’t know what to say.
“Ok then.” Seungmin leaves the room, hesitating at the door before deciding to not say anything and sit back down in the living room.
Jeongin feels like he can’t breathe, like he’s lost control of a situation before it even happened. Flying up from his bed, Jeongin goes to his closet and pulls on some sneakers and a jacket.
He can feel how uneven his breaths are, he’s not sure if it’s the new-found anxiety, or how fast he is moving to leave.
When Jeongin creeps out of his room again he takes note of how everyone gets quieter, the way Seungmin and Minho are sitting closer together, how they both stare at him.
Jeongin’s eye slide across the room, taking in all their expressions, some knowing, some concerned, and some completely avoiding looking at him all together.
When Jeongin’s eyes finally land on Chan he feels a small pang of disappointment at the way he has focussed in on his cup, his anxious fidgeting further confirms that Chan is intentionally avoiding Jeongin, and Jeongin feels his heart drop slightly.
Releasing a heavy breath, he slips out of the apartment without a word.
He stands outside and just listens for a moment, unsure of where he even wants to go.
The conversation gets louder again eventually, flooding through the crevices in the door, and Jeongin takes that as a sign to actually leave.
He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he only pulls it out to turn it off, not wanting to talk to anyone.
He walks aimlessly for a while, considering all the shops and if he wants anything to eat.
He just ate dinner, but Jeongin could always eat more.
He slips into a shop and walks around aimlessly for a moment, trying to find anything remotely appealing. As he’s checking out, he realizes that it’s the same shop he and Chan went to when he first started acting weird.
He recalls the last three weeks and how little he’s seen him. He feels dramatic for leaving his friends because of something like that, but he was so lost in thought, and it’s hard to think around them, much less with the main subject of his thoughts in the room with him.
Jeongin gets back to the entrance of their apartment building and realizes how long he’s been gone when he pulls out his phone to check his messages.
He doesn’t have many, one from Seungmin and Hyunjin out of concern, but Chan’s message grabs his attention.
It’s not anything different than what the other two said, a simple ‘be safe’, but Jeongin feels a new confusing feeling form in his chest at the sight of it.
He replies back to Hyunjin telling him not to worry, and informs Seungmin that he’s nearly home.
He stares at Chan’s unopened message for a moment and sits down on the curb, unsure of if he wants to reply or go in yet.
He doesn’t even know what he could say. Chan always held him so close and treated him with so much adoration, the sudden coldness is overwhelming, and the concerned message feels like a breaking point.
Jeongin doesn’t cry, he always feels awful and disgusting after crying, he hates crying.
The sting in his eyes is sickening, and he doubles over, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them.
He feels pathetic.
Sitting outside, freezing, avoiding his friends, crying.
He doesn’t even know why he feels like this, why Chan’s actions are so upsetting, why he can’t just ignore it all and opt to focus on school instead. He doesn’t understand any of the thoughts going through his head.
He just misses Chan.
Jeongin stays outside for a while longer, eventually calming down, replying to Chan telling him not to worry, and then going to his apartment, moving to his room like a drone and ignoring his roommates stares.
Everyone else already went back to their apartment, which should be surprising, but most are working adults, and staying up too late on a sunday just doesn’t work anymore.
He slides into sleep clothes and sits on his bed, staring at the wall in thought, trying to find the motivation to get up and finish his nightly routine.
He can feel the presence at his door, the shuffle and shadow are a dead giveaway, that only encourages the want to stay locked up even longer.
Pulling out his laptop, Jeongin goes through his assignments, sighing when he realizes he has completed all his current assignments. He reads through his rubrics again and tries to find something, anything to occupy himself with.
His phone lights up with a notification, and Jeongin jumps to check it, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
He just needs a distraction from his own thoughts.
He regrets looking immediately when Chan’s name glares brightly back at him.
Opening the message slowly, Jeongin exhales and tries to guess what Chan could possibly have to say to him after not speaking to him for so long.
It’s short, a simple sleep well, but Jeongin feels like there are so many layers under the message.
He hopes it means the millions of things the Jeongin has been wanting to hear for weeks.
Jeongin hopes it means that he still wants to talk to him, that he’s sorry, that he’s not upset about anything, and maybe that he misses him too.
The thoughts come so quickly, and the anxious feeling returns tenfold.
He quickly replies, returning the sentiment and places down his phone, counting his breaths in his head to get them under control.
He hears the shuffling outside his door again and the shadow returns, this time with somebody else. From the incoherent mumbling he can make out Felix’s and Seungmin’s voices.
His mind loses focus again, pulling him from the noises at his door and back into his head.
He counts for a while, trying to steady his breathing and understand why he is reacting the way he is.
Never in his life has Jeongin felt so scared to lose someone.
The wetness comes again, blurring his vision. He feels himself curl up onto his pillow, not bothering to pull his blanket on himself, and forgetting the idea of finishing his nightly routine.
He might have an early morning class, and his phone is probably at low battery, and if he cries for a second time he most likely won’t sleep well, but none of that really matters as he tries to piece together the large puzzle of thoughts spread around in his head.
A sick feeling washes over him right as he’s about to drift to sleep, the sticky feeling on his face is disgusting, and the way his head is pounding makes him nauseous.
He doesn’t move for the entire night, staying curled up until his alarm tells him it’s morning and he has to shower.
Slowly, he moves through the apartment, trying to pull himself together and shower before he runs into any of his friends.
It’s common for them to visit each other throughout the day, he just hopes they go to the musicians apartment today instead.
It’s not too much of a surprise when he runs into Seungmin, he still feels awful, yet numb, but seeing Seungmin sparks an idea.
“Seungmin.” Jeongin stands in the entrance to their kitchen, he feels awkward, like a little kid looking up at his older brother begging for attention.
“Yeah?” His friend turns around momentarily and acknowledges him, before turning back around and putting together what Jeongin presumes is his lunch.
“Can you hug me?”
The question comes out quiet and quick, making Jeongin feel even smaller. Seungmin turns around completely, a look of pure bewilderment across his face as he sizes up his friend.
“You won’t bite me?” Seungmin moves forward, taking small and slow steps, cautious of what Jeongin might do.
Jeongin doesn't blame him for being cautious.
“No,” Jeongin exhales as if he has something heavy resting on his chest. “Please, I need it.”
“Yeah ok.” Seungmin moves forward faster at that, though he’s still hesitant when he wraps his arms around Jeongin.
Hugging Seungmin is weird.
Really it’s nice, but Jeongin doesn’t know what to do. He has never initiated a hug with anybody before, and he can’t remember the last time he willingly gave any of them a hug just because.
Seungmin is taller than him, but he’s warm and soft, he is easy to wrap up as he’s pretty scrawny.
Jeongin doesn’t completely hate it, but it’s not really what he wants.
He pulls away first, and Seungmin releases him immediately, pushing them arms length apart and staring at him full of so much concern and confusion.
“Are you ok?” His tone is filled with surprise, and the question surprises Jeongin too.
He doesn’t really know.
“Yeah, I just needed to try something.” Jeongin feels bad for lying, but he also feels so awkward. Everything he’s been doing the past couple days is so out of character for him.
What is wrong with him?
Seungmin hums and nods, going back to his previous actions and glancing at Jeongin over his shoulder. “I’ve gotta go to work, I’ve got a couple shoots today, but we should hang out later, just us two.”
Jeongin nods and thinks back to elementary and middle school, before Minho came into the picture.
They were always pulling pranks, whether it was on adults, other kids, or each other, the two were a mischievous duo, and Jeongin misses causing problems with Seungmin.
Jeongin smirks, beginning to plan out their evening already. “We should buy ice cream then eat it all and put the empty containers back in the freezer.”
“You little shit.” Seungmin is smirking too, and Jeongin can tell by the look on his face that he is completely on board.
He feels a lot better, his previous thoughts momentarily forgotten as he tries to figure out what else he wants to do with his friend.
“Also pizza and disney, Felix would hate that.”
“Your place or mine?” Seungmin has the stupidest grin on his face, but Jeongin probably looks just as evil with his own grin.
“Mine, your roommate might walk in on us.”
“You’re right, see you later babe.” Seungmin slips out of the door with his coat and camera, sending a wink and kiss Jeongin’s way.
Jeongin fake gags at the sentiment, dodging air and laughing along with his friend.
“After all these years, you’re finally stealing my boyfriend back.”
Minho comes up behind him, startling him with his dark and intimidating aura.
He shakes off the initial shock and grins evilly again, relishing in Minho’s glare. “Yes, and it's about time.”
“Fine.” Minho walks away and reappears in the living area 5 minutes later fully dressed and ready for work, dragging a tired Felix in tow.
“Goodbye.” Jeongin begins to collect his own things, preparing to leave for classes.
“I'll get you for referring to me as his roommate, Yang Jeongin.” Minho slips out of the apartment, pulling Felix out behind him.
Jeongin shivers at the threat, knowing Minho won’t follow through, but being extremely intimidated nonetheless.
He spends a few more minutes collecting his things before leaving as well.
~~~
The education system is absolute dog shit, Jeongins literature teacher is a jackass, and he is very ready to graduate and be done.
Jeongin has his legs pulled up on his bed with his laptop resting in front of him, displaying his new assignments for the week. His text books on his night stand glare at him mockingly, making it harder for him to decide what he wants to do first.
He hates his lit class, he is tired of child psychology, and he is beginning to wonder if there really is a god, and if he hates him.
“Fuck.” He runs his hands through his hair and decides on getting his psyche work over with, mostly since it’s pretty easy.
He works for a while, getting lost in his assignments and drifting into his textbooks easily.
Despite his hatred for his last few classes, he really just wants to become a teacher.
Through highschool he didn’t really care about his grades at first, but then the thought of college crossed his mind, and he found a new motivation to get his work done, taking up part time jobs on summer break and tutoring for pay during the school year.
Jeongin had landed a scholarship, almost a full ride, and with all his extra saved up money he was able to move from student dorms to his apartment his sophomore year of college.
He still works of course, part time jobs, and promised gigs for when he visits his family, but his scholarship and the fact that he has 3 other roommates definitely helps when it comes to saving money.
Throughout it all though, every easy job, crazy assignment, and impeccable grade, his greatest reward was when he tutored his peers.
He loved the shared accomplishment when they would receive their report card and have an incredible improvement, it was exhilarating on both ends, and Jeongin wanted to continue doing that.
“Lit?” Seungmin standing in his doorway startles him away from his computer screen, making him realize how long he’s been working.
“Uhh,'' Jeongin doesn’t process Seungmin’s words for a moment, his brain loading and kicking back up into motion. “No, psyche.”
“Cool, how much you got left?” Seungmin slides into his room holding his own laptop and all the food they had planned on eating earlier, making Jeongin’s stomach growl.
“I just finished.” He quickly closes his computer and scoots to make room for Seungmin and the snacks, immediately diving into the pizza box before Seungmin has it fully set down.
“You're a bottomless pit.” Seungmin sets up his laptop and goes to disney plus, logging into Felix’s account looking through the new releases.
Jeongin smiles and shoves a third slice of pizza into his mouth, making his cheeks puff out from how much he put in.
“Disgusting.” Seungmin grabs his own slice of pizza, deciding Jeongin will eat it all if he doesn’t and pops open the ice cream, pulling out a spoon and gesturing to his computer telling Jeongin to pick a movie. “Pick something Felix likes so we can talk about it in the morning.”
Jeongin finishes putting a forth slice in his mouth and wipes off his hands, leaning over to scroll through his options. “Any preferences?”
“Turn on a marvel movie, that would upset both Felix and Ch-” Seungmin cuts himself off early and glances at Jeongin, who tenses up slightly at the mention of Chan, still unsure of what to think about their situation.
If Jeongin was unsure that his friends knew what his problem was before, it’s confirmed now.
They’re all college graduates, none of them are stupid and Jeongin knows that, but it still stings to know that he isn’t hiding it well.
“You should talk to him.” Seungmin is quiet, he places aside his food and looks at Jeongin, gentle concern swimming in his irises.
“How about Deadpool?” Jeongin doesn’t say anything, there’s no use in it, he knows what Seungmin is going to say, but Jeongin feels vulnerable enough crying on his own, he doesn’t need to do it in front of Seungmin.
His friend nods slowly and gets comfortable in his spot again, quietly watching the movie and making comments and jokes every now and then, neither of them acknowledging the tension from earlier.
At some point Felix comes in yelling, exclaiming them traitors and grabbing the last slice of pizza before leaving. Minho glares at them through the crack of the door before a red faced Felix closes it.
“I think it worked.”
“Wait till min sees the ice cream.”
They both snicker and continue the movie, laughing loudly at some parts, earning a kick behind the wall connected to Felix’s room.
Seungmin takes the last bite of ice cream just as the movie finishes, closing his laptop and turning to Jeongin with a grin. “Would you like to do the honors?”
Jeongin stares at the empty container, now with it’s lid back on, and then looks back at Seungmin with a raised brow. “No? He’s your boyfriend.”
“You're just scared.” Seungmin slides off the bed and grabs the other trash to throw it away.
“Yes, I am.” Jeongin nods affirmatively and shoos Seungmin out of his room.
Felix takes that as his chance to slide into Jeongins room, falling onto his bed dramatically and staring at him with curious eyes. “How was the date?”
“There is no drama to ‘spill’ felix.” Jeongin makes quotation marks with his fingers at the word spill, rolling his eyes and lightly pushing Felix away.
“I think there is, because my brother says you haven’t gone next door for over a month.” Felix sits up all the way and crosses his arms, raising a brow. “What’s wrong, Innie?”
Jeongin exhales slowly and curses Jisung for pointing it to Felix. “It’s not really anything you guys could help with, don’t worry.”
Jeongin knows he could get away with sending Minho and Seungmin away, but it would be impossible to calm the twins down, both of them trying their hardest to do regular mental health check ups for all their roommates.
Felix only looks sadder by his response, and for a second Jeongin feels bad for turning him away, but pulling any of them into his issue with Chan would only make things weird between all 8 of them.
“I bet we could help though.” Felix is frowning, and as if on cue Seungmin walks in with Minho behind him.
“He’s right, Jeongin.” Minho moves around his boyfriend and sits on the floor, leaving space for Seungmin to sit on the other side of Jeongin on his bed. “All of us can see that something is bothering you.”
Jeongin wants to push them away, to laugh off their concern, but he knows that it wouldn’t work. Not this time.
He tries to come up with an answer, something that won’t make him seem pathetic, or Chan seem evil. All he can manage to get out is a soft sob before tears come flooding out.
They all look shocked at first, nobody moving as they watch Jeongin cry for the first time since they met him.
Felix acts first, wrapping him up in a tight hug and cutting his airway off, making Jeongin choke. He pulls back quickly and whispers an apology, deciding to instead rest his hand on his knee.
Seungmin rubs circles into his back and Minho leaves and comes back with a glass of water, each of them shushing him and telling him to breathe.
He gets his crying under control quickly, hiding his face in his hands momentarily to push down the embarrassment and talk to them again. “Sorry.”
Felix jumps and grabs his hand, interlacing their fingers. “It’s ok, cry all you need.”
Minho and Seungmin nod in agreement, and Jeongin gulps, pushing down all his emotions threatening to spill over again.
“Now you have to tell us what’s going on.” Minho speaks this time, a stern look on his face, telling Jeongin that he really has no choice.
“Chan and I…” he trails off and avoids their stares, jolting when Minho jumps to his feet.
“What did he do?” His hands are in fists and Jeongin can tell that Minho is willing to throw the last three years out the window right there and then.
“Nothing, it’s ok, please don’t be mad at him.” Jeongin hiccups and shakes at the thought that he could be the reason their friend group falls apart.
Minho doesn’t say anything as he sits back on the floor, watching Jeongin expectantly.
“We've kind of been fighting, but not really.” Jeongin picks a spot on the wall and stares at it, hating the way his friends are staring at him with questions in their eyes.
“What?”
“Well, we just aren’t talking, we’ve hardly spoken for almost a month, and I don’t know why.” Jeongin shrugs and stops looking at his spot to look between their faces.
Minho looks unquestionably angry, Felix looks shocked, and Seungmin looks like he already knows.
Because he does.
Seungmin knows Jeongin so well and he hates it.
“So he did nothing, and that’s why I need to beat him up?” Minho speaks first, and Jeongin hates his phrasing, but he’s not wrong.
Chan hasn’t done anything.
“You don’t need to beat him up, but yeah, I guess so.” Jeogin shrugs and chuckles, feeling his eyes get wet again. “I’m upset over nothing.”
He hides his face again and Seungmin sends Minho away to get him more water. “It’s clearly something.”
Seungmin is rubbing circles in his back again, and Felix is looking at him with doe eyes, like he’s trying to solve everything.
“I just… I’m scared.” Jeongin feels weird admitting it, like it’s foreign for him to be scared.
It’s not, Jeongin has been scared plenty of times before.
When he was 7 and crashed his bike, or when he was 17 and kissed a boy for the first time. He felt paralyzed when he went to college, and even more so when he came out to his family.
Jeongin knows fear well.
But he has never been so scared to lose somebody the way he is to lose Chan.
“Of what, Innie?” Felix’s voice is soft, a relaxing contrast to his loud thoughts.
“I don’t know,” He can feel himself shaking, and when Minho returns with the glass of water he drinks it quickly, trying to calm himself. “Of losing my friend? I’ve never been this scared before.”
Felix hums and Seungmin slips onto the floor to wrap himself around Minho, knowing Jeongin enjoys the breathing space.
“Jeongin we’ve all gotten into arguments plenty of times, it will smooth itself out.” Seungmin is looking up at him from the floor, concern evident on his face.
”This feels different.” Jeongin shakes his head slowly, feeling completely hopeless in the situation.
“Innie?” Felix speaks softly, squeezing the hand he’s holding. “Do you think maybe you like him?”
Jeongin’s thoughts quiet down, letting him actually hear himself for a moment. Of course he likes Chan, he likes all of his friends.
“I’ve known Chan since Highschool Innie, he’s very easy to fall for.” Felix is speaking slowly and softly, like he’s explaining a math equation to a child. “Heck, both Jisung and I had a bit of a crush on him at one point, we even got in a fight over it once.”
His brain completely freezes at Felix's words, everything around him goes still, yet he feels like he has motion sickness.
“No.” He tries to sound sure, like Felix had asked a stupid question, like he isnt the mess that he’s been for the past month.
But his voice comes out shaky, he wants to scream at how unsolid his answer is.
“Jeongin, I’ve known you for half your life.” Minho’s words are soft but stern, a solid place for Jeongin to land after Felix’s statements.
“Yeah.” he nods his head, confirming to both of them that his mind is still in the room.
“I think I’d like to take some of the credit for raising you,” Minho is poking fun at him, but Jeongin just simply nods along, telling him to keep talking. “Innie, did you ever think for a second that maybe you do like him? As more than a friend?”
The solidity that is Minho crumbles immediately, making Jeongin feel like he’s falling, like everything has lost its sense.
“I think I'm tired.” Jeongin gets up and walks out of his room, looking half dazed.
“What?” Minho sounds offended and Jeongin hates it.
“You guys should go.” Jeongin stands by his door and watches them leave one at a time, Felix stopping to wrap him in an unreciprocated hug.
“I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.” Felix squeezes him one more time and pulls back, examining his features.
“It’s alright, just when you tell Jisung… Don’t let him tell anyone else.” Jeongin smiles smally, meant to reassure Felix, though he can tell it doesn’t do much.
“I won’t tell him at all.” Shaking his head quickly. Felix looks so concerned Jeongin fears he might break down crying too.
“It’s ok, I know you don’t like to keep things from him.” Jeongin smiles and puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, acting as if Felix is the one with the problem.
Felix presses his lips into a thin line and knits his brows impossibly further together. “Ok…”
He sounds unsure, but before he can say anything else Jeongin is ushering him out and closing the door.
As soon as he’s alone he feels his stomach flip at the entire situation. It was just supposed to be a best friend date, all they were gonna do was be brats and cause problems in their apartment. It was meant to be a break from emotions, not cause more.
He falls onto his bed, curling up and staring at his wall, trying to sleep.
With his swimming thoughts it isn’t easy, but he does eventually drift off to sleep.
~~~
Jeongin wakes up fully clothed, and once again, exhausted.
It’s been two weeks since his roommates confronted him about what’s going on. Since then he’s hardly been home, opting to go to the library or stay with other friends instead.
He feels awful, like he’s rifting the bond that they all have.
He gets concerned texts often, mostly from Jisung and Felix, but occasionally Seungmin will ask him out for coffee, which he usually declines, or Minho will check on how he is eating, he usually lies about that.
“Why are you hiding at my apartment again?” His friend's roommate sits on the couch next to him, giving him an inquisitive look.
“Shut up Taehyun, I invited him.” Beomgyu sits on the other side of the couch, snacking on something.
“For a month-long sleepover?” Taehyun looks between both of them, clearly a little annoyed that an overly studious adult has been crashing on his couch.
“Yes.” Beomgyu nudges him with foot and Taehyun gets up to leave, retreating into his room to probably do the exact same thing Joengin does, distract himself through studying.
“I’m really sorry man.” Jeongin runs his fingers through his hair and fidgets with his fingers, his appearance slightly disheveled after sleeping.
“It’s all good, Tae is just a bit of a freak about routine and you weren’t really part of his.” Beomgyu shrugs and stuffs more food into his mouth.
“I’ll be sure to apologize once I sort everything out at my apartment.” Jeongin smiles apologetically and jumps off the couch, running to the bathroom to clean himself up and change into some clothes he keeps in his backpack.
He washes up quickly and leaves for the library, thanking both Taehyun and Beomgyu on his way out.
He only has one lecture today, the other one canceled due to maintenance on the building, and he knows that he is probably going to lose his mind if he spends all his extra time in the library.
He knows Beomgyu is willing to keep him company, but he feels bad enough as it is just staying there for the night.
He feels the tug to just go home, to talk to his roommates, and especially to see Chan.
No matter how much school work he throws himself into, the awful feeling won’t go away.
He feels so lonely.
He still has Beomgyu, who he sees everyday, and the texts from his roommates are nice, even if he does feel a little awkward.
He just wishes his brain wasn’t such a mess.
“You little shit.” Hyunjin startles him out of his thoughts, sitting down in front of him at the empty library table he is currently occupying.
“God Hyunjin, don’t yell, people are actually working.” Jeongin furrows his brows and stares at his computer, seeing that the screen went dark after his mind wandered.
“Fine.” Hyunjin stands again and pulls him up with him, dragging him outside, causing a slight commotion in front of other students.
“Dude!” Jeongin pulls his wrist out of Hyunjin’s grasp once they're outside, staring at the bright red marks on it.
“Dude!” Hyunjin looks upset, really upset.
His hair is messed up, presumably from him constantly running his fingers through it, his face is red, and his bottom lip is bitten raw.
Jeongin has enough sense to understand what this is about, and he looks away, feeling awful for the stress he’s causing everyone.
“Innie, look at me.” His tone is soft now, though his lip is back between his teeth and he looks so worried Jeongin can see the tears waiting to spill.
They hold eye contact for a minute, Jeongin frowning deeply and Hyunjin examining him with concern.
“We miss you.” Hyunjin speaks first, softly, slowly. He inches closer, reaching out for Jeongin’s hands, who lets him take them without protest. “I’m so sorry you feel the way you do, but we’re all worried.”
Jeongin feels a little sick to his stomach at Hyunjin’s words, making him look away from his friend.
Hyunjin squeezes his hands and Jeongin looks back up, trying his hardest to keep eye contact.
“Who is we?” His question is quiet and hesitant, like he doesn’t want the answer.
“Me, Seungmin, Changbin, Minho, the twins.” Hyunjin pasues and presses his lips into a thin line. “And Chan. God Innie, he’s practically lost his mind.”
Hyunjin sounds so sad, like he fears Jeongin won’t ever come back.
“I’m sorry.” Jeongin feels like crying again, but he pushes it down, tired of the sound of his sobs.
He doesn’t even know what his plan was.
He knows he can’t just stay on Beomgyu’s couch forever until he gets a job and can afford his own space. In his mind though, going back to the apartment feels completely out of the question.
“Why?” Hyunjin let’s go of his hands and grabs his face instead, forcing him to find and hold eye contact.
“I feel awful for worrying you all.” he can feel himself choking up at his own words, not sure of how to even explain everything he's feeling.
“What goes on in that crazy head of yours?” Hyunjin pulls him forward and lightly kisses his forehead, acting as if it could somehow reach his brain and calm his racing thoughts.
In a way, it kind of works.
He relaxes into all of Hyunjins touches, letting his friend comfort him and pull him out of his head.
“You should visit Channie at the studio when you get the chance.” Hyunjin’s voice is soft, and Jeongin feels defeated.
He nods slowly, giving into what everyone has been telling him this entire time.
Just talk to Chan.